Summary: Alex turned around then and saw him there on stage smiling and singing.
His first friend, his enemy. The man who challenged him more so than most others did. The man who shot him. The man who took his time, took him from Eliza and Angelica. The man who made it so here he was now with nothing but a glass of amber liquor and with the ones he loved having no memory of him at all.
Aaron Burr.
AN: This did not go the way I wanted it to go but I hit a wall and I really wanted to post Hamburr and this is what I got. Hope you guys enjoy this and if Lin Manuel Miranda is actually reading this for some godforsaken reason I apologize a million times over for butchering your amazing work.
It was a blur. A disorienting, indescribable feeling when Alex finally remembered.
He had always felt like there was something he couldn't quite recall, something he was forgetting. He would have dreams that faded too quickly to discern vital information. He suffered from severe insomnia and would wake thinking he had just been stuck in a hurricane, thinking his father had abandoned him, thinking his mother died holding him while he couldn't seem to die, no matter how much he wanted to. His parents took him to all kinds of specialists but each threw out a new possibility of what it maybe, probably was and wished to shove all manner of drugs down his throat, run a million tests or just have him committed for any number of vague forms of mental instability.
After the fifth doctor they saw accused Alex of making everything up, his mother became livid and wished to be rid of the proceedings altogether.
"I'm through with you all treating my son like a pin-cushion or a basket case. Nothing you're doing helps. We'll figure this out on our own, tomcat." His mother said.
"Say goodbye, son." His father added.
Alex was struck with memories then. It was mostly voices, his father's voice calling him 'son' and him denying that notion. His mother naming a feral cat after him because he ran wild just like Alexander did.
But no, that was backwards.
His mother nicknamed him tomcat because he reminded her of her old cat from college not the other way around. His parents' names weren't George and Martha Washington, his name was not Alexander, it was simply Alex and his last name was definitely not Hamilton. Why would he think he and his family, natives of Puerto Rico, were among the founding members of America? Maybe the doctors were right and he was losing his mind, slowly spiraling into some fantasy world his brain had conjured up. His mind ran rampant most days with so many ideas.
A million things I haven't done but just you wait.
His fingers itched to write everything that crossed his mind down.
Why do you write like you're running out of time?
He would spend the better part of a day writing every little thought he had. He would forsake food and hygiene and socialization in favor of writing all day and night but he would look up after these episodes and see his mother's worried face and his father's concern and so he decided he would not write, he'd pushed the ideas down and ignore them.
Talk less, smile more.
That was not a bad idea.
He was walking down the cold streets of New York years later in December minding his own business. He was going over his Christmas shopping list in his head. He really needed to get on it. He absentmindedly walked ahead when he suddenly bumped into a woman, purely by accident.
"I'm sorry." They said at once. Alex turned to see a woman with dark hair and familiar kind eyes. Suddenly he was struck with a well of memories.
A winter's ball.
The helpless feeling of falling.
Wishing for more time with her.
The best of wives and the best of women.
Eliza.
"Are you okay? I hope I wasn't overly rough." She said, her voice distantly polite as it would be with any stranger.
"No, no. I was just... thinking." She gave him a look of confusion at his answer.
"Lily!" A voice called from behind her. Alex looked over and saw a darker skinned woman with sharp, astute eyes watching them.
'You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied.'
A deep unsaturated longing.
Endless what ifs but nothing tangible.
Glances, soft touches, misplaced commas.
My dearest, Angelica.
"That's my sister, I'd better go. Again, I apologize." He stayed frozen to the spot, unable to move and so he let her slip away. Once he shook himself out of his stupor he ran ahead, an old longing sparked in his belly for the both of them, the Schulyer Sisters. He ran around the corner but could find no trace of them.
He couldn't find anything online for them under their names from their first lives and Lily was one of the most common names ever so it yielded very little concrete results.
Months later there was a post on Facebook concerning the marriage of Lillian Bennett to one Joshua Ruiz, this coming just a few weeks after her older sister Nicole Bennett, CEO of a successful technology company, married French ambassador Sébastien Bellefleur.
He looked over the wedding pictures of Eliza and John, his two great past loves. Angelica, one of his greatest regrets, was smiling in the background next to Lafayette, one of his closest friends.
He wondered if they remembered.
He wondered if it would hurt more or less if they did.
Alex sat hunched over his glass in a bar.
He found himself here a lot more lately. He frequented this bar much more than any other as Mulligan was both the bartender and owner. Hercules wasn't his name here and he didn't remember him, just thought of him as the alcoholic loner who didn't bother anyone despite his slightly unsettling fixation on him. This didn't stop Alex from coming almost every day, worrying his parents with his new habits. They held polite small talk from time to time but Alex never asked Mulligan anything too deep and most days they were content to not speak to each other until Mulligan had to throw him out at the last call. He kept his quiet streak going and it likely would've stayed that way until he died of liver damage if not for one night.
Mulligan's bar was successful but Alex knew what times to frequent it, knowing it would be quiet, the patrons either silent drunks like him or people wishing to drown their sorrows in peace. He had made an idle suggestion to Mulligan to have a themed night to bring in more foot traffic. He hadn't expected him to implement his suggestion and put it during the middle of the week. Alex didn't think that a karaoke night on a Wednesday would yield the desired results but it did work. There were twice as many people as normal and thrice as much noise.
Some people had some semblance of talent but mostly it was just god-awful caterwauling that only served to cut through the buzz he had going and give him a headache. He threw a dirty look Mulligan's way as he manned the bar but the man just shrugged unapologetically.
"It was your idea."
"I didn't envision this. I was thinking more along the lines of a Ladies' Night or a discount on whiskey."
