A Room With A Moose: The Fight For Mankind

by the Raven of Roses

ok, so its not really about moose. this is a fic...uh, SUPPOSED to be about tak, but whatever. its about Taks return to earth and how everybody wants to destroy the world, but now theyre fighting over WHO gets to destroy it. i hate summaries. done! yay

1. Taks return and the plot of Zim and Gaz

1-23-05

Author's Note: Well, here we are again. This is a zimfic, as it was noted on the little category thingy. This one should be fun. It's about Tak's return to Earth and how Dib is forced to make a choice. SHOULD HE EVEN BOTHER TO GO TO SKOOL TODAY? Damn, I have no idea where that come from. I must be tired...Anyway, I've been itching to do a fic about Tak for awhile now. She's awesome, and thanks to the death of the series, her character was never really developed. This allows for much fun in working with her. It's related to me other zimfics, "Desperation" and "Alien Encounters," so there's some references you may not get if you've been bad and not read them. Have fun, and remember- BEWARE THE MOOSE.

(extra note of DOOM: I'm not Jhonen. Don't sue me.)

-Raven

"Dib..."

"Yes, Gaz?"

"Why was there blood on my razor?"

"It, um, fell, and cut me-"

Gaz's glare cut through Dib's head, and he fell silent.

"I thought we agreed that you weren't going to do that anymore. Do you want to go back to therapy?"

"No..."

"Come on, Dib. Talk."

"There's nothing wrong."

"The razor begs to differ."

"It's just the kids at skool. Nothing serious."

"If I ever catch you doing that again, you WILL wish I'd never been born."

"I know..."

Gaz gave Dib an unexpected hug and rushed off to her room, blinking tears out of her eyes. Dammit, she wasn't supposed to cry. Why did her hormones have to do this to her? It made her feel weak. She threw herself onto her bed and let her shields down. They made dealing with human emotions harder than it had to be, and anyway, she was ready for a break.

Dib sat downstairs in front of the television, going through some old files on his laptop. The Chickenfoot case had been closed so long ago, he was almost disgusted with himself for having left it in the folder. Delete, and more delete. Half the cases gone. All that remained were the good ones, the files that hadn't been fully explored and solved.

There was a pounding at the door. Probably the storm. The house shook once, twice, and was still. Nothing more happened for a long time. Then a pitiful mewling sound. Dib, confused, got up and went to the door.

He opened it to see a small SIR unit clawing at the ground, dragging a crumpled green form toward the doorway. It mewled again and stared up at Dib, something like tears shining in its eyes. Rain poured down outside, and the green thing was giving off clouds of steam and shaking uncontrollably.

"What the hell?"

"Please..." the SIR unit rasped in a voice that may have once been pretty. "Help us...the rain will kill her..."

Dib just stood there, mouth agape. What trickery was this?

Mimi had been struggling for hours. The ship crashed in a cornfield outside of town, but the remoteness of the place had proven disastrous when the storm hit. Mimi wasn't affected by the water, being made of metal, but her mistress...

Keep going. Must get Mistress to safety. Where to go? Nothing friendly here. Just danger.

A dim glow of recognition lit up Mimi's red eyes. There was a human, small with a large head, that her mistress had shown interest in. Perhaps he could be of help. But he hated her race. He might just kill them both.

What else was there to do? She was protecting the mistress as best she could from the rain, but her body was too small to keep the Irken dry. She was sure to die soon.

Now the human stood in front of them, doing nothing while her mistress faded away. Mimi shrieked, a purely mechanical screech coming from the place that was her throat. The human started, then spoke.

"What are you doing here?"

"Mistress hurt. Help us..."

"Why should I help you?"

Mimi gave a strangled sob. "She's almost dead! Help us, please...we have nowhere to go..."

"What about Zim?"

"He hates us! He'll kill her while she's weak! Help us, please!"

Dib debated. On one hand, the two were his enemies, the Irkens. But they were also in trouble. And they hated Zim. Decision made.

"Come on. We should get her out of the rain. Mimi, go upstairs. There's a room that's unlocked. Get a blanket from the bed. I'll be drying her off."

Mimi nodded and scampered off, holographic kitty-image flickering intermittently.

"Okay, Tak, let's get you dry."

Not knowing what else to do, Dib went to the closet, returning with several towels. The Irken was severely burned, and enough water remained on her skin that she was still burning alive. He was a bit hesitant to remove the thing's clothing. After all, it was female. But what could he do?

