Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I do not own Sam or Dean or Castiel, the angel, or anyone else that you might recognize from the Supernatural series. Please read and review! Based loosely off of the End.
The End, Whether It Be By My Own Hand
I was getting out of the shower when I heard Dean's discussion with Sammy. Basically he told him that they needed to stay away for one another's sake 'and Isis too!' I just kept silent as they said their farewells. It was in this moment that I realized that things may be irreparable between us. Sam would never begrudge me for staying with Dean, but I would be stuck in the middle for years to come.
My heart began to bleed for Dean. I knew just how much Sammy meant to him. Sammy meant ten times as much to Dean as he did for me which was saying something. I think in Dean's mind he saw Sam as his own song. Hell, we all know John was hardly ever there, so it kind of fell onto Dean to make sure he and I were okay.
When I finally emerged from the steam filled bathroom Dean was on the phone with Castiel, his guardian angel. He was arguing that he needed sleep in order for him to continue to function. Coming to a halt in the kitchenette, I glanced up at him as he snapped the phone shut.
"Isis," he groaned as he held his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do anymore." Walking over to him I placed both of my hands on his.
"Dean, I'm sure you are making the right decisions," I soothed.
"Even though I told Sammy to leave us alone?" He looked at me as I swallowed the bitter words in my throat.
"You did what you had to. What you think is right." I pressed a tender kiss to the corner of his mouth. He looked utterly exhausted and stressed. "C'mon, let's go to bed." Silently we climbed into the bed; Dean wrapped an arm around me and fell asleep.
I couldn't blame him; he did have a lot on his plate. Same and his addiction to Demon blood, the whole Apocalypse thing, worried about my health. Oh why couldn't my life be normal? Finally I fell asleep, though I was awoken once when Dean's phone went off.
"Dean?" I asked sleepily. He stopped talking and looked at me.
"Go back to sleep baby."
"Is everythin' a 'right?" Blearily I looked up at him, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Yeah. Now go back to sleep, please?" he kissed me gently.
"Alright," I murmured and drifted back to sleep, leaving Dean to deal with whoever was on the other end of the line.
I was dreaming of my mother. Of how we would crank up the volume and dance crazily in the kitchen whenever my father would leave the house. I always loved my mother; she was the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out.
"Darling do you want to bring me the frosting? It's on the table," I turned, eager to please my mother and ran into Zachariah.
"Zachariah!" I gasped, startled at his sudden presence.
"Hello, Isis," he gave me a predatory grin. "I'm going to show you what your life would be like if you had grown up normally."
When I woke up the alarm was blaring. Groaning I rolled over to see Dean getting dressed. I lied there and watched him for several minutes. He must have felt my eyes on him for he sent me a smirk.
"Like what you see?" he was pulling up his pants. I just smiled indulgently and kept silent. "Isis, you have got to get up."
"But I'm so tired," he sighed and pulled a white t-shirt over his head.
"Honey, I've got to get to work in half an hour," He reminded me as he walked into the bathroom, his voice echoing slightly.
"Dean!" I protested as I sat up. He laughed as he emerged his hair styled.
"Isis, come on!" he grinned, exposing his white teeth. "I'll get Cas to wake you up."
"Ooo! I'm shaking in my boots now," I teased. He grinned, before it faded into a sorrowful expression. One that I did not understand.
"I miss us acting like this. Acting like normal instead of . . . well see you in a few minutes. I'll make breakfast," Leaving me confused he walked out of the room. Scrambling out of bed, I changed into a pair of black pants, and a nice blouse. Leaving the bathroom, after I brushed my teeth and styled my hair, I heard Dean's voice down the hall.
"Lisa, I don't think so," Dean was saying in a low hushed tone. I stopped in my tracks in order to listen. "Look I love you too, but . . . Lisa I have a kid as well to take care of. Not to mention a loving wife. No she seems almost as if things were the way they were before the incident. Oh come on Lisa! That's not fair!" He protested.
