A/N: Thanks for your reviews! I always wanted to write Jim's birthday in Apologize, since I gave his birth date as July 6th in an early chapter and that date fell within the timeline of the story. I couldn't work it in the way I wanted and so the idea was cut…and I've always regretted it in a way. I guess technically this is more of an insert than a deleted scene because while the idea was sketched out in my notebook, I didn't have any of the scenes fully written. It's always nagged me and I figured it was time to do something about it!
This scene/chapter, whatever you want to call it would fit between chapters 13 and 14 of Apologize; things were still a little rocky between Kate and Johanna in some places while things between Johanna and Jim had settled into a mostly comfortable pattern.
Wishes – Deleted Scene
Johanna paced Kate's living room restlessly; agitation thrumming in her veins. The quiet chaos that heralded her return to New York, followed by her forced move in with Kate and the constant state of limbo they were living in, emotionally in the personal specter and the threat of danger in main scheme of things had left her mind a jumbled mess. But that was no excuse. How on earth could she have almost forgotten Jim's birthday? His birthday was July 6th…it was now the 5th…more to the point, the 5th was almost over and she had no card, no gift, no anything to give to him. She had to be the worst human being on the face of the earth, Johanna thought to herself, feeling more self loathing crash over her. She sighed; she hadn't even known what to get him even if she had been able to go look for something.
She had, however, recalled him mentioning a book that he'd like to have when they saw it advertised on television a few days before. When the realization of the date had slammed into her that morning, Johanna had taken some money from her purse and pressed it into her daughter's palm along with a slip of paper bearing the name of the book that Jim wanted. She asked her to pick it up for her…and while her daughter had looked slightly less than thrilled to run the errand for her, she had slipped the money into her pocket and said she'd get it. Now if only Kate would come home and prove that she had gotten it…then she could relax a little, knowing that she had a gift for her husband.
Johanna glanced at her watch, Kate should've been home two hours ago but she had called and said that she'd be a little late, reminding her that there was a car watching the building and that she was to call if she needed her. She hadn't mentioned picking up the book and Johanna hadn't gotten a chance to ask. If she was going to get it after work, she'd probably have to hurry if she went to one of the smaller bookstores that closed earlier than the chain stores. She'd been antsy all day just thinking about the possibility that she wouldn't have a gift to give. Even Jim had commented on her antsy demeanor. She had assured him that she was fine and had told him that there was no reason for him to cancel his plans for the evening just to stay with her. His brother and sister-in-law had invited him to dinner and she didn't want him to have to lie to them any more than he already was by keeping her presence a secret.
Her gaze flicked back to the clock, willing it to advance as she worried that maybe something was wrong and that was why Kate hadn't come home yet or called. She'd be lying if she said that she hadn't had a knot of fear in her stomach every day since she learned that her daughter had become a cop. It wasn't the kind of news that any mother wanted, no matter how noble of a profession it may be…not that she'd ever mention that. The last thing she wanted was for Kate to think that she was somehow against her job…she wasn't…she just wished that she did it from a desk instead of out in the street where she could get…no, Johanna stopped herself. She wouldn't think about her getting shot at; she had far too many nightmares about that already. She'd be home any minute; she was fine, someone would've called if she wasn't…right?
Finally there was the sound of a key in the lock and Johanna breathed a sigh of relief. Her daughter swept into the apartment a moment later and she noticed that there was no bag in her hand denoting a trip to the bookstore. Her purse was a fair size though, maybe she tucked it in there so she wouldn't forget to bring it in. "I was getting worried," Johanna said as Kate turned to face her.
"I told you I'd be late."
"You said a little late…I thought that meant about a half hour."
"Guess you were wrong," Kate replied. "There's no need to worry; if something was wrong one of the boys would call you or Castle would."
She swallowed back the reply that formed on her tongue; things were still a little unsteady between them despite the olive branch that had been extended. "Did you get the book?"
"What book?" her daughter asked as she headed toward the kitchen to get a drink.
"The book I asked you to pick up for me so I can give it to your father for his birthday!"
"I forgot," she replied as she popped the tab on a can of soda.
Johanna closed her eyes, a new surge of aggravation swimming through her veins. "How could you forget; I just asked you this morning, you have the money and the note in your pocket."
Kate was in no mood for her mother's theatrics; she'd had a long day and the last thing she wanted was to come home and have an equally long aggravating evening. "I forgot because I have this thing called a job that requires my attention."
"I know you have a job…I thought you'd take care of it on your lunch break."
"Lunch break?" she laughed. "My lunch break was spent at my desk with some takeout while I worked. I don't have time to run your errands for you; I told you that this morning."
"No, you said you didn't have time to run me to the bookstore tonight when you got home; you took my money so I assumed that meant you'd make time to go yourself."
"And I would have if I had remembered and had time to do so, but I didn't. I'm sorry but that's how it is."
Johanna's temper sprung to life before she could stop it. "I ask you to do one little thing for me and you can't even do that!"
Kate turned toward her, her brow arched. "One thing?" she laughed bitterly; "That's rich; I think you've asked far more than one thing of me."
"If you mean my being in your home, I had nothing to do with that. I didn't ask to be here; your boss put me here."
"Against my wishes," Kate reminded her.
"I'm well aware of that."
"And let's not forget how you keep 'asking' me to forgive you and to understand and to talk to you about it and a hundred other little things you 'ask' of me that apparently escape your notice."
Her mother scoffed. "And how many of those things have you done, Katie? Once in awhile you carry on a civil conversation with me…I didn't realize that was so demanding for you."
"You're so damn dramatic," her daughter retorted. "I said I was sorry, what more do you want?"
"I want the book."
"Well I'm not going back out tonight unless I get a call from the precinct. I've had a long day and I'm tired and I'm in no mood for this."
"And I need a gift for my husband for his birthday!" Johanna exclaimed.
"You haven't given him a gift for the last thirteen years so why worry about it now? He's used to it."
The remark cracked against her soul with the same sting that a hand slapping against her face would carry and her eyes stung with tears as she swallowed hard, trying to keep her composure.
Kate knew she had gone too far with that remark and she regretted that she had allowed the words to slip through her lips. She took a long sip of her soda and prepared herself to apologize for it but she didn't get a chance.
"Give me back my money," her mother said, her tone as cool as her green gaze.
Kate released a weighted breath. "I'll get the damn book in the morning; Dad won't be coming over until the evening anyway, he has some work to do for a former colleague."
"I want my money now."
"Don't be like this," Kate stated tartly. "I told you I'll get it."
