I do not own Bleach or any of these characters! If they were they would run screaming from the hilarious situations i place them in and the twisted things I have planned BWAAA HAA
This is all for fun please enjoy a random thought that popped into my
Ch 1: Split Personality
'If I was violent person, kittens with heat seeking missile eyes would be targeting him right now!.' Her mind whispered as the kittens with red glowing eyes converged upon a frighten Urahara, their deadly cuteness delivering vengeance with a big boom. 'The last thing he would hear would be their cute meows of peril!' Orihime tensed her fingers into a villainous claw as she cackled evilly, thinking how only Urahara's hat charred from the blast, would float down limply from the sky.
She gave a huff as her stomach cramped, the feeling of a full bladder weighing heavily on her 'How am I gonna do this?' she wailed as she whirled upon the mirror, bracing strong hands around its edge, the dimly light bathroom coating her in grey shadows as intense emerald eyes looked back at her, inky black hair brushing against the collar and a familiar grimace reflected in the mirror's surface. 'I am in Ulquiorra's body and It needs to pee!'
How did this happen? She leaned heavily on the mirror as she recalled the events of not two hours prior, a moment that sealed Urahara's furry death.
The night air ghosted across her skin arousing her flesh to pebble as she walked with a bounce to her step and a skip and a twirl, her mind making up a dance routine as she day dreamed her way to Urahara Shoten, she received an odd message requesting her attention. The blood red words splatter across her living room wall was reminiscent of her summons to Rukia's rescue. She giggled as she was once again reminded she has no sense of humor, though she did find it odd how Urahara was already calling on her. She was to be resting from the nightmare that was Hueco Mundo, even thinking that name would trace shivers down her spin; that name was enough to bring her upbeat footfalls to leaden and heavy steps, no longer was she performing her own choreography, she simply walked with the memories of her time there pressing down upon her like a weight. She wasn't ready to face her own weakness in the events, the repercussions of her choiced rippled like waves in a pond affecting everything in it's path, including her friends and especially Kurosaki-kun. How many times did he die before she was rescued, how many times did he push himself beyond his limits, and all for her, all for a friend. She became the damsel in distress without true conviction to the role, she couldn't accept that she brought upon so much misery with her single choice believing it to be the saving grace for her friends but instead it sentenced them to wounds and brutality. A heavy sigh permitted the air as she stood stock still before the store, feeling the crisp burn of cold air seattle in her nose, chilling the moisture on her lips, even her eyes felt the prickle as unshed tears welled in the corners. 'No' She growled in her mind as she snapped her eyes shut 'I will not cry, that moment was a turning point I will become stronger!' relieving herself of all the dark emotions boiling within her she opened her eyes to find distant emerald eyes boring into her own.
"Onna, why do you ha-?"
The scream that cut Ulquiorra's question short was piercing, as the frightened women stumbled arms flailing out in wide arcs before landing on her rump with a loud crunch, He merely lifted his eyebrow but a hair's width from its stern position, as he watched her regain but a modicum of her composure, her small hand snaking into a back pocket to retrieve fine crumbles flecked across her smooth fingers.
"My cookies!" she let out a lone suffering wail which pricked at his ears, first her shriek and now her annoying wailing had his temples throbbing, he tapped his fingers within the confines of his pockets to focus his attention elsewhere, this women was barely in his presence for but a minute and already he felt ready to crush his own skull.
Orihime looked up at the blank mask of a face belonging to the quatro arrancar, he was silent as the dead and with those eerie green eyes that reminded her of dull crayons trained on her she felt unease slip in, it wormed its way into her heart as she looked away bemoaning her late night snack of peanut butter, celery and banana cookies. She felt so much pride in her new recipe that she couldn't help but pack them around to offer to her less enthused friends or to stuff the rejected treats into her mouth to savor. 'You have served your purpose now rest my beautiful creation you have earned it' she sent a prayer up to the heavens for the lost lives of her fallen cookies.
"-round forever." Ulquiorra's clipped voice finally broke through to the prone women, looking at the crumbs as if they were precious.
"I'm sorry Ulquiorra, could you repeat that" She gave him a soft smile as she stood dusting herself off, and with an almost disturbing gentleness did she flick the crumbs off into the air, almost like a fond farewell.
He felt the first spark of irritation arise, just being around this women a few moments was already taxing, he needed what the humans called 'Advil' as a headache bore down upon him.
"Onna you test my patience." He replied, his soft montone holding a subtle edge.
She gave a sigh as she looked upon his stiff form, it was odd seeing him in his gigai, no memory of green tears staining his cheeks, no piece of his bone helmet caress his silk black hair, and not a trace of his hollow hole that occupied the space between his clavicle. If she was a gambling women, Orihime would lay down her last special cookie that if his plain white button up shirt were to open and flare out, revealing his bare sculpted chest there would be no shadow of his tattooed four resting upon his pectoral. A small blush crawled across her cheeks at the thought of Ulquiorra's shirt opening up in a dramatic flair to showcase the toned muscles of his chest and abdomen. She slapped her hands to her cheeks becoming caught up in the moment.
"Onna" The single word held a warning of thinning patience as his cold voice finally broke through Orihime's lucid imaginings. 'Where is my head tonight' She mused as she met that cold glare that had her stomach twisting in painful knots.
"Sorry." She whispered, flinching as he turned on his heel in a brisk manner, leading the way to the back door of Shoten.
