You Don't See Me
By: juzAgirl
*This is my first songfic, hehe.and this is from an original character's point of view. This would just relate her feelings for a certain Shohoku player.very unrequited love. Just had to do this to release some of the tension I was feeling lately and this is in no way connected with my other fic "To Be Loved By You" *whispers: but you can also read that too* (so shameless of me) *evil grin*. The lyrics are sectioned off with () and if they come out right, are also in bold letters.*
Disclaimer: Characters of SD belongs to the eminent Takehiko Inoue and the song, "You Don't See Me" is by Josie and the Pussycats, yes, from the movie and not the cartoon series. Original character belongs to me.
-=*___STORY BEGINS HERE___*=-
He doesn't know---no idea---that he's the reason I live. I wonder what he would say if he knew---if he even found out that I existed. But how can he? All he ever had eyes for was that damn girl---their team's manageress. If only he would look the other way, maybe he would see---me---because I always see him---sometimes too much.
(This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough)
He never knew that I looked out for him. Everyday, while he was quietly lying down inside that hospital room, I was there, watching, waiting. But that didn't amount to anything because every time I got the chance to approach him, I chickened out. I was afraid that he'd laugh at me or worse, reject me like some unwanted piece of trash. I didn't want to see that day. So I stayed behind the shadows. Leaving when the time for visiting hours was over. Coming back again when it was morning. Then the day he left came, I was shocked at first to find his room empty. But the nurses that I've befriended told me that he had gone home, much to my relief. They asked if I was his girl. Oh how I wished that I could have said yes but I said no, slowly and painfully letting the word sink in.
Then, the next day, he had come back to school. Just like new, he walked the hallways of Shohoku like some big shot. I laughed at that, he looked so cute when he smiled and walked, he knew he was something---someone---even though he was smaller than most of the other players, but that was a part of his charm. And that earring did crazy things to me. Like I could have died just to see it twinkle brightly.
Then it happened, he had another fight. With a freshman, Sakuragi Hanamichi I think. That boy will never cease to amaze me with his rash actions. But I guess he could handle the taller yet younger player. And why did they fight? He was jealous again because his precious Aya-chan was with Hanamichi. Baka! Why did he have to waste his time on her? Why when I was here, waiting for him?
God I felt like kicking myself.
And then there was the time the whole team faced Mitsui Hisashi.
I was hiding behind a small closet door. It hurt to have the basketballs cramp against me and the mop handles stick against my body but I held the uncomfortable position just to watch everything that happened.
(I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
And tumblin' and breakin')
I almost screamed his name when Mitsui hit him. I was biting my lip so hard that I cut it. I hated the taste of blood. But I didn't care. All I really cared about was his safety.
Thank God Anzai-sensei came. It all ended there.
But not the pain. No the pain I carried went on and on---everyday mounting into something less bearable.
Even inside the classroom, the pain never ceased. I'd be looking at him. Sometimes he would be listening to sensei, most of the time he would be sleeping. I forced myself to look the other way when he would greet Ayako with that same warm and gentle look every morning. He would stand there like some idiot, so in love with her, while I stood mere inches away, holding the tears inside. It was so hard to keep myself from crying but I did. I became an expert by each passing day.
And then I'd notice Ayako return his smiles, look at him from her seat and walk with him towards the gym. It would be an understatement if I said that I wanted to be in her shoes so badly, such an understatement.
Every night, before I went to bed, I'd be praying that one day, he would wake up from his dream and leave Ayako and stop loving her. But maybe I was doing the wrong thing because everyday he'd be loving her more. I knew. I saw it in his eyes.
Each game, I was there, cheering him on, fighting the voices of the "Rukawa Brigade". But who would ever beat them? One against maybe half a thousand wasn't really fair play. It amused me though. Why would they waste their time on Rukawa when he didn't even care about them, when he ignored them like they were not there? Then that question hit home, just like a hard slap on my face. I was doing the same thing.
He didn't care about me. I knew that. He ignored me like I wasn't even there, I knew that too. But why, damn it, why did I have to love him like this?!
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could)
Yes, I love him. At first I tried to close my eyes to the possibility, feeling that what I had for him wasn't love. I thought or forced myself to think that it was just admiration. But no, the feeling was different. All the while I was loving him. And he never loved me back.
It hurts to see my life in front of the mirror.
It's so hard to cling on to nothing.
---to love someone who has somebody else to love.
---to fight for someone who doesn't even give a damn to what I'm feeling!
And best of all, it was so hard to hurt and feel the pain when clearly I didn't have the right to. He was never mine, so why regret what cannot be?