"I liked this idea better. It works just fine." Alex shook his head before going back to his drink. He would have been fine staring into his glass like it held the secrets to the universe but a voice broke through his haze. It was someone singing a rendition of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart', a cliché choice as far as karaoke went. They had a good voice, smooth and contained during the verses and then a burst of restrained emotion and passion during the chorus. But it wasn't the good quality of the singer's voice that caught his attention, it was the familiarity of it, the memory that nudged at his mind as he listened to the man. He could see himself trying to convince a man to join him in his efforts to do something, to defend something and the man was refusing continuously until he came back with a burst of passion.
'I'll keep all my plans close to my chest! I'll wait here and see which way the wind will blow. I'm taking my time watching the afterbirth of a nation, watching the tension grow.'
Alex turned around and saw him there on stage smiling and singing.
Talk less, smile more.
His first friend, his enemy.
The man who challenged him more than most others did.
The man who shot him.
The man who took his time, took him from Eliza and Angelica.
The man who made it so here he was now with nothing but a glass of amber liquor and with the ones he loved having no memory of him at all.
Aaron Burr.
He felt anger bubbling up in his chest as he watched the man singing with no care at all. He seemed a lot less weary than he was in the past, carelessly throwing his head back and belting the song out. That only served to make Alex more incensed.
He stood up from his stool as his adversary walked off of the stage and went back to his table of constituents.
Among them he recognized Jefferson and Madison.
Of course he would be with them.
"Hey!" Alex called. The man turned around to face him, a familiar polite yet distant smile on his face.
"Yes?"
"Aaron Burr, sir."
"I'm sorry; I think you have the wrong man. My name is Aaron Jones." He answered, his face showing the same confusion that Eliza's had. Eliza, who he could not be with thanks to this man.
"No, I don't think I do actually." Burr's confusion grew until Alex's rage culminated in him balling his fist and punching the man straight across the face. He stumbled back from the force of the punch into the arms of one of the friends he had that Alex did not recognize. His associates immediately began to protest and shout at him. Jefferson grabbed him by his shirt and began dragging him outside, their friends following after them in a crowd.
He found himself out on the sidewalk, Jefferson set to punch him in the face while Burr's friends surrounded them, shouting and jeering and encouraging Jefferson, Devin now apparently, to kick his ass.
"Hey, let him go." Alex turned to see Mulligan there, trying to calm the crowd and stop the fight.
"Why should I?"
"He's just a drunk. He probably won't remember this tomorrow so there's no point to this."
"He's over here disrespecting my friend. He wants to start a fight he better be able to finish it."
"And you're going to finish it, coward?" Alex retorted.
He remembered that this man purported to tell him what was right for the country when he wasn't the one who was fighting and killing and having his friends die for it. He would not respect this man no matter the time. Jefferson scoffed and pulled his arm back to punch him but before he could he was stopped.
"Devin, enough." Burr said, pulling Jefferson away from him.
"Aaron, you're kidding me."
"He's clearly drunk and doesn't know what he's doing. Hitting him isn't going to change or help a thing." Jefferson scoffed again but stepped away from him nonetheless. Alex glared at Burr who stared back before he turned to his friends and put on a smile.
"This is supposed to be a fun day. Why are we out here in the streets when there is warm liquor and songs waiting to be sung inside? Go back to our table, geniuses." He said the word 'geniuses' with an air of fondness. Alex watched with some interest as his friends eventually smiled back at him and began to trickle back inside of the bar. Apparently, Burr was infinitely more popular.
Mulligan hung back for a moment as Burr turned to him.
"Is there going to be a problem here?"
"No, we'll be just fine." Burr said. Mulligan looked to Alex for confirmation. He nodded his head to Mulligan in response while looking at Burr. The man was staring at him inquiringly, looking him up and down. There was no recognition in his eyes.
He didn't remember.
Alex suddenly felt all his anger drain from him. Aaron Burr was a different person now, someone who had lived an entirely different life and would probably feel he was better off for it because he had never met Alex if he did remember. To him, Alex was a stranger just like he was to Eliza, John, Angelica, Mulligan and Lafayette. He was even a stranger to himself sometimes.
He looked at Burr once more, this man who ended his life, but he was here now and looking at him with something like concern. If he walked away now he would never see him again and though that should delight him, what did he really have? His spot on a stool in a bar he frequented much too often staring at a man who was no longer his friend? Wasting his time stalking the Schuyler sisters, John and Lafayette on social media? Avoiding his parents because looking at them hurt and he could never figure out how he was going to feel about them any particular day? He couldn't really blame Burr for all of that, could he?
"Have I done something to offend you, friend?" Burr asked suddenly, breaking the silence.
"M'notcha friend." Alex mumbled in response.
"True. My friends don't usually punch me." He said with a small smile. It was all too familiar. Just like the smiles he would give him back in their time.
Talk less, smile more.
Not at all bad advice at the moment.
"Well, maybe you should punish me for it." He answered, his voice going an octave lower as his eyebrow rose suggestively. Burr actually looked interested for a moment before shaking his head.
"You're drunk. I don't do drunks." He turned to walk back into the bar but Alex moved forward and grabbed his arm. He pulled him by the collar and dragged his face to his, pressing his lips to Burr's.
Admittedly, he had wondered before what kissing Burr would be like. There were times when he had gotten close to it. That first time they met and he invited him to have a drink. Multiple run ins while their offices were situated next to each other. Even when he ran into him after Maria's husband decided to extort him for money. Burr's mouth was soft against his, a warm weight, as was the hand that was now pushing against his shoulder.
"Look, I'm not looking for a one night stand with the guy whose name I don't know that punched me for some imagined slight. Call a taxi for yourself, go home and sleep it off." He said firmly in a voice that reminded him of the reprimands he would receive from Burr when Alex got carried away on cases they were on together. Before he could protest, Burr had already left him and made his way inside. Alex thought to go in after him but decided against it. His actions were stupid and ruinous.