"I don't want you to get it. I'd rather have nothing to give him if it means having to ask you to do your mother a simple favor. It wasn't like I was asking you to take the money out of your own wallet; hell I would've even paid for your time if I had known how big of a deal it was to run a little errand. I won't make the mistake again. Now give me my money."
She roughly pulled the money and her mother's folded up piece of scrap paper from her pocket and threw it onto the table. "Take it," she said harshly; "And don't go thinking you can change your mind in the morning because I wouldn't do it now if you begged me to!"
Johanna snatched the crumpled bills from the table. "My dear, that is one thing you don't have to worry about. I'll think of something to do for him to make up for the lack of a gift. God knows I wouldn't want you to put aside your grievances with me for one day for your father's sake."
"We were doing better until you started this so don't you pin this one on me!"
"I'll pin it on whoever the hell I want," Johanna retorted angrily. "You're the one with the attitude problem…and I'm more than willing to adjust it for you like I did before."
"Your days of doling out punishments are long over," Kate replied. "Seems to me like you have an attitude of your own tonight."
"I can't imagine why."
"Hey, it's not my fault you forgot his birthday! I didn't forget it. I guess when you go so many years without being a part of your family's life that this is what happens."
"Quit saying that!" Johanna cried. "You act like I enjoyed it. I've never forgotten his birthday! I've never forgotten yours either."
"Let's not even go there," her daughter said as she raised her hand.
Johanna's eyes snapped with fire. "Oh of course we won't, because you don't want to hear it. You think I was off living the high life, well let me tell you something little girl, you don't know a damn thing about it."
"Don't you call me that," Kate shot back. "I'm not a child; you're the one acting childish over a stupid book that I forgot. Dad doesn't care about birthdays; we don't make a big deal out of things like you do. He'll understand and he'll be fine with it. I think he'll be happy enough to see you so just drop it because I'm done."
"Consider it dropped," Johanna said as she stormed away, making her trek to the guest room where she slammed the door behind her.
Kate flinched at the sound as she stared down at the soda can she had picked up from the counter. So much for their olive branch…but she supposed that she had been the one to break it. But forgetting had been an honest mistake and if her mother hadn't jumped down her throat about it when she was already in a bad mood, things probably could've been easily resolved…but of course it couldn't be that way. Johanna Beckett always had to fly off the handle at some stage of the game. She had held out longer than she had thought she would.
The next morning, Kate approached the kitchen with trepidation, a part of her wishing that she could just flee to the precinct without seeing her mother but she knew that wasn't an option. She was sure that Johanna was probably in a snit, and while a part of her didn't blame her, another small part did…but she was willing to get past it if her mother was inclined to cooperate. Their relationship at the moment was a tough balancing act that she had apparently failed at the night before. Kate exhaled a steadying breath and prepared herself for the possibility that Johanna Beckett might want a second round.
As she entered the kitchen, her eyes darted to the table where her place was already set. A bowl of cereal, a small plate holding two slices of toast and a glass of juice greeted her eyes. She frowned; it wasn't exactly what she'd been hoping for. The thought only made her frown deepen; apparently she had quickly become accustomed to having her mother cook breakfast for her. Kate's gaze flicked away from the table, finding Johanna who was surveying the contents of the cupboards.
"You're not cooking today?" Kate asked as she grabbed the milk from the fridge for her cereal.
"You can survive on cereal and toast for a day," Johanna replied as she continued her survey of the cupboards.
"Something in particular that you're looking for?"
"Yes, but I'll find it. I know I got all of the supplies I like to have on hand when we went to the market."
"You can say that again," Kate remarked as she looked at her packed cupboards. They had probably never been so full.
"I offered to pay."
"I don't want your money and I wasn't referring to the cost."
"Eat your breakfast, Kate."
"I was hoping for something better," her daughter commented as she dipped her spoon into her cereal.
"Like what?"
"Like waffles."
Johanna pulled a few items from the cupboard and turned to face her daughter. "How was I supposed to know that you wanted waffles?"
She shrugged. "I just figured that they'd be coming due for a turn in the rotation."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you…although I'm glad that the kitchen is the one place where I'm apparently not a thorn in your side; but I don't have time for waffles today. I have things to do. You could always make them yourself."
"I don't have time to make waffles," Kate said, allowing the rest of the comment to go without remark.
"Then I guess you better make do with that cereal," Johanna replied.
Kate took another bite of her cereal while her mother jotted something down on a scrap of paper. "Is this about last night?" she asked; "Because if it is, I'm sorry that things got out of hand."
"It's fine, don't worry about it. I'm sorry I asked you for a favor, I should've known better," Johanna answered as she continued to write things down.
"I never said you couldn't ask me to do something and apparently it isn't fine or you wouldn't be feeding me cereal and acting like an iceberg."
Johanna turned towards her once more, eyeing her with a slight look of annoyance. "If I promise to give you a waffle tomorrow, will you please let me concentrate?"
Kate took a sip of her juice. "What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to remember a recipe. It's coming back in little spurts but you keep interrupting with waffles!"
"You're a little high strung this morning."
"I can't imagine why that would be," Johanna said. "It's only my husband's birthday and I'm slapping together a last minute plan because I can't really do anything special for him and I have no gift and no card or anything."
The younger woman sighed. "I have some of your recipes copied down in a notebook that's in the drawer at the end of the counter."
"Probably not the one that I want," she muttered. "I doubt that you make many cakes; your cake pans look brand new."
She probably should've been offended by that but she wasn't; it was true after all, she didn't bake too often. "I could go get your recipe book from home."
"No; I wouldn't want you to do that. You need to be getting to work and I don't have time to wait all day."
"I said I was sorry about last night."
"I know and I accept it, it's fine."
"I don't know why you're worrying so much about this. Dad will like whatever you make, it doesn't have to be fancy and he's not going to care about anything else either except seeing you. Calm down and relax."
Her mother's eyes narrowed. "Don't you tell me that I shouldn't care about this. I don't care that he doesn't make a big deal out of his birthday, I always did, I always tried to do something to make it nice for him. He's my husband, that's my job, and until you know what it's like to feel like you're letting down your spouse for the one millionth time, don't tell me how I should feel. It might not be a big deal to you but it's a big deal to me."
Kate's jaw tightened. "Fine…but I will tell you that I don't think he'll like your attitude problem when he gets here."
"My attitude will be properly adjusted before he gets to the door."
Her daughter's brow rose. "Will you need some help with that?"
"No; do you need help with yours?"
"No; I think I can handle mine all on my own. I'm going to head out."