"Gaz!"

"What?"

"I need your help! Now!"

"Did you try to kill yourself again? Because if you did, I'm not saving you again!"

"No! It's Tak! She's hurt!"

"WHAT?"

Gaz was downstairs before Dib could blink. "Oh, God, we have to get her dry!"

"I know that. But...er, she's a girl, and, um..."

"Just go, idiot. I'll take care of it. Where's Mimi?"

The SIR unit returned with a blanket and a pillow.

"Good girl, Mimi. Dib, go get something for her to eat." Gaz loved being in charge.

"But she's allergic to-"

"Not to pizza. And Mimi can tell you what she can drink. Go!"

Dib did as he was told, wondering how it was that he was suddenly removed from the leader position. There was pizza in the fridge, and Mimi quickly informed him that Tak had developed a resistance to soda. By the time he came back, Gaz had Tak dressed in one of her old nightgowns and was wrapping the small Irken in the blanket.

"Good. Now we have to wait until she wakes up. Her backpack is already correcting the damage done by the rain."

Gaz was right. A weird blue glow had surrounded Tak, and the scars from the water were slowly fading away. It was a strange thing to watch.

"She looks just like a little Irken smeetch," breathed Gaz, smiling at the sleeping alien.

Dib gave his sister a strange look but refrained from saying anything.

"Will she be alright?" Mimi asked, concern somehow present in her metallic voice.

"Yeah, I think so. When she wakes up, we'll give her some pizza. A good rest and some food and she'll be fine."

"Uh, Gaz?"

"Yes?"

"How did you know about the pizza thing?"

Gaz gave her brother a scary grin. "Let's just say...I've done my research."

Violet eyes opened. Look around. Where am I? Not the ship. Can't be the ship. Ugh, my head...I feel like I've been blindsided by a Shnorklian Blunderbeast...Wait. Mimi? Where is she? Oh, please don't let her be gone...What if I'm in a dissection room? No, no, the walls are too cheery, and I'm lying in something soft. No decent operating room would bother to give its subjects comfort...

Oh, Tallest, no. A human! Purple hair. Do I recognize this one? I think so. Maybe she'll be pitying...No. Never are the humans pitying when an alien is in their midst.

"Tak, how are you feeling?"

"I..." Can't talk. That's not good.

"Here. Drink this."

No, you fool! I'll be burned alive!

Cool liquid. Not burning. Soda? How could Earth soda not burn?

"Feeling any better?"

"I...hate you! What have you done to me? Release me this instant!"

"Calm down, Tak. You're safe. Dib saved you. Well, I helped, but he got you inside. Poor Mimi dragged you for miles, she told us. Are you okay? You were burned pretty badly."

Remember...crash. Rain. Burning. So much pain. Darkness. No pain now. No rain. Good. Perhaps I'm well again.

"Tak?"

"I'm fine. In fact, I'm leaving." Stand up. Bad idea. Ground. Cold ground.

"Uh, Tak, I don't think you're in any state to be going anywhere."

"Besides, the storm hasn't let up. You think it would be very smart?" Dib appeared behind Tak, a can of soda in his hand.

"Fine, human. I stay. But you WILL pay if any harm comes to me or my robot."

Mimi chose that moment to enter the room. Her eyes lit up when she saw Tak awake, and the robot launched herself at her mistress, nearly running her over.

"Mistress! You're awake!" Mimi's voice was back as well, the rich English alto wavering slightly with emotion.

"Mimi! You're alive!"

"Cue tearful reunion sequence," muttered Dib.

"Shut up, human," his sister snapped.

Mimi helped Tak up onto the couch and into the blanket. The Irken smiled and gave her robot a pat on the head. Mimi purred loudly, causing Dib to give his sister a strange look.

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

Tak's sneer was strong, though her body wasn't quite up to par. "What now, humans? An autopsy room?"

"No. That would be disgusting. I'm out of here. Dib's the one that brought you home; he'll deal with you. I've got to make a phone call."

Gaz smirked and left.

"So you are the one who decided to help me?"

Dib looked uncomfortable. "Yeah."

"I was under the impression that you hated aliens."

"Well, you were hurt..." muttered Dib, fidgeting.

"Stand still, idiot. Let me look at you for a moment." Violet eyes gave Dib the once-over. "You're taller than before."