Kissing Aaron Burr.
Was he really so desperate and pathetic? If nothing else, Burr wasn't wrong. He needed to sleep this stupor off.
He didn't expect to see Burr again. According to him, that was the first and only time Mulligan had seen him and his friends in the bar and Alex had not seen the man anywhere else in the neighborhood so he had no reason to expect to see him again. He figured he would disappear into the night as Eliza and Angelica had but instead as Alex sat on a bench in the park writing his observations down, a flash of blue caught his eye in the sea of mostly black. He looked over only to see Burr there in the park.
He was bent down across the way petting an elderly couples' Saint Bernard. He was talking with them and grinning, his blue collar turned up against the slightly chilled breeze. The hue reminded him of their uniforms during the war. He had seen Burr smile a lot but this smile was different, it was genuine. He rarely saw that from him unless he was speaking of his Theodosias. He thought it looked good on him then and it looked even better now. It was a smile that invited others in, drew them to him. Despite the smile, that skill was not something Burr was overly famous for but perhaps he had lived a simpler, happier, ideal life this time around. Maybe without Alex's presence Burr had managed to thrive. Perhaps his circumstances in life were wholly different just like Alex's but he was here in the flesh, randomly at the same place he was. What were the odds of that? It would be foolish to overlook such an opportunity but Alex had never disavowed foolishness, not in this lifetime at least. He quickly and quietly put his journal away and walked out of the park.
He saw Burr the next day as he was walking down the street. He was walking his way and Alex ducked into an alleyway to avoid him.
He saw him the next day at the grocery store. He abandoned his cart and vacated the store before Burr could notice him.
He saw him the next day as well and at that point avoiding Burr seemed ridiculous. Is this not what a part of him craved? A true remnant of his past? He had Mulligan but the man just thought him a lonely drunk.
And are you perceived any differently by Burr? His mind asked.
No, not really. It seemed Burr lived in this area and Alex needed a break from it anyway and so that night he packed a small bag, got on a train and resolved to spend time with his parents. He hadn't seen them in some time and if it was familiarity he craved, he could get it with them.
As soon as he walked through the door his mother began doting on him.
"You are too thin, mijo. How have you been eating? How much have you been drinking? Did you cut back like I told you to? Ay, you're almost skin and bones. I'll make something for you right now, mi bebe lindo. Get some meat on those bones and something warm in your stomach." His mother's rambling distantly reminded him of his nervous, high-strung rants from centuries ago but the doting and fussing were uniquely her own and Alex had missed that.
"Let the boy breath, Janelle." His father said, watching his mother flutter around him.
"Hush, Diego, I'll baby him all I want." She replied, proceeding to press a multitude of kisses all over his face drawing a laugh from him.
"There he is." His father commented. And yes, he was his father no matter what once was.
"There's my baby." His mom brushed his hair back from his face and he felt warmth fill his chest, warmth he hadn't felt for much too long. He shouldn't have stayed away from home so long.
He went back to his neighborhood with a heart that was not as heavy as when he left. His past life hadn't influenced his feelings for his parents once. He remembered but that was his life then and this was his life now. The ache he felt in his chest when he was scrolling through his Twitterfeed and saw news that Eliza and John, (no, not Eliza and John; they were Lily and Joshua now) were expecting their first child was still very visceral but also dulled compared to the pain he felt looking at their wedding photo. That was life then and this was now. He still frequented Mulligan's bar but now it was because he had managed to talk him into giving him a job. Before, Alex got money from photos he had taken and sold to newspapers. Sometimes he wrote under pseudonyms and got cash that way but it wasn't a steady cash flow. Mulligan was reluctant at first but Alex's ideas to improve the bar interested him and so he took him on under a probationary period. He actually managed to talk to Mulligan now. No, his name wasn't Hercules Mulligan, it was Henry Fields. He needed to remember that. They made less awkward small talk now and worked well together. After a fashion, Henry even entrusted the bar to Alex to operate by himself.
It was one such night when Alex was stood behind the bar; wiping the counter down on a slow Tuesday night that he encountered Aaron... Jones, not Burr, though the lack of change in his first name helped infinitely.
"Well, well, well look who it is. The owner actually trusts you behind the bar surrounded by all that liquor?" Alex looked up to see Jefferson or whatever his name was leering at him maliciously from across the bar.
"Are you sure you're not too tempted to drink this place dry, wino?" Before he could respond Burr... Jones... Aaron called after him.
"Devin, get over here!"
"Oh, Daddy's calling." Alex responded. Even though he knew Jefferson wouldn't catch the reference, the flare in his eyes was enough. He wondered if Angelica would commend him for getting this small bit of satisfaction. He looked back to his work, resolving to focus, when a voice cut through his concentration.
"Pint of John Adams, if you please." His eyes fluttered up to see Aaron sitting at the bar, a genial smile on his face.
"You sure that's the route you wanna go?"
"What do you mean?"
"Anything's better than John Adams." That was probably more of an opinion on the man than the beer but Alex wouldn't take his words back. Aaron laughed lightly in response.
"Okay, surprise me." Alex topped off a mug of beer before turning back to Aaron.
"On the house. Think of it as a gesture of apology for punching you."
"So you remember that?"
"I wasn't quite myself that night. I apologize for you bearing the brunt of that." Alex had recently fallen into distinguishing himself from Alexander, as much as that was possible anyway. It was hard to parcel out Alexander's feelings and motivations from his own but that was definitely Hamilton's anger not his.
"Happens to the best of us. Thanks for the beer." Aaron got up to walk away but Alex stopped him. A feeling he didn't quite understand or like welled in his chest at the idea of Aaron walking away from him. Never mind Alex had been running away from him for a week.
"If you want, I can make it up to you in other ways."
"Oh really?"
"I'm not drunk now. Are you?"
