He was pressing me up against a wall. The wall of my parent's living room, to be precise. The garishly blinking lights of their tree filtered into my vision as the blonde desperately pulled my shirt aside, lapping at my neck. I tensed, this was it. I was going to die here, in the most humiliating way possible, on Christmas Eve. My parents would find me in the morning, probably the best Christmas present they could hope to get, come to think. I dared to open one of my eyes. Spike wasn't even trying to bite me. What a crappy vampire.

"Why don't you just get it over with already?" I winced, why say that to a crazed vamp?? I swear, Xander, sometimes you are too stupid. The vampire didn't even look up, just chuckled into my collarbone. The sound sort of reverberated down my spine and I shuddered. You know, in fear. Manly fear. The creepy blonde creature that was creepy and scary and worthy of my manly shuddering--fear! Shuddering fear!! He cupped my cheek--super creepy!--and began to... snuffle my hair? I coughed loudly. "Spike?" I tried to shove him away, but he would not be dislodged. I mean, I didn't try very hard, he does have super-human strength and all.

"My goddess," he whispered, running his hand down to my side, scratching my thigh lightly through the denim. I groaned, biting my lip as I felt my body start to react. Not in the revolt-react way it should have been, but in the good-react way. I felt like crying. Manly crying!

"G-goddess?" Smooth, Xan. Real smooth. He ran his creepy monster fingers through my hair, keeping the other one on my thigh. He began to nip at my neck. That manly fear ratcheted back up again, but he never bit and I relaxed just a little.

"My dark goddess," he rumbled in my ear. There was my treacherous body again. I tried to pull away again, but he held firm.

"You're defiling my Christmas tree," was all I could think to say, in a manly whimper of course.

"Creamy, beautiful skin, all laid out just for me." Why was this vampire so sexy? So creepy and so sexy. What my body was doing was not manly at all. "Dru," he purred. I began to cry. For real. They were manly tears, but I couldn't stop them all the same. I took Spike's face in hand and shoved him backwards. He grinned predatorily. Then I shuddered in real-fear. "Xander?" he seemed to finally realize, his gaze and mine clicking in an eerie display of confusion. I ran away. It wasn't manly at all.

---

"Xander?" I heard the call. It made me want to cower more than I already was. And I was in my closet, so that would have been pretty difficult. Finally, the door swung open. The chipped vampire stood there in all his manly glory. I wanted to cry again. "I'm so sorry." My head snapped up.

"What did you just say?" I asked sharply.

"I said I was sorry. Okay?" Now he looked about ready to shed some manly tears of his own. "What?" Oops, must have said the manly tear bit aloud.

"Why did you do that?" That was the only question that really mattered. But I think I knew the answer. "You miss her, don't you?" I whispered, before Spike could answer. He just nodded gravely, crouching down so we were eye-to-eye.

"Drusilla's been dusted," he whimpered. "I-I sort of lost it." He didn't even try to whimper in a manly way. I was a bit disappointed. Before I knew what I was doing, I held out my arms, and I had a lap full of vampire. Of sniffling vampire. And I began to cry, too. Don't ask me to explain. It just sort of happened. It was the least manly thing I've ever done, quite possibly.

"But you and her," I started. He looked up at me and my train ran right off the track. He was staring at me with those too-blue eyes, and in that moment I forgot who he was. Who I was. That I was a manly vampire-hunter and he a sniveling vampire. He trapped my lips under his own trembling ones. This time the shudder was of a much different nature. At first I just let his lips move over mine, he was so very desperate though. I took pity. Not pity. No, empathy. I understood what it was like to lose the only person that loved you. Despite my better judgement, I kissed him back. The basement echoed the sound of lips on lips for long moments. I used to hate that sound when Anya and I were together, I thought it eerie and crude. Now it was oddly comforting. I pulled away, touching his face gingerly. His hair was all out-of-place. He was going to hate me for that a little later. "I can't be her for you." He smiled wanly.

"I would never ask you to do that. Anyone to do that... I don't know why I'm here." He ran his hand back through his dishevelled hair, pulling away from my embrace with the most dignity one could muster in such a situation.

"Why would you come back here? It's not just because of Drusilla, Spike." I looked very seriously into that hurt face. No demon should ever look that way.

"You're right," he looked at the floor, getting up slowly. He pulled out a cigarette and looked like he would walk out. I don't know why, but I panicked. Just a little. Manly panic... Over losing my vampire? Whatever. I freaked, jumping to my feet. His mouth did that little half-smile thing around his unlit cancer stick. "Not goin anywhere, luv." I relaxed, visibly.

"I didn't think you would," I tried haughtily, realizing way too late that that was entirely the wrong thing to say. I didn't even care. Suddenly this vampire's pain just mattered to me. I can't explain how he penetrated my heart just like that. But he did. He lit his cigarette, right there in my room. I didn't even think to try and stop him.

He walked out in the other room and turned on TCM like he still lived there. Like he owned the place. It was so surreal seeing him in that barcalounger again, as if he had never left. All too soon he was putting out that cigarette on the heel of his boot, and I fled the room again, for lack of something to say. Or do.

---

I brought back two cups of tea. Giles had given me some English breakfast tea for Christmas for the Scooby Swap. I knew it wasn't exactly breakfast, but Spike was English. I shrugged, setting his cup on the table, and sitting awkwardly on the opposite side of the ancient couch.

"Ta, luv." He held up his teacup to clink with mine briefly. I obliged him blinkingly. Was he seriously just going to watch my TV all night?? Suddenly tea was set down and I found myself trapped under vampire-legs. I bit my lip, looking up at Spike. The hurt expression was gone, replaced by one of mischief.

"Spike, what are you doing?" I groaned. I had a very serious headache all of a sudden. He moved his hips so that they met mine, and I bit back a gasp. Then his lips met mine again, and I kissed him back just to hear the echo.

It was a manly echo.

---

Happy Christmas, everyone. Or more accurately, Happy Winter Solstice!