"It's been awhile since you were here last. Humans get taller as they grow up."

"Hmph. Grow up. You look just as immature as before, and you act like it, too. Growing older, maybe, but up? Laughable." A haughty flame of disdain was ignited on the Irken's features.

It took a rather large effort to keep from strangling Tak. Dib gave a forced smile and laughed tersely. The disdain faded, though a certain condescending tone still remained in Tak's voice.

"Do excuse me. I am not well. You do deserve my thanks for your assistance, and do extend my gratitude to your sister. She is your sister, correct?"

"Yes. And you're welcome. Do you want anything to eat? Gaz says that pizza's okay for you."

"Yes, thanks. I'm starved. Or nearly so."

Dib returned a moment later with the pizza, which Tak devoured greedily. Perhaps it was her injuries, but she seemed rather civil. Almost too much so.

"Human, fetch me more of that soda. I require liquids!"

Nevermind.

"Yes, Tak." Dib rolled his eyes and headed back into the kitchen.

"Hello?"

"HI, PERSON!"

"GIR, can you go get Zim?"

"Can I have some TACOS?"

"Yes, GIR. Now will you please get Zim? I need to talk to him."

"Okee-dokee!" A muffled thud, then "Master! The purple-hair girl wants to talk to you!"

Another muffled thud, then the familiar voice of Gaz's friend. "GIR, leave me BE! This may be SERIOUS. Hello?"

"Zim?"

"Yes, this is ZIM!"

"You're doing it again."

"Oh. Er...yes, this is Zim."

"Much better. Now, Zim, don't freak out on me, okay?"

"Why would I-"

"Because you're you and I know you. Just promise, okay?"

"Fine, fine, whatever. Just tell me whatever it is so I can get back to experimenting on Earth weasels."

"You disturb me. Anyway, we just found your little friend."

"Who?"

"Promise you won't freak out?"

"I already SAID I promised!"

"No yelling."

"Sorry..."

"And getting back on subject, Tak is here."

"WHAT!"

"You promised not to freak out."

Heavy, ragged breathing. "I'm not 'freaking out,' I'm hyperventilating. There's a difference. And you're sure it's her? It's not some other Irken, is it?"

"Unless there's another Irken female with an English accent and a robot that turns into a cat, it's her."

Zim swore under his breath. "She's going to attempt to destroy your planet!"

"I don't think so. The girl was pretty badly hurt. She got caught in the storm. Mimi apparently dragged her from some miles away. Tak's not going to be doing any destroying for awhile."

"But Gaz-"

"Let her rest."

"I'm coming over to deal with-"

"No. I said let her rest. She does NOT need you attempting murder on top of everything else. I just thought I'd let you know that she was here. Good night, Zim."

"But-"

"Good NIGHT."

"Eh...good night...Gaz..."

Gaz smiled and hung up. Such a polite little alien.

The next morning found Tak curled up on the couch, arms tightly wrapped around her legs and in the fetal position. Mimi was fast asleep beside her on the floor, a low purring emanating from her metal body. Neither stirred as Dib and Gaz went about their morning rituals.

"Do you want to stay home with them, or should I?" Gaz was whispering, pulling out a box of cereal.

"I can. Go ahead to skool. Say I'm sick or something."

"You won't do anything stupid, I hope?"

"No, Gaz, I won't do anything stupid."

"Good. Because if you do-"

"I know, I know. You won't save me next time. I promise not to do something like that."

"Okay, well, tell Sleeping Beauty I said hello. See you after skool."

Gaz turned to leave, and a small flicker of distrust passed before her features. She still couldn't bring herself to take his word seriously. It saddened Dib, but also made him feel somewhat relieved. If he ever did start up again, she would know.

"See ya, Gaz."

No response apart from a small grin. Gaz closed the door behind her, the thud echoing through the house.

"Great. Now what do I do?"

"Stop making such a racket, human! I'm trying to sleep here!"

Ah, the Irken was awake. Dib turned to see Tak sitting up on the couch, staring at him disdainfully. Her violet eyes were scanning the room as if habitually looking out for danger, and the tense alertness in her posture reminded Dib of a caged animal. A small hiss of air was breathed out, and the Irken spoke again.

"I suppose you think this is funny, human? A great Invader rendered helpless at the feet of an enemy, imagine that. You are going to kill me now, I suppose."