Trying to keep my tears at bay, I tiptoed back to our room. Composing myself I made noise so as to alert Dean that I was coming this time. When I made it back to the hallway where Dean had been on the phone with "Lisa", he was the picture of innocence.
"Hey," he said looking at me like he always did, his eyes expressing the love he had for me. But obviously it wasn't enough or he wouldn't be going behind my back. I walked into a room to reveal a child's room. It was painted in pink and white, a typical girl's room.
"Mama!" the little girl playing on the floor shouted. I was becoming more and more confused as time wore on. The girl had Dean's green eyes, and his facial shape. She had my auburn hair and my attitude. Definitely a mixture of us.
"Cassie Samantha Winchester!" Dean said as he stepped into the room. He took in all the toys scattered around. "You know what I always tell you."
"Yes Daddy," Cassie looked at the floor. "Don't make too much mess, 'cuz mommy's gotta clean it up. And she ain't been feeling so well since her accident."
"Before I get home tonight, I expect this mess to be cleaned up," Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, a familiar movement, which I knew he only did when he felt overwhelmed or stressed.
"Dean's it's alright," I tried to soothe. He just shook his head at my response.
"No. I don't need you to have another breakdown," Picking up Cassie, I followed behind my husband. "Don't forget your appointment today." We walked into the kitchen. It felt strange living the apple-pie normal life, as Dean would have called it in my time. Dean began to make breakfast, eggs and bacon, before he had to leave for work.
"Don't forget baby. Appointment at 1. First one so I have the directions on the frig. The nanny will be here shortly, probably within the hour. Love you, and I may be back late, so –" Laughing I shoved him out of the door as I kissed him goodbye, though knowing he was going to Lisa.
I found out that my appointment was with a psychiatrist. He prescribed me Xanax and another anti-depressant. He told me to take the Xanax as needed, whenever I was feeling more overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or depressed. Rolling my eyes I left his office. Dean was right; he came in at like 3'o clock in the morning.
The next morning though, I found the white t-shirt he was wearing, discarded in the bathroom. It was covered in lipstick and smelled of cheap woman's perfume. Trying desperately not to cry I just threw it in the washer with bleach. In this life Dean was likely cheating on me, something I had never had to worry about in my world. I was really starting to hate this normal life.
Going upstairs from the basement, I popped a Xanax before I started on breakfast. Two hours later Dean left for work and the nanny took Cassie out. Pulling the phone off the hook, I dialed Sam's number, which was located in the Rolodex.
"Reed, Winchester, and Loft – Attorneys at Law. Can I help you?" the secretary answered cheerfully. A little too cheerfully. She kind of gave me the creeps.
"Uh, yeah. May I speak with Sam Winchester please?"
"Do you have an appointment?" I tapped my nails in annoyance and exasperation.
"No, but – "
"Then I'm afraid you are going to need one. Let me see when he has a time for you to consult with him Mrs. – "
"Winchester. Tell Sam his damn sister-in-law wants to talk to him and family always trumps all." There was a shocked silence then a shuffle.
"Of course. I'm awfully sorry Mrs. Winchester. I had no idea who you were." I was put on hold for a while.
"Isis! What can I do for you?" I let Sammy's familiar lilt wash over me.
"Sammy. Oh good God," I sniffed.
"Is this about Dean?" he asked concerned as I struggled to compose myself. "Dammit Isis, I told you I would be better for you! Pack a bag, grab Cassie, and come stay with me."
"But Sam," I protested, not wanting to impose on Sam.
"Isis, just do it ok? I get off work in two hours. I'll meet you at the house. Alright?"
"Yeah Sam. Sure," the phone went dead suddenly. I hung up and waited for two hours. The Nanny dropped Cassie off and left. So I packed her up and drove to Sam's house.
Talk about a mansion. It was huge and a person had to buzz me in. Beautiful place with an iron wrought fence, pool, fountains, garden; you name it you got it (Think French Mistake house!). The whoever answered when I buzzed let me in. The butler led me to the study and took Cassie from me, after reassuring me she was merely going upstairs to watch television.