Johanna stepped away from the counter to follow her to the door. "You didn't eat much."
"I'm not in a cereal mood."
"I once again apologize for the lack of waffles in your life. I assure you that your order will be filled tomorrow…you don't even have to leave me a tip."
Kate smiled slightly despite herself. "You know, when you act like this, you remind me of someone and I can't for the life of me figure out who it is."
Johanna smiled. "Well, sweetie; when you get to the precinct, you go in the bathroom and look in the mirror and it'll come to you."
A short laugh burst from her lips before she could stop it. "I'm pretty sure I didn't mean me."
"Maybe not but it's there…trust me."
"I'll think of the real person and let you know later."
"I'm counting the minutes."
"I might concede that being a smartass comes from you," Kate told her.
Her mother's smile was a little more genuine this time. "That's my girl."
"Are you going to be alright here by yourself today?"
"I'll be fine."
"The building has a unit on it."
"I know."
"I'll call more often since you're alone."
"I know."
"Keep the door locked and…"
"Katie, I know!"
She nodded. "You're right, you've been through this drill enough times by now to know how it works. I'm getting out of your hair so you can get back to whatever it is that you're planning."
"Have a nice day, dear; be careful."
"I always am."
"If it's at all possible, try to come home on time tonight; not for me but for your father," Johanna stated.
"I'll do my best," she promised sincerely.
Johanna locked the door behind Kate and then returned to the kitchen; forcing her brain to bring up the memory of the recipe she needed. She just had to try to make this birthday special in some small way…regardless of what anyone said.
Kate walked into her apartment at the end of the day, the aromas of her mother's cooking filling the air. She headed to the kitchen, feeling a sense of déjà vu as she wondered what her mother's mood would be like this time. "Hey," she said, announcing her presence so that she wouldn't startle her mother.
Johanna looked over her shoulder at her. "You made it on time."
"I can't promise that I won't be called away though, I have an open case."
"I understand."
"Dad isn't here yet?"
"No, but he's on his way. He just called a few minutes ago."
"Looks like you went all out," Kate stated as she surveyed the food on the stove and the cake on the counter.
"It's not much but it'll have to do. I would've rather we had gone out to dinner but I know that isn't an option."
"I'm sure he'll love it."
"I hope so," Johanna murmured.
A knock sounded at the door, sparing Kate from further conversation. "That's probably your father, go let him in while I take care of this," her mother told her.
Kate turned and headed back through the apartment to the door; pulling it open and smiling at the sight of her father. "Happy Birthday, Dad," she told him, hugging him once he was inside.
"Thank you," he replied, returning her embrace. "It smells good in here."
"She's been cooking all day," Kate whispered. "You should probably make a fuss or I'll have to listen to her cry all night."
Jim smiled. "I always make a fuss over your mother."
"Well make sure you do a real good job of it…she's a little uptight about not being able to take you out to eat."
"Don't worry about it, Katie. She'll settle down now. I'd much rather have her cooking over a restaurant any day. I just have to remind her of that."
Johanna turned away from the stove and brushed an errant strand of hair back from her face, a smile coming to her lips as her husband finally stepped into view. "Happy Birthday," she told him; her tone somewhat soft as she moved toward him and slipped her arms around him.
Jim hugged her tightly, smiling into her hair as he rested his cheek against her head for a second. "You can do better than just a hug, can't you?" he murmured teasingly.
"Of course," she replied as she pulled back from him enough to kiss him.
"Much better," he replied. "Thank you."
"Sit down, dinner's ready," she told him.
"What are we having?" he asked, waiting for Kate to move to her seat before he took his.
Johanna sat the platter of fried chicken down on the table in front of him and allowed the dish to speak for itself. Jim smiled widely. "My favorite."
"Would I give you anything but your favorite on your birthday?" she asked.
"I should hope not…if I had known this was waiting, I would've gotten here a lot sooner."
"I think you timed it just right, Dad," Kate remarked as he selected a piece of chicken and put it on his plate, the grin never leaving his lips.
"What are we having with this, Jo?" he asked.
She moved to his side with the pot of mashed potatoes and spooned some onto his plate. "There's gravy, right?" he asked.
"Of course, honey; it's coming."
"And you were worried," Kate commented as Johanna served her next.
"Hush," her mother told her before moving back to the stove and pouring the gravy into the gravy boat that she had found shoved into the back of one of Kate's cupboards. She set the gravy boat on the table and then a bowl of green beans before making the trek back to the oven.
"There's more?" Jim inquired as he watched her.
"There is unless you don't want these rolls," she answered as she took the pan from the oven and slid the hot rolls onto a plate that she added to the table.
"Did you make those or are they store bought?"
"I made them."
"Like your mother's?"
"Is there any better kind?" Johanna asked.
"Hell no," Jim remarked, adding one to his plate. "Did you make coleslaw?"
"Yes, I'm getting it," she replied with a smile.
"Do we have any groceries left?" Kate questioned.
"We have enough to last us awhile longer," her mother stated as she set the bowl of chilled coleslaw on the table. "Save room for dessert, Jim."
"Is it cherry pie?"
"No; it's a birthday cake."
"What kind?"
"It's a surprise."
Kate and Johanna filled their plates while Jim dug into his. "By all means, Dad; don't wait for us," she told her father teasingly.
"It's my birthday, I don't have to wait; especially when it's this damn good."
"It's all still good?" Johanna asked; hoping that her menu still had the appeal that it always had.
"No restaurant could compare," he told her honestly. "This is one of the top five reasons I married you."
She laughed as she reached for the gravy boat. "You only had five reasons?"
"Only five really important ones."
"I thought you only had two reasons," Kate spoke up. "You love her and she can cook. What's the other three?"
"She's smart," Jim answered. "I wanted a smart wife."
"And reason four?" Johanna asked.
He smiled at her. "You're beautiful."
A shy smile ghosted across her lips. "I only feel beautiful when I'm with you," she admitted softly.
"Trust me; you're beautiful all the time."
"There's still a reason left," their daughter commented. "What is it?"
"I'm not at liberty to discuss that," Jim remarked.
"Why not?" Kate asked.
He looked at his wife and grinned. "It's personal."
"Oh God," Kate muttered as Johanna blushed and tried to keep from smiling. "I wish I hadn't asked."
"That'll teach you," he told her before turning his attention back to his wife. "This is a wonderful meal, sweetheart; thank you. I couldn't imagine a better birthday dinner."
"You're welcome," she murmured; keeping a small smile on her lips for him but she still didn't feel like it was enough and it made her heart ache.