"No, of course not! Why would I kill you?"

Tak's sarcastic grin was matched only by the scorn in her voice, weak though she was. "I am of the species you have sworn to protect mankind from. It is only natural that a highly trained-what was it-paranormal investigator such as yourself would wish to have me exterminated immediately."

"Mistress..." murmured Mimi in warning, wide awake and terrified out of her metal mind.

"Well, human, I hope it makes you happy to extinguish the life-force from a defenseless being, enemy or not. So go ahead, I'm waiting."

Nothing happened. Dib just stood stock-still, barely breathing. He couldn't kill her. She was completely defenseless. It wouldn't be fair. It couldn't end that way. If he ever destroyed Tak, it would be in a battle of life and death, both of them at their terrible best. It wasn't time.

But she was defenseless. It was the perfect time to rid the world of a psychotic menace. All he had to do was snap the thing's neck. That or remove her backpack. It was her weak point, after all. It would be so easy...

Of course not. He wouldn't kill her. She hated Zim. Perhaps Tak could prove useful. Perhaps he should stop musing and do something already.

"I'm not going to kill you."

"Why not?" Utter shock.

"Because you're defenseless. I couldn't kill you now. It wouldn't be fair."

"Ah, of course. You humans and your honor. Irkens are lucky, I suppose. We have nothing resembling honor. It makes things much easier on us." Tak sighed and let herself crumple back into the blanket. "Well, if you're not planning on killing me, at least get me some more of that pizza substance."

Dib shook his head and went to the kitchen. This was going to be a long day.

The human was acting very strange. Granted, Tak had befriended it for a short time when she had been on Earth last, but it was certainly unsettling. It showed no aggression, seemed to see her as some sort of invalid, and this was most irritating. It felt the need to care for her, which was perhaps the most maddening thing of all.

And no matter how far Tak went out of her way to irritate it, the human refused to become angry. It went on obeying her commands without complaint, bearing the brunt of her abuse with an at least somewhat calm demeanor. Absolutely MADDENING.

"Tak, you can relax. I'm not planning anything. Just eat your pizza. If you need anything, just tell me." The human made a happy gesture with its mouth.

"Alright, human, I suppose I will."

"Dib."

"What did you say?"

"You can call me Dib. We used to be friends, remember?"

"That was a long time ago."

"I know, but that shouldn't matter."

"You have strange ideas of friendship...Dib."

"Yes, I know I do."

The Dib went away into the kitchen, leaving Tak alone with her thoughts. And Mimi, but Mimi was asleep again and not much use for company.

"So the traitorous female is residing with you, human?"

"Yes, Zim, Tak is staying with us. And my name is Gaz, remember?"

"Eh, yes...Gaz. And I suppose 'human' wasn't exactly the correct..."

"No. No, it wasn't." Gaz smiled and rolled her eyes. "Why so meek today, Space Boy?"

"Meek? The mighty ZIM is NEVER MEEK!"

"Uh-huh, just keep telling yourself that. Anyway, you'll be happy to know that the girl is a complete mess. She can't even stand up on her own, let alone destroy the planet. You don't have to worry about her taking your mission."

"Zim NEVER WORRIES about-"

"Zim, quit yelling."

"Oh. Er...Zim never worries about...stuff. Nevermind. But you're certain of Tak's weakness? You are sure that she isn't merely faking it to catch you off-guard?"

"I'm sure. How long would it take to recover from being held underwater for an hour?"

A silence, then "Point taken. Tak was badly injured. You should just kill her now."

"Why bother? If we're nice, maybe she'll spare the planet."

"You and I both know that's not going to happen."

"What's wrong, Zim? You going soft?"

The bell rang, cutting off Zim's angry reply. As it was, the teacher caught the tail end of his cursing and sent him out into the hall. Even as freshmen the teenagers were ridiculously repressed.

Gaz grinned. This wasn't the first time she'd gotten Zim into trouble. The Irken had developed a surprisingly foul mouth over the past few years, and it was too much to resist goading him into using his extensive vocabulary. The teachers had all become accustomed to it by now, but it was standard procedure. And so Zim got yet another detention slip.

Again, a grin. The shrill screams of expletives in various languages, few of them human, could be heard from the hallway as the teacher went to deal with the Irken. Sounded like a suspension today. She reclined back in her seat, taking advantage of this free time to listen to some music. Green Day blared through her headphones, almost drowning out the yelling. It was going to be a good day.

