~*Velvet Dark-Perfect Dark's Unsung
Hero Part 1*~
One fine day... oh, right. The
disclaimer.
Disclaimer: Perfect Dark and all related
logos/characters/concepts are trademarks of Rare. Quite disappointingly, I am
not Rare.
~*Introduction*~
Hello
Fans of Fiction! My name's Lisa and this "fic" is my first ever.
Please give me advice, as I will be able to use this to make my "fics" better. Finally, I
would call Velvet a heroine (as
apposed to hero) but I don't like that word-sounds too much like a drug. Okay,
ready? Here I go!
~*Carrington Institute Training*~
One
fine day at the Carrington Institute, a whole legion of hopeful new spies for CI had
gathered...okay, so it wasn't actually a legion, there was only 5. This may
sound weird, but they were all from the same family.
Promising new agents, Agent Dark, Agent Dark,
Agent Dark, Agent Dark, and Agent Dark were going to take their final exams.
Agent Dark went in and completed the test successfully and with ease. Then came
Dark's brother Agent Dark, who failed miserably. Then Agent Dark tried, but she
also failed. Finally, only Agent Dark
and Agent Dark were left...
Okay, I'll rewrite that so it makes sense.
Promising new Agents, Jessica, Steve,
Joanna, Jonathen, and Velvet Dark were going to take their final exams.
Jonathen went in and completed the test successfully and with ease. Then came
Jon's brother Steve, who failed miserably. Then Jessica tried, but she also
failed. Finally, only Joanna and Velvet were left...
And so our little story begins.
~*Outside the testing room*~
Dan
(Daniel Carrington):Okay, Agent Dark, now it's your turn.
Jo
(Joanna) and Vel (Velvet): I'm coming!
Dan:
Uhh...the female Agent Dark.
Jo
and Vel: Yes? Is it my turn?
Dan
(to Jo): What? You're not a girl!
Jo:
EXCUSE ME?!? Was that an isult?
Vel:
Heeheehee...
Dan:
I'm sorry Agent Dark, my contact fell out and I mistook you for Jonathen.
Vel:
Common mistake.
Jo:
What? I look nothing like him! We don't even have the same hair colour!
Vel:
Fuck it, just let me take the test.
Dan:
Who said that? I heard a cuss-word!
Jo/Vel:
It was her.
CI
Lab Tech (Female): I hate to interrupt-
CI
Lab Tech (Male):-because this is extremely amusing...
CI
Lab Tech (Female): ...but aren't we acting a little ridiculous here? Just let
them both
go
at once and get it done with! These stupid standardized tests don't matter
anyway!
Jo:
How interesting...
CI
Lab Tech: Oops, did I say that out loud? I meant to say, 'These wonderful
standardized
tests are vital to your future!'
::Vel
starts laughing::
Vel:
Yeah, *snort* right!
Grimshaw:
I never realized how annoying your voice was up until now!
Vel:
Hey! Look who's talking!
Grimshaw:
5 points deducted from your test, little missy!
Jo:
Ha-ha!
Grimshaw:
Minus 5 for you too, red-haired, female, Agent Dark!
Jo:
I have a name. It's Joanna, or Jo for short.
Foster:
Watch that lip, little lady!
All
except Foster: Where the hell did you come from?
Dan:
*gasp* I said a bad word!
Foster:
Gee, I feel stupid. I wish I could go crawl in a hole right now.
Vel:
I wish you would go crawl in a hole right now, too. A hellhole.
Grimshaw:
You can deduct points from her test if you like!
Dan:
Since when are you in a place of power, Grimshaw? No one, and I mean no one is
deducting a single point from this boring-I mean vital- standardized CI Spy
Knowledge and Thinking Aptitude Test, AKA CIPKATAT, which is a constant source
of...
::While
this little speech is made by Dan, Foster crawls back to the firing range::
Dan:
...and most of all, picking out the good spies from the-
Grimshaw:
Zzzzz, you're a real bore, Danny. 10 points deducted!
All
except Dan and Grimshaw: *rolls eyes* Here we go again!
Dan:
Excuse me? You cannot deduct points from my test because there is no test!
CI
Lab Tech (male): What?
Vel:
Okay, then how can you pass or fail a test if there is none?
Jo:
Uhh...yeah! What she said!
Dan:
Come in here, ladies and gentlemen...I mean, ladies.
Jo:
Grr...
Dan:
*locks door* This is the testing room. There will be one question, which you
will have to answer with the first
thing that comes to mind-I mean, answer thoroughly and thoughtfully in under 50
words, and at least 5 words. Here is your question: You are lost. What do you
do?