The ache remained in place throughout the course of the meal, an awkward feeling settling over the table during lulls in the conversation. She felt uneasy and she knew that it was probably coming through loud and clear to Jim that she and Kate had some issue between them. She suppressed a sigh; nothing ever went as she planned it.
When they had finished with dinner, Johanna cleared away the dishes and set out the smaller plates for the cake before sitting the cake holder in the middle of the table and removing the lid. "I hope you'll like it," she said as she set the lid aside and picked up a knife.
"I always love your chocolate cake," Jim replied.
"It's not really the cake itself that concerns me, it's the icing," Johanna remarked. "I think I got it to turn out right but I'll let you be the judge."
She sliced the cake and laid a piece on a plate and handed it to him and then did the same for Kate and herself. She didn't touch hers though, her foot tapping against the floor as she waited for Jim to finish taking a sip of his coffee and to try the confection. Finally Jim sunk his fork into the cake and took a bite.
He smiled as he chewed and swallowed. "That's my mother's butter cream icing," he said as he met her eye.
"It tastes right?"
"Yes; it's just like hers was…how did you ever remember how to make that after all of this time?"
"I could remember the ingredients pretty well," she answered. "It was the amounts that gave me a problem. It took me a few tries to get it right since I didn't have my recipe book."
"I offered to go get it for her," Kate said around bites of her cake.
"It turned out just right," Jim stated; "But I'll bring you your book tomorrow. I know you probably miss it."
"I would appreciate that…I do miss it."
"I didn't know this was Grandma Beckett's recipe," their daughter commented.
"It was the one kind of icing that my mother never made," Johanna said; "And I knew how much your father liked it and that Elizabeth could do it well…I was worried about asking her to teach me but I guess I caught her on a good day."
Jim chuckled quietly. "I heard that you did a trade off for this recipe; her chocolate butter cream icing for your peanut butter icing."
She nodded. "That's true…that's probably the real reason she was nice about it. She knew if she was mean I'd leave and she'd get nothing."
"I think it was a good trade," her husband stated. "I haven't had her icing in a long time, it was a nice surprise."
"I'm glad it turned out," Johanna said before falling silent.
Kate finished off her piece of cake and got from the table. "Where are you going?" her father asked.
"To get something, I'll be right back."
Jim glanced at Johanna and she shrugged, figuring that Kate had a gift for him…and now she could feel even worse watching as she gave it to him in front of her when she was empty handed. Sure enough when Kate returned, she slid a small flat box towards her father.
"What's this?" he asked.
"A present, open it."
Jim lifted the lid on the box and pulled out a pair of tickets to a ballgame. "These are great," he smiled. "Thank you, Katie."
"You're welcome," she replied. "I don't know if I'll get to go with you with the way things are but…"
Johanna's head jerked upwards at the comment and Kate instantly ceased her stream of words. She'd done it again. "Don't not go on my account," Johanna stated. "I'll be fine."
"I didn't mean you," her daughter said hurriedly. "I meant my job in general."
Her gaze dropped to her plate, she was just another job to her daughter, and while she had already known that, it still kind of stung to hear it be confirmed.
"I didn't mean that the way it sounded," Kate added before raking a hand through her hair and muttering a curse under her breath.
"Just stop going in that line of conversation, Katie," Jim remarked. "You just keep digging the hole deeper."
"Yeah…we have a habit of that around here."
"I'm sorry that I don't have a gift for you," Johanna said, ignoring the comments.
He smiled. "You know I don't worry about gifts. I'm happy just to be here with you and Katie. That's all I need."
Knowing Jim, he really meant that but it didn't make her feel any better…it only made her feel worse somehow. She got up from the table and began to make herself busy putting away the leftovers and stacking dishes.
"You didn't eat your cake," her daughter said to her back.
"I'll eat it later; I don't really want it right now."
Kate sighed; she should've given her father her gift later on or she should've taken it to him in the morning so that her mother wouldn't be a witness to the event. Better yet, she should've just gone and got the book she wanted that morning…but she had to be stubborn about it, telling herself that Johanna had taken back the money and told her not to, that she'd rather have nothing than to ask a favor of her again. She should've just done it anyway…like she would've done years ago. That subconscious need to punish her mother for her misdeeds had apparently snuck up on her and took hold but she hadn't only punished her mother…she had deprived her father of the first gift from his wife in thirteen years. Her phone rang; sparing her from further thought and she hurriedly pulled it from her pocket and answered it.
A minute later she disconnected the call and gave her father a regretful smile. "I have to go to the precinct, they just brought in a suspect in my case…I'm sorry, Dad."
"That's alright," he told her as she rounded the table and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "It isn't the first time and it probably won't be the last."
"Thanks for adding to the guilt."
"You're welcome."
Kate smiled at him. "Stay with her until I get back; I don't like her to be alone at night even with a unit watching the building."
"I already planned on it, Katie. Go on, we'll be fine."
"Come lock the door," she told him before throwing a glance to her mother; "I'll be back in a little while, it shouldn't take too long."
Johanna nodded and returned to her tasks of cleaning up, leaving Kate with a feeling of being silently chastened and she felt like she deserved it.
"Don't worry about your mother," Jim said as he followed her to the door. "I'll take care of her."
"I know…she's a little down today…"
"I noticed," he replied; "Just like I noticed that things seem like they've taken a little step backwards between the two of you…I thought things were starting to get a little better."
She shifted on her feet. "We might've had words last night…not as bad as it has been but bad enough I guess."
"Who started it?"
"I guess we both did in a way…but it's kind of more my fault than hers."
Jim nodded. "What are you going to do about that?"
"Make it up to her," Kate replied. "I have to get going, I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Be careful," he told her before closing the door behind her and locking it.
When he returned to the kitchen, Jim caught Johanna's eye and smiled. Her face promptly crumbled, a sob breaking free as she hid her face behind her hands.
"Hey, what's this about?" he asked in concern as he made his way to her side and pried her hands away from her face.
"I wanted it to be special," she cried. "I wanted to give you a nice birthday."
"You did," he assured.
Johanna shook her head. "It was all wrong. I didn't get to do anything special for you."
"What do you call dinner?"
"An ordinary every day event," she remarked; "And things were off all through it because of me and Katie."
"That's not true. I know things are still a little unsteady between you and Katie but everything was fine and the dinner was far from ordinary. You made my favorite…and believe me; I've been wanting your fried chicken for a long time. I wouldn't trade that meal for any other birthday dinner that you could imagine."