"Tell me, Dib, have the humans begun to believe you yet?"

"About what?"

"Aliens, Zim, myself, that sort of thing."

"Not really."

"That is a shame. I know how you must be feeling."

"Yeah. Right."

Dib sat down in front of Tak on the ground, staring thoughtfully at her. A touch of sarcasm laced his words, but mostly he spoke the bitter truth. Tak's violet gaze was penetrating, reading his thoughts.

"Yes, Dib, I do believe I realize your frustration. Do not forget that my people abandoned me when I was unable to take the invader's test. I have spent years harboring a hatred of them, much as you have spent years in darkness. No one believes your theories, your stories, not even when the evidence is right in front of them. Now you are beginning to wonder if mankind really deserves salvation."

Dib's face reddened. "I wasn't aware that your telepathic abilities were returning..."

"It's not telepathy, human. I'm speaking out of experience. We really are quite alike, you know."

Dib refused to comment on the Irken's defense. He shook his head, stood, and left the room. Tak could stand to be alone for awhile.

Tak laughed to herself. How easy it was to manipulate humans. She didn't even have to use telepathy. Of course, the human had proven nice enough, but there was no guarantee that he wouldn't betray her in the end. An old Irken maxim came to her, one of the first that were drilled into every soldier's brainmeats.

"There are no friends. There are only enemies and allies."

And another.

"Allies must be held with more suspicion than enemies."

If this Dib human was to become an ally, much precaution needed to be taken to ensure that he did not bring about her downfall.

Never did it occur to Tak that perhaps the human was being sincere. It was not the Irken way.

"Hello? Zim? Sorry about today."

click.

Several weeks had passed, and Gaz had gotten Zim into even more trouble than usual. Open fighting at skool resulted in ten-day suspensions, after all. Now the Irken was refusing to talk to her, and to make things worse, her brother had started doing stupid things again.

There was blood on the razor again. Then a knife from the kitchen went missing. Dib was much quieter than normal. And Tak had been whispering in his ear for a month about death and the futility of his efforts to protect the planet from destruction. It was getting to him, it seemed.

Gaz put down the phone and sighed. It was now that she could really have used someone to talk to about all this. A thirteen-year-old girl should NOT have to worry about that much. But through her own stupid fault, she was alone again.

Well, there was Tak. But it was highly unlikely that the Irken would understand. Nevertheless, she WAS a girl, albeit a girl of a different species. Gaz stood, stretched, and put up her mental shields.

"Tak?"

"What, Gaz?"

"You and I need to talk."

"What about?" Honeyed acid coated every sound that the Irken uttered.

"My brother. You've been driving him insane."

"Have I? Well, that's just too bad for you. I like messing with human minds. They are so easy to manipulate. But of course you already know that, don't you, Gaz?"

"What do you mean?" Wary, Gaz averted her gaze, as if she could ward off Tak's telepathy.

"I know your secret, Gaz. Neptune really is a fine place this time of year."

Silence. the December rain drummed against the roof and windows, a steady rhythm to complement the thudding of Gaz's heart. She said nothing. What was there to say? The Irken knew her secret, and it was hers to do with as she saw fit.

"Don't look so frightened. I have great respect for your people. I suppose you tricked that human into believing you to be his sister? Clever, but so difficult to pull off. I applaud you. Or I would if I had enough strength in my arms to do so."

"You...disgust me."

"How so?"

"You demonic thing! You've been goading my brother into a suicidal spiral! Why are you torturing him? Why should he matter? And why do you care if I'm not human?"

Fire burned scarlet in Gaz's eyes. She advanced on the Irken until their faces were mere inches apart. Calm, cold violet eyes gazed back at her with a detachment that would have scared the Neptunian if she hadn't been so blinded by rage.

"He's going suicidal?" A flash of regret across Tak's face.

"He's had enough problems already without you adding to them! I should throw you out into the storm again. You would deserve every second of your pain."

Tak's mask slowly fell away. The violet eyes softened, and her face became the embodiment of shock. Even in her militaristic mind, she hadn't meant to have THAT kind of effect on the human.

"Gaz...Forgive me. I never meant to-"

"You didn't mean to? You must have meant to. Irkens never do anything without reason. It was all part of your plan. Get rid of the defenders, then take the planet at your leisure. Well, Tak, if I hadn't killed that mindset after the Neptunian government sent me here to destroy the humans, there wouldn't be an Earth left for you to practice your little mind games on."