(I dream a world where you understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights)
I snuck out of the house every night, knowing that I'd be seeing him. I'd be dressed in something dark, almost always in black, just so I can hide behind the dark bushes that surround the small basketball court he so frequented. Every night he'd be there, shooting some hoops, practicing, running like he did while in a game, he always pretended that he was playing against someone. I smiled at that, probably Maki. He wanted so much to be the best point guard in Japan. Such dreams, such determination, one day, it would all come true for him. And I'll still be here, clinging on to him with no real hope.
"Itai!" I screamed and quickly clapped my hands over my mouth.
I had leaned on too far to the left to look at him and I twisted my ankle.
Baka! I could kill myself.
"Nani? Who's there?" I heard him ask.
Please don't find me---Please don't find me---Please don't find me---
Then I heard a faint rustling behind the bushes.
"Daijoubu?"
I froze, waiting for the bubble to burst but it never came. His voice was real---he was real---right here, behind me---I felt the hairs on my neck stand on end---partly because of the cool night wind, but mostly because of his voice and how near he was.
"Daijoubu, betsuni," I cried out, not turning to face him. I felt myself blush as his hand touched my shoulder. I didn't want him to see me like this---not when I felt like I was going to die any second. For a moment or two, I forgot the pain but then I winced. It was really sick the way I twisted my ankle. It felt like it was burning and freezing at the same time.
"Ie. You're hurt. Let me help you."
It was then that I turned to look at him. Maybe it was the night's blessing to me, it was too dark for him to see my red cheeks. And then he smiled. It was so good to be alive.
"You really don't have to. My house is-"
"It's not that I have to. I want to, okay? You probably think I'm some maniac. I'm Miyagi Ryota. You look really familiar," he interrupted, his smile never faded.
"---I know---ano---it's because we go to the same school. We have the same class."
"Oh."
I saw the look on his face. He really didn't know me. How could he when all he ever saw was Ayako? Aya-chan this and Aya-chan that. Then he laughed.
"Gomen, I seem to have lost track of who my classmates are. So what's your name then?" he asked politely, helping me up from my very awkward position on the hard ground.
"Wakarimashta---watashi wa Morishita Ruriko."
"Well, let's get you home then."
And he did. I was leaning on to him like a disabled person and he never complained. Not even once. And finally, two blocks after, I was home.
"Arigatou Miyagi-san. I'm sorry for spoiling your evening," I said, half- facing the door and half-facing him.
"It was nothing. I'm glad I could help. And please call me Ryota."
"---Hai," I blushed for the millionth time.
"Good night."
"Good night."
And that's when my life started. I slept like an idiot that night. It was the first time I gave out a real smile in weeks. It felt so good to be happy again, even if it was only for a moment.
***
"Ohayo gozaimasu Ruri-chan!"
"Ohayo Ryota-kun."
It went on like this for a month. We became friends. My visits inside the Shohoku gym during practice wasn't done in hiding anymore. My presence became as welcomed as it could possibly be.
And just like magic, I became a part of his life. But I didn't have the part I wanted. That still belonged to Ayako. But I didn't blame Ryota for it. Once I got to know Ayako, we so frequented the bench on practices together, I learned that she was nice and sweet. I saw the good that Ryota saw in her. But never once did I hear her mention Ryota in a loving way. She didn't talk about his feelings for her and she never revealed how she felt for him. But I guess she liked him, who wouldn't?
One day, I couldn't help myself. I blurted things out without thinking.
"Ayako-san, what do you think of Ryota?"
She looked at me, confused. I was battling myself, whether or not to ask her more or just drop the subject and dismiss the idea but I had to know.
"We all know that he's crazy in love with you. What do you feel for him?"
"He's a very good friend. And I trust him. I think his dreams will take him far because he's a very hard worker. I like that in him," was her firm reply.
"---ano---but do you love him?" I prodded on.
"Do you?" she threw the question back to me, her eyes so sincere that it hurt me to look. I blinked, quite surprised at what she had asked.
I turned my back to her. I couldn't face her, it was as if she knew everything that I'd been hiding inside my heart. But I couldn't tell her.
"Ie," was all I could say, my eyes darted at the wooden floor.
"I see."
That talk with Ayako awakened something inside of me. Now, I was even more afraid to let him know about my feelings. Maybe Ayako would tell him about our conversation and maybe not but I couldn't risk it.
So I did the thing I dreaded the most. I started avoiding him. It killed me to do so but I had no choice. He couldn't find out.
At first he seemed like he didn't mind or notice at all. But then he started calling me at home, asking me about certain things, telling me about his day and I'd talk to him but only with short answers like yes or no.
"Ruriko! Ryota's on the phone," okaasan had called out one night.
"Moshi moshi," I'd said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
"Where were you this afternoon? Everyone's missing you."
"I---I had to do some things."
"What things?" he asked.
"Things."
