Unrequited
Open Personal Log
[RECORDING]
Personal Log: Entry 2-286
I have been thinking about this for a long time.
The events of the past 27 years or so have changed everything that I found would have been except for one.
When I was marooned on Delta Vega, I had met a man who had called himself Spock, a name I know to belong to a man I assume is my age maybe slightly older, also a Vulcan like the man who found me and saved my life. In his desperation to help me and stop Nero, he used a Vulcan telepathy technique called "mind-melding" to show me what he had endured because of Nero. I did see all the information he wanted me to see, but I also felt his emotions. I didn't tell him, knowing the sorrow he felt blaming himself for the deaths of thousands of people.
These deaths were not his fault. I wanted to tell him that so badly.
I know now this man was…is Spock, or Spock as he would have been had Nero not traveled to the past to destroy his imagined enemy. His real enemy was a supernova, not a single Vulcan man, not this man's planet and not the Federation. I don't know all of the details; I know only what Spock told me. What is troubling me are the things he didn't tell me. The things I felt in his mind.
When he touched me, I was rushed with a sense or warmth, hope, relief and love. I wondered at this for some time after but almost forgot until most recently. Contact between Ambassador Spock, now known on New Vulcan as Elder Selek, and Doctor McCoy have confirmed transference of certain memories leading Ambassador Spock to apologize deeply for his lack of control in his old age. I don't blame him at all. I can't blame him for his beautiful memories that haunt my dreams. Memories of a life, a love that could have been had Nero not fucked up everything. I would have known my father, my abusive asshole stepfather never would have been in my life making mom miserable enough to forget about Sam and I and accept any Starfleet assignment that came along just to get away from him. In this life also, I would have found the most fulfilling aspect of it in Spock. Through dreams that I have not had the heart to tell the aging Ambassador Spock, I found that in that life, the one untouched by Nero, Spock and I would have become best friends, brothers in arms and more. We would have been lovers, soul mates. I heard a Vulcan word for this in this dream and have since scoured the entire Vulcan language for it's proper meaning but so far only the Standard four definition meaning has been found.
T'hy'la.
Meaning friend, brother, lover, lifelong companion.
I had gotten a glimpse of what life would be like with Spock if Nero hadn't fucked it all up. I would know the warmth and fullness of Spock's love. In that dream I knew, I felt like I'd always known how deep and wonderful that love was.
Spock… Spock-In one all too brief a moment, I knew what sweet bliss your love could be…and in the next, it was gone, and I'm left aching for the shadow of what had been.
I found out that like the Jim Kirk of Ambassador Spock's time-line, I fell in love with you. I forgot about these dreams until I realized that the feelings I had from them were not residual of his at all, but actually emotions of my own, formed after working so closely with you, getting to know you better, both of us risking our lives to keep the other safe.
But I see how happy you and Uhura are together and I love you too much to hurt you by telling you, I love you too much to see that happiness die.
I love you.
I love you so much and it hurts so badly. I don't want anyone else. I tried only twice to distract myself in the usual way, to have sex and it failed because I knew how hollow and empty it was, what it was supposed to do but didn't.
I love you, Spock.
I don't know what to do.
I love you.
Close personal log.
[LOG CLOSED]