The response didn't soothe her feeling of failure and she continued to cry. "I don't have a card for you or…"
"I don't need a card," Jim interrupted.
"I don't have a gift for you either. I wanted to get you something but Katie didn't have time to take me out. I asked her to get that book you wanted so I could give it to you but she forgot and it was too late…"
"Shhh," he soothed. "It doesn't matter, Jo. I don't need a store bought gift."
"It matters to me," she cried.
"It shouldn't," he replied, brushing away her tears. "You gave me a wonderful gift, sweetheart."
"What?"
"You," Jim answered, giving her a smile as he cupped her face. "You're the best gift that I could've asked for. You're all I need…all I ever needed. This is the best birthday I've had in a long time solely because you're here with me."
"It doesn't seem like enough," she whispered.
"It is," he stated with gentle conviction before claiming her lips in a kiss.
"I just wish it could've been more," Johanna said softly.
"It's fine just the way it is; no more tears. I'm not a kid that gets disappointed about gifts and parties."
She frowned. "You're my husband, I'm supposed to make these things special."
"You have, now don't worry anymore about it. Sit down and eat your cake. I want to look at the paper; I didn't get to read it this morning."
Johanna picked up the newspaper from the counter and handed it to him. "Do you want some more cake?"
"I'll take another piece," he smiled; "And some more coffee too."
She grabbed the coffee pot and refilled his mug as he settled down in his chair and then she picked up her cake plate and sat it down in front of him. "That's yours," he commented.
"I don't want any right now; you eat it so it doesn't go to waste."
He gave her a look and she shrugged. "Dinner was enough for me for now, I'll eat a piece in a little while."
"Make sure you do," he remarked before sinking his fork into her piece of cake.
She turned back to the sink, wishing she just had one little thing to give him…and then a thought came to mind. She had developed a tradition in Wyoming; she wrote him a letter for every birthday, holiday, anniversary, and just any day in particular when she needed to feel like she was talking to him somehow. It wouldn't be much but she could write him a letter and give it to him…it could serve as a substitute until she could get something better. She left the room and went to her bedroom and grabbed what she needed from the drawer of the nightstand and then returned to the kitchen.
"What are you doing?" Jim asked as she sat down at the far end of the table with her tablet of paper.
"You'll find out soon enough," she answered as she uncapped her pen.
He gave her a curious smile but turned his attention back to the newspaper as he knew she wanted. He kept stealing glances at her though as she filled the lines of the page in front of her, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she concentrated. A smile tugged at his lips, how could she ever think that he needed something more than her?
As he finished reading the newspaper, Johanna finished her letter and carefully tore the pages from the tablet and folded them before shoving them into an envelope. She wrote Jim's name across the front of it and then slid it down the table to him.
"I'm afraid that's all I have to offer as a gift for now," she remarked softly; "But it's better than nothing."
He accepted her letter as he gave her a sympathetic smile. "I wish this didn't bother you as much as it does, Jo."
"I can't help it…I just…well it doesn't matter, nothing's going to make me feel better about it so there's no point in discussing it further. We'll just be going around in circles and I have dishes to wash."
Jim couldn't alleviate her guilt but he wished that he could as he watched her rise from her chair and move to the sink. He hated to see her so weighted down and her self perceived shortcomings in making his birthday special only added to the weight on her shoulders. His birthday wasn't a big deal to him, like he told her, he wasn't a kid and it only served to remind him that he was another year older. Being older didn't bother him either, he was still in good health and able to do all the things he always had. He could admit that this year looked a little brighter though…because Johanna was back, shining her special brand of light into his world. She felt badly though, and regardless of his feelings about birthdays, it mattered to her and that wasn't something to be taken too lightly. Brushing off her concern would hurt her more and he didn't want that.
"Should I open this now or do you want me to wait until I get home?" he asked.
"It's your gift; you can open it whenever you want."
He slid his finger beneath the flap of the envelope and pulled out the pages she had tucked inside. He gave himself a moment to drink in the familiarity of her elegant script before he focused on the words she had written.
July 6, 2012
My Darling,
I know I've already spoken the words, but let me once again wish you a Happy Birthday. It's not the day that I would've liked to give you, I wish so badly that I could've done something more and given you something more but as always lately, my luck was against me. I know you don't want me to be bothered by it but I am; just as I'm bothered by every birthday that I was forced to miss. I wish I could make them all up to you, God knows there's nothing I'd like more than to be able to change the way things have been but just know that one never went by without me thinking about you and longing to be with you.
I hate to admit that the date almost slipped by me this year but I have a feeling that you know that. My head has been so muddled with a million little thoughts that I guess I lost track of the days…perhaps if I hadn't I would've had time to make things a little better or at least to beg the warden to take me to get a gift. I know, I shouldn't call her that, she's our daughter, she didn't ask for this and I'm intruding in her home…but she made me angry last night and I…wrote the words before I could edit them from my mind. Forgive me; you know I love her. I just wish I had something to give you, you know how things like that bother me.
It's hard to believe that we've reached this…shall we just say 'decade' of our lives. I don't know about you but it still surprises me sometimes. I guess somewhere inside I had myself convinced that I'd stay thirty for a good long time. You probably wish I had too. But one day I blinked and suddenly I was my mother's age and she was looking back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if you ever see Robert looking back at you. I don't feel my age though…I don't think you do either, at least you don't seem to; you don't seem any different to me; and no, that's not a bad thing. You're still as handsome and enticing as always; still warm and kind and good; funny and loving. In fact I think we still seem the same as when we got married; maybe age hasn't affected us yet; thank God!
You know I've always found numbers to be somewhat distasteful, especially the ones signifying my age…although I don't have a problem with yours…but that's probably because you're older than me, ha ha; but if you want to join me in the club of delusion maybe we can just pretend we're twenty years younger…I already slice a year off my age, what's nineteen more?
Your birthday is the one day of the year when I am eternally grateful to Elizabeth Bradley Beckett for the sole reason that she brought you into the world. Of course I'm sure if she had known that she was bringing you into it to end up with me, she would've given it more thought because we both know how she felt about me, ha ha. You're her greatest gift to the world; no offense to your siblings of course, but you are the best one…although I admit that I might be biased in that respect. Every day I'm thankful that you chose me to share your life; it's the best gift I've ever received. You're the man I always dreamed of…and far more than I ever deserved. Elizabeth had her faults, as we all do, but she and Robert raised a good man, the best man I've ever known and I know that they were very proud of you as am I. You're a wonderful, loving father to our daughter and you've always been an incredible loving, supportive husband.