"What are you hiding? What's wrong with you? Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not! Do you think that my world revolves around you?!" I yelled out a little too harshly, it was out of confusion and self-pity but I never meant to be rude. Not to him, especially not to him. I immediately regretted what I had said.
"Ryota---"
There was a deafening silence before he spoke.
"Ie. Don't. Just---good night," he said almost at a whisper. I had to strain myself to hear his words but I knew what he meant and it hurt like hell.
Click.
He had hung up.
That was the last conversation we had. He never called back and I didn't dare call him. And everything went back to the way things were. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. He never greeted me on mornings anymore. It was always Ayako again. And I hated it---I missed him. It was my fault why even the slightest friendship we had had disappeared. But I'd catch him a few times, smiling at me. But I never smiled back, maybe I was too afraid of the possibilities that I'd lose---the chances that I'd throw away.
(I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends
Nothing but good friends?)
It was a cold night and I wanted to do some thinking. I thought of the places that I could go to and I quickly crushed the thought of going to the basketball court out of my mind. I didn't have to torture myself anymore. Not when I brought this upon myself.
So I went to school. I always found the rooftop appealing and I was great at sneaking in and out. I went in through the gym and I used the stairs that connected it to the rooftop to finally reach my destination. It was a cold night indeed.
The wind felt savage and it ripped me apart just standing there. I raised a leg and crossed over to the other side, careful not to fall. I sat on the iron railings, releasing everything that I'd been keeping inside of me. I felt a tear slowly make its way down my cheek. This was what I went here for? To cry?
"Be careful."
I didn't have to turn to know who it was.
"I saw you coming here while I was on my way to the basketball court, thought that you might need some company."
I kept on looking straight but it wasn't because I was ignoring him. I just didn't know what to do.
"Well? Am I welcome?"
"Douzo."
He crossed over like I did, sitting on the railing, looking ahead as well.
"Why'd you come?" I asked.
"Why did you?"
"Don't give the question back to me," I murmured, my heart finally racing.
He laughed.
"What's so funny?" I asked, turning to face him.
What met me were two sad brown eyes, a melancholic smile and a single tear, threatening to come down.
"What happened?"
"She rejected me."
"Ayako-san?"
He nodded, letting his loneliness float over to me. Now he knew what I felt. And I wished that I could take that away from him. I knew too well how it hurt and he didn't deserve to feel that kind of pain. He loved her too much.
"I---asked her to go out with me, tonight, and she said yes. Everything went well at first. I thought I had a chance. But when we were walking home, she asked if she could talk to me, about everything. She told me that she thought of me as a friend and it wouldn't go above that. She told me that she appreciated everything that I'd done but she said---there was someone else---who deserved my love---who would love me---kuso---she was the only one---she deserved everything that I gave her because I love her--- like no one else ever can. Is something wrong with me? What did I lack?"
"It's not you. You're wonderful and she knows that. Maybe she just needs some time to think it over. She'll realize that you're the best thing that's ever happened to her," I said.
You're the best that's ever happened to me---
He laughed again, this time it was an awkward sound, not the laugh that I knew of.
"And funny thing is, she said that I loved somebody else---someone else--- masaka! She told me she saw that. But how could she say such a thing when all that I've ever thought about was her? I loved her like she was the air that I breathed. She was everything and now that she's gone, it's like I'm left with nothing else but a shattered heart."
I'm here---if only you'd notice that---
"How am I ever gonna wake up to another day when I know that I'll never have a future with her?"
Please open your eyes---we can have a future---
"How can I live when I know nothing's going to be the same?"
We can live---together---
"I don't know what to do."
I don't either---I just know that I love you and that's all that matters---
"Loving her---that's all that I know of---"
Loving you---my curse and my sorrow---
"Ruri-chan, help me---"
"I can't---do that for you. You have to help yourself. All I can do is be here for you, just like friends do," I said, my words hurting me like daggers.
"Arigatou---"
And then slowly, he reached out and touched my cheek, wiping away the tear that I never even noticed was there.
"Arigatou---," he said again.
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I wish you would)
***
"You didn't have to hurt him you know."
Ayako looked up from her notes. She knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Wasn't that what you wanted?"
"No. I didn't want him to get hurt."
"I didn't either but I had to do it. I wasn't going to pretend that I loved him and I wasn't going to lie to him. I wasn't going to lie to him just like you do."
I didn't know how to react.
I saw something inside Ayako's eyes and I understood perfectly.
"I'm not lying to him."
"That's what you're telling yourself. If you love him, tell him.he deserves to know."
"I don't love him," I muttered under my breath.
"And now you're lying to me too. I'm not as dense as he is. Don't you know it's unhealthy to keep something for too long? All I did you was a favor. And it was our release, his and mine. He needs to find out for himself that you're the one he needs, the one he should love."
