Title: I Want to Want You, But I Know I Can't
Author: Me
Pairing: Neville/Luna
Rating: M
Summary: Neville and Luna during Deathly Hallows.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
A/N: Well, apparently all a do know is write Harry Potter fanfic, which would be a bit annoying if it wasn't so fun. Anyway, I'm really glad I got around to writing Neville/Luna, cause they're one of my favorite HP pairings (and quite possibly the only non-canon couple I ship.) And I know I'm probably not the first person to think there was something going on between them during Deathly Hallows, but whatever. Super big thanks to tevildo at Perfect Imagination beta-ing this for me. Thank you a million times over :)
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Neville's heard rumours that hardship tends to make people let out a bit of sexual tension. That war brings out that side of people: the dirty, flirty, let's-have-sex-just-for-the-hell-of-it side. That it's hot when two people who have just been fighting for their lives have a little fun.
This still doesn't explain why he's been fucking Luna for the last three months.
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It starts one cold night in September.
They've just wrapped up a D.A. meeting, and, as he's sending Ginny off with the last group, he sees Luna crying. Neville's only ever seen her cry once, and that was just a tear at Dumbledore's funeral that she quickly wiped away.
But this time she's crying, really crying, so much so that he doubts she knows he's there.
"Um… Luna?"
Her head darts up. "Oh, Neville… you're still here," Luna says in a stiff voice that doesn't belong to her.
"Yeah… are you okay?" he asks, walking up to her.
"I'm fine," she says, drying her eyes. "Just looking around the room. It's nice, very pickley."
Her eyes are still puffy and there's a look in them that seems very un-Luna-ish. Neville's not sure whether to run or hug her, and then she starts crying again and the move is clear. In a moment, Luna's arms are wrapped tightly around him.
"You know," she says, tears still falling from her eyes, "I think I feel a Wrackspurt. Don't you?" She looks at him seriously, and Neville is happy to find that things are retuning to normal.
And then she kisses him and he doesn't know what to think.
Her lips are soft and taste like pudding, and she must have done this before because people aren't this good on their first try. (Of course, Neville wouldn't know; he's only ever kissed Ginny after the Yule Ball, and that didn't exactly go smoothly.) And then she's going for his belt and—
"What are you doing?" he suddenly finds himself asking.
"What do you mean?" she asks earnestly, and although her eyes are still teary they seem to have their natural surprised look back. At least some things were normal.
Her lips are on his again.
"Luna—" Neville tries, but she doesn't seem to understand, so he changes tactics: "Why me?"
At this, Luna seems to be stumped, and she takes a long time picking her words. (Or is she just looking for an answer?) "Because you're Neville."
He finds this pretty odd.
But then she's kissing him again, and he does really like pudding, and—when did that bed get here? (Well, they are in the Room of Requirement after all.)
However, as they hit the mattress and start kissing more furiously, Neville can't help but think that Luna picking him has more to do with him being there than anything else.
He's not that far off.
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It happens again.
A few days later, she's crying and he comforts her and they kiss.
Only this time he doesn't ask questions.
And when it happens again there's no pretending. She's waiting for him at the end of the meeting, her normal Luna-demeanour intact.
Only things aren't normal, because she's waiting for him to fuck her. And that's not normal.
Or at least it didn't use to be. Now Neville's not so sure.
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"Do you love me?' he asks after one of their trysts.
"Of course I do. You're my friend." She's not mean or cruel about it, and there's no tone of dislike in her voice; she's smiling her normal Luna-smile and being honest with him.
And that's what upsets him.
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Neville finds it a bit depressing that the first time he has something even remotely close to a girlfriend he's got to keep it a secret.
She never acts weird when they're in public.
She never acts out of the ordinary at all (well, for Luna's standards at least). In the real world, it's as though they're just friends, as though all that goes on behind closed doors is a dizzy fantasy.
And, Neville thinks, maybe that's all it really is.
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A part of him wants to quit her, because this isn't healthy. It's fun and exiting and makes him feel amazing, but it's not, can't be, healthy.
Neville's always been a little fragile. He needs a relationship with real love and passion, and this will never be real, at least not real enough.
But Neville won't quit; he knows he can't.
It's because of that moment.
That moment right before Luna's about to come, when she's moaning his name and rocking around and, just for a second, needs him.
Neville can't remember a time when he's ever been needed. Not really needed anyway.
And maybe that's all love is: one person needing another.
It's a lie, but Neville doesn't care.
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Right before Christmas, Neville finally gets up the courage and asks her, "Why are we doing this?"
He expects her to say something like "Why are we doing what?" or ignore the question completely; he's learned to expect things like that from her. Straight answers are clearly an idea she's never heard of.
But this time that's exactly what he gets. Luna looks up at him, a serious look plastered on her face, and says in a clear voice, "We're doing this because there's a war going on and people are dying and we need to feel happy about something, even if that something's just a meaningless fuck here and there."
She doesn't sugar-coat it for him, but Neville's happy about it. If all he ever gets are sweet, untrue answers, he'll never get anywhere.
"Okay," he says softly, leaning in for a kiss.
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She doesn't come back after Christmas, and Neville's not sure if anything's ever made him this unhappy.
And things sort of go back to normal, although Neville can't be sure because fucking Luna has sort of become normal.
But now she's gone so that can't be normal.
Neville can't help but notice that his 'normal' seems to change a lot.
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When he receives a message from her months later, learning that she's safe and being well-cared for, Neville feels a huge amount of relief.
But he's not sure what for.
Neville can't tell if it's because she's safe, or because he knows one of his best friends isn't dead, or, and he really hopes this isn't it, because his fuck-buddy won't be gone forever just yet.
He later finds out that last one wasn't it.
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When everything's about to happen, he calls her first.
And she comes.
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After the war was fought and won, they finally talk.
"Well, it's been quite a year," he begins, sitting down next to her on a bench.
"Yes, it has," she says softly, eyeing some of his admirers; "not average in the least."
"Yeah, but we had some fun."
"Yes, we did."
In that moment, it's clear: whatever it was they shared this year (Neville's still not completely sure), it was to stay their little secret.
And, oddly enough, Neville isn't all that upset. This is the way things are supposed to be.
"I did love you though," she whispers after a moment.
"What?"
"When you asked me if I loved you, I did. And not just as a friend." She's not really looking at him, although Neville can tell that her face is expressionless.
"I did too." And Neville suddenly realises he did.
Neither one of them mentions that they don't love each other that way anymore. Both of them know it will ruin the moment.
And, as they hug and Luna walks off, Neville can't help but feel glad that it did happen.
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So, what do you all think? As always, reviews are loved :)