"Not nearly but I still don't know your name."
"It's Alex Rivera. What do you say, Mr. Jones, sir?" Not quite the same ring to it but Alex was suddenly reminded of the song 'Me and Mrs. Jones' but then he thought about Maria and decided it was best to hop off that train before it left the station.
"Don't you have a job to do?"
"Last call is in half an hour, if you can wait."
"If you're lucky." Aaron replied with a sly smile.
Alex turned out to be very lucky.
Aaron's lips were softer than he remembered from their drunken encounter and they were warm on top of that. His body was mercifully solid and hot and tight around him and under him in a way little else was nowadays. He could feel both parts of his soul stirring as their bodies slid against each other's, both parts devolving into complicated balls of yearning and longing. The feelings were so amplified it scared him. He wasn't sure where Alexander's desires ended and where Alex's began. Maybe they were one and the same, but then that would mean Alexander admitting he had ever wanted Aaron at all and Alex would have to rummage through his own muddled feelings. It was enough to keep Alex awake all night while Aaron lay next to him asleep. The sun was rising now and gleaming off of Aaron's skin. Alex could remember the first time Alexander met Aaron Burr as he stood leaning against a building silhouetted against the sunlight. He had thought he was beautiful then. It was the very reason he approached the man, he hoped against hope that he was Aaron Burr because he felt desire stoked in his gut. The desire was even stronger now that he lay next to him naked, knowing what fulfilling that desire felt like.
But this was Aaron Burr.
No, he's not. Calm down, Alex. He said to himself.
But he couldn't. How could he do this? He felt the same shame that he felt after his trysts with Maria well up in him now. He needed to leave.
He was gone before the other man woke.
He found himself doing all he could to avoid running back into Aaron again. Aaron didn't come back into the bar after that. He hadn't seen him around the neighborhood but he was still on edge. He would be visiting his parents today and so that would take some edge off at least.
He was once again welcomed with loving arms by his mother.
"Your father's working with a colleague in his office. He'll show up eventually." Alex nodded. His father often brought work home with him as he owned a successful law firm. He helped his mother cook dinner and clean, idly updating her on his life though he carefully left some things out. He just told her what she needed to know: he got a steady job, he cut back on the alcohol, he was caught up on his bills and no, he had not been on a date recently. He skipped the date with Aaron but that wasn't something she needed to know.
He had just set the table when his father finally showed up. He could hear him before he walked in. He was talking some kind of litigation lingo that Alexander's presence in his mind prompted him to understand where in normal circumstances he would be lost. He looked up as Diego and his colleague entered the room only to nearly drop the plate in his hand.
It was Aaron.
But what...? How...?
The look on Aaron's face spelled confusion as well before he schooled his features.
"Ah, Alex. It's good you're here. Have you met Aaron Jones?"
"We keep meeting." Alex responded, knowing once again they wouldn't get it but indulging the private joke nonetheless.
"Aaron here is one of my most prominent upstarts."
"You flatter me, sir." Aaron said bashfully.
"I don't do so enough." Alex could feel amusement that wasn't entirely his own well up. Back then, Washington refused to give Burr any credit for any good deeds and now he couldn't sing his praises enough.
"Remember the Wilkinson vs Nathan & Bricks case? That was Mr. Jones." Alex looked to him with a new appreciation.
"You helped a lot of people avoid homelessness. They thought of you as a superhero." Alex said, looking Aaron over with interest.
"I'm just a lawyer. Nathan & Bricks were trying to displace hundreds of people so they could turn their apartment building into condominiums rather than repair the building which would've cost less than knocking the place down and building something new. The facts were in my favor. I wasn't a superhero, I just did my job." That reminded him a lot of Burr who dealt in facts and numbers when it came to his cases. He found loopholes and used the law where Alexander was all passion and long-winded declarations.
"What Mr. Jones neglects to say, son, is how he hired men out of his own pocket to begin repairs within the building. How he spent nights on end digging up every shred of evidence and very nearly lost his mind to sleep deprivation over it. How he visited the residents of the building every day to make sure they hadn't lost hope. That's when I knew you wouldn't just be a good lawyer you'd be a great one." Aaron looked down. He would be blushing were his skin lighter. Aaron suddenly looked up at him through his eyelashes.
"Son?"
"Ah yes, Jones this is my son Alex." Aaron raised an eyebrow at him but he just shrugged in response. Anything they needed to talk about wouldn't be talked about here.
"Okay, he's Aaron, he's Alex. Wonderful! Now that everyone's met can we please all sit down to eat because I am starving." Janelle said, herding the men to the table. Alex tried his best to remain calm as the four sat and ate. His parents worked well as buffers between he and Aaron though they didn't know that they were acting as such. Whenever his eyes met Aaron's he felt a jolt of heat course through him as memories, far past and more recent, pulsed through his mind. It made him feel pulled taut, like a chord waiting to snap.
Aaron stayed behind and helped clear the table despite his mother's protests and watched a soccer game with them. If Alex wanted to fantasize he could easily think this was normal, just he and his significant other spending a quiet night at his parents' place but this was anything other than normal and honestly he was freaking out inside.
"Are you staying the night, mijo?" Janelle asked as the night settled and darkness reigned outside.
"I'm gonna head home, Mami. You and Dad can have some alone time." He replied winking at her.
"Oh, stop it." She swatted at his arm playfully with a large grin on her face before helping him into his jacket. He didn't fight her fussing and babying, it would've been a futile effort anyway.
"I don't like you being on the trains so late. You'll text me when you get home, yes?"
"Mami, I'm a grown man. I'll be fine."
"Being a grown man won't help you much against a gun." She retorted. She was such a worrier.
"Aaron drove here; I'm going to ask him if he wouldn't mind dropping you off at home." Alex felt panic seize him but before he could stop her, his mother was already out of the room. He ran after her towards his father's office. Aaron looked up at him as he came up behind his mother.