"I don't need his pity, not yours either. If he doesn't love me, I can live with it. But he can't live without you. You should have known that."
"He loves you, he just doesn't know it. He kept on looking for you when you decided to not show up during practices-"
"Because he's my friend," I interrupted.
I didn't know why Ayako was playing with my head.
All I knew was that I didn't like it.
"Just so you know, I did it for myself and not for you."
She stood up, got her notes and left me there. But she left me with something to think about, something to haunt me, and as much as I hated to admit it, Ayako probably was right about one thing. I was a liar.
***
There he was. Playing again. Venting his anger on the poor basketball. And here I was, back where I started, behind a bush. He didn't need to see me. I didn't need him to see me. He flew across the cemented court like lightning. He kept on shooting, not missing a basket. I wish that I could take his pain away, but how can I when I can't even take away my own?
I stood up, ready to walk away and then.
"I thought I saw you behind that bush."
"I was just-"
"You don't need to explain."
"Well, good night then."
"Matte!"
I turned to face him, only to find him mere inches away.
"What?"
"---ano---walk you home?"
"You don't need to."
"I want to."
I would've smiled if it weren't so damn painful. This was just like the time when we first spoke, only that this time, I wasn't injured like before.
"So? How have you been doing?" I asked, breaking the silence between us.
"Okay I guess. I'm getting used to the fact that she'll never love me."
"But?"
"But---she knows I'll love her forever."
I listened to the footsteps we made but it didn't stop me from hearing his words.
"I see."
"I don't even know why I keep on clinging to her. It's like she's the only girl who'll ever do for me. I don't think I'll be able to find someone like her again. And I don't think I'll ever love anybody as much as I've loved her."
"Ayako doesn't know how lucky she is."
"The guy she's going to love is luckier. How I wish that I could be him. Even for just one day---if only she saw me through another's eyes."
"We all wish to be in someone else's shoes."
"Where do you wish to be?" he asked.
"Somewhere else---someone else---perhaps."
"Why?"
"Because---just because, life is unfair to me too.just like it is to you," I said, and it was true, everything that I'd said then and there was true. Too bad he didn't know life was unfair because of him.
"Ryota, if you found out that somebody was loving you from afar, would you even give her a second glance?"
"I don't know.maybe I'd be curious at first but in the end I'd know that she will never compare to Ayako. God I'm such an idiot, don't you think?"
"That makes the both of us," I whispered, not really daring to say it out loud.
"I really don't know why I keep on going on like I do. You'd think by now that I'd be looking for some other girl, someone who would care enough to return my feelings, but no! I had to stick to just one."
"I know what you're feeling. I'm home."
"Oh. Right. Well, good night then."
"Goodbye Ryota-kun."
He turned around, and he didn't even notice the sad look in my eyes.
(This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get)
I couldn't sleep and I figured if I did this, it would all be over---call him.
I fought with the voice inside my head but my thoughts won.
I slowly walked towards the phone, dreading it like it was my doom, and it probably was. I never thought that I'd be doing this. But I had to. I had to finish this one way or another and all I had to do was make one lousy phone call.
I dialed, my fingers shaking slightly.
Ringing. It kept on ringing. I almost hung up.
"Moshi moshi," a very sleepy voice called out.
"Ryota?"
"Hai, who is this?"
"It's me."
"Ruriko?"
"Hai."
"What's the matter? Did something happen? Daijoubu?" he asked frantically, his voice waking up, sounding very worried.
"Daijoubu. I just needed to talk to you."
"Is that all? Don't scare me like that. About what?"
"Gomen---ano---"
(I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you)
"Well?"
I couldn't say it. I got so tongue-tied that I thought I was going to go mute.
"Ryota---ano---"
"Ruriko, it's two in the morning. If this could wait until tomorrow-"
"No, it can't---"
"Then say it already. My mom will kill me if she found out that I was still awake and talking to you on the phone like some baka."
"Gomen---Ryota-kun---ano---"
He yawned and I didn't want to wait any longer so I just blurted things out. Maybe he would hear me, maybe he won't, but I took the chance anyway---
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would)
"---aishiteru---Ryota-kun---"
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could)
And then I hung up.
I wasn't going to wait for his reply or his reaction. Whether he'd be shocked or amused, I didn't really wanna know. All that mattered was that I got that out of my chest and finally came clean.
I did love him and finally he knew.
Problem is---he'll never love me back.