I promise you that your next birthday is going to be better than this one. I'll make it special and worthy of you. All day I've been thinking about past birthdays of yours, like that year when we had only been dating for about a month and your mother got so angry because she wanted to make dinner for you but you told her that I was cooking for you. She was so mad that she called me at my office and told me to call it off; that you were her son and you should be with her on your birthday and not me. She was livid when I refused and told her that it was true that you were her son, but you were also the man I loved and that meant that I had just as much right to do something nice for you. Lizzie really hated me after that…I think maybe she called your aunt Theresa and had her put a curse on me; you know, one of those slow acting ones…it would explain a lot.
The parties were always nice when I or someone else would throw you one and I loved going to baseball games with you as one of your gifts, especially that first year we were married when we were lucky enough to go to one on your birthday instead of before it or after it. It was a good game…and an even better night; but I'm sure you remember that. One of my favorite memories though is that July when Katie was three. I wasn't working that summer and you were able to get a few days off so we'd have a long weekend to celebrate your birthday. We had cake and ice cream with Katie and then we left her with Mom and we went up to the cabin, just the two of us. I can still remember that first night, how we sat on that old porch swing for hours, nothing to be heard but the squeak of the swing chains and the crickets, the sound of the lake in the distance; fireflies lighting up the night around us. It was so quiet and perfect and we talked in whispers for some reason…maybe we were afraid to break the peacefulness. It was romantic too…and we watched the sun come up before we finally went inside…and knowing you, I'm sure you recall that we spent a good deal of that day inside…not that I'm complaining. It was so nice though to have those days to ourselves; it was like a small little second honeymoon. I wish we could go back there now and relive those days while making new memories.
I wish for some many things, Jim; but most of all, I wish I could make you happy again like I used to, like I want to. I've been rambling on a great deal, trying so hard not to say the words I want to say because I've said them before and I know that you don't really want to hear them too much right now. I don't blame you…and I know you probably doubt them…but I do love you, Jim. I think I've loved you from the first day I laid eyes on you; it took me awhile to figure it out but it took you awhile too. I've loved you every day for nearly forty years and nothing and no one can ever change that. It's never diminished with time; it's never lost its fire or shine. My love for you grows every day, even when we're separated. It's always been there, even in the blackest of moments, shining brightly in the darkness, giving me reason to live, to hope, to dream; guiding me on the slow journey back to where I belong. You're my world and my heart and my life. I hope that one day you won't doubt that; that you'll know it to be true with every inch of your soul like you always have before.
I wish there was no reason for me to write about doubts…that none of this had ever happened. I wish that instead of sitting in our daughter's kitchen that we were out somewhere celebrating together without the worries that plague us now. I wish I didn't feel like I had let you down once again. I'm going to make it all up to you, I swear I will.
I wish I had more to give you besides a rambling letter and my love…but for now it's all I have to offer. You've had my love every day for the majority of your life, so it kind of falls into the same category as the dinner I made tonight. Ordinary, every day event…but one day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to give you everything you want or need. I swear it'll be better next year; you just wait and see…I'll get it right again, just for you. I love you, honey; always and forever.
Love, Johanna
Jim's throat felt tight with emotion after he finished reading her letter and he picked up his cup of coffee and took a long sip as he stared at her back. She had always had a way with words, a way of making her feelings clear and felt. He felt the love that her words held…the regret, the guilt, the pain, the hope and the determination. Knowing that she had picked up on his unease when she told him that she loved him made his heart twist. It wasn't that he didn't want to hear it, he did and it wasn't that he didn't love her…he loved her more than anything. He just hadn't been able to say the words yet. It was like when he had first fallen in love with her, they were friends and the boundaries kept blurring more and more and yet he couldn't say the words out of fear of what could go wrong…the fear that he'd screw up and lose her. It was the same now…he was still hesitating to say the words all because he was afraid. The fear was different and yet the same. He was afraid he'd lose her again; not that keeping the words to himself would make it hurt less but still…he just couldn't yet, no matter how much he wanted to. He could show it more though, just like he used to when he had been hesitant before. He was more of a shower than a teller in some ways and it would help ease her mind until he could say the words.
He didn't want her to be so upset about his birthday though, it wasn't necessary…but little things had always mattered so much to her. He rose from the table and moved to the sink. He touched her elbow, drawing her attention to him although he knew that she acutely aware of his presence at her side.
Johanna rinsed the plate she had been washing and then reached for the dish towel to dry her hands before turning to face her husband, a small feeling of apprehension lingering inside of her. Jim reached out and cradled her face in his hand before dipping his head and capturing her lips in a kiss.
"I never doubted that you love me, Johanna," Jim stated quietly. "If you didn't you wouldn't have come back and you wouldn't be so upset about a birthday that's been perfectly fine. I know how badly you feel about everything that's happened; I know it isn't what you wanted and that you have remorse for it. I don't want you to walk around here thinking that I doubt your feelings, because I don't. I know you love me…and I don't want you to feel like you can't say it when you want to because you can."
Her eyes filled with tears but she held them back as his thumb caressed her cheek. She'd like to say the words all the time but she had seen the uneasy look that would flicker in his eyes when she did and he had yet to say the words to her…he wasn't ready yet, that much was clear and maybe it upset him when she said it and he couldn't yet. She wouldn't pressure him to say the words back to her and she'd try to curb her need to say it as much as possible. There were other ways to give and show love.
"Do you understand?" her husband asked.
"Yes," she murmured.
His mouth captured hers once more, his arms slipping around her waist. "I want you to stop being bothered by the way we're spending my birthday. You're my gift, nothing can compare to you and now you've given me this letter and I've always cherished your words, Jo. I didn't come here expecting gifts that you're in no position to give; I came to be with you…because that's what I wanted most out of this day. I not only got what I wanted but I also got my favorite dinner and a cake that has my mother's icing on it and that means more to me than you probably realize. All of that was more than enough to make me happy."
"I've given you better though…don't you remember."
"Every one spent with you has been wonderful; but yes, I remember the one you're thinking of when we went up to the cabin. I remember that night on the porch swing, I remember those walks we took and how we went swimming and fishing in the lake. I remember that night under the stars…"
Johanna's eyes closed at the memory, her heart fluttering as his lips caught hers tenderly. "I remember long nights spent wrapped up in you," he went on; "And I remember that when we came back we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get Katie to go home with us because Frank and Naomi had spoiled her rotten. Do I wish that we could walk out of here right now and go there and relive those memories? Yes, but I'm content to be here with you too. Stop beating yourself up, Jo; everything's fine."
