I'll Make a Man Out of You
SUMMARY: Dear Man-Journal. Today, Oberyn Martell took me, Theon Greyjoy, on as an apprentice. An apprentice in what, you may ask? Wooing women. I see no way in which this could go wrong. Modern AU, Theon's POV via Man-Journal, implied Margaery/Quentyn and Arya/Gendry.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow, it's been a while since I last uploaded anything. School's been tough, but I'm in the last stretch and there's only one more week left before exams. Yikes!
Anyways, this is a weird oneshot that came to me in a dream one night and it takes place in the "friday nights" universe. You might say it's a sequel, actually.
Enjoy and reviews are appreciated!
DAY 1
Dear Diary,
No, that sounds wrong. I don't like the word "diary." It sounds like the kind of thing Jon hides under his bed and scribbles his wannabe-emo poetry in. Have you read Jon's poetry? You probably haven't because you're an intimate object, but let me tell you, it's all sorts of awful. I never knew there were so many synonyms for dark.
Dear Journal,
Ugh, no. Still sounds like a pansy.
Dear Man-Journal,
There, I like that so much better. Personal, but not to the point where I'd be spilling out my deepest, darkest secrets for some little brat (I'm looking at you, Arya) to sneak in and read and then make copies of to distribute around the neighbourhood. We've already had enough trouble with the Robb Diaries Situation of Summer 2008. We were cleaning eggs off Ned's car for at least two weeks. Apparently Robb's diary entries were quite offensive. Who knew?
Anyways, seeing as this is my foray into manliness, I suppose I should introduce myself?
My name is Theon Greyjoy and as of today, I am the first apprentice to be taken on by Oberyn Martell in the subtle art of wooing women.
(I see no way in which this could go wrong.)
How did I even meet Oberyn Martell, seeing as we practically have no relation nor do we live in close proximity to one another? Good question.
You know how Oberyn has like, five hundred super-hot daughters?
Yeah, well I know none of them.
It sucks.
But Oberyn has this total dork of a nephew named Quentyn who looks like he doesn't even know what end of the cigarette goes into your mouth. Quentyn somehow snagged Margaery Tyrell—who is definitely one of the best looking girls I know and I know—and Margaery is best friends with Sansa.
Anyways, one day Quentyn and I were waiting to pick up Margaery and Sansa from cheer practice.
(I don't normally chauffeur annoying little girls around. Robb was volunteering at some weird thing where they probably teach tone-deaf kittens how to knit and Jon was at the "gym." Yeah right. More like another poetry reading again.)
So I got to know Quentyn and turns out, he's not that bad of a guy. Other than the fact that he keeps showing off his ultra-hot girlfriend, he's alright. And then Quentyn told me about his uncle Oberyn who is legendary amongst fellow womanizers such as myself. Of course I insisted on meeting him to share techniques.
When I finally got around to meeting Oberyn, he took one look at me and sort of…shriveled up a little. I don't think I've ever seen anyone make that expression before. He said he'd teach me how to properly seduce women. I was offended, until I remembered his legendary escapades. (His wife is probably the best looking woman I've ever seen, short of the Targaryen women and they're not exactly what we would categorize as completely sane. One time, Daenerys Targaryen tried to light the school pool on fire because the water polo team refused to host a "Save the Whales" campaign.)
Anyways, Oberyn told me that we would meet today at around 1:30 at this weird café that Sansa and Margaery go to all the time. Apparently it's a hot spot for the ladies. It's 1:15 now so I should probably think about leaving.
Don't give me that withering look. I don't do early. The Greyjoys are notorious for being fashionably late. Well, I am. Asha's always early but that's because she's a strong believer in knowing all your enemies' weaknesses and therefore, arriving early to scope out her surroundings. Asha is a strange one.
See you later, Man-Journal,
Theon Greyjoy, future-Master Playboy
DAY 2
Dear Man-Journal,
That went well.
When I say "well," I mean that I managed to get this really gorgeous girl's number.
And when I say, "I managed to get this really gorgeous girl's number," I mean that I rear-ended her car when I was parking and we had to exchange numbers so she can call me to pay for damages. Her name's Dacey Mormont and she's at least three years older than me, but she's super-hot.
Oberyn sort of shook his head a little, but he gave me high-five and congratulated me on my creativity in picking up chicks. I saw no point in correcting him on that.