-=*___THE END___*=-
*Haha! Finally, I got that out of my system and all in one night. I'm so proud of myself, except for the fact that I slept at 3 in the morning just to finish this. I hope you like this, just a little something to waste your time one. Please review, bad ones and good ones alike. I don't care because I value your opinions. To those who loved this, I'm glad you were born into this earth.and to those who don't.well.you wouldn't wanna know.hehehe.;)*
*This is my first songfic, hehe.and this is from an original character's point of view. This would just relate her feelings for a certain Shohoku player.very unrequited love. Just had to do this to release some of the tension I was feeling lately and this is in no way connected with my other fic "To Be Loved By You" *whispers: but you can also read that too* (so shameless of me) *evil grin*. The lyrics are sectioned off with () and if they come out right, are also in bold letters.*
Disclaimer: Characters of SD belongs to the eminent Takehiko Inoue and the song, "You Don't See Me" is by Josie and the Pussycats, yes, from the movie and not the cartoon series. Original character belongs to me.
-=*___STORY BEGINS HERE___*=-
He doesn't know---no idea---that he's the reason I live. I wonder what he would say if he knew---if he even found out that I existed. But how can he? All he ever had eyes for was that damn girl---their team's manageress. If only he would look the other way, maybe he would see---me---because I always see him---sometimes too much.
(This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough)
He never knew that I looked out for him. Everyday, while he was quietly lying down inside that hospital room, I was there, watching, waiting. But that didn't amount to anything because every time I got the chance to approach him, I chickened out. I was afraid that he'd laugh at me or worse, reject me like some unwanted piece of trash. I didn't want to see that day. So I stayed behind the shadows. Leaving when the time for visiting hours was over. Coming back again when it was morning. Then the day he left came, I was shocked at first to find his room empty. But the nurses that I've befriended told me that he had gone home, much to my relief. They asked if I was his girl. Oh how I wished that I could have said yes but I said no, slowly and painfully letting the word sink in.
Then, the next day, he had come back to school. Just like new, he walked the hallways of Shohoku like some big shot. I laughed at that, he looked so cute when he smiled and walked, he knew he was something---someone---even though he was smaller than most of the other players, but that was a part of his charm. And that earring did crazy things to me. Like I could have died just to see it twinkle brightly.
Then it happened, he had another fight. With a freshman, Sakuragi Hanamichi I think. That boy will never cease to amaze me with his rash actions. But I guess he could handle the taller yet younger player. And why did they fight? He was jealous again because his precious Aya-chan was with Hanamichi. Baka! Why did he have to waste his time on her? Why when I was here, waiting for him?
God I felt like kicking myself.
And then there was the time the whole team faced Mitsui Hisashi.
I was hiding behind a small closet door. It hurt to have the basketballs cramp against me and the mop handles stick against my body but I held the uncomfortable position just to watch everything that happened.
(I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
And tumblin' and breakin')
I almost screamed his name when Mitsui hit him. I was biting my lip so hard that I cut it. I hated the taste of blood. But I didn't care. All I really cared about was his safety.
Thank God Anzai-sensei came. It all ended there.
But not the pain. No the pain I carried went on and on---everyday mounting into something less bearable.
Even inside the classroom, the pain never ceased. I'd be looking at him. Sometimes he would be listening to sensei, most of the time he would be sleeping. I forced myself to look the other way when he would greet Ayako with that same warm and gentle look every morning. He would stand there like some idiot, so in love with her, while I stood mere inches away, holding the tears inside. It was so hard to keep myself from crying but I did. I became an expert by each passing day.
And then I'd notice Ayako return his smiles, look at him from her seat and walk with him towards the gym. It would be an understatement if I said that I wanted to be in her shoes so badly, such an understatement.
Every night, before I went to bed, I'd be praying that one day, he would wake up from his dream and leave Ayako and stop loving her. But maybe I was doing the wrong thing because everyday he'd be loving her more. I knew. I saw it in his eyes.
Each game, I was there, cheering him on, fighting the voices of the "Rukawa Brigade". But who would ever beat them? One against maybe half a thousand wasn't really fair play. It amused me though. Why would they waste their time on Rukawa when he didn't even care about them, when he ignored them like they were not there? Then that question hit home, just like a hard slap on my face. I was doing the same thing.
He didn't care about me. I knew that. He ignored me like I wasn't even there, I knew that too. But why, damn it, why did I have to love him like this?!
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could)
Yes, I love him. At first I tried to close my eyes to the possibility, feeling that what I had for him wasn't love. I thought or forced myself to think that it was just admiration. But no, the feeling was different. All the while I was loving him. And he never loved me back.
It hurts to see my life in front of the mirror.
It's so hard to cling on to nothing.
---to love someone who has somebody else to love.
---to fight for someone who doesn't even give a damn to what I'm feeling!
And best of all, it was so hard to hurt and feel the pain when clearly I didn't have the right to. He was never mine, so why regret what cannot be?
