A/N: I found My Immortal today…and I decided that I was going to do an honest, in depth investigation into the horrendousness of this fanfiction and its effects on its readers.

My Immortal Timeline
January 4th, 2010
1735 hours

Began investigation into this so-called 'Worst-Fanfiction-Ever' after discovering the Mary Sue Lithmus Test on YouTube where numerous mentions of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way were made.

Curious, I posted a question inquiring as to the content of My Immortal. Impatient for a response, I google'd the name and clicked upon the first available link at "/My_Immortal."

Scrolling down the page, my curiosity – which had moved from piqued to rabid – prompted me to click to the link leading to ".."

I read the brief introduction and took note that this fic was "retarded" and "infamous for its horrible abuse to the english language and extreme gothic attitude".

1741 hours

I clicked on the link for Chapters 1 – 22.

I started reading.

1742

Completed the first chapter.

Am curious as to what "limpid tears" are.

Also…who is Gerard Way?

1745

Begin Chapter 2.

1747

Completed Chapter 2.

Question as to how Ebony knew it was snowing and raining outside if she still in her coffin.

Am curious as to what MCR means.

Also, OMFG.

Additionally question why Good Charlotte would be playing at Hogsmeade.

Am surprisingly curious as to whether Ebony said yes to Draco's invitation.

1749

Begin Chapter 3

1754

Feel vaguely queasy.

Could not understand the AN at the beginning so I typed Flamming into Word to clarify; was automatically changed to Flaming. Am curious as to whether or not the author intentionally circumvented spell check.

Am beginning to think that Ebony is one hell of a magician – she managed to straighten her hair and spike it at the same time.

Would like to know why Ebony bothered with make-up in the previous chapter if she's so naturally pale.

Would like to know what depressing book Ebony was reading in case I ever decide to slit my wrist so I'll have some reading material while I wait for the ambulance to arrive.

Also curious as to when Draco Malfoy learned to drive a car. Also, when the author says flew, are they being literal?

Would like some of the drugs they smoked to help with the queasiness.

The question arose as to Draco Malfoy's sexuality and sensitivity when I managed to comprehend that apparently Draco Malfoy has a man-crush on Joel Madden and is unwilling to enjoy the company of anybody who might like him better than he does.

Believe that Ebony's magical powers might extend to telepathy.

Was surprised to discover my face was suddenly several centimeters longer since my jaw had dropped and my eyebrows had risen slightly by the end of this chapter.

Am determined to press onwards, however.

1800

Begin Chapter 4

1806

Still can't read the AN save for the fact that the author managed to spell Flaming correctly this time.

Am considering applauding.

Am curious as to how Ebony became Enoby.

Assume that Draco Malfoy landed the flying car before walking out of it. Alternatively consider that maybe Enoby and Draco have developed the power of flight.

Put forth the hypothesis that perhaps being around Enoby is like being around a CDC lab – any magical power she develops may leech into other people.

Move back several inches from my computer screen just in case.

Apparently Enoby is still Ebony.

Consider that perhaps Ebony/Enoby is also in possession of a split personality.

Believe that Enoby/Ebony is sincerely fucked up since depressing sorrow and evilness apparently turn her on.

Alternatively consider the possibility that Enoby/Ebony is a teenager.

Re-read Chapter One and ascertain the correctness of my assumption.

Re-read Chapter Four and decide that Enoby/Ebony is a dumb teenager.

Have reached a wall of confusion. Something suddenly happened and then they were making out keenly.

Am curious as to what suddenly happened.

Am also curious as to how one makes out keenly.

Question how one "of's" one's clothes.

Have decided that the word off has one f too many for the author to type.

Is it significant that Enoby/Ebony even took off her bra? Is there some special meaning behind why she wouldn't?

Would like to go up to the next person I see and ask them if they would like to stick their thingie into my you-know-what in order to see what happens.

Expect mystification to be their first response, which would fall in line with mine.

Believe that author was a twelve year-old who used these phrasings because they sincerely didn't know what a penis and vagina were.

Or perhaps they were simply confused as to who had what.

Wondering where one would go to get an orgasm. Am curious as to whether or not one can be bought using Visa or if it's cash only.

Giggle because in addition to failing to use correct terminology or even feasible alternatives for penis and vagina, the author also failed to correctly spell Motherfuckers.

Laugh a little hysterically – and not in a good way – because apparently Dumbledore swears now.

Am beginning to get a headache but am determined to plow onwards, which also could have been used as an acceptable substitute in place of "putting his thingie into my you-know-what."

1817

Being Chapter Five…God help me.

1818

The headache continues.

Have little idea what a prep or a posr are, but will gladly accept the title.

Am beginning to believe the devil had a hand in making this.

Am curious as why Dumbledore and Headaches equates to a motherfucker.

Giggle because Dumbledore calls them "ludacris fools."

Have firmly decided that spell-check was turned off during the writing of this…thing.

Am impressed that the author has found a new way to say pale.

Laugh because Dumbledore says "sexual intercourse." Continue laughing because I have a mental picture of Dumbledore screaming "What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers?" in ghetto drag.

Believe that the author was confused when they put mediocre in front of dunces.

Who calls anybody a dunce anymore? Cannot remember the last time anybody used the word mediocre in a reprimand for having sex. Can understand how McGonagall would have felt that way is she were Enoby/Ebony and was about to purchase an orgasm when Dumbledore interrupts and calls her a motherfucker…

Cringe at the mental image of McGonagall having sex.

Am gobsmacked that a teenage boy would admit to loving someone in front of adults after they had sex while he was in a depressed and suicidal mood.

Rethink my previous statement.

Shudder at the blatant OOCness of Snape.

Revisit the belief that the author was on drugs while writing this.

Am curious as to what happened to the MCR shirt.

Laugh because who the hell wears high heels to bed?

Decide that Draco Malfoy has become the latest victim of body snatchers. Am curious as to who the hell his current replacement really is.

1840

Will be posting the next Chapter within a half an hour or so after taking a short break for my sanity and snacks.

A/N: This fic only makes sense if you've read My Immortal. If you haven't read it…I really want to tell you not to, but my conscience only extends so far.