I waited for a while. Apparently Sam ended up waylaid at work, so I was just left alone. I paced for the majority of the time before I grabbed a book off a shelf at random. Opening it up, I was greeted with an anthology of Sophocles' works. Internally I groaned before I began to read Antigone.
"Reading deep material," Sam's voice cut through my concentration. I looked up to see my huge little brother towering over me in a suit without the jacket, tie, and he had even rolled the sleeves and unbuttoned the top three buttons for a more casual look.
"Hey Sam," I snapped the book shut and set it beside me on the sofa. Sam sat next to me as he looked at me expectantly.
"So," Sam smirked at me.
"Sam, I need to know. Is he cheating on me?"
"Uh . . . well," Sam looked vaguely uncomfortable. "Hon, we've been over this. That's why we are in this situation."
"Huh?" I asked confused. Sam merely leaned over and kissed me. Too stunned to move, I found my body actually responding to Sam's advances. He pulled back from me.
"I've told you over and over, I don't care about the miscarriage or the fact you can never have kids again or this," he gently touched my wrists. Looking down I noticed some deep scars there. Noting my horror he comforted me. "Shh. Shhh. Darling, it's all right. It's over with now," I cried myself to sleep in Sam's arms in the middle of the study.
When I woke I was in a maroon colored room. I was lying on a king-sized bed wearing no pants. Confused and bewildered I glanced around, feeling very disoriented. This normal life was a pain in the ass. Slowly I got up, dressed, and left the room to hear shouting.
"Sam she's my wife!" Dean was yelling. I ducked out of sight but listened to them fight.
"And you're cheating on her Dean! She deserves better," Sam said calmly. "After all she's been through you still don't have any compassion for her."
"I know Sam ok? I know?" Dean seemed close to breaking down. "I'm acting like a jerk – treating her like a jerk. I'm stressed right now man. With work, home - I just need something to get me through." I inhaled sharply as I heard his confession.
"Man. Really I know what you're feeling. Jesus, how many times have I been with my secretary? But at the end of the night you've got to put her first," Sam said. He wasn't any better, I realized. Not at all. I left the brothers to their devices and sought my daughter.
"Mommy!" Cassie shrieked as she looked up from her Barbie's. I forced a smile and looked upon her innocence and mentally prayed that it would last.
"Hey Cassie!" I knelt beside her. "I need you to be good for me ok?" She nodded, not quite understanding. "Cas, listen to your father and your uncle ok?"
"Are you going somewhere Mommy?" she looked at me. I just nodded keeping the tears hidden behind my impenetrable mask.
"Yes baby. But mommy will always be right here," I touched her heart. "I love you and always will. My lovely angel."
Abruptly I got up and went into Sam's bedroom. He had a letter opener on his desk. I grabbed it, went into the bathroom and locked the door. I splashed water on my face, opened the medicine cabinet, took a bottle of Ibuprofen off the shelf and popped six. Closing my eyes I went to the bathroom, flushed, and then turned on the shower. I took off my clothes and folded each article neatly on the toilet.
Grasping the gorgeous letter opened I stepped into the shower and took a deep breath. Pressing the knife into my left arm I made a deep long cut from my elbow to my wrist. Then I did the same on my right arm. I dropped the knife into the shower and watched the diluted red blood flow into the drain. Black spots danced on my vision and my body began to feel cold. I could hear my heart beat echoing through the bathroom and I grew dizzy. All of a sudden Dean and Sam's blurred faces appeared in front of me.
"Hold on Isis," Dean's distorted voice said. "Please baby. Don't leave me now."
"Isis, hey darling," Sam said softly as he put pressure on my right wrist. "Your time isn't ready to be over yet."
"Love you both. Cas . . . take care . . . of . . her." I mumbled through the fog. "Forgive you. . . both . . of . . you." I closed my eyes, as my eyelids were too heavy.
"Isis baby stay with me! Don't you dare close those beautiful eyes," I smiled as I let it all fade away before I drifted off to my eternal, peaceful, sleep.