"There is no need to say sorry, you are to simply stop what drivel that distracts you from responding.."
Orihime steadied an annoyed glare upon his shoulders as she followed him, long gone was that spark of humanity that he showed ever so briefly, she could still remember his outstretched hand, cool fingertips meeting hers and a burst of spiritual energy flooding her veins. The sound of rusty hinges grated upon her eardrums drawing her away from distant musings, Ulquiorra was heading through the door to the back room with assured strides never once confirming if she was following him, just arrogantly assuming she was. She huffed as the floorboards creaked and groaned beneath her feet, small tremors of fear skated across her skin. The back room hallway was void of all light just an ominous black that was swallowing her bit by bit as she trailed after a man, no a demon in disguise that made no sound as his shiny black shoes stepped upon the floor, unlike her with each movement sounding like the call of flesh eating zombies rising from the ground, moaning for the taste of brains. She whimpered as she practically broke out into a run, her own imagination turning against her as she finally found the pale glow of Ulquiorra's shirt, He gave a sidelong look that did nothing to calm her creeped out nerves.
Ulquiorra followed the familiar path to the final door, Urahara had a weird niche to build and add new rooms and compartments to the deceivingly small building. 'It's bigger on the inside.' Is what the eccentric man claimed as a new show seemed to inspire these random additions. Living under such a man made him explore the new levels of irritation that became present after entering his gigai, no longer were his emotions muted they flared to life burning away the curiosity of humanity, instead it fanned the flames of annoyance earning most human beings the title of trash in his eyes. He felt a sense of gratitude towards both Urahara and the Onna, his life was spared and given new meaning, but a part of him still longed to receive orders from Lord Aizen. He was adrift in a world he knew little of, and no experience with the turbulent roll of emotions, he learned to identify most of what he feels commonly being irritation, annoyance and disgust. Revulsion was becoming his new favorite word to describe the menial task of cleaning the bathrooms and sweeping the front deck, he was repulsed by such undertakings. Ulquiorra was once a powerful hollow, ranked number four under Lord Aizen and now he was reduced to a prison of flesh and to clean up after rotten children that littered the front yard of the store.
"Hey Ulquiorra, do you know why Mr. Urahara might have summoned me?" Her gentle voice filled the tense silence, He gave her a side glance in response his cold emerald eyes revealing nothing but boredom, He felt rather than heard her frustrated sigh as He opened the door, it groaned in protest eliciting a small squeak of fear from the women, he almost wanted to roll his eyes at her response... almost.
As he opened the door he was graced by the sight of Urahara waving his signature fan at the glowing television, as he sat on the edge of a stiff wooden chair.
"Nooo, don't go through that portal." Urahara's voice was frantic as it begged the actress on the scene to heed his warnings, With an inaudible growl that lodged itself in Ulquiorra's throat he walked promptly to the outlet and wretched the power cable out of its socket silencing whatever dramatic line that was being utter by the shows female lead, the small lamp that stood alone in the corner of the room basked its occupants with faint light, as both tension and a dismal cry blossomed in the air.
"Ulquiorra! Wh-why did you!" With a dramatic gasp "That was the season finale!" Urahara rounded on the pale man, his chair clattering to the ground with a loud echo
"Orihime is here." Was his simple reply as he stared blankly at the almost whimpering mess of a man.
"OH!" With a jovial smile he wrapped an overly friendly arm around her shoulders surprising the women as she stared at him with wide eyes.. " Good evening Orihime, I am grateful for you to come over at such a late hour."
Seeing Urahara's arm upon Orihime sent a sliver of disquiet within Ulquiorra, he didn't let anything show but inside he was slowly boiling from unknown agitation.
"What did you need from me Mr. Urahara?" Orihime asked as she extracted herself from his hold, placing a small distance between her and him as she gave a genuine smile, she was brimming with curiosity. As enjoyable as her mini vacation to recover is, she was becoming bored with the constant new creations she conjured in her kitchen, most being refused by her friends. She was growing weary of her own home, it was becoming a prison of sorts, while everyone else returned to school she was to stay home and sleep, the solitude was becoming too much for her, Tatsuki and many others would visit her, but during school hours she was clawing at the walls for relief. It was suffocating, too reminiscent of her cell in Las Noches. She watched as He slapped that fan once more against his palm and a grin that seemed too big for his face appeared as he reached into his pocket producing two bright blue round candies.
"Why my dear Orihime I needed your expert taste buds to sample a new candy creation I thought up!"
"Mr. Urahara you are a monster!" She whimpered into the mirror, warping that once stoic expression that Ulquiorra wore so proficiently into a pouty mess, His lower lip protruding, with furrowed sight was so bizarre to Orihime, Ulquiorra never once showed any expression other than blank boredom, seeing his face screwed up in a pathetic pout was like seeing the slabs of rock at stonehenge grow arms and legs and do a jig. She released the death grip she had against the wall to poke between the eyebrows of her borrowed body. The stonehenge theory was more believable than the sight of Ulquiorra's face making any other expression besides a blank slate.
"I wanna be in my own body." She whimpered once more pouting once more as tears welled up in the emerald eyes she was borrowing. "...I still need to pee…."
So concludes chapter one, hope you all found it entertaining, in the next chapter lets see how Mr. No expression handles being in a woman's body
Please Review so I know if this story is worth furthering :)