Catch you later, Man-Journal,
Theon Greyjoy, Proud Owner of an Oberyn Martell-Patented Little Black Book ™
DAY 4
Dear Man-Journal,
So, apparently Dacey Mormont is Robb's girlfriend?
How does that even happen? How the heck did Robb get a girlfriend before me? Not that I've never had a girlfriend. I mean, I've had casual flings and hookups, but not a steady relationship.
(It's sort of pathetic that I'm lying to you, Man-Journal.)
I think Oberyn felt bad for me so he's promised to introduce me to his niece tomorrow, which is surprising since he's normally so protective of his family. We're meeting at some restaurant that I've only been to once because I got kicked out on account of inappropriate conduct. I guess they didn't appreciate the drunken ketchup art on the windows?
I'm super excited! Maybe I'll meet my future girlfriend tomorrow!
Bye for now, Man-Journal,
Theon Greyjoy, Boyfriend-in-Training
DAY 5
Man-Journal,
I think we hit it off really well. Her name's Arianne and she's definitely way hotter than Dacey. She's Quentyn's sister (Why do people like Quentyn get all the luck? Hot sister, hot cousins, hot girlfriend. It's really not fair) and I think we really bonded over that relationship. We spent almost entire time talking about the various ways in which Quentyn annoys the heck out of us. We hardly talked about anything other than Quentyn.
We've made plans for next weekend to go catch a movie and dinner afterwards. After Oberyn heard about it, he gave me a speech on the Rules of Dating ™.
I'll write down some of them here for future reference:
Be handsome as heck. Nobody likes someone who isn't handsome. This goes for everything, not just dating.
If she says "no," that means no. Don't push it, no matter how handsome you are.
Always promise to enact revenge on anyone who tarnishes her honour. This is a real turn on for the ladies.
Witty banter is encouraged, especially if the both of you are witty. If not, it's encouraged anyways.
Talk about yourself a lot. Self-confidence almost makes up for lack of handsomeness. It's also good if you run out of things to talk about. You know a lot about yourself, right?
Since relationships are all about honesty, tell her all about your ex-girlfriends. This way, you can get that uncomfortable conversation out of the way. WARNING: if you have a crazy ex, it might be a good idea to let her know. You don't want to enter a relationship and have your ex attempt to murder you three weeks in.
Name dropping. Girls love it if you are associated with famous people. Bonus points if those famous people actually know and talk to you on a regular basis.
If society doesn't allow you to be together, fuck society. Be with her anyways and bear lots of illegitimate children who'll grow up to be awesome and badass. Fuck society.
Show her that you're protective of your family. Make sure she knows that you keep close ties with your siblings. She'll love that. (Except Asha is terrifying and I'd rather have her protect me than me protect her.)
Two words. Theme music.
(Isn't Oberyn just the best person ever? He actually gave me a lot more of these rules, but I can't remember them all.
I hope my date goes well.)
Later, Man-Journal,
Theon Martell—err, I mean Greyjoy
DAY 9
Man-Journal,
Well, that didn't last long. Arianne's ex came back from his school over in the Free Cities and now they're back together. She kept insisting that it wasn't my fault and that I was a great guy, but she's still in love with her ex.
Normally, the wimpy pre-Oberyn Theon would curl up in a ball and have a cry-session worthy of a prepubescent Jon Stark, but not post-Oberyn Theon. It's just her loss. I'm a free man now.
Ladies, beware! Theon Greyjoy is back on the market!
Hopefully Oberyn knows some other beautiful girls.
Another time, Man-Journal,
Theon Greyjoy, Lady-Killer ™
DAY 13
Hey Man-Journal,
Today, I went over to Oberyn's house, but apparently he went to a huge party last night and got so drunk, he ended up sleeping over. Luckily, Quentyn was there, so we ended up hanging out and playing video games for more hours than I'm comfortable admitting.
Of course, our main topic was girls. Quentyn is one hell of a lucky guy. He's been in a steady relationship with Margaery Tyrell for almost a year and they show no signs of letting up. When I asked him how in the hell he managed to hook up a girl like that, he laughed at me and said they used to be enemies.
HOW.
I guess there's a lot to be said for sexual tension, eh?
Then, Margaery came over and I had to leave because they started making out in front of me and that's probably the most awkward situation I've been in since I mistook two random kids for Bran and Rickon and ended up driving them home after school. Their parents were not pleased, to say the least, but it was dark and I was slightly hung over.
I suppose I should just join a dating site or something. Maybe Kraken Mingle?