When I awoke I was half sitting/lying in the front seat of the Impala. Looking up I saw Dean and Sam talking beside an old model Lincoln Continental painted a faded light yellow color. With a yawn I stretched and uncurled my body from the uncomfortable position I had been placed in.
Looking out the mirrors, I watched Dean hand Sam the demon knife. They gave each other a man hug and then came over to the car. Dean slid in the driver's seat and I glomped him.
"Dean!" I cried as I hugged him before I gave him a kiss. He smiled at me and leaned back in his seat as Sam got into the backseat. "Sammy!"
"Hey what's wrong Isis?" Sam asked concerned as he looked at me.
"Oh god!" I cried, tears rolling down my face. Dean gathered me close and just let my cry. Finally I calmed down enough to somewhat compose myself.
"Isis, where did Zachariah send you?" Dean asked me concerned. I hadn't been this emotional since Dean had been released from Hell.
"Oh god, Dean, it was awful!" I cried, fresh sobs wracking my body violently.
"What the hell?" Sam questioned. Dean shrugged and looked back at Sam with a helpless glance.
"Just go!" I sniffled as I felt their concerned glances on me.
"You sure baby?" Dean asked looking at me worriedly. I nodded so Dean gunned the car. We peeled out of there and left the stupid town behind.
Eight hours later Dean carried me into the hotel room, hours outside of Dallas. He gently placed me on the bed and removed the unnecessary clothing so I could be more comfortable,
"Love you Dean," I breathed as he pulled the comforter over my body.
"I love you too," he gave me a gentle kiss. With a sigh I fell asleep, to nightmares about my time in the alternate world.
That night I woke up screaming. My body was covered in sweat, my heart was beating erratically, and I had tears running down my face. Sam snapped on the light and Dean had his gun at the ready, when they realized it was just a dream
"Ice, Sweetheart what's wrong?" Dean placed his Colt back on the nightstand before comforting me. I just shook my head numbly, not wanting to talk about it.
"Sissy, we need to know what's wrong so we can help you," Sam had to kneel down to my level in order to look me in the eye. Frantically I shook my head with my eyes open wide in fear. I pressed a hand against my mouth.
"Can't or won't?" Sam raised an eyebrow. I looked at him fearfully.
"I can't! You'd all hate me!" I tried desperately to make them see.
"Babe, you're hurting yourself. You need to tell us," Dean stated moving on the bed until he was sitting at my feet. Fresh tears stung my eyes as I looked at them both.
"It started as a passing thought. To have a normal family; one in which the two most important people in my life weren't involved as vessels in the upcoming Apocalypse." I started. By the time I had finished my story two hours had passed.
"So you ended it all by slitting your wrists?" Sam asked incredulously.
"Yeah, see me in that world had already attempted suicide and I guess I had no control over my actions. Like suddenly I was becoming more like that me."
"Oh, sweetheart," Dead cradled me to him. "That would never happen in this world. You got me. You're my one and only." Sam looked vaguely uncomfortable. He abruptly stood.
"Uh . . . I'm gonna go to the local diner. Uh don't expect me back for a while," Sam grabbed his laptop case and jacket before he went to leave.
"Sammy?" Dean called, his voice vibrating through his chest.
"Yeah?"
"I'll give you a call ok?" Sam sighed but nodded before he left, firmly shutting the door.
Dean began to kiss me gently, slowly, passionately as he ran his calloused hands over my body. Goosebumps erupted over my skin as a fire erupted in my stomach. I moaned and attempted to remove his clothes.
"Whoa. Hold on there kitty," he grinned as he pulled away and knocked my hands from what they were seeking. "Today is all about you. To show you that you are mine and I am yours forever."
"Show me Dean," I breathed and he began his slow torturous assault on my body. He made love to me slowly, gently, and passionately. As we waited for our hearts to slow, he rubbed his hand on my stomach.
"I love you Isis," he whispered into my neck. "I always will."
"I know Dean," I murmured sleepily.
"Go to sleep. I'll still be here when you wake. I'll protect you always." He bit my ear as I drifted off to sleep. This time I had no more nightmares, at least while Dean was there.