(I dream a world where you understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights)
I snuck out of the house every night, knowing that I'd be seeing him. I'd be dressed in something dark, almost always in black, just so I can hide behind the dark bushes that surround the small basketball court he so frequented. Every night he'd be there, shooting some hoops, practicing, running like he did while in a game, he always pretended that he was playing against someone. I smiled at that, probably Maki. He wanted so much to be the best point guard in Japan. Such dreams, such determination, one day, it would all come true for him. And I'll still be here, clinging on to him with no real hope.
"Itai!" I screamed and quickly clapped my hands over my mouth.
I had leaned on too far to the left to look at him and I twisted my ankle.
Baka! I could kill myself.
"Nani? Who's there?" I heard him ask.
Please don't find me---Please don't find me---Please don't find me---
Then I heard a faint rustling behind the bushes.
"Daijoubu?"
I froze, waiting for the bubble to burst but it never came. His voice was real---he was real---right here, behind me---I felt the hairs on my neck stand on end---partly because of the cool night wind, but mostly because of his voice and how near he was.
"Daijoubu, betsuni," I cried out, not turning to face him. I felt myself blush as his hand touched my shoulder. I didn't want him to see me like this---not when I felt like I was going to die any second. For a moment or two, I forgot the pain but then I winced. It was really sick the way I twisted my ankle. It felt like it was burning and freezing at the same time.
"Ie. You're hurt. Let me help you."
It was then that I turned to look at him. Maybe it was the night's blessing to me, it was too dark for him to see my red cheeks. And then he smiled. It was so good to be alive.
"You really don't have to. My house is-"
"It's not that I have to. I want to, okay? You probably think I'm some maniac. I'm Miyagi Ryota. You look really familiar," he interrupted, his smile never faded.
"---I know---ano---it's because we go to the same school. We have the same class."
"Oh."
I saw the look on his face. He really didn't know me. How could he when all he ever saw was Ayako? Aya-chan this and Aya-chan that. Then he laughed.
"Gomen, I seem to have lost track of who my classmates are. So what's your name then?" he asked politely, helping me up from my very awkward position on the hard ground.
"Wakarimashta---watashi wa Morishita Ruriko."
"Well, let's get you home then."
And he did. I was leaning on to him like a disabled person and he never complained. Not even once. And finally, two blocks after, I was home.
"Arigatou Miyagi-san. I'm sorry for spoiling your evening," I said, half- facing the door and half-facing him.
"It was nothing. I'm glad I could help. And please call me Ryota."
"---Hai," I blushed for the millionth time.
"Good night."
"Good night."
And that's when my life started. I slept like an idiot that night. It was the first time I gave out a real smile in weeks. It felt so good to be happy again, even if it was only for a moment.
***
"Ohayo gozaimasu Ruri-chan!"
"Ohayo Ryota-kun."
It went on like this for a month. We became friends. My visits inside the Shohoku gym during practice wasn't done in hiding anymore. My presence became as welcomed as it could possibly be.
And just like magic, I became a part of his life. But I didn't have the part I wanted. That still belonged to Ayako. But I didn't blame Ryota for it. Once I got to know Ayako, we so frequented the bench on practices together, I learned that she was nice and sweet. I saw the good that Ryota saw in her. But never once did I hear her mention Ryota in a loving way. She didn't talk about his feelings for her and she never revealed how she felt for him. But I guess she liked him, who wouldn't?
One day, I couldn't help myself. I blurted things out without thinking.
"Ayako-san, what do you think of Ryota?"
She looked at me, confused. I was battling myself, whether or not to ask her more or just drop the subject and dismiss the idea but I had to know.
"We all know that he's crazy in love with you. What do you feel for him?"
"He's a very good friend. And I trust him. I think his dreams will take him far because he's a very hard worker. I like that in him," was her firm reply.
"---ano---but do you love him?" I prodded on.
"Do you?" she threw the question back to me, her eyes so sincere that it hurt me to look. I blinked, quite surprised at what she had asked.
I turned my back to her. I couldn't face her, it was as if she knew everything that I'd been hiding inside my heart. But I couldn't tell her.
"Ie," was all I could say, my eyes darted at the wooden floor.
"I see."
That talk with Ayako awakened something inside of me. Now, I was even more afraid to let him know about my feelings. Maybe Ayako would tell him about our conversation and maybe not but I couldn't risk it.
So I did the thing I dreaded the most. I started avoiding him. It killed me to do so but I had no choice. He couldn't find out.
At first he seemed like he didn't mind or notice at all. But then he started calling me at home, asking me about certain things, telling me about his day and I'd talk to him but only with short answers like yes or no.
"Ruriko! Ryota's on the phone," okaasan had called out one night.
"Moshi moshi," I'd said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
"Where were you this afternoon? Everyone's missing you."
"I---I had to do some things."
"What things?" he asked.
"Things."