"So you need a ride, huh?" Alex tried very hard not to think of that in any terms other than what Aaron intended. His sentence was perfectly innocent; he did not need his depraved mind spiraling into debauched imaginings.
"I don't need one." Alex answered but his mother elbowed him discreetly.
"But I would be grateful if you could give me one."
"I don't mind." He said with a shrug.
"It's settled then." Diego said with a nod.
And so Alex found himself sitting tensely in the passenger seat as Aaron made the drive from Diego and Janelle's place in the Bronx to Alex and Aaron's area in Brooklyn. Alex tried to avoid looking out of the corner of his eyes at Aaron. He did not know what to say to him and the air between them was charged and heavy with things unsaid. If he were fully Alexander he would probably be rambling in order to fill the silence until Burr cut him off but now Aaron was staring straight ahead and silently drove them to their separate homes. Alex did not need to talk as much as Alexander did but he was compelled to speak now, if only to get it over with.
"So, you're a pretty good singer, a lawyer with a heart and not so bad in bed. Is there anything you can't do?" Alex said, trying to keep an air of levity to his voice.
"Yeah, I can do a whole lot. Not warrant much more than a one night stand apparently but a lot of things." Alex looked down and away at that. He knew he was wrong for running off without so much of a word or even a note.
"I'm sorry. I was... I just... It's complicated but it was nothing you did. Everything you did was... you didn't do anything wrong, trust me. You were... amazing." Alex peeked from the corner of his eyes and could see Aaron was shifting in his seat.
"Well, thank you." Abashment was clear in his voice. He had nothing to be embarrassed about.
"Honestly though, for lack of better phrasing, it was me not you." And that was the truth, it was Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton and even Alex himself, it was nothing to do with Aaron Jones who wasn't Burr so he could not fault him, despite the punch the first time they met.
"Hey, it's alright. I met a guy in a bar and we had sex. I don't know exactly what other result I was expecting. Though I did not expect you to end up being my boss' son. If anyone were to find out about this my very reputation would be in question, sir." Aaron responded, his voice now holding more teasing in it. Burr had never called Alexander 'sir' before, he quite liked it.
"Well, we wouldn't want your name to be tarnished. You're a modern day Superman."
"I'm really not."
"So you say. My dad doesn't go extolling compliments so easily. If he thinks you're special, then you're special."
"Sweet talker."
"Habitually. You've met my parents so you know where I got it from." Aaron shook his head, a chuckle falling from his lips. Alex felt some sense of accomplishment at that.
He looked down once more, his eyes reflexively going to his watchless wrist. Sometimes the side of him that was Alexander yearned to keep track of time; he would surely run out of it eventually. Alex had misplaced it somewhere and couldn't figure out where he'd lost it.
"Misplace something?" Aaron asked.
"My watch. I keep looking at my wrist expecting it to be there."
"It wouldn't happen to be the watch sitting on my nightstand, would it? Silver face, brown band, right? You must've left it in your haste last time. You can come up and get it." Alex involuntarily tensed up at that, his mind replaying vivid images of what happened the last time he was in Aaron's apartment.
"Or I can bring it down for you instead." Alex looked to Aaron to see he tensed up as a result of Alex's demeanor. Shame filled Alex, he had hardly spent time with this man but in that limited time he had punched him, avoided him like the plague, left him high and dry and made him feel like shit. What the hell was wrong with him?
"No, I don't want to put you out. I'll come up for it."
"It's fine really. I'm supposed to drop you off at home. I'll run up, grab the watch and come back down." His voice left no room for argument and so Alex didn't. When they reached Aaron's place he ran up and grabbed Alex's watch like he said he would and then the drive was right back to being tensed silence. It remained so, Alex only speaking to direct Aaron when needed to his apartment building. They pulled up and Aaron nodded politely at him.
"You have a good night, Alex." His tone was terribly neutral. It reminded him so much of Aaron Burr's tone, the one that infuriated him and drove him to try to get a reaction out of him. But no that hadn't been him, that was Alexander or it was both of them? It was all so confusing but Alex felt the need to level with Aaron. They would doubtless see each other again, they couldn't avoid contact forever, nor did Alex want to frankly.
"I'm an asshole." Alex said plainly.
"…okay."
"I'm a piping hot mess and I dragged you into my mess and it's not fair to you at all. That first night I saw you, I punched you because you reminded me of someone and then that night in your apartment you reminded me of him again."
"I'm assuming it didn't end well." Alex chuckled humorlessly at that.
"No, it did not but before that it was… we were… he was… you know, I don't know. Maybe we could've been better. Maybe I wanted more than I was willing to admit then. Maybe that was part of the reason we tried so hard to destroy each other. I wanted a second chance and it's wrong to use you to do that. I'm pulling you all over the place in order to figure out my own emotional shit. I'm an asshole and I'm sorry. I'll do my best to stay out of your way if that's what you want. You can forget you ever got tangled up with me and my messes."
"I could do that, yes, but that's not what I'm going to do."
"What?"
"We can get a coffee someday if you like. We can get to know each other and I will not be your second chance, we'll just be us and maybe it will become something. Maybe we'll just be friends, maybe more than that, but that's something we'll explore then. Is that agreeable?" Alex stared at Aaron wide eyed but he snapped out of it enough to answer.
"Yes, it's more than agreeable."
"Good. Give me your number and I'll text you so you can have mine and we'll arrange a date."
"I… yes, of course." They quickly made the transaction and Alex numbly walked out of Aaron's car before turning back towards him.
"I did mean it Alex, have a good night."
"And you as well." Aaron nodded before peeling off. Alex watched him turn the corner and stared after him for perhaps too long before a wide smile broke out onto his face.
