The dialogue is taken right out of the anime, episode 83. This is just some speculation of what I think Gokudera was thinking after he was defeated by Gamma.
Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.
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Shot to death.
The phrase kept repeating in Gokudera's head and he couldn't bear to distract himself from his circling thoughts in fear of forgetting why exactly he needed to defeat Byakuran and Shoichi. It was the only way he could help bring them all back to the past. He had to change this future, stop all this from happening.
He needed to save the Tenth.
Gokudera choked on that thought.
The Tenth had been shot to death. Gamma had said that Sawada Tsunayoshi had been shot to death during the meeting with Byakuran.
So that begged the question, where had Gokudera been and why hadn't he stopped it?
As he lie there in his hospital bed, Gokudera couldn't help but feel absolutely and completely useless. He had let his pride get in the way and refused to work together with Yamamoto, which resulted in get his ass kicked. Then, when he did work with Yamamoto, they had both gotten a little arrogant and let the enemy one up them.
It had been devastating and Gokudera had ended up not only hurt, but humiliated as well. Hibari, the bastard prefect, had had to come save both Gokudera and Yamamoto. And to make things worse, Hibari had defeated Gamma with practically no effort.
It reminded how far of a journey Gokudera still had to travel to become strong enough so he could protect his friends. To protect the Tenth. Because if he wasn't strong enough, then this would all happen again. Even if it was in a different way, if he wasn't strong enough to protect the Tenth, to protect the one who had taken him, then everything could be taken away from him.
He would have nothing.
So, in the end, the answer was obvious. He needed to train. He needed to become strong enough to beat that Gamma guy into the ground with his eyes closed. And even then, he wouldn't be satisfied. He'd train and train until nothing that he loved could ever be taken from him again.
No, this defeat wouldn't be the end of Gokudera Hayato. He would become stronger and then, maybe then, he would be able to protect the man who had held out his hand and welcomed him with open arms.
Maybe then he'd be able to protect the Tenth.
Gokudera was jolted out of his swirling thoughts when the door slid open then.
"How's Gokudera doing?" Gokudera heard the Tenth ask. The bomber didn't like how anxious he sounded.
"He hasn't gotten up yet," Reborn replied, sounding strangely calm. "But, you did well."
"Wh-What was good about that?!" Tsuna yelled.
"It was good," Reborn assured Tsuna. "The only way for us to survive against the Millefiore Family is to grow. Something good should happen after a crisis like that."
Gokudera let that thought sink in for a moment. So he had been thinking the same way as Reborn. They had to grow and change. They had to develop and become stronger so they could survive and protect what's important.
"Everyone's hurt!" Tsuna pointed out. "How can you say that?!"
"Tenth," Gokudera whispered hoarsely. "I'm sorry."
"Gokudera-kun!" Tsuna said, sounding relieved. When Gokudera peeked an eye open, he saw the small smile on the Tenth's face.
"I'm sorry, Tenth," Gokudera continued. "It was all my fault. I think I've been really, really scared since we came to this world."
And because of that I've made stupid mistakes and now everyone's hurt.
Tsuna didn't speak, but let him continue on with his speech of self-hatred, looking almost horrified by the bomber's words.
"I acted tough, fought Yamamoto, and then this happened," Gokudera said.
"Gokudera-kun…." Tsuna trailed off, looking lost for words.
"Yamamoto said the same thing," Reborn put in. He told Gokudera Yamamoto's exact words.
Gokudera was surprised by that for a moment, before it all settled in. Yamamoto had experienced the same crushing defeat Gokudera had. He understood exactly what he needed to do as well. Because it was their fault, they needed to become stronger.
Wait a minute. If Yamamoto had said that, then he must be…. Gokudera turned to Reborn for confirmation.
"Then, Yamamoto is…."
"He's alive," Tsuna said, sounding upbeat. "He's doing well."
Gokudera almost smiled in relief before he realized how he should be acting at that news. He wasn't supposed to tolerate the baseball player, much less be happy about Yamamoto being among the living.
So Gokudera clucked his tongue and lay back in bed, seething. "So, he lived," Gokudera muttered.
But it wasn't real. Even though they had fought. Even though Gokudera had pushed him away. Even though Gokudera felt threatened by Yamamoto's skills and natural hitman tendencies. He still felt relieved that the baseball player had lived. He couldn't help it.
Yamamoto was important to the Tenth, so Yamamoto was important to him, he rationalized.
But they had gone through something today. A defeat that had left them barely hanging on, pride crushed and stomped on and shattered.
So, Gokudera knew that Yamamoto knew exactly what they had to do.
They had to fight to get stronger. To protect the things they loved.