Everything and anyone familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine.
Say an outright yes or try for a let's just see what happens option? Go into temporary denial or face this head on? Is this something I want? Or would I have rather been kept in the dark? These are the questions I've been asking myself ever since Ella let it slip that she saw a ring box in Ranger's drawer while she was putting away laundry.
Despite my futile and failed marriage to a dick appropriately nicknamed Dickie, I'm mature enough to admit that there's nothing wrong with marriage. In fact, I've seen it work out pretty good for a couple of couples, Mary Lou and Lenny being one of them. They're still disgustingly in love with each other ... and they've been married for what seems like five lifetimes already. For me, though, even when I'd been going through the motions of planning The Burg's biggest event ... which happened to be my own wedding, I already knew I wasn't going to be one of the lucky ones.
Everybody knows I'm horrible to live with. If Rex could talk, for a few crackers he'd happily testify to how hard he's had it with me for a roommate. A lot of the time, I forget to call before I head over to a skip's location, which really pisses me off when I realize I've done it again, because even with his never-ending schedule, Ranger always manages to locate me. And no one will let me forget that I'm cranky more hours of the day than I should be. Ranger is the only person in my life who finds my moods 'adorable' .
Even though he loves me and apparently every one of my flaws, I know I'm definitely not your typical marriage material. I'm barely even girlfriend material, but Batman's stuck around without seeming to be bothered by any of my annoying habits ... like when I put my impressive - if I do say so myself - potty mouth to good use on someone who deserved it that day. He mostly tolerates my unhealthy on all counts addiction to junk food. Plus, he appreciates my ingrained nosiness ... encourages it even. He's put up with a lot from me, and now thanks to Ella's accidental find and uncontrollable excitement, I know he's thinking about making it permanent.
And it's freaking me the fuck out! Which is stupid if I really think about it. I do love him more than anyone or anything in my life. If I wanted to get sappy, I'd even call him the absolute love of my life. He appears to return the sentiment. And it's not like getting married will change what we've been doing, since Ranger, Rex, and I, have been pretty much living together as one little happy family for the last seven months.
Maybe my real beef is with all the expectations that come with an engagement announcement which will get thrown at us when word starts to spread. As soon as the big question is asked, it's immediately followed by 'When's the big day?' 'I'm invited, right?' 'You're not thinking of wearing a white dress, are you?' And my favorite ... 'You aren't getting any younger, you'll need to have kids right away.' Those comments will be just from my mom alone.
The kid-mention is the one that makes me start to sweat and then I can't shake the image of chewing my own leg off at the ankle to get away from whoever's talking. Julie is the ideal almost-daughter, but she was already a little adult by the time I met her. Growing a healthy child from scratch, and then trying to raise him or her in a way that will produce a good person instead of an eventual serial killer, is a whole other ballgame.
After three days of Ranger saying nothing about what he's hiding, and me internally debating, fantasizing, and panicking, thanks to the head's up I'd been given, I couldn't take the suspense anymore. If he's seriously considering marrying me, the least he can do is put me out of my misery and ask already. But he didn't. And we all know I'm not one to keep my mouth shut for long if I'm trying to get to the bottom of something.
That night when I came up to seven for our nightly 'no excuses' dinner that we agreed to always have together if no emergencies presented themselves, I decided I'm just going to come right out and ask him about it. Okay, more accurately, I spent the hour leading up to dessert staring at the man who's been my best friend, hands down best lover I've ever had, and trusted partner ever since Connie had set up a work consult that ended up leading to more than just a Morelli capture.
I responded appropriately to everything Ranger asked me over our pasta-free vegetable lasagne ... How was my day? Did Grandma Mazur win big or get arrested at Bingo? Did Eddie try to bribe me into babysitting again when I'd dropped off today's FTA flasher at the station? But my attention was divided during each reply.
Thanks to an incredibly stupid blind spot named Joe, I'd convinced myself that Ranger and I were just friends ... and that's where our relationship would remain. Then after countless breakups and a number of fuck ups with Morelli, I believed that all my problems were self-inflicted. And that there would never be a guy who could love a disaster magnet like me, even Ranger. I was too difficult, too loud, too emotionless unless I was really angry. You name it and I was called it. I was also concerned that if I was with someone for longer than a week, he'd piss me off over something stupid, causing me to ruin things by turning into the bitch I'd also been called numerous times.
I've always doubted the woman I turned into. My mom didn't help matters by comparing me to Valerie, and everyone else in town, and then complaining about what I've done the times she wasn't offering me a pity dinner. My dad didn't seem to care what I did as long as I didn't move back in with them for longer than it took Dillon to repair my apartment. He actually seemed relieved that Ranger's place became an option so their house wouldn't be. Husband number one and asshole number two, who I not-so-affectionately call my ex 'Hus-whore' and 'Morelli the Master-yeller', kept my confidence on shaky ground even though I should've been proud of what I accomplished so far as a bounty hunter. Maybe my apprehensions weren't perfect, but I did get a lot of bad guys back in jail where they belonged.
I'd had a ten-year brain fart and allowed everyone to tell me that my life was solely my fault and Morelli and Dickie had been nice enough to put up with me until they couldn't stand it or me anymore. And while I wish I could lay the blame for my crappy past at their doors and run, I know I took the easy way out. I stayed where I was told to and settled for miserable when magnificent had been waiting for me all along.
I grew up and grew a pair, and I know much more about myself and about everyone around me ... which is why I stopped being a chichenshit and gave Ranger and I a chance by not stopping his mouth or his hands when he kissed me goodnight one night after taking me home from a successful capture. That kiss led to us standing mostly dressed in my kitchen, eating bagels together the following morning. And that same night we had dinner at his place. The rest is "Babe" history.
