*AN0:
Right then.. So I've been missing for about a few months now, due to school and what not. And I've been thinking that its been pretty unfair to you guys (the fans) that follow my stories to not even get updates on when I go missing. So to make it up to you, I've written not one, not two but three new Owners Guides and Maintenance Manuals.
This is the first of the 3. I'll release the other two when I feel is appropriate.
Enjoy.
*AN1 : Hello, F/Z / F/SN fandom, I'm Kansou here, bringing you a story style that some of you might find familiar. Not much to say now, except 'I hope you enjoy the fic' and 'reviews are gold'. Oh, and 'EXCALIBAAAAAAAAA!' too.
*AN2:
I'm using a story style you may have seen before. The original idea of the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" Series belongs to Teresa Green. Credit for the format goes to her.
*AN3
Before I start, I'm going to drop a warning here. There MIGHT be spoilers. So, don't read if you don't wanna risk it. Anyways, enough from me.
Presenting...
KIRITSUGU : The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual!
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated KIRITSUGU EMIYA. To ensure that you get the best out of your KIRITSUGU, please read carefully the following instructions :
Basic Information :
Name : KIRITSUGU EMIYA (A.K.A. Kerry, The Magus Killer, Ojisan, Master)
Date of Manufacture : 11/11/?
Place of Manufacture : Alimango Island
Genetic Type : Human/Magus
Height : 175cm
Weight : 67kg
Your KIRITSUGU unit will come with the following accessories :
One (1) Walther WA2000 sniper rifle
One (1) Calico M950 submachine gun
One (1) Thompson Contender
Sixty-six (66) Origin Bullets
Three (3) Command Seals
*Hand Grenades, Stun Grenades, Smoke Grenades, C2 explosives and Claymores sold separately
**SABER (ARTHURIA PENDRAGON) unit also sold seperately.
Programming :
The KIRITSUGU unit is cold, cruel and scarily efficient. Killing and destruction are his specialties (and god damn, he's good), so he has in him a few 'extreme' programs.
- ASSASSIN : The KIRITSUGU unit is highly specialized in this role. Trained by the infamous Natalia Kaminski herself, no target can elude him. If you have a person you really dislike, or just want to kill that annoying neighbour that never seems to stop playing loud music in the middle of the night, your KIRITSUGU unit has got you covered.
Don't worry, your KIRITSUGU unit is more than capable of covering his own tracks.
- BODYGUARD : As with most of our other units, the KIRITSUGU unit is also capable of being a (though highly unorthodox) bodyguard. Stealth is your KIRITSUGU unit's game. He'll follow you around without you even knowing it and if anyone tries to lay a finger on you, we bet our factories that that same finger will be shot off and its owner killed before you even turn around.
- TERRORIST: As mentioned above, this is one of your KIRITSUGU unit's more 'extreme' programs. Highly armed and highly dangerous, your KIRITSUGU is basically destruction taken form. From creating minor disturbances to full out bombing a hotel and shooting down a plane, your KIRITSUGU unit will stop at nothing to accomplish his goal once given the order.*
*A word of caution here : We here at Omfgcanaanissocute Industries are in no way responsible for any acts of terrorism you and your KIRITSUGU unit commit. Hence, whatever punishment the relevant authorities decide to mete out is fully yours to bear.
- FATHER : Yes, you heard right. The scientists at Omfgcanaanissocute Industries have once again made a major breakthrough in neurotic and robotic science. Using the latest of technologies, we are able to program the KIRITSUGU unit to be under the impression that he (*chuckles*), is your father.
Though being his 'child' does not grant you any special privilege, the KIRITSUGU unit will care deeply for yo-. Actually, scratch that. He'd kill you to save the world*. But hey, at least you can play walnut-hunting in a snowy forest with him, so it can't be all that bad.
*Warning : We are not joking. If killing you meant doing the world a good turn, he'd pull the trigger on you within moments. Sure he'll be emotionally affected afterwards, but we guarantee that he'll have no problems shooting you in the head.
Your KIRITSUGU EMIYA has (3) different settings :
- Silent/Distant (Default setting)
- Drunk
- Master (Locked)
The default setting for your KIRITSUGU is set to Silent/Distant.
In this setting, the unit will tend to ignore you and go about his own business. Thinking and planning, your KIRITSUGU unit will concentrate his efforts on his goals. That is, unless you tell him otherwise.
The Drunk setting is your KIRITSUGU unit's 'fun' mode. By screwing around with your unit's common sense parameters, we're able to remove his usual stoic demeanor and give it a complete 180.
The list of things your KIRITSUGU unit will do in this setting is currently being compiled*. Our scientists have found a few interesting ones, however.