"What are you hiding? What's wrong with you? Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not! Do you think that my world revolves around you?!" I yelled out a little too harshly, it was out of confusion and self-pity but I never meant to be rude. Not to him, especially not to him. I immediately regretted what I had said.
"Ryota---"
There was a deafening silence before he spoke.
"Ie. Don't. Just---good night," he said almost at a whisper. I had to strain myself to hear his words but I knew what he meant and it hurt like hell.
Click.
He had hung up.
That was the last conversation we had. He never called back and I didn't dare call him. And everything went back to the way things were. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. He never greeted me on mornings anymore. It was always Ayako again. And I hated it---I missed him. It was my fault why even the slightest friendship we had had disappeared. But I'd catch him a few times, smiling at me. But I never smiled back, maybe I was too afraid of the possibilities that I'd lose---the chances that I'd throw away.
(I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends
Nothing but good friends?)
It was a cold night and I wanted to do some thinking. I thought of the places that I could go to and I quickly crushed the thought of going to the basketball court out of my mind. I didn't have to torture myself anymore. Not when I brought this upon myself.
So I went to school. I always found the rooftop appealing and I was great at sneaking in and out. I went in through the gym and I used the stairs that connected it to the rooftop to finally reach my destination. It was a cold night indeed.
The wind felt savage and it ripped me apart just standing there. I raised a leg and crossed over to the other side, careful not to fall. I sat on the iron railings, releasing everything that I'd been keeping inside of me. I felt a tear slowly make its way down my cheek. This was what I went here for? To cry?
"Be careful."
I didn't have to turn to know who it was.
"I saw you coming here while I was on my way to the basketball court, thought that you might need some company."
I kept on looking straight but it wasn't because I was ignoring him. I just didn't know what to do.
"Well? Am I welcome?"
"Douzo."
He crossed over like I did, sitting on the railing, looking ahead as well.
"Why'd you come?" I asked.
"Why did you?"
"Don't give the question back to me," I murmured, my heart finally racing.
He laughed.
"What's so funny?" I asked, turning to face him.
What met me were two sad brown eyes, a melancholic smile and a single tear, threatening to come down.
"What happened?"
"She rejected me."
"Ayako-san?"
He nodded, letting his loneliness float over to me. Now he knew what I felt. And I wished that I could take that away from him. I knew too well how it hurt and he didn't deserve to feel that kind of pain. He loved her too much.
"I---asked her to go out with me, tonight, and she said yes. Everything went well at first. I thought I had a chance. But when we were walking home, she asked if she could talk to me, about everything. She told me that she thought of me as a friend and it wouldn't go above that. She told me that she appreciated everything that I'd done but she said---there was someone else---who deserved my love---who would love me---kuso---she was the only one---she deserved everything that I gave her because I love her--- like no one else ever can. Is something wrong with me? What did I lack?"
"It's not you. You're wonderful and she knows that. Maybe she just needs some time to think it over. She'll realize that you're the best thing that's ever happened to her," I said.
You're the best that's ever happened to me---
He laughed again, this time it was an awkward sound, not the laugh that I knew of.
"And funny thing is, she said that I loved somebody else---someone else--- masaka! She told me she saw that. But how could she say such a thing when all that I've ever thought about was her? I loved her like she was the air that I breathed. She was everything and now that she's gone, it's like I'm left with nothing else but a shattered heart."
I'm here---if only you'd notice that---
"How am I ever gonna wake up to another day when I know that I'll never have a future with her?"
Please open your eyes---we can have a future---
"How can I live when I know nothing's going to be the same?"
We can live---together---
"I don't know what to do."
I don't either---I just know that I love you and that's all that matters---
"Loving her---that's all that I know of---"
Loving you---my curse and my sorrow---
"Ruri-chan, help me---"
"I can't---do that for you. You have to help yourself. All I can do is be here for you, just like friends do," I said, my words hurting me like daggers.
"Arigatou---"
And then slowly, he reached out and touched my cheek, wiping away the tear that I never even noticed was there.
"Arigatou---," he said again.
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I wish you would)
***
"You didn't have to hurt him you know."
Ayako looked up from her notes. She knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Wasn't that what you wanted?"
"No. I didn't want him to get hurt."
"I didn't either but I had to do it. I wasn't going to pretend that I loved him and I wasn't going to lie to him. I wasn't going to lie to him just like you do."
I didn't know how to react.
I saw something inside Ayako's eyes and I understood perfectly.
"I'm not lying to him."
"That's what you're telling yourself. If you love him, tell him.he deserves to know."
"I don't love him," I muttered under my breath.
"And now you're lying to me too. I'm not as dense as he is. Don't you know it's unhealthy to keep something for too long? All I did you was a favor. And it was our release, his and mine. He needs to find out for himself that you're the one he needs, the one he should love."
