"You're nothing! Nothing but a useless piece of trash. No one will ever love you. No one can ever love you, there is nothing to love...you were not made to be loved." These are the words I grew up to. The words I have heard everyday of my life. I didn't want to be trash. I have tried so hard to fight them. I didn't want to believe them but I have come to realize you can't fight the truth. Oh sure I tried. I first heard it from my mom and her johns. "You're nothing, this is all you'll every be good for", coming from her johns as they took my innocence. Ma was no help she would just slap me around and tell me to "quit complaining and get used to it. This is what you are". They were junkies and perverts so I tried not to believe them. They didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't even know what day of the week it was. No one else ever noticed me either. Teachers at school overlooked me as a trouble maker because of the fights I got into with the boys who didn't want to take no for an answer. I started to feel like nothing when no one noticed the abuse I was taking. How could no one not notice a beaten skinny little kid? God maybe I really WAS nothing. That's why no one ever noticed because being nothing would mean that there is nothing to notice. I think I might just have something in me...something wrong with me that people around can feel. When they look at me they KNOW that there is nothing good or worthwhile there.

And then my watcher showed up and I thought this is my proof that I'm somebody. A VAMPIRE SLAYER! I thought it would be my salvation. Sure I am pretty much guaranteed a short life with a horrible death but I'm not nothing anymore. I had a purpose, a destiny. I was going to be the best damn slayer ever! I trained constantly. I would raptly listen to anything my watcher had to say, trying to take everything in. For once in my life I had a way out of the trash. No one could touch me.

And then there was Kakistos. I guess he didn't like me staking all his guys. Or maybe he was just bored and thought I could entertain him for a bit. He had my watcher and I for nine days before I escaped. The things he did...I can never forget. I have nightmares about it every night. Being forced to see and hear how everyday he tore my watcher apart little by little. As he would rape her or slice off a body part she would scream and cry for me to help her. There was nothing I could do..NOTHING. I was tied down and beaten. Kakistos would taunt me. "What kind of slayer are you that you can't even protect your own watcher. You're a pathetic sad excuse for a slayer. You're not even a slayer...you are nothing". I couldn't hear this again. It hurt, I tried to escape. I tried to save her but it was no use. When she finally died he came for me. So far other than beating me to a bloody pulp and taunting me with my watchers screams and his words he has let me be...useless...until he slipped. His mistake was thinking he had me completely broken, with no more fight. But I didn't go through the last fifteen years of my life to just give up. It was never something I could do. I thought about giving up before, sometimes I would fantasize about being free of it all but I didn't want to prove my ma right. I was better than that. So I used his mistake of underestimating me and took his eye.

Then I ran. And continued to run for years to come. I guess I've been running my whole life but you can only run so long and you can never really escape who you truly are no matter how much you want to.