Notes: The Title is from Declan McKenna's song Why Do You Feel So Down
Rory's aversion from touch during times of severe anxiety is something I deal with, even though I usually like affection, and I really wanted to write about it so I did and I'm not sorry about it.
Something was wrong. Rory, ultra-affectionate, human octopus when she cuddles, queen of physical expressions of love and affection, was avoiding her. Well, not avoiding Paris so much as being physically distant. They still bantered and quipped and talked about pretty much everything under the sun, but Rory wasn't nearly as affectionate as usual. Gone were the study snuggles, the small gestures of affection like Rory holding Paris's hand for no reason or just leaning her head on her shoulder, the nights of not needing a blanket because Rory was practically draped completely on top of her in their bed. Granted, Paris put up a token argument to the overly affectionate ways of Rory Gilmore when they started dating in the summer between their sophomore and junior years of Yale, but she really did love it. And something had made Rory stop, which was Not Okay, and Paris was going to get to the bottom of it.
This lead Paris to be sitting on their sad saggy couch in their run-down apartment with take-out from the Indian place that Rory adored but Paris couldn't stand the smell of, waiting for Rory to get back from her last class.
When their door opened, Paris, in typical Paris fashion, forwent the carefully laid plan of wine and dine Rory and get her to open up about whatever was wrong and walked right up to her and asked, in a loud volume that wasn't quite a yell, "Are we in a fight?"
"What?" Rory, and her damn blue bambi eyes, looked at Paris in confusion, which made Paris feel kind of bad for the almost yelling.
"Well, you're being all weird and so I figured we were in a fight and I didn't know." Which Paris found odd because she knew fighting. Fighting was the Geller way, it was in her DNA, her parents fought ceaselessly, she lashed out instead of dealing with her problems, hell, she was pretty sure that her fight or flight action didn't exist because Paris Geller was not one to run from a fight. Despite all this, she wasn't sure why else Rory would be acting so distant.
"No, we're not in a fight." Rory moved past Paris, making sure to go around her and not even so much as brush against her, and dropped her bag onto the coffee table next to the takeout. Paris followed, still confused, and sat on one end of the couch.
"Should we be? I mean, did you do something and instead of telling me you're just being all weird and distant." Paris asked as Rory grabbed a takeout container and sat on the other end of the couch.
"No," Rory sighed as she said it.
"Then what, Ror, why are you acting like this?" Paris was concerned and she sounded it and she saw Rory's face soften and fall a little.
"I just," She didn't finish the sentence because she was interrupted by a small cry that indicated that she was holding back tears.
"You just what, Rory?" Paris moved to sit next to her on the couch, not quite touching since Rory was clearly not wanting contact if her past behavior was any indication.
"I'm just so anxious about everything and, I don't know, but being around other people is hard and physical contact is so much harder and I'm sorry." She was properly crying now, big gasping sobs and Paris really wanted to pull her into her arms and comfort her but she didn't want to make it worse for Rory, she never wanted to make anything worse for her.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about, but I am sorry for yelling at you," Paris said sheepishly.
"You didn't know." Rory looked her in the eyes when she said it, to let Paris know she wasn't upset about that, which she would normally do by throwing herself at her girlfriend in a hug.
"But I do now. What can I do? Do you want me to sleep on the couch so you can have some space to yourself? Do I need to go krav maga on somebody's ass? Name it and I'll do it." Paris was serious, but she also said it in a way that she knew would make Rory laugh, which it did, though she was still teary-eyed.
"No. Just give me time."
"I'll give you all the time in the world." Paris said, looking her girlfriend in the eyes. "After all, we've got the rest of our lives for you to be a goofy cuddly human octopus."
They sat side by side, close enough to feel each other's body heat but not quite touching, and ate take out for a while.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, Par," Rory said when the curry that Paris had ordered her was nearly gone.
"Don't be. I understand now and I'm not mad. I wasn't ever really mad. I just didn't know what was going on and now I do and it's okay."
"Yeah, you do know now, I guess. And you're not mad?" Rory had those baby blue eyes turned on Paris and they were full of insecurity and Paris hated to see her so upset over something she couldn't control.
"Of course not. You can't control anxiety or it's manifestations. You just know how crazy not knowing things makes me." That got a laugh out of Rory, which Paris was glad for.
"I love you." Rory said, leaning so that their faces were very close but not quite touching.
"I love you too."