Tak remained silent, and after awhile Gaz went away, shaking still in anger.

The next day was a day that Dib had elected to remain home. His newly bandaged wrists were testament to his old habits, and the lethargy with which the human moved told all of the state of his soul. Late morning found him sitting in the living room across from Tak, a blade gently pressed to his scarred wrist.

"What are you doing, human?" barked Tak, her horror growing as a thin red line of blood formed along the blade's edge.

"Taking the pain away," was the deadened reply.

"You put that knife DOWN, human!"

Dib dropped the knife without a thought. He stared at his wrist, watching the blood slowly trail out from the cut. The pain was ebbing away.

"You will NOT do that ever again! Do you hear me, human?"

Dib slowly raised his head, bringing his gaze up to meet Tak's.

"Dib. My name, you alien bitch, is Dib."

"Dib, don't do this. Your sister is worried about you."

"What does she know? She doesn't have any idea what I'm going through."

"I do. Believe me, h-Dib, there have been many times where I contemplated giving up. When I failed to become and Invader, my life as I knew it was over. I seriously thought about taking my life. But you just can't do that. You cannot take the easy way out. That's not how life works."

Dib smiled. "That is a load of bull."

"No, it's not. Look at me and tell me it's a load of bull."

Dib did, and he saw a dangerous glint in her eyes that could only mean one thing. Perhaps the Irken could identify with him more than he first had realized.

"Your sister is worried about you, Dib. She's afraid that you'll do something stupid. Like last time. And it would break her heart to see something like that happen again. Fix yourself before it's too late. If for nothing else, do it for Gaz."

Dib stared down at the knife on the floor, eyes unfocused. Then he picked it up, ran a finger along the smooth blade, and hurled it with all his strength at the wall. It went hilt-deep into the frame of the front door.

"Good boy, Dib."

"Hey, Tak?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks. I really need help."

"Would revenge help?"

"What do you mean?"

"Revenge against Zim?"

"No. He saved me last time. We're even."

"Thought so. Well, we'll give it time."

"Tak?"

"Yes, Dib?"

"Shut up."

"Zim? I know you're there. Pick up the phone."

click.

"Zim-"

"Didja get my tacos yet?"

"Not yet, GIR. Can you get Zim for me?"

"He says he don't wanna talk now. Tacos?"

"Later, GIR. Get Zim-"

Ear-shattering screams of sadness blared through the phone, and Gaz yanked the receiver away from her head. She waited for them to subside before returning to the conversation.

"Now, GIR, please tell Zim to come to the phone. Say that if he doesn't, I'll sic Tak on him."

Ten seconds later, the Irken picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"What is it that you want, Neptunian?"

"I just wanted to say sorry for getting you in trouble. Again."

"You should be sorry!"

"I am, okay? You don't have to implode."

No answer.

"Hey, Zim, you didn't miss much this week, you know. It was just review. Ancient history and the like. And the geometry concepts are almost infantile. A bunch of the guys from our crowd got into sympathy fights, so you can probably expect to see a few of them hanging around town. How have you been?"

"I feel like I've been blindsided by a Shnorklian Blunderbeast."

"Really? That sucks. Coming down with something?"

"Heh?"

"Are you feeling ill?"

"Not especially. Insomnia."

"Ah. That really does suck. I've been there. Nightmares or something?"

"No. Wait-why am I talking to YOU?"

click.

"That went well," muttered Gaz to herself, setting down the phone. "At least he didn't start screaming at me...I guess..."

"What's the matter?"

Mimi had slunk in who knew how long ago and was seated at the end of Gaz's bed. The Neptunian hastily put up her mental shields, then decided it wasn't worth the effort. The robot could see through mind tricks anyway.

"Nothing, Mimi. My friend is just being difficult."

"Can't you just beat him up or something? Zim really is a pathetic little excuse for an Irken warrior. It shouldn't be that hard."

"Mimi! I couldn't do that! Wait-how did you know it was-"

"I've been here for awhile. You really need to work on your observational skills. Anyway, Tak wanted me to tell you that she's well enough to stand now. Not much progress in the way of walking, but then, she was in the rain for a long time."

"O...kay...and this affects me how?"