Jo:
Lemme go first!
Dan:
Just write your answer on this paper.
::3
Minutes Later::
Vel:
Done! May I read it aloud?
Dan:
Very well, Agent Dark.
Jo:
But I'm not done!
Dan:
I meant blonde Agent Dark.
Jo:
Oh.
Vel:
*AHEM*
Dan:
Proceed.
Vel:
First I would look to see any familiar places. Then I would ask someone where I
was. If no one was around, I would go to a pay phone and call to get safely
home. If nothing else, I would stay where I was and wait to be found or saved.
Dan:
Not your best work, as a matter of fact that suc-stinks, Agent Dark version
one-point-blonde, but I guess I'll still give you an A++ because I am such a
nice guy.
Jo:
Done! Here's how mine goes: I would run.
Dan:
That's it? Read it again, slower.
Jo:
I...........would............run.
Dan:
Absolutely brilliant! Well, Agent Dark, I'm going to give you an A++, because I
am
such a nice guy. Oh yeah, other Agent Dark, I'm going to have to lower your
grade to a B+, because you are a dumb blonde.
Vel:
What? I am not a dumb blonde! That's being...being...being... hairist!
Dan:
So?
Vel:
And cruel! You can't lower my grade because I have sunshine-yellowy locks!
Dan:
Sure I can.
Jo:
Damn straight he can!
Dan:
Now Jo, if you were a dumb blonde like dumb blonde Agent Dark over here, then
I'd have to fire you for saying the d-word. But, since your hair is a nicely
tinted red, I will only say, well, swear freely!
Vel:
But...but...
Dan:There
is no more to be said, Agent Ditz, you are lucky to even work for us now.
Jo:
Heheheh...he made a pun on the word "Dark" and replaced it with
"ditz"...hee, hee!
Vel:
I cannot believe this!
Dan:
The subject is closed. Agents Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark and Dark are to report to
my office, ASAP!
~*In Daniel Carrington's Office*~
Steve:
Iwannagofirst!Iwannagofirst!
Dan:
First order of business, is cutting off Agent Dark's supply of pixy stix.
Jo:
Fine by me.
Jon:
No prob.
Jess:
Okay.
Vel:
It's because I'm blonde, isn't it?!?
Dan:
I was referring to our hyperactive friend Steve.
Steve:What'swrongyousaideventhoughIfailedthetestyou'dletmeinhereifIwaspaidinsugar!
Dan:
Translation, Agent Dark?
Jo:
Didn't catch that.
Vel:
Grr...I'm probably 'too dumb' to tell you.
Jess:
What?
Jon:
What's wrong? You said even though I failed the test you'd let me in here if I
was paid in sugar!
Dan:
But not dumb blonde male Agent Dark! I never promised you a single pixy stick!
Jon:
I was just doing the translation.
Dan:
Oh, I see. Very well then, Steve? We will double your Fun Dip.
Steve:
Doublethefundip,doublethefun.
Dan:
Uhh...oookaayy. Now, for your salary, Agent Dark.
Jo:
I get monet?
Dan:
No! Monet was a famous painter. You get money.
Jo:
Ahhh...makes sense.
Dan:
Red haired female Agent Dark, you will get-
Jo:
May I be paid in Yen?
Dan:
I don't see why not.
Jo:
Yay!
Dan:
Now, we are going to make you a very famous Agent Dark.
Jon:
Really? Me?
Dan:
No, the girl Agent Dark who's not a dumb blonde!
Vel:
But that's just not-
Jo:
Hi, my name is-
Jon:
What?
Jo:
My name is-
Steve:
Who?
Jo:My
name is-
Foster:
Slim Shady.
All
but Foster: What's a 'Slim Shady?'
Jo:
No, I'm Joanna Dark!
Foster:
You really should get out more.
Dan:
As I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, 'Joanna' here is
going to be famous. Hey, it's not the best idea to do for an undercover agent,
but it worked with James Bond and no one seemed to know who he was.
Jo:
The name's Dark. Joanna Dark.
Steve:
YayIthinkJamesBondisreallycoolIwaswatchingthisonemoviewithJamesBondinitandhe-
Jon:
I'm sure it's thrilling, Steve.
Jess:
Yeah.
Vel:
Wait a minute! Jessica, you only say one word at a time! And you never start
any pointless, idle conversations!
Jess:
So?
Vel:
That's a problem.
Jess:
No.
Vel:
What if you wanted to say 'thank you?' What would you say?
Jess:
Thanks.