"I don't need his pity, not yours either. If he doesn't love me, I can live with it. But he can't live without you. You should have known that."
"He loves you, he just doesn't know it. He kept on looking for you when you decided to not show up during practices-"
"Because he's my friend," I interrupted.
I didn't know why Ayako was playing with my head.
All I knew was that I didn't like it.
"Just so you know, I did it for myself and not for you."
She stood up, got her notes and left me there. But she left me with something to think about, something to haunt me, and as much as I hated to admit it, Ayako probably was right about one thing. I was a liar.
***
There he was. Playing again. Venting his anger on the poor basketball. And here I was, back where I started, behind a bush. He didn't need to see me. I didn't need him to see me. He flew across the cemented court like lightning. He kept on shooting, not missing a basket. I wish that I could take his pain away, but how can I when I can't even take away my own?
I stood up, ready to walk away and then.
"I thought I saw you behind that bush."
"I was just-"
"You don't need to explain."
"Well, good night then."
"Matte!"
I turned to face him, only to find him mere inches away.
"What?"
"---ano---walk you home?"
"You don't need to."
"I want to."
I would've smiled if it weren't so damn painful. This was just like the time when we first spoke, only that this time, I wasn't injured like before.
"So? How have you been doing?" I asked, breaking the silence between us.
"Okay I guess. I'm getting used to the fact that she'll never love me."
"But?"
"But---she knows I'll love her forever."
I listened to the footsteps we made but it didn't stop me from hearing his words.
"I see."
"I don't even know why I keep on clinging to her. It's like she's the only girl who'll ever do for me. I don't think I'll be able to find someone like her again. And I don't think I'll ever love anybody as much as I've loved her."
"Ayako doesn't know how lucky she is."
"The guy she's going to love is luckier. How I wish that I could be him. Even for just one day---if only she saw me through another's eyes."
"We all wish to be in someone else's shoes."
"Where do you wish to be?" he asked.
"Somewhere else---someone else---perhaps."
"Why?"
"Because---just because, life is unfair to me too.just like it is to you," I said, and it was true, everything that I'd said then and there was true. Too bad he didn't know life was unfair because of him.
"Ryota, if you found out that somebody was loving you from afar, would you even give her a second glance?"
"I don't know.maybe I'd be curious at first but in the end I'd know that she will never compare to Ayako. God I'm such an idiot, don't you think?"
"That makes the both of us," I whispered, not really daring to say it out loud.
"I really don't know why I keep on going on like I do. You'd think by now that I'd be looking for some other girl, someone who would care enough to return my feelings, but no! I had to stick to just one."
"I know what you're feeling. I'm home."
"Oh. Right. Well, good night then."
"Goodbye Ryota-kun."
He turned around, and he didn't even notice the sad look in my eyes.
(This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get)
I couldn't sleep and I figured if I did this, it would all be over---call him.
I fought with the voice inside my head but my thoughts won.
I slowly walked towards the phone, dreading it like it was my doom, and it probably was. I never thought that I'd be doing this. But I had to. I had to finish this one way or another and all I had to do was make one lousy phone call.
I dialed, my fingers shaking slightly.
Ringing. It kept on ringing. I almost hung up.
"Moshi moshi," a very sleepy voice called out.
"Ryota?"
"Hai, who is this?"
"It's me."
"Ruriko?"
"Hai."
"What's the matter? Did something happen? Daijoubu?" he asked frantically, his voice waking up, sounding very worried.
"Daijoubu. I just needed to talk to you."
"Is that all? Don't scare me like that. About what?"
"Gomen---ano---"
(I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you)
"Well?"
I couldn't say it. I got so tongue-tied that I thought I was going to go mute.
"Ryota---ano---"
"Ruriko, it's two in the morning. If this could wait until tomorrow-"
"No, it can't---"
"Then say it already. My mom will kill me if she found out that I was still awake and talking to you on the phone like some baka."
"Gomen---Ryota-kun---ano---"
He yawned and I didn't want to wait any longer so I just blurted things out. Maybe he would hear me, maybe he won't, but I took the chance anyway---
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would)
"---aishiteru---Ryota-kun---"
(Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could)
And then I hung up.
I wasn't going to wait for his reply or his reaction. Whether he'd be shocked or amused, I didn't really wanna know. All that mattered was that I got that out of my chest and finally came clean.
I did love him and finally he knew.
Problem is---he'll never love me back.
-=*___THE END___*=-
*Haha! Finally, I got that out of my system and all in one night. I'm so proud of myself, except for the fact that I slept at 3 in the morning just to finish this. I hope you like this, just a little something to waste your time one. Please review, bad ones and good ones alike. I don't care because I value your opinions. To those who loved this, I'm glad you were born into this earth.and to those who don't.well.you wouldn't wanna know.hehehe.;)*