My love…
**********
As
he prepared to die, Dermail stripped his upper body. He placed his right hand in the left part of his chest, finding
the spot where the pulse was strongest and easiest to find. This was where the pen would enter his
body.
He
took a deep breath and picked up the quill, turning it so the point was
pressing against his skin. As he
prepared to push it into his heart, the door to his office burst open.
"Grandfather! What are you thinking?"
"D-dorothy? Why are you here?" Dermail tried to smile, but failed miserably. The expression on his face looked more like
sorrow than mirth. I had forgotten
about women. About how strong they
are. It has been so long since she left
me behind…
"I
came as soon as I heard about Tsubarov.
I knew you would try to do something like this. Grandfather, how could you? Suicide is so dishonorable!"
"I
cannot live this way. Dorothy, please."
"Grandfather!"
"Please
let a broken old man die in peace."
**********
"Please,
Tsubarov. Let me die."
"No! If you die, than so do I. I-I love you, Dermail," he
faltered.
He loves me?! How can this be? He's just trying to make me feel guilty. That must be it. He doesn't really love me. He can't! For heaven's sake, we're
both *men*!
From the
expression on Tsubarov's face, he realized he must have said that last sentence
out loud.
"I'm
sorry. I should be going. I'll send John in to watch you. Please, forget any of this happened."
Well, I guess that
takes care of dying until I get this mess straightened out.
**********
"Dorothy, please. Let's see if *you* want to live after you
lose someone who you loved with all your heart."
Dorothy seemed taken
aback. Good.
"Grandfather, you seem to
have misunderstood me. I didn't say you
*can't* die, only that you can't commit suicide. I remember how I felt when Father died, though I know that that
was nothing compared to what you must feel.
I know that you want to join him after-"
"Iie. After death, one dies. There is no reunion with lost lovers."
"You don't know that. You've never died before."
Dermail had to chuckle at
that. It was a bittersweet sound. If only that were true. If only…
She is so naïve. The times we
live in have gotten to her, and she lives only for the fight. But the kindness she has in her rejects
this, and so she must believe that there is life after death. If she didn't, the conflicting forces would
tear her apart.
"Granddaughter, if I do
not kill myself, then who will? Unless
I turn myself over to the Treize faction, which is even more dishonorable than
suicide, no one will kill me." Isn't
it ironic that I am discussing so calmly the ways I have of dying with my
granddaughter, who is very much alive, and has many, many more years left to
her. She is so much like him.
"Grandfather, you do still
have control of the OZ space force, correct?"
"Yes…"
"I think that you should
go out to space. You can get yourself
killed in battle."
"Along with how many
countless innocents?"
"Why, I didn't think that
would matter to you, as long as you got to die."
"You're right
Dorothy. As usual." It seems that I *don't* care who else
dies in order for me to fulfill my dream.
Dorothy has more insight than I would have thought. Even if those people have known love, I do
not know them, and therefore don't care.
**********
"My God, Tsubarov, you
can't! I love you too much to risk
losing you."
Tsubarov
turned and looked at him with a peculiar expression on his face. "You love me?"
"Yes. I do.
You've been my anchor for so long that I've fallen for you. And I won't let you die on me now!" Dermail crossed the
room and grabbed Tsubarov's face, kissing him fiercely. Unlike many of their other kisses, affection
on the part of Dermail was present.
By
that evening, Tsubarov was finally able to call his love his lover. And Tsubarov didn't leave to fight a losing
battle where he would have been killed.
**********
Dorothy was startled, but
not really surprised, to see tears falling down her grandfather's cheeks. With all he'd been through…
She turned to leave, sure
that now he wouldn't be so bent on killing himself. Though if he did… well, the grief on his face was enough to show
her that true love was hard to come by, and should be treated with respect and
deference to wishes when encountered.
Dermail was happy enough
to be left alone with his memories. He
wanted so badly to leave. To die. Dorothy is a fool. She thinks that I will be okay. I will never be okay. I have never been okay since she… However, I suppose that, as my last living
blood relative, I should at least listen to her wishes. I'll update my will since Tsu-chan isn't
here to receive my possessions, and I have his as well. Then, I *will* die, and nothing in an
imagined Heaven or on Earth can stop me.