"It's just information. Do with it what you wish. One last thing. Your brother seems to be communicating a great deal more with my mistress. Just thought you ought to know. I'll leave you alone now."

And with a small smile, the robot disappeared.

"Goddess, why does this all have to happen to me?"

Gaz flopped down on her bed and sighed. This was certainly shaping up to be an interesting skool year.

"So, Dib, tell me, what exactly happened that makes you so reluctant to take me up on my offer?"

Dib and Tak were in the living room again, seated on the floor in front of the couch. The latter was staring at the human with a keen interest that was not all friendly. Dib cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Er, I've been having...problems for awhile. Last time it got really bad, Zim intervened. I could have died. I guess I kind of owe him."

"Disgusting. You know that he wouldn't care if you'd saved his life. He'd still kill you the first chance he got. Why should you be any different?"

"Because I have honor."

"You humans and your honor. Always complicating things. We should just join forces and destroy that little half-pint once and for all!"

"Just concentrate on getting better, Tak. You can't go around annihilating things when you can barely support your own weight. We'll talk more when you actually have some bite. Do you want more pizza?"

"Yes, why not. I may as well absorb this sustenance while I can."

Dib gave her a strange look and got up to retrieve some of the food from the kitchen. His father hadn't been home since before Tak showed up. While it was normal for him to be gone for long periods of time, this was just getting to be ridiculous. Something might have happened at the lab. His father might be injured or worse. There could have been a catastrophic meltdown that was even now slowly killing everyone on the planet.

Yeah, right. Membrane had probably just forgotten to come home again. And at any rate, he was much too brilliant to allow anything horrible to happen to the human race. Still, he could dream.

But perhaps it was for the best that his father had decided to remain absent for so long. That made it much easier to hide Tak. If Membrane decided to return suddenly, it might mean the end for the Irken. His father was one of those people who liked to take things apart to learn more about them. This included living things.

The pizza in hand, Dib returned to the living room, banishing all thoughts of his father with a practiced discipline. Tak had moved slightly since his exit. She was now sitting in what could only be described as the lotus position, legs crossed and hands curled over her knees. What made this interesting was the fact that she was seated on the armrest of the couch.

"Hello, Dib. Glad to see you've brought more food."

"How did you-"

"The power of will is very strong."

"O...kay..." Dib handed her the pizza and sat down next to her.

"Thank you, human. You have assisted me much these past weeks."

"Why so demure now, Tak?"

"Oh, I'm just getting bored of the snobbish persona. Let's talk, shall we?"

"Uh, okay. Have you ever listened to Earth music?"

"No. Why should I?"

"Well, um, some of it is very good. And, well, er, yeah. Should I put in a CD or something?"

"Whatever you want to do. After all, you live here."

Dib hesitantly took a CD out from its case and slipped it into the stereo. Almost immediately, a wall of sound blasted the Irken off of her perch and sent her flailing and cursing to the floor.

"Are you okay?"

"Does it look like I'm okay?" Tak struggled up and hung on to the armrest for support. "What is this?"

"Er, it's an Earth band called Metallica. They, um, did a lot of loud and evil kind of music. Sorry about that. I'll turn down the volume-"

"No, I like it. It just surprised me, that's all." The very picture of cool, Tak regained her perch and smoothed out her nightdress. "You called it Metallic?"

"Metallica. Uh, this is-"

"I like it. Very loud. Very angry. Sounds like my life. I will have to scan this into my ship..." She trailed off and then buried her head in her arms. "How am I going to get off of this rock? I hate it I hate it I HATE IT! My ship is ruined, my robot's gone soft, and worst of all, I"VE GONE SOFT!"

"Um...it's...okay, Tak, really. Uh, just look on the...the bright side...or something..."

It was a strange feeling, comforting an alien. A small green alien that wanted nothing more than to see him burn. Dib carefully put a hand on the Irken's shoulder and mumbled some things about being optimistic. Then Tak tried to bite him, and he decided that it was best to leave her alone.

So he went to the garage. It hadn't been used in so long that Dib had been able to turn it into a sort of lab for himself. Membrane's labs were larger, sure, but Dib's had Irken technology. This was where he had been experimenting with Tak's ship.

It was her old one, the one she had used last time she'd come to Earth. It still had her old personality download. The ship and Dib had conversed at length for so long that it was as if he was best friends with Tak already. Pity she wanted him dead in real life. Dib bid her hello and sat down