They had coffee the next day. It went well enough that Alex felt comfortable asking if they could meet again.
They met the next day over breakfast and talked about themselves over coffee and eggs. He learned more about this Aaron in two days than perhaps he had about Aaron Burr in all the time he'd known him. And that just a part of the problem that Alex now had the chance to fix. And fix it he would.
He and Aaron began to meet up for morning jogs and it became routine for them to run together and then grab breakfast. Alex quite enjoyed it even if he wasn't much of a runner, if only to see Aaron sweat. His ass filled out his pants nicely though Alex wouldn't say so.
"Damn pants keep riding down."
"You fill it out well enough, in my opinion." Okay, he would say so but Aaron had just shook his head and rolled his eyes so it didn't really count?
Aaron and his buddies, some of whom Alex figured out were his father's employees, began to frequent the bar. He didn't mind Aaron's friends; he even liked talking with some of them. He managed to not punch Jefferson and actually got along with Madison. Alexander had gotten along with him prior to him jumping ship the moment Jefferson returned from whatever the hell he did in Monticello.
Aaron was happy that Alex seemed to at least tolerate people besides him, Henry was happy no one was throwing punches in his bar and Alex was happy to have Aaron around. He really was different from Burr in the way that he seemed happier and more outgoing. However, he still had a calm, cool, levelheadedness about him that Alex, who had spent his life willfully isolated and not as centered around death as Alexander, could appreciate. Especially considering that he was a lot less likely to hold as much to chest as he did before. Thus, they could speak freely with each other more than Alexander and Burr had.
"Yo lush, you gonna pass me a drink or what?" Jefferson asked Alex as he manned the bar momentarily. He was more so on waiter duty lately as Henry had recently bought a grill and expanded the menu but he was currently dealing with some crisis their cook had so Alex was pulled to bar-tending and having to deal with Jefferson with no escape unfortunately.
"You going to tell me what you want or am I going to have to miraculously develop mind reading abilities?"
"Just get me a whiskey on the rocks and try not to drink it on your way back over." Alex had long since cut back on the booze but Jefferson still found any and every way to make a dig at him and imply he was an alcoholic. Alexander bristled inside at the thought of taking orders from Jefferson but he reigned in his emotions and instead of going off simply commented,
"Keep throwing your attitude at me and I'll add something special to your drink." Jefferson simply gave him an eyebrow raise and Alex went about making the drink before slamming it before the man.
"Well, would you like at that? Progress. You gonna tell the folks at your AA meeting about this?" Alex was about to bite off a scathing retort when he was cut off.
"Devin, stop bothering him." Madison said, strolling over.
"Why? It's fun."
"It's childish and your girlfriend's waiting for you so..." Jefferson rolled his eyes but still retreated.
"Thanks." Alex said grudgingly. Madison shrugged before looking him over with an intense gaze that made him squirm.
"What?"
"Just trying to figure you out."
"Why?" Madison continued his look over silently before he abruptly looked away.
"If you asked Aaron out, he'd probably say yes… probably."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I know him and he likes you. Whether or not you deserve him remains to be seen, but that's up to Aaron to decide."
"Look, it's complicated. I'm trying to uncomplicate it for him."
"We all already know you're Diego's son and we've seen Aaron in action enough to know he was hired through his merits and not an association with you. Besides, ignoring any amorous connection with him won't truly help. Rumors only grow and second chances are hard to come by, Hamilton." Alex's eyes widened at that.
Did he remember? Well, he had to remember if he used that name.
"Madison, is it you?" The man smiled lightly at him.
"Aaron is one of my best friends and he deserves more than he's gotten. If through, an albeit skewed, grand design that happiness for him lies with you then I want him to find it. As for the other thing, well we both know what we know and for the time being I don't see why anyone else needs to be involved." Madison pushed off the barstool as Alex stared after him gobsmacked.
"Ask Aaron out, he'll say yes." Alex's eyes followed the man as he retreated but his mind was in too much of a whirl. He needed to breathe and so as soon as Henry returned, Alex retreated to the front outside for a breather. He was alone for maybe five minutes before a voice cut through his musings.
"Hey, I saw Devin and Curtis were talking to you. I hope they weren't bothering you much."
Alex looked at Aaron with blank confusion for a moment.
Devin and Curtis? Who...? Right, Jefferson and Madison.
"No, it was fine. I mean, Devin was an asshole but it was whatever." When was Jefferson not an asshole, no matter the era?
"Curtis said something interesting though."
"What was that?"
"He said that if I were to ask you out on a date, that you would probably say yes."
"Did he now?" Aaron stated with an indecipherable look.
Suddenly Alex was aware of the fact that his palms were sweaty, his shirt felt too tight and his foot was tapping restlessly. He was nervous, he realized. Funny, he wasn't as nervous when he was proposing sex with Aaron rather than a date but then the first time wasn't entirely Alex. He wanted Aaron then but Alexander had wanted him more. Hamilton was a, sometimes volatile, well of mismatched emotions especially when faced with the man he half-loathed, half-longed for.
His first friend and his enemy.
Alexander was a strong personality all on his own, despite the fact he was made of memory more than anything else, but occasionally he felt so strongly that Alex could do little more than move along with Hamilton's nonstop, relentless pace.
This wasn't one of those times.
Alexander lingered in the back of his mind, a quiet cheerleader in Alex's endeavors or a champion waiting to take over should Alex need it but the longing and nervousness, the skips in his heartbeat when Aaron laughed, the way he was able to completely garner all of Alex's attention and leave him never wanting to focus on anything else. The fact that he wondered what it would be like to once again press his lips to Aaron's and feel him kiss him back, wrap his arms around him and pull him close; those musings, those feelings, that was all Alex. That was more terrifying than anything else and Aaron was staring at him not saying anything. What was Alex supposed to say?