I think I will follow Dorothy's advice and head out to space.
**********
"Do you have to leave me?" he asked, knowing the answer already.
"I know that
you loved him, but still… Can't I at
least come with you? I hate being away
from you, even for a day."
"No. I do not want her spirit to
be angry with me for finding a new love.
And I *must* go to my son's funeral.
If I were not to go…" Dermail trailed off. "But always remember that you are my koi."
Before he left, Tsubarov hugged him tightly,
simply reveling in the awareness that this perfect man let him do this. Even to a casual observer, it was obvious
that they were deeply in love. The
unguarded looks on their faces would make all but the coldest of hearts feel
happy for the two of them.
As Dermail was on a train traveling to his
son's funeral, he thought about his lover.
He
loves me so much. I truly do not
deserve him. He should have one who
isn't running. Because I know very well
that that is what I am doing. My death
has been postponed. Merely postponed,
for I *will* die someday, after him.
Until then, I am running from my wife.
Running from the anger I know she would feel if she were watching me
from someplace… But she isn't. I don't know why I get the feeling that I am
constantly under her scrutiny, but I do.
My wife was a great woman. She
could brighten a gloomy day, and when the stress of being a member of a secret
organization grew to be too much, it was always her who was there with a warm
towel and a story. She was all any man
could ask for. The day she died… He shuddered. It was a stormy day, and she was outside
with her baby trees. Talking to them,
telling them they could make it through this challenge. One of the branches from a larger tree
fell… She looked awful. Even after they washed off the blood and put
in support for her head. She looked
unnatural. I have heard that dead
people look like they are sleeping. She
looked dead. When she was still alive,
she was tolerant of everything. Or, almost
everything. The only thing that she
couldn't stand was homosexuality between two men. She could handle it if two women were in love, but not two
men. Maybe she recognized the way that
Tsubarov looked at me and knew she had competition. I don't really know why.
I loved her very much. And now,
I have to be around my family. They
know that Tsubarov and I are more than just friends, but no one wants to bring
it up. That's fine with me. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is to die. But I cannot leave him behind. He has grown to mean more to me than anyone
except her. And I know that he was
serious when he said he would follow me if I died. I cannot share this death wish with anyone, especially not
him. It is too much of a burden. For a soldier, this is an inappropriate
feeling, yet I cannot quench it. I want
to die.
**********
Dermail looked down upon
Earth as his shuttle took off for outer space.
Farewell, Mother. From
you I came, and to you I shall soon return. Dorothy, I know you understand, so
goodbyes would be useless.
"Sir. There are several mobile suits ahead."
"What are you waiting
for? Send out the mobile dolls!"
"Yes, sir!"
As the manned suits and
the mobile dolls fought, one suit managed to get a shot aimed at Dermail's
craft.
As it exploded, he said,
"This shouldn't be. Why must I die like
this?" I have wanted to die for
so long, but now that I finally am, I find myself wanting to live. I suppose that, in the end, it is a basic
instinct to want to survive.
**********
Dorothy
was watching the scene from the Romefeller Foundation's headquarters. As she watched her grandfather's ship
explode, she yelled, "Grandfather!"
Turning away from the awful sight, she added, "I won't cry, dear
Grandfather. You were just magnificent,
because, in the end you departed this world as a courageous soldier, in
battle." I know that you have wanted
this death for many, many years, and I won't hold a grudge. Now, finally, you can be with Grandmother
again. I know that you don't believe
this, but *I* do. I wonder what
Tsubarov and Grandmother will say when they meet each other… Farewell, dearest Grandfather. May you rest in peace at last.
This is a product of my warped imagination. Actually, if you've made it this far, you
must have an extremely strong stomach.
I
wrote this to protest the attitude that everyone has concerning yaoi. People generally enjoy reading fics
involving only young, handsome guys. Dermail
and Tsubarov are obviously *not* young and handsome. So, there's motivation.
I
know, they're really OOC, but… They did
it themselves! They wouldn't stay in
character. Never fear, though, they're
being punished.
*Screams
are heard in the background. A few
words can be made out, such as, 'Barney!', 'Teletubbies…', 'Relena. Please, not Relena!', and 'Dr. J and Pro. G? I did *not* need to see that!'*
Ja
ne!
Kioku