Vel:
And if someone asked you to state your full name?
Jess:
Jessica.
Vel:
And your last name?
Jess:
Dark.
Vel:
So your first and last name are...
Jess:
Jessicadark.
Vel:
You're starting to sound like Steve!
Steve:
Mr.DannysirwhenwillIgettotalktoJamesBondIreallywannameethim.
Jon:
You idiot.
Steve:
WhatwasthatforJonathenyouarebeingasuperjerktoday.
Jon:
James Bond doesn't exist.
Steve:
SomuchyouknowImethimandhesaid'histeveIhopeyouhaveaniceday'andhe'ssuchacoolguyand-.
Dan:
...And dumb blonde Agent Dark will get ¼ of the pay you all get, which is ½ of
Jo's pay.
Vel:
*Grumble* Lousy Daniel Carrington thinks Jo's all that...*Grumble*
Jo:
Am I not all that?
Vel:
You are a COMPLETE AND TOTAL MORON!
Jo:
*Japanese profanity* you!
Vel:
Since when are you so interested in Japan?
Jo:
Since I noticed it's such a small, kawaii little island!
Vel:
*sigh*
Dan:
Now, for the first mission, I want male, passed the test Agent Dark outta here.
Dark?
You will go to Area 51.
Jon:
Ok.
Jess:
Darn.
Vel:
Any particular reason you're sending Jon out there?
Dan:
Uhh...
Jo:
That's OBVIOUS!
Vel:
What?
Jo:
He's a spy, no?
Vel:
Yes, he's a spy.
Jo:
So he's going to SPY in Area 51! What else did you think that he'd do?
Dan:
Right, Jo! She's so smart...Joanna, I want you to go out and check out this
'Dr. Carroll' guy.
Jo:
Right.
Dan:
And dumb blonde? You can tag along with her.
Vel:
*Must...control...rage...* Okay, sir.
Dan:
Now Jo, here's a list of clever questions to ask me while we're in the dropship
going to this 'dataDyne' place.
Jo:
What's the target location?
Dan:
Wait until we get in the dropship.
~*In the Drop Ship*~
---The dropship is flying at 5 Kilometers Per
Hour---
Jo
Why the big hurry?
Dan:
If Dr. Carroll is not extracted tonight, your copyrights and trademarks will be
useless!
Jo:
Are they all expendable?
Dan:
Don't joke!
Jo:
I wasn't joking. I wanted to know if I have any extra copyrights lying around.
Dan:
Rare will keep them locked in a safe for you.
Jo:
Who's Rare?
Dan:
No time for that now, Joanna. Time for radio silence.
Jo:
What? Why? Won't you need to direct me around this building?
Dan:
Um...good luck, Perfect Dark!
Jo:
Good luck, Perfect Carrington!
Dan:
One more thing: try to get rid of that dumb blonde, will you?
Jo:
Yes, sir. I understand.
Dan:
Now what will you have to do again, Jo?
Vel:
I know! Go in and find and save Dr. Carroll!
Dan:
Is your name Jo? No!
Steve:NoJoNoJoheeheehee!
All
except Steve: Go away!
Steve:
Gone!
::Steve
jumps out of the DropShip. His lover, Jessica Dark, jumps out to save him. ::
Jess:
No!
Jo:
Eww, they're brother and sister and lovers at the same time? Oh
yes, Dan, my mission objectives! Let's see, my job here is to...just a sec, I
wrote it down here...Objective 1: Do the Dew!
Dan:
I like your thinking, Joanna. Take this Pepsi.
Jo:
I hate Pepsi!
Dan:
In that case...
::Daniel
Carrington throws a can of Pepsi at Velvet Dark, the resulting explosion
splattering fizzy soda-pop all over her nice new outift::
Dan
and Jo: Ha-hah!
Jo:
Okay, Mr. C. I'm gonna jump out now. *jumps onto dD building*
Vel:
Wait for me, Jo-or should I say, you lucky bitch! Yeah, that sounds
right...wait for me you lucky bitch!
~Until next time...~
Author's Note: So, what did you think? Was
it funny enough? I'll probably have Part 2 done before you read this, but I'm
afraid it's too long. I had to cut it as it is. Tell me what you think. I don't
even mind if you insult it. I'll take it gladly, because I need to learn
exactly what my audience likes. And don't take this the wrong way about
Steve-he and Jess are definately gone, in case I'm not allowed to add my own
characters.
P.S. If you want to give me direct feedback I can reply to, IM
me on AIM (Animefrenzygrrl) or email Animefrenzygrrl@hotmail.com