Catch you later, Man-Journal,
Theon Greyjoy, Single and Searching
DAY 15
MAN-JOURNAL,
HOW IN THE HELL DID ARYA—ARYA WHO IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD BY THE WAY—MANAGE TO GET A BOYFRIEND BEFORE ME?
NOT THAT I WANT A BOYFRIEND, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SHE'S FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
MORE DETAILS AFTER I FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED,
Theon Greyjoy, PERPETUALLY CONFUSED
(still) DAY 15
Hey Man-Journal,
After I calmed down, I went to Arya's room and tried to interrogate her on this "boyfriend" business. It did not go well. Arya's not exactly the most patient of the Starks and when she's agitated, she's been known to attack.
She and Asha get along so well, it's almost scary. Add Sansa into the mix and they're legitimately terrifying.
Anyways, Arya met this guy named Gendry through fencing. Arya's really good at fencing and she's been co-coaching with this dude called Syrio Forel at the community centre. One day, this Gendry guy came in for lessons and he was so positively hopeless, Arya ended up spending most of her time helping him. Then, Gendry started coming every day and after about two weeks, he finally asked her out.
Sweet, I know.
EXCEPT THAT GENDRY IS SEVENTEEN, ALMOST EIGHTEEN AND THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY CREEPY.
I threatened to tell Ned and Catelyn about her new boyfriend, but she pulled her sword down from the wall and threatened to run me through with it. I barely escaped with my life.
I don't know how to feel about this,
Theon Greyjoy, slightly upset and a little jealous
DAY 21
Man-Journal,
Over the past three weeks, I've come to realize something very, very important. I don't see how I couldn't have possibly realized this before.
I don't need a woman to make me happy. That's it. I'm an independent Kraken who don't need no woman to make him happy. I can be happy all on my own. I have awesome friends—when Robb isn't being weird, Jon isn't being broody, and Quentyn isn't making out with Margaery. Gendry's a cool guy to hang out with too, though Jon hates him. My friends make me happy. I have a super awesome family. Ned's strict, but cool. Catelyn pretends she hates me, but I know she cares somewhat. Sansa and Arya are legitimately the most terrifying females on the face of the earth, but when they're not being scary, they're busy being awesome. Rickon and Bran are adorable and when I'm feeling down, they never hesitate to bring me ice cream, even though I'm lactose intolerant.
It sounds cheesy, but these people make me happy and none of them are people I'd consider as girlfriends. Except Jon. He can be such a girl sometimes.
Earlier, I went to Oberyn and told him that I wouldn't need his services anymore. I thought for sure that he would hit me over the head, but he just smiled a little bit. I have this really strong feeling that maybe this was his intention all along? Like, to make me realize that love—familial and platonic love—can make me just as happy as romantic love?
So, I guess I won't need this journal anymore. I'm going to put this in a shoebox and stash it away at the back of my closet with all of my embarrassing pictures from the eighth grade. That way, I'll never look at it. Hopefully nobody will ever find this.
Thanks for listening, Man-Journal,
Theon Greyjoy
"Has—has anyone seen a notebook with a black and gold cover?"
"You mean this notebook, Theon?"
"Jon? Give that to me."
"I don't think I will."
"Jon, please. Let's not be hasty here."
"You know, it would be a shame if the pages in this diary were to be photocopied and spread all over school."
"You wouldn't. And it's not a diary, it's a journal."
"Let's not talk about what I would and wouldn't do."
"Jon, please."
"I am not falling for that, Theon. Last year, you took my diary of poetry from the sixth grade and made copies of all the pages and then you taped it to everyone's lockers."
"Jon, I was young and foolish."
"That was last year."
"You know, Theon, it would be such a shame if any of this were to get out."
"It would be, so give it back."
"Theon, I like you. And because I like you, I might be inclined to keeping this a secret. Of course, I'd have to be in a good mood otherwise I might accidentally let this fall into a photocopier."
"What do you want, Jon?"
"Theon, why do you think so lowly of me? It's not that I want anything."
"Jon."
"You're going to come with me to spy on Arya and Gendry's date next Saturday."
"What? No!"
"Oh man, my fingers are so tired and I really don't want to let this diary just fall into—"
"Fine, fine! You've got yourself a deal!"
"I like the way you think, Theon."
"Jon, if you ever let this slip, I will tell everyone at school that you used to be an exorcist."
(If I get enough reviews and enough interest is generated, I might consider writing that fic where Theon and Jon spy on Arya and Gendry.)