She nodded because she knew that was what he wanted but nothing could truly be okay until all of this was over and she was able to properly start making up for things. She had to shake this off though, if she kept letting this feeling of depression choke her, she'd really be ruining his birthday.
"Let me help you with the dishes so you can get done and then we'll go find something to watch on TV. We'll have a little while together before Katie gets back."
"Alright," Johanna replied, conjuring up a smile for him. "It would be nice to have you to myself for awhile before she gets back."
"My thoughts exactly," he replied, brushing another kiss against her lips; "And thank you for the letter."
"You're welcome."
He smiled at her and brushed his knuckles against her cheek before grabbing the dish towel to start drying the dishes for her.
Once they were settled on the sofa and had picked something to watch on TV, Johanna slid toward Jim and curled up against his side as he wrapped an arm around her. "What do you want to do next year for your birthday?" she asked.
Jim rubbed his hand along her arm. "I don't know…by then we'll probably be ready for a vacation."
"So you want to go away for your birthday?"
He nodded. "I like the thought of going away somewhere with you."
"Just the two of us?" she inquired as her hand found his.
"Of course," he smiled; "It's more fun that way. Besides, we wouldn't be able to talk Katie into going with us even if we did want her to go along…which we don't…and that doesn't mean we love her any less."
Johanna laughed softly. "I agree wholeheartedly. Somewhere for just the two of us…anywhere in particular that you'd like to go?"
"As long as you're there, I don't care where we go."
"Sounds like the discussion we had when we were deciding where to go for our honeymoon."
He grinned. "Well all that mattered to me was that you were there and we had a nice room. I didn't care where it was, that's why I made you pick. Hawaii was a great choice though, I enjoyed it."
"It was great there," she agreed; "And it goes without saying that I enjoyed it too. I think you should pick this time though since it's for your birthday."
Jim gave her a mischievous look. "The Balfour is still open."
"No; absolutely not," Johanna replied with a shake of her head.
"Why not?" he laughed.
"Because I've already done my haunted hotel duty with you, even before I was legally obligated to."
"Legally obligated?"
"We weren't married, engaged, or dating."
"I signed us in as a married couple though."
"No, you signed us in as Spencer and Katherine Tracy."
Jim laughed. "I was giving you the chance to be your idol. You know you want to go back there."
She shook her head. "No way. I think of that place every time I hear Hotel California. I bet that song is based on the Balfour and they just changed the name to keep from being cursed or something."
"Now that you mention it, I kind of think of it too when I hear that song," he chuckled; "But I think it would be fun to go back and see if you're friend Charlie is still haunting the place."
"I have no desire to renew my acquaintanceship with Charlie, the womanizing ghost. I still get the heebie jeebies thinking about that ghost touching me."
"I still laugh when I think about it," Jim remarked. "I can still hear you yelling at me to get him."
"I'm so glad that amused you, honey."
"It did; it was one of the best times of my life."
"That's good to know but I'm not going back there."
"Oh come on," he told her, his fingertips moving against the bare skin of her arm; "We can have more fun there this time now that we're married for real."
Johanna smirked at him. "If you think for one minute that I'd have sex with you in a haunted hotel room, you're out of your mind."
He laughed. "Why not?"
"Because I don't go for having an audience, real or ghostly. I didn't even like taking a shower in that place."
"I offered to stand guard," Jim reminded her.
"You just wanted to see me naked."
He grinned. "Some things never change."
She couldn't keep the smile from curving her lips upward. "Well you can just forget it; you're lucky you've talked me into the things we've done. I'm not giving any ghosts a show."
Jim squeezed her arm affectionately. "It's not really so much that I've talked you into things…it's more like I talked you into places."
She nodded. "I remember."
"Those were good times."
"They were," she agreed; "And sometimes I still wonder how I let you talk me into it."
He pondered that for a moment. "Which time are we talking about?"
"I was thinking of the elevator…at work."
"It was after hours, no one knew…besides, it wasn't my fault."
"Well it wasn't mine!" she exclaimed.
Jim laughed. "Yes it was; you knew I was coming back from that trip that day and you wore that outfit to tempt me."
"It's not my fault you couldn't control yourself for ten more minutes."
"It's not my fault that you had to work late and kept me waiting."
She laughed, her cheeks warming in remembrance as she laid her head against his shoulder. "I guess we're just lucky that was in the 70's before they started putting cameras in the elevators."
"That's probably why they started putting cameras in the elevators," he quipped.
"We're getting off topic," Johanna stated. "We're supposed to be planning our getaway."
He nodded. "Right, no ghosts and the elevators can't have cameras."
"Jim!" she chastened with a giggle, as she gently swatted his chest.
"Okay," he laughed; "I know when I'm beat; let's see, where can we go?"
"We could go to an island," she suggested.
"No; we'll save a tropical destination for you. Your birthday is in the winter, I'll take you somewhere where you can be warm for a few days."
Johanna smiled at him. "That would be nice."
He brushed a kiss against her forehead. "I'll give you a nice birthday…I missed this year's and a lot of others but I'll make it up to you."
"You don't have to," she said quietly; knowing exactly what he was doing. He was trying to subtly remind her that he had missed her birthday as well, that he knew it and wished it had been different.
"Of course I do; you're not the only one who has missed out on celebrating birthdays. I need to make up for yours."
"It's not the same," she murmured. "It's my fault you missed them."
"No, it isn't," he stated. "It's the fault of the person who caused all of this…but we'll get it all worked out and we'll make up for things and have some nice new memories."
She swallowed hard; she didn't want to cry again, this was his day and she wanted to keep it nice and relaxed like their conversation had been. "We still need to pick a place to go for your next birthday," she stated; effectively changing the subject.
Jim got the message; she didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to keep the focus on him and that was fine, he didn't want to lose the moments they had been sharing. "Do you want to go some place we've never been before or does it matter?"
"It's your trip; it's up to you, it can be whatever you want."
"There is one place I've always wanted to go back to," he said after a few moments thought.
"Where?"
"Tennessee," he answered; "We went there when I was a kid. It's a beautiful state."
"I remember you telling me about that; Robert took you all there so Elizabeth could see the Grand Ole Opry."
"That's right," he replied; "But we also went up in the Smoky Mountains. It was beautiful there and there's a good bit to do there. We could always go to several different places in the state if there's something you'd like to see."
"I'd like to go Nashville," Johanna answered; "But I've seen ads and travel shows about the Smoky Mountains and it does look like a beautiful place. I wouldn't mind seeing it. Maybe we could go to Memphis too."
He nodded. "That sounds like a plan."