For example :
- Ever wanted to see the world in slow motion? Or you just want those boring days to go by quicker? Well, you're in luck, because the KIRITSUGU unit specializes in Time Altering magic! Completely ignoring how stupid and unethical the idea is, your KIRITSUGU unit will cast a bounded field on you, affecting your perception of time and even allowing you to move twice/thrice as fast as you usually can!*
- Feeling miserable? Need some company or a friend to talk to? Well, the KIRITSUGU's too drunk to do that, but what he will do is let you in on his collection of guns, cigarettes, alcohol and MAIYA unit pictures (nudes not included)! Its the ultimate 40-year-old-drunk-old-geezer experience!
*Feel free to send us your fun experiences with Drunk Kiritsugu. If we find your idea amusing enough, we'll compile it and send you an ARCHER (EMIYA) unit as a reward!
**Blood loss and severe damage of capillaries guaranteed
The Master setting is only activated when your KIRITSUGU unit successfully summons a servant (Saber) to assist him in the 4th Holy Grail War. A few things to note when your unit is in this setting
- Your unit will focus all his effort into winning the war. So he may deviate from your instructions.
- He runs the risk of being killed in this war.
- If you try to stop him, he will kill you.
Have fun!
Relations with other units
Your KIRITSUGU unit has many relations with other units. As the narrator of this story is too lazy to list them all out, the more important ones will be listed instead.
IRISVIEL VON EINSBERN : The KIRITSUGU unit's loving wife. These two units are highly compatible with each other with the IRISVIEL unit willing to even give up her life if doing so would help achieve the KIRITSUGU unit's goals*. Interaction between the two is encouraged
*Needless to say, once or if the IRISVIEL unit dies, your KIRITSUGU unit will be broken mentally. If you were the cause of her death, prepare to witness pain beyond your wildest imagination. (I'd hide that box of 66 bullets if I were you.)
SABER (ARTHURIA PENDRAGON) : The KIRITSUGU unit's Servant. The two have a 'work-only' relationship and do not get along at all. Their detest for each other is mutual and will under no circumstances, cooperate with the if it weren't for their own goals.
*If you're annoyed that they're always at odds with each other, or you just ship SaberxKiritsugu, our scientists are at your service. For a small fee of $100,000,000 we can reprogram your KIRITSUGU unit to be amiable or even flirtatious towards the SABER unit.
KOTOMINE KIREI : Do not let these two units meet at all costs. Not only will they try to destroy each other, their fight will bring about the world's destruction should KOTOMINE win and obtains the grail.
So if you value your life or your world, don't let these two meet.
Cleaning :
The KIRITSUGU unit is capable of cleaning himself. Do not attempt to clean him without his consent as you'll be killed. Mercilessly. If in any event your unit is incapable of cleaning himself, do not machine-wash your unit. Towel-dry only.
Energy :
Your KIRITSUGU unit is always busy and without time to eat proper food (he stuffs himself with burgers), thus needs as much nourishment as possible. Letting him smoke too much affects his health as well, so keep that in check.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: My KIRITSUGU EMIYA got caught by the cops! What do I do!?
A: That should be impossible. But we at Omfgcanaanissocute Industries are always prepared for unexpected situations. Get yourself a IRISVIEL VON EINSBERN unit and use her money/status to bail your KIRITSUGU unit out.
Q: My KIRITSUGU unit is going on non-stop about the value of life! Wasn't he supposed to be a killer? I want a refund!
A: There'll come a point in time where your KIRITSUGU unit will realize the wrong of his ways and accept it. There's nothing you can do about it, your unit is a changed man.
No refunds.
Q : NOOOO! My KIRITSUGU unit just met a KOTOMINE KIREI unit and now both units are killing each other!
A: You know.. we give our warnings for a reason. Anyways, if you want to stop the fight, get a TOKIOMI TOHSAKA unit to intervene in the fight. Either all 3 of them will end up retreating or all 3 of them will die. Don't you just love gambles?
Q : I.. I can't take this anymore.. My KIRITSUGU unit's acts of murder are too much for me. I want to put him down. How do I do that?
A : If you are absolutely sure you want to put down such a sexy, mature unit, we have the way.
Get a NATALIA KAMINSKI unit and order her to finish the KIRITSUGU unit off. Although she'll sustain minor injuries, the mentor will always beat student and your KIRITSUGU unit will be terminated within minutes.
TROUBLESHOOTING :
Problem : Your KIRITSUGU unit is reminiscing about the past and now keeps muttering : "Shirley, Shirley, Shirley" over and over again and you're getting annoyed.
Solution : Well, what better way to snap him out of it but just getting him Shirley then? *
SHIRLEY units now available on our online catalogue at a discounted price of just $423,092,145!
*As you might have already guessed, if the Shirley unit dies your KIRITSUGU unit will break and then people will start dying, so do take caution.
With proper care and maintenance, your KIRITSUGU unit will lead a not-so-long and not-so-happy life. But hey, he's a hero and heroes always pull through.
Okay.. So after writing this one out, I realize I've been a bit repetitive in my stories. That and I love terrorist-esque characters. Wonder if I can improve on that.
Drop me a review and let me know which areas I can improve in guys! :3
Til next time,
Kansou signing out