: Not Another Self-Insertion Fic:
by
- GlazedAndConfused -
DISCLAIMER
Love Hina isn't mine. Well, at least not yet.
Before I start, I would just like everybody who's reading this (if there is anyone, that is...) to know that this - fortunately - is NOT a serious attempt at an SI fic; it is nothing more than a parody that has been written whilst under the deepest, darkest depths of the phenomena that is otherwise known as writer's block... oh yeah, and also because I'm bored. I'm not criticising anyone who has written an SI fic before... personally, I despise SI fics but some of the writers who have written them are pretty good at fic-writing as a whole (e.g. Talon).
This fic is not for those with the overly inflated egos... and no doubt flames will soon be heading my way by the time the third line is read. XD
Brace yourselves... for the story is just about to start.
"..." - denotes speech.
"(...)" - denotes whispering.
Italics denote thoughts and Japanese dialogue.
A British teenager, otherwise known as GlazedAndConfused, stepped off the tram onto the platform and left the station, looking curiously around his new surroundings.
"Pffft, well this place certainly isn't anything to be writing home about..." the tall, blond-haired gaijin smugly said, grinning as he spoke. "Doubt anyone would be too impressed."
'Home' was in the city of London, where the tall, stunningly handsome, uber-muscular teenager had spent the most of his years growing up and kicking plenty of arse. The fact that his parents were Ritsuko Akagi and Son Goku meant that this teen was nobody to be messed around with by any means, being highly versed in armed and unarmed combat, and also having an abnormally high level of intelligence for someone of his age.
Pulling out a piece of paper from his back pocket, he unfolded it to reveal the directions to Hinata Sou, plus a little message written at the bottom that read...
P.S. When we meet, why don't we go
upstairs for a little bit of... "quality
time"... together?
- Haruka
"Hehe... I know I'm the sexiest man alive, but it sure does get boring after a while!" the gaijin chuckled, smirking at the fact that he had the same effect on the Hinata tea shop owner as he did on near enough every woman in England and - so far - numerous others in Japan. "Anyway, better make my way there. Can't wait to meet the girls!" A seductive grin slowly spread across his face. Wonder which one of them I will make love to tonight...?
After receiving the letter, Haruka ran up to the all-girls dorm quicker than anything to show the other girls. The result was predictable - they had all fallen head over heels in love with their new tenant; the older ones wanting to have hot, rabid sex with him. Not that this surprised him, anyway - even in high school he had this effect on every single girl in his year, much to the chagrin and envy of the other boys.
Briefly, he thought that the presence of Hinata Sou's current kanrinin, Keitaro Urashima, would pose a problem in his quest to carve more notches, so to speak. He soon shook this thought out of his head as he took into consideration the fact that Haruka had told him that he got beaten on an almost secondly basis by the second resident Toudai aspirant, Naru Narusegawa, and the Shinmei Ryu heir, Motoko Aoyama.
"Bah, if he gets beaten up by two girls who are younger than him, then he's nothing but a fuckin' wuss who needs to grow a pair!" Glazed said, snickering as he hoisted both his rucksacks over his rock-hard, mountain-like shoulders and made his way through the town towards the all-girls dormitory.
"Finally made it... and not even a bead of sweat broken! Damn I'm good!" Glazed confidentally boasted as he reached the top of the seemingly endless plethora of stone steps that led to the old building. He looked it up and down, shaking his head. While the building was impressive in it's design and construction, it did not seem that way to the gaijin.
Walking inside, he slipped his shoes off and dumped his bags beside the door. He stepped into the lobby, where he found Motoko, Su, Kitsune, Shinobu, Naru and Haruka all waiting for his arrival with baited breath. He smirked arrogantly, flashing them all a smile and a wink that would make any woman's legs turn to jelly. "Hello ladies. I assume you've been waiting for me?"
This had the desired effect. All of them went weak at the knees and had to sit down before regaining their composure, at the same time staring at the new housemate. Naru was the first to stand back up.
"OMGOMGOMGOMG! H3 R0X0RZ MY KN1X0RZ!" the resident Toudai aspirant squealed, having been reduced to the state of an obsessive, drooling fangirl. "G1V3 M3 S0M3 M4D H0T S3X0RZ!" she yelled, jumping and latching onto him as if he were a life preserver.
Shinobu's eyes widened and she stood up, running over to the two and giving Naru a punch which Mike Tyson would have been proud of. She walked over to the auburn-haired girl and leered at her. "Shut up, biz-nitch! Ain't no hussy gon' get her grubby mitts on my man!" The petite, violet-haired girl then diverted her attention to the gaijin. "Hey there suga! How's about you and me go upstairs so I can have some of your love juice?"
Thwap!
A sudden blow to the back of the head with a paper fan stopped the petite girl in her tracks. Kitsune, the resident fox, was sat on the couch, her hand over her mouth as she giggled mercilessly like a schoolgirl. "Girls!" she exclaimed, a heavy blush on her face. "Stop all this fighting! You're embarrassing me! Can't we just share him? He's just so... so... CUTE!"
Shinobu stood up and dusted herself off. "Dat's true, but you ain't gonna fuck his brains out before I do!"
Motoko stood up and made her way towards the extremely well-built young man and pulled out her katana, pointing it at him. "I issue a challenge to thee, you sexy fucker you, even though one is likely to get her ass smashed into an obsolete pulp and fed to the dogs by her superior opponent. If I win, then thy gets to fuck one's brains out on an all-nighter. If you lose, then you have to be my slave!"
Glazed's eye twinkled in response, his mouth curving upwards into a smirk. "I accept your challenge!"
Laundry deck. Motoko and Glazed were stood in their respective positions opposite one another on the rooftop laundry deck. The resident kendo girl was wearing her normal white gi and crimson hakama, her raven-coloured hair billowing in the breeze. The gaijin was wearing a navy gi and black hakama that looked more like it had been painted on him, as his highly muscular build stood out through them.
Motoko initiated the battle by rushing forwards, her blade held to her side as she readied herself to perform a sideward slash. Just as Glazed had predicted, she did attack from the side. Fortunately he had ample time to concentrate on building up his highly awesome and unmatchable psionic shield to block the attack...
Slice!
...but what nobody anticipated was that Motoko would pierce the shield and, at the same time, slice his head clean off with the first swipe of the sword, thus ending the battle straight away. Glazed's head rolled to the end of the balcony and through the railings, rolling down the roof, onto the ground and eventually down the steps.
"NONONONONONONONOOOOO!" Naru shrieked, tears streaming from her eyes, "N0W H3 C4N'T G1V3 M3 M4D H0T S3X0RZ!"
"Aw, fuckin' hell!" Shinobu cried, pointing at the gaijin's decapitated body. "Now none of us are gon' get any of his love juice!"
"It is a shame when somebody gets their head removed from the vicinity of their shoulders in such a gruesome manner as that." Su said in a level voice, pulling out a handheld computer. "And my mini-MAGI had the probability of such an occurrence actually happening at 0.0000001."
"Ah well! Now then, how's about we all go and listen to Slayer!" Shinobu said, suddenly cheering up and raising her hands in the air happily.
The other girls smiled and followed the lead of the violet-haired girl, leaving the body of the stereotypical SI author to rot and fester on the laundry deck, holding it in as much as importance as one would give a sack of potatoes.
: END : (Thank God...)
: AUTHOR'S NOTES :
...I really, really must apologise for this. The only reason why I wrote this was to help get rid of my writer's block.
Well, that, and real life is also playing a big part in my... "leave of absence", so to speak. Rest assured, though, that I'll have plenty of time for more fic writing come the 27th of this month... provided my current employers don't need me to come into work...