The Man of Mystery is aptly named since I think it's a mystery why he loves me as much as he does. Of course, it could be because he now knows that I feel the same about him. His wolf grin, the softening of his eyes that only seems to happen when he's looking at me, and his killer sense of humor - although sometimes hard to spot - combined with the complex but totally loving person he let me see even more of, changed my mind about a lot of things.
That's not even counting the body he was blessed with and takes incredible care of, those dark chocolate-colored eyes, and the multiple languages he uses on me when he wants my underwear to come off faster, had me realizing that I'll never see another man as worthwhile after him so I'd better get my head out of my ass and quickly claim this one.
I was able to temporarily forget all of those good qualities, though, when Ranger still didn't pop the question, or bring up our future at all, by the time he placed in front of me a piece of the chocolate cream pie Ella had made for me. Not only couldn't I eat, I couldn't bite my tongue any longer. I sent her a mental apology for ratting her out after I swore to keep her discovery a secret. I know Ranger would never fire Ella ... so I'm positive she'll be better off either way than I will if I hold this in any longer.
"Why have you been staring at me like that all through dinner?" He asked, likely sensing a potential storm.
"Umm ... I've been thinking about my life a lot lately ..."
"And you still want me in it."
It wasn't put as a question. "Definitely," I told him anyway.
"Then why haven't you been discussing 'your life' with me? It's not like you to sit on a problem if you feel there is one."
"No it isn't, is it?"
"No, so why don't you tell me what has you so jumpy the last few days," he suggested.
"You noticed?"
"There isn't anything about you that I don't notice, Steph. And lately, you appear to be closely watching everything I do when we're together. While that's not unusual, there is something besides desire in your eyes when you're doing it."
"I'm that easy to read?"
"Not exactly. I'm just an expert on you. I can tell the difference between when you're just thinking about something and when you're seriously worried about something. Your expressions for each are different. I'd say you've been seriously thinking about something, but aren't overly worried about it. And for some reason, you didn't save yourself some stress and just talk to me about it."
"I haven't brought it up because I didn't want you to get the wrong idea ..."
"About?"
"I'm concerned that you're thinking about getting married ... to me."
He didn't say anything for twenty-two seconds. I was counting them out in my head, so I know.
"Ella?"
"Yeah," I admitted. "She saw a ring box in your drawer and couldn't contain her enthusiasm for a possible Rangeman wedding."
"She didn't look to see if there was an engagement ring inside it?"
I was offended on her behalf. "Of course not! She wouldn't invade your privacy like that."
He didn't have to point out that she did tell me something that was meant to be kept a secret.
He doesn't have to know that she'd decided to actually take a peek inside because she felt bad for telling me something based on a hunch. It could've been anything in there. The ring box, however, was already gone by the time she worked up the nerve to go back and look.
"So she didn't see a box containing an engagement ring?" I asked him.
"The box exists. And it does contain an engagement ring intended for you. It's your birthday present. It was only in the apartment for four hours until I could get Celia to agree to keep it at her house because I was afraid something like this could happen. I had to stash it temporarily when I got a call saying an FTA I wanted had surfaced. Ella doesn't usually do laundry on odd days of the month, so I thought I was safe."
"My birthday is months away?" I said, once I managed to gain control of the mouth that had dropped open in shock.
His older sister, the sibling he's the closest to, knows he's planning on marrying me? I had a lot of ideas on what he'd say after I blurted out my concerns, but none of this crossed my mind.
"I know you, Babe. And you wouldn't want added pressure put on our relationship - which we agree is perfect as is - by asking you to marry me right now. I figured a few months will give me time to get you used to the idea. If you're still not ready by October, it's yours anyway so you'll have at least one diamond that isn't cubic zirconia."
My lips parted to say something about not needing a ring, but he sensed my intentions and blocked me.
"The jewelry company I worked with is one who only sells diamonds collected from mines that are ethically sourced and follow very strict labor, trade, and environmental laws ... so no human, animal, or environment, was harmed just for the sake of decorating your finger. They also donate a percentage of every sale to various charities that support their vision, so you can call the ring a charitable donation if that'll make you want to put it on sooner."
"Given your need to help people however you can, I'm assuming you thought a bigger purchase means a larger donation will be made. It isn't just a simple ring with a modest stone, is it?"
"You know me well. It has a decent-sized ..."
"Translation ... huge honkin' diamond," I interrupted, shaking my head at how he continues to buy me things when he knows his money isn't what's important to me.
"It might be larger than some."
"With just a plain band, right?" I asked hopefully.
"There's nothing plain about you so the ring had to mirror that. It has a small diamond-lined band that continues up and off your finger to wrap two-and-a-half times around the round center stone."
"Jesus."
"It's handcrafted to be one of a kind, so no refunds. Unless you want that money to go to waste, you really have no choice but to wear it ... now or eventually if you'd like to wait."
I smiled without even needing to try my dessert. That he always knows exactly what to say, and what I need, are just two reasons why I love the freakin' hell out of this man. I felt myself completely relaxing for the first time in days because I already know what I'm going to say when my birthday rolls around ... an emphatic 'hell friggin' yes!' I was even considering yelling it right now, but Ranger yanked me out of my chair and used his mouth to keep mine busy doing something other than talking. My last clear thought was ... I'm sure Celia won't mind if we barge in on her in a couple of hours to pick up something that definitely belongs to me.