"I mean, that's what he said. I don't... He doesn't know our full history and you know, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I mean, I know you forgave me or, well, you didn't forgive me so much as you pardoned me which is more than I deserve even. I just... I don't want to hurt you any more, so I'm obviously... I say all this to say that I..." Alex trailed off because he wasn't quite sure how to end that sentence. He didn't want to lie to him but saying or even implying he didn't want anything but friendship with Aaron would be a lie.
"In all that rambling just now, I didn't hear one invitation." Alex looked over at him quickly, wondering if he was joking but no, Aaron wasn't that cruel, he wouldn't tell him to ask just to reject him.
"Will you go on a date with me?"
"Only because you asked so nicely. But next time, don't let my friends have to harass you into it." Alex did nothing but nod dumbly before he stopped breathing altogether as Aaron suddenly moved forward and pressed his lips to Alex. He just began to kiss him back when he pulled away.
Alex stared at him, his mouth was probably hanging open and he was staring openly. Aaron seemed like he was about to say something but the door opened behind him and a redhead with freckles and a darker skinned woman with dreadlocks poked their heads out.
"Jones, come inside and sing with us. We're doing Fleetwood Mac and we need a Lindsey."
"I'll be right there." The women looked between them before slinking back into the bar. Alex figured the rest of Aaron's friends would know about this by the time they got inside.
"Just text or call me and we'll set the day." Aaron said, turning to return to the bar but Alex could feel a stirring inside of him that seemed suspiciously like Alexander. He didn't like being outdone or one-upped, least of all by Aaron, but it wasn't Alexander taking over, it was just a nudge really. A nudge that pushed him to call out to Aaron and grab his hand.
Aaron looked back at him curiously. Alex thought to say something before realizing he had nothing to say and would much rather just act. He pulled Aaron close to him and initiated another kiss. This was not as soft as the one Aaron gave him, didn't have quite the same finesse. Alex was off balance and perhaps too desperate, showing too much of himself, but that didn't stop him from forcibly drowning himself in Aaron. His lips were soft and just the right side of warm. The alcohol on his breath was mixed with peppermint and his breathing stopped and stuttered while he wrapped his arms around Alex's neck and pulled him closer. Alex willingly went, snaking his arms around Aaron's waist to pull their bodies flush against each other. Aaron moaned slightly at the heat their bodies generated and then gasped when Alex's hand found itself under his shirt, brushing idly against his chest and then moving to his back. Alex kissed him deeply for a few more seconds before pulling away from him completely. Aaron looked flushed and dazed, his pupils were blown wider than normal and he was staring at Alex like he was some enigma he couldn't figure out.
"What was that?" He asked. His voice was an octave lower and Alex couldn't help but admit that it did things for him.
"Me expressing my excitement for our date." Aaron looked ready to say something but ultimately didn't.
"I've got to get back to work and you've got Fleetwood Mac to sing." Aaron was staring at his lips. Alex gave in slightly and pressed a small, chaste kiss to his lips once more before pulling him through the door. Aaron squeezed his hand before walking away to his friends and Alex retreated to the bar. Henry was shaking his head as he approached him.
"How do you go from punching a man to making heart eyes at him?"
"Guess I just got skills like that."
Henry spent the rest of the night randomly scoffing and shaking his head in Alex's direction.
Dating Aaron was easy. It was possibly one of the easiest and most fulfilling things Alex had ever done in his life. Not much changed in how they operated. They still met up in the mornings for jogging and breakfast, they still texted throughout the day and called each other and Aaron would still visit the bar with his friends. The only differences were that now Alex didn't have to hide it when he was checking him out, they kissed now and hugged and we're just more tactile with each other in general, but overall the transition was easy and Alex was happy. Aaron seemed happy as well and everyone was happy for them, so of course it wouldn't last.
It was months down the line, Alex had just returned to Aaron's place after running out for some milk as Aaron had none and Alex needed it for the meal he was preparing. They didn't live together but Alex had a key to Aaron's place and vice versa. He opened the door and entered the apartment half-absentmindedly, before a voice made him jump.
"Alexander." He turned and looked into the living room, Aaron was sitting in a chair half-covered by shadows. Alex smiled at him as he pulled off his jacket and toed off his shoes.
"Hey, you're home early. I didn't even notice you." He made his way to the kitchen and went about continuing the meal he was preparing. He just knew Aaron would like it.
"How was work? Is that case you're obsessing over going well? I bet it is, you know you worry for no reason."
"Alexander." Alex glanced behind him to see Aaron was now standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. He was staring at Alex with a dark expression.
"Don't tell me it's going badly. You don't need to doubt yourself, you know you can do this." Alex continued, throwing a dishtowel over his shoulder and stirring in the milk into the pot of boiling food.
"Alexander." Aaron grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around roughly.
"What is it?" Alex asked with confusion. Aaron had a look on his face he hadn't seen before, not from him anyway. It was a look of anger, desperation, loathing, confusion and something softer but edgier all rolled up into one. He was staring at Alex intensely and he had...
Wait…
"What did you call me?"
"I called you by your name. Your true name, Alexander."
"That's not my name, you know that."
"Don't lie to me, Hamilton."
"I'm not. My name is Alex Rivera. I don't know what you're talking about, Aaron."
"Don't give me that bull, you know what I'm talking about."
"You're frightening me. I think you're just stressed from your case. Just sit down and I'll cook you something and it'll be fine. I'll just—"
"Stop lying to me!" Alex jumped as Aaron raised his voice at him.
"Aaron—"
"You're a liar, you're a fake. I can't stand the sight of you, you worthless, arrogant bastard." Aaron pushed him back into the stove and Alex jumped at the heat from it.
"Aaron, stop."
"You lied to me!" He pushed him again and Alex could feel the heat digging into his back, searing at his flesh, but Aaron held him strong against the stove.