She smiled; the plans already taking shape in her mind. "Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"Do they have any baseball teams there for you to see?"
"They have some minor league teams…but I don't mind watching a minor league team if you insist on taking me to a ball game."
She tilted her head and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I insist."
"Well then far be it for me to deny you that right."
Johanna wrapped her arm around him in an embrace. "Next year is really going to be good."
"It's going to be wonderful," he agreed.
"I'll make it happen," she promised; her voice light but carrying an undertone of seriousness.
"I know you will," Jim answered as he caressed her arm.
When Kate walked back through her door a few hours later, she found her parents together on the couch, her mother curled up against her father's side…the way she always liked to be. She closed the door quietly, keeping the bag she carried from view. "I'm sorry that I was gone longer than I thought," she stated while she locked the door.
"That's alright, Katie," Jim answered. "We didn't mind."
A smile ghosted across her lips as she headed toward them. "I'm sure you didn't…you have to get in that alone time away from the kid."
He grinned. "That's what makes a marriage last."
"Well then I'll stop feeling bad about leaving your party," she replied as she held out the bag to Johanna, who looked up at her with a puzzled look. "And, Dad, forgive me for delaying your gift from my mother. She asked me to pick it up for her yesterday and I forgot. I'm sorry," she said, but her gaze was directed at Johanna as she uttered the words.
Johanna gave her a subtle nod of acceptance as she took the bag from her outstretched hand. "Thank you," she murmured.
As his wife took the book from the bag and grabbed a pen from the stand to write inside the cover, Jim looked at his daughter and gave her a small understanding smile before speaking. "Should I punish you for your misdeed?" he asked lightly.
Kate shook her head. "I've already been punished…I had to eat cereal for breakfast."
He laughed. "That is a harsh punishment. I'm glad you survived it."
"I'm sorry," Johanna said, her gaze flicking toward her daughter. "Breakfast will be better tomorrow."
Her daughter gave her the same subtle nod of acceptance that she had received and they both breathed a little easier. Kate stepped away and took a seat in the chair as her mother finished her inscription and handed the book to Jim.
"Happy Birthday again," she told him.
He took his gift and kissed her. "Thank you…I hope you feel better now."
"I do," she answered. "I feel much better."
Jim lingered for a little while longer and then said his goodbyes to Kate before she disappeared to her room so that he and Johanna could say goodnight in private. His wife followed him to the door and gave him a smile as he turned to face her.
"Do you have everything?" she asked, giving a nod to the bag that held his gifts.
Jim opened it and looked inside. "Book, letter and tickets; it's all there…unless you want to see if you can fit in there."
"I wish I could," she replied with a soft laugh.
"I wish you could too; I'd run away with you."
"That'd be nice," she said wistfully.
He pulled her into his arms for a tight embrace. "Wishes come true sometimes," he whispered in her ear.
"I know…I'll keep hoping that our trend holds."
"It will," he assured before indulging in a long slow kiss.
The words slipped from her lips before she could stop them. "I love you."
She tensed as he froze, his gaze locked on hers and she wished she could pull the words back. She had told herself she'd try to keep from saying it…and she had done the opposite within mere hours of the decision. His fingertips grazed the line of her jaw, his mouth opening and closing but no words spilling from them…and she desperately wished that he would say the words but she knew it wasn't going to happen tonight.
"I…," he began to say but he faltered and Johanna managed a smile for him even as her eyes filled with tears. "I know," she whispered.
He nodded; hating himself a little as he brushed his lips against her cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart."
"Goodnight, honey…let me know you got home okay."
"I promise; make sure you lock the door."
Within moments he was gone, the locks turned and settled into place and Johanna leaned back against the door. She'd just have to keep wishing.
The next morning, Kate entered the kitchen just in time to see her mother set a plate of waffles on the table.
"Good morning," Johanna said as she looked up and met her daughter's eye.
"Good morning."
"I hope you find your breakfast menu more to your liking today," her mother quipped.
Kate nodded as she sat down. "It's like you read my mind."
Johanna divided the scrambled eggs between their plates. "I can't take all of the credit; a little birdie told me there was a waffle craving around here."
She allowed a smile to touch her lips despite the whisper in her brain that told her she was dangerously close to cracking the door open a little further to her mother. Kate shook that thought away as she slid a waffle onto her plate. It was better to have easy conversation than to fight.
Before she joined her daughter at the table, Johanna pulled some money from her pocket and slid it across the table to Kate.
"What's this for?"
"The book; is that enough to cover it?"
Kate didn't want to take her money but she picked up the folded bills and checked the amount her mother had handed over. If she refused to accept it, it would start another war and hurt her mother's pride…not to mention that she could already hear Johanna Beckett exclaiming "If I didn't pay for it it's not from me". She didn't need that aggravation.
"I owe you change," she told her.
"You can keep the change for your time."
"I don't want you to pay me for my time."
"Then keep it for lunch or something."
"When I get home this evening I'll count out your change and leave it and the receipt on your nightstand."
Johanna gave a slight nod. "Whatever makes you happy."
Silence fell between them as it often did and Kate subtly shifted in her seat, wishing some mundane topic would fill the air.
"So am I forgiven?" her mother asked.
Kate's head jerked upwards, "forgiveness?" Why was that suddenly a topic?
"For the cereal yesterday," Johanna added upon seeing her daughter's reaction to the question.
"Oh…yeah; the error has been rectified."
"I'm glad to hear that; things like that keep me up at night."
"I've noticed."
"You have?"
"It sounded like you were crying last night when I got up to get a drink."
"I'm sorry; I thought I was being quiet."
"You were…but it was the middle of the night and there really wasn't any noise to muffle the sound no matter how soft it was as I walked by your door."
"I'll try to be quieter."
"Was there a problem?" Kate reluctantly asked.
"Shouldn't you have knocked on the door and asked that last night?"
She shrugged. "I figured you needed privacy."
Which really translated to the fact that her daughter didn't really want to be her shoulder to cry on, Johanna thought to herself; not that she expected she would be. "There was no problem…nothing more than usual."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning that…sometimes I cry over daydreams and wishes that seem too far out of reach," Johanna remarked.
Her daughter seemed to be at a loss for words about how to respond to that and so she smiled softly and let her off the hook. "Don't worry about it, Katie; it's nothing that time won't take care of. Eat your breakfast; you don't want to be late for work."
"Dad will be here today, right?"
"Yes, he'll be here," she answered, her heart responding with its usual flutter at the thought of him…and his words that reminded her that sometimes wishes came true.