Chapter 1
May 26, 2011 - APOV
Today was my college graduation. But instead of being a good day, it's horrible. Christian forced me to make a decision. I told him I couldn't sign the contract, I don't have it in me to be his submissive. It's not who I am, and it's not what I want. I want...more. I need...more.
The problem is, I have feelings for him. I've developed feelings for him in such a short period of time. Losing my virginity to him meant more to me, it wasn't just fucking, but it was to him. I should have left right then and there when he told me he doesn't make love that he fucks hard. I don't know what I was thinking. I knew I can't change him and in the end I would get hurt. And, he kept his word and broke things off when I told him. That's it. There is no more us.
Ray dropped me off at the apartment after dinner. Kate is still out with her family. I'm alone. I'm completely and utterly alone. Scalding hot tears fall down my cheeks and I start to sob. I lie in my bed and cry into my pillow mourning what was, what could have been. I've never felt this way before. I've never felt so...broken. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe he'll take me back if I agree. But, in my heart of hearts, I know I can't be what he wants. I can't be what he needs.
I look at the clock and it's after midnight. My head is pounding from all the crying, my eyes are puffy, and my nose is running. I pick up my cell phone - my old phone. I gave everything back to Christian. He tried to get me to keep it but I couldn't. I can't have anything to remind me of him. I have no messages or texts. I contemplate calling him. But, what would I say? What is there to say?
Friday morning, my head is killing me and my throat is sore. I walk into the kitchen to make some tea. I turn around and Kate is coming out of her room. "Ana? What happened? Are you OK?" Kate looks worried with concern. She walks up to me and takes my hands. "Ana, talk to me."
I try to stay strong and tell her but I crack. I start to cry again. I didn't think there were any tears left to shed. "Oh, Kate. I broke up with Christian." She hugs me tight and lets me cry on her shoulder. "Ana, I don't understand, if you broke up with him, why are you so upset?"
"We aren't right for each other. It had to be done. But, I've already fallen for him. What if I made a mistake?"
Kate takes my hand and drags me over to the sofa to sit down. We're surrounded by boxes ready for our move to Seattle where I'll be even closer to him. "Ana, I know it hurts but I think this may be for the best. There was something about him that just didn't seem right."
Boy, Kate is good at reading people. If she only knew. "Thank you, Kate. I have to go get ready for work." In the bathroom I try not to cry. I just want to get ready for work and forget about everything.
Gratefully, work is busy and doesn't leave me much time to think. It was my last day and the Clayton's had a little celebration for me. I'll miss working here. I'll miss the simplicity of before… before Christian. I get home and the apartment is dark. Kate is out with Elliot and probably won't be home this weekend. I guess Kate got the "good" brother. I stay in bed pretty much the whole weekend, only getting up to go to the bathroom. I have never felt this despair. I am Charlotte Bronte and Christian is my Constantin Héger.
Monday, I leave to go to Savannah to visit my mom. Hopefully, the next few days in the warmth and sun will help me to feel better. At least I'll be 2,500 miles away from Seattle, and away from Christian. As soon as I see my mom in the airport, all the inner strength I had leaves and I start to cry. Sometimes you just need a hug from your mom. "Anastasia, honey, are you OK?" My mom looks at me worried.
I give her a small smile. "I'm fine mom. Just a lot happened lately and I'm tired."
My mom gives me another hug, "I'm so glad you're here darling." She takes my hand while Bob takes my bag and we head out of the airport to the car. I have a wonderful visit with my mom. I think she's finally found herself and is happy. We spend the next few days sunning ourselves on Tybee Island beach, shopping, and we even went out for drinks at the Olde Pink House where we soaked in the true southern atmosphere with Pink Lady drinks and fried green tomatoes. It was exactly what I needed and I head back home feeling refreshed and renewed.
When I get back to the apartment I am alone since Kate is off in Barbados. Luckily, before I get too settled in Jose calls me and tells me he's staying in Seattle for the summer with friends and asks if I want to go out for drinks. I change quickly and head out to meet him, my only friend right now in Seattle.
I get to the bar and Jose looks great, he always does. He has this huge smile on his face and gives me a great, big bear hug. "Ana, mija, you look so good, sun agrees with you."
He makes me blush, "You ain't so bad yourself, Jose." He laughs and hands me a beer. We find a high table in a corner and take our seats. I fill him in on my trip to Savannah and he fills me in on the latest about his photography show in a few weeks.
I start my job at SIP on Monday so he offers to take me out after as a celebration. We spend the next few hours talking and drinking.