"Aaron, stop! Let me go!"
"Liar! Worthless, filthy liar!"
"Aaron! Stop!"
Alex jolted awake suddenly, bolting up in bed. He stared around the dark room in slight confusion before he came back to himself.
A dream. It was all just a dream.
"Alex..." Aaron mumbled next to him. He looked down at his bedmate to see him slowly blinking his eyes open and looking up at him.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine. Just had a bad dream." Aaron pulled him to lay back down next to him and rested his head on Alex's chest, his arm stretched across him to hold him close.
"Everything's fine, don't worry about it. S'just a dream." Aaron reassured him through his own sleepy haze.
Alex knew it was a dream but how long would it stay that way? How much worse was he making it for them both by letting this lie by omission continue to persist?
"I need to tell him." Alex said in lieu of a greeting as Madison opened the door. He pushed into the man's apartment and immediately began to pace around the living room.
"Hello, Hamilton. Hello, Madison, how are you this evening? Things are going well, and yourself? Just fine."
"I don't have time for this, I need your help. I'm freaking out!"
"And why should that be my problem?"
"Aaron is your friend."
"He's your boyfriend. The fact that you're not telling him what's what hardly has to do with me."
"You're the one who told me not to tell him!"
"Since when did I become your puppet master? If you haven't told Aaron then it's on you, not me."
"You're lying to him too." Madison shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal.
"Yes, but you twos' relationship is infinitely more complicated and fragile than ours is. Ah, but then there's your reason, isn't it?"
"What?"
"You're afraid."
"I'm not." Alex said, it didn't even sound believable to his own ears.
"I can understand why. I mean, Aaron did kill you last time."
"That's not why."
"So, you admit you're afraid?" Alex kissed his teeth as he realized he had played into Madison's hand.
"I like this version of you. It's a lot easier to give you the run around and actually win in a conversation against you." Madison threw out offhand. Alexander reared his head, ready to go on a tirade but Alex pushed him down. Now wasn't the time.
"Look, I need help or advice or something. How am I supposed to tell him without sounding crazy? And if he does believe me what if..."
"What if he leaves you?" Alex didn't answer but his silence was answer enough. Madison shrugged once more.
"He might. Hell if I know." Alex glared at the man across from him.
"You're not helping."
"Not my job to. If you're going to tell him, tell him sooner rather than later. If you're not going to tell him, then that's your choice and it's your job to deal with it and any consequences either decision brings you." Alex did not remember Madison being this difficult but he had said nothing short of the truth. If he was going to tell the truth he needed to just tell him and let the chips fall where they may.
Alex walked into Aaron's apartment and was immediately taken by the sight of him sitting on the couch in the living room half-shrouded in shadows. The scene was eerily, disconcertingly similar to his dream and Alex had to swallow as he approached Aaron.
"Hey." Aaron jumped slightly and looked up at him. He looked slightly dazed and confused.
"Hey, I didn't hear you come in."
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just thinking about work." Alex felt that wasn't all there was to it but decided to not stall.
"I wanted to talk to you." Aaron raised his eyebrow inquiringly.
"Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong per say. I just… I haven't been completely truthful with you and I can't keep this from you any longer." Alex said, kneeling in front of Aaron and holding one of his hands in his.
"Okay…"
"This is going to sound crazy, so I need you to hear me out."
Alex watched Aaron's face as he spilled everything to him. He explained their past in excruciating detail, he did not restrain himself. Aaron looked at him with various levels of disbelief and horror.
"I shot you and killed you."
"Things spiraled out of control. I meant to tell you, I'm so sorry."
"I shot you and killed you and you're apologizing to me?" Alex did not have much of a response to that.
"I know this all seems insane but everything is so different now and I am so happy with you. I don't want that past to hold us back."
"You really believe this? You believe that in a past life, we were a bunch of revolutionary abolitionists?"
"Well, you weren't so keen to throw that out for public knowledge, but you did fight against British rule with us so…" Aaron looked away from him and Alex sighed.
"I know, you think I'm crazy—"
"No, no, I'm just… I… I've been having these dreams lately and I wasn't able to make sense of it all but if what you say is real and our history truly does go back in such a fashion, If I truly did kill you, why are you with me? I mean, it makes sense now why you punched me. I wouldn't be nearly as forgiving as you've seemed to be towards me, Alex. It doesn't make sense." Aaron was staring at him imploringly, desperate for an answer.
"Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, you did no such thing to me. They're not us, they're just a part of us that, while they may have had a hand in shaping us, are not the whole of us. Alexander's feelings for his Aaron are not the same as mine for you. I know that I… I love you. Perhaps that did start as an extension of Alexander's feelings but I'm with you, no one else. I know it's all very confusing but—" Alex stopped talking as Aaron abruptly pulled him into a hug. Alex stayed still in confusion before he was startled to realize Aaron's shoulders were shaking.
"Aaron?"
"I'm so sorry, Alexander." Aaron's voice was heavy with tears as he clung onto him tightly. Alex sighed and wrapped his arms around Aaron's waist.
"It's okay. I forgive you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Aaron repeated over and over again. Alex just held him, accepting every apology as it fell from his lips. He was slightly startled to realize he wasn't sure whether it was Burr or Jones or both but Aaron was Aaron and either way he loved him.
He loved him.
"Aaron, it's alright. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Alex said, pulling back slightly and pressing his forehead to Aaron's.
"I—I don't know what's going on. I'm feeling all these things that I… I don't…"
"Shh, it's okay. I understand. We'll get through this. We'll do this together. I won't leave."
Alex wasn't sure if he had done the right thing, if this would come back and blow up in his face, if ultimately Aaron would leave him, if he'd done more harm than good but however things did turn out, he knew where he wanted to be and who he wanted to be with.