"Colonel! I got you a present!" Havoc kicked himself into the office, carrying what seemed to be two large cardboard boxes. Mustang sighed heavily, remembering the last time Havoc bought him a present… which turned out to be an exploding custard pie.

"Relax, Colonel! This present's even better than the last one! It's… a computer!" Said "computer" slammed on top of Mustang's desk and part of his finger.

"I sure hope it's better than the last one, Havoc. There's been some complaints of stolen lollypops. Lollypops that have been found in your desk. If this "present" of yours fails, you will be fired." Havoc's face fell for only a moment, but a goofier smile replaced the last one.

"You won't be disappointed, Colonel Mustang!" Havoc proceeded to remove the packaging of the first item.

"This is a computer. It was the swankiest model I could find." He took out what seemed be the size of Hawkeye's daily stack of paperwork and dropped it on Mustang's pinkie.

"YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

Havoc ignored him and pressed a button on the side of the computer. The black screen came to life, scaring the wits out of the colonel.

"Hey Havoc. What's a password?"

"Oh, um, er… I don't know, Colonel. Just type in whatever you want."

"How do you type?"

"I think that's what that thingy is for," Havoc pointed to the keyboard.

"I see… Oh my gosh, I get it now! I feel so smart!" Roy's eyes sparkled as he typed in a bunch of random letters.

"Colonel, are you going to remember that?" Havoc peered over the monitor.

"Of course, its hayat3asdf. You can't remember that, can you?"

"I can."

"Well, I'm going to change it then."

"Go ahead."

Havoc lit another cigarette as Mustang finally met his desktop.

"What do I do now?"

"I dunno, Colonel, write a love poem for Hawkeye like the fans want you to?"

"If I wanted to, I wouldn't do it in front of you."

"Aww, come on! I dare you! She's not going to see it, right?"

"I'll change my wallpaper first. I don't want to have a koala staring at me as I try to think of stupid metaphors." Mustang proceeded to change the background to that of a miniskirt. "That's much better."

"Great to know you haven't changed a bit, Colonel." Havoc stared out the window, watching a bird peck Major Armstrong on the head apathetically. Had he been a bird Armstrong would have been bald since aaaaaaages ago.

As Mustang opened Amesoft Word, the blinking cursor on the blank page didn't help him make a start at all.

"Do I start with a blatant declaration of love, or do I make it subtle?"

"Colonel, what is that?" Hawkeye had returned and noticed the ugly white thing sitting on the Colonel's otherwise spotless desk.

"That's that new-fangled thing they call a computer, Lieutenant. It's pretty cool, isn't it?" Mustang's grin was uncomfortably cheesy as a pile of finished paperwork was placed in her hands. "Thanks to this I got my paperwork done much faster." Havoc had decided to install a printer as well and Mustang had worked it out surprisingly quickly.

"But it's ugly, Colonel."

"…You're right about that actually."

The two were oblivious as Havoc started sobbing in a corner. "All of this effort and they still don't realise how amazing it is… The fact it's so big and ugly can't be helped! At least you appreciate what's inside more… and the nicer models were too expensive on the black market."

"Colonel?" Hawkeye had noticed the love poem Mustang was writing.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" He quickly made to close the document. "Don't worry about this. This is confidential info."

"Oh, ok." She was suspicious, but did not allow it to show. "I have a lieutenant's meeting to attend, Colonel. Please don't let it rain on you."

Peeved at the off-handed comment, Mustang only nodded.

Closing the door behind her, Hawkeye was curious as to what he had been writing.

"What's the number for Aerugo Mercenaries again?"

"'Allo? You've reached Aerugo Terro – sorry, Aerugo Mercenaries. How can I 'elp you?" A squeaky man with a thick Aerugoian accent had picked up.

"Do you have people to break into computers?"

"Yes, we do. They're called 'ackers. When and where you want one?"

"ASAP, Central, Amestris."

"We 'ave a guy there right now. 'e finishes 'is job tomorrow. You can 'ave 'im Friday night."

Ignoring the fact that it sounded like she was ordering a prostitute, Hawkeye pressed on.

"So, on the matter of cost…"

"You're Pierre?" Hawkeye addressed the strangely attractive Aerugoian man standing the doorway of her residence.

"Yes, that would be me." Pierre carried himself in a relaxed manner and spoke smoothly in contrast to the man on the phone.

"Surveillance in the area is low at this time of night. I'll take you to the computer."

Taking care not to let the heavy wooden doors squeak too much, Hawkeye slowly creeps in with Pierre in tow.

"That sort of model is only found on the black market, you know. Incidentally they have as bad security as the ones you can get legally in Amestris." In response to Hawkeye's questioning look, "What? The organisation has a small branch of terrorists, you know. You learn a bit if you deal with them a lot."

It took Pierre almost no time at all to break into the computer.

He looked over Hawkeye's shoulder lazily as she found the ONLY file on the laptop: . (A/N This is ignoring )

"This is…"

I love you so Riza, I don't know what to think,
after I saw your pink panties that once, (Riza remembered when he walked in on her changing)
But if I ever gave this poem when I had the chance,
you'd definitely think that I was a dunce.

Even so, I still love you,
to the top of the world.
But please return me,
those spare gloves that you hurled. (Riza giggled)

I know about that call
you made to those hackers.
I know you are reading this,
and think I've gone whackers.

It is nice to know that Havoc was here
jdhfgkagnydgfowigfensoiwequn xgweoix
Sorry about thliwufgiouwfnlixnrwgflxnug
qiuwyfxqiuwyfgnxqyiuwfnxiuwq fnuxyi.

My stupid subordinates thought it would be
a good thing to mess up this poem.

To Havoc, please give him
a beating so bad,
that people who see it,
will think he's so sad.

To Breda, that eejit,
who put it bold,
throw him in Lake Edna;
he'll find it so cold.

Leave Fuery be;
he's an innocent boy.

To Fallman the rat,
make him keep saying "ahoy!"

Fullmetal did nothing,
but I still want him involved.
Make him spout nonsense
when he is revolved.

Sorry 'bout the end,
I just need to add.
But if you were my wife,
all this wouldn't be so bad.
~By Roy

The silence that accompanied reading the cheesy piece of poetry was enough to stuff more than 100 chickens.

"I feel ripped off."

"You should."

"I would swear but this fic is rated K+ and teaching kiddies to swear is bad."

"Did you break the fourth wall?"

"No."

After seeing off Pierre at the train station, Hawkeye sighed and returned home to catch at least a few hours of sleep.

"Ah, Lieutenant. Nice to see you –"

"COLONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"

The resulting brawl resulted in an almost dead Mustang and a screaming and kicking Hawkeye.

"Well, kids, the moral of the story is not to write love poems in such an obvious place. Also not to hire overpriced hackers. And if you can't avoid writing love poems and having them discovered, don't make them cheesy." Havoc took a bite out of his steaming cheese toastie. "Cheese is great with bread though."

TWO YEARS AGO!? Well, I guess this thing needed a revamp. So I gave it a revamp. I kept the original poem because it was really bad and that was the thing I was going for.

Anywaaaaay, FMA isn't mine and that's why I'm on this website despite the fact I should really be studying.

Royai is confirmed. Love and stupidity seem to both win this time. XD Also cheese toasties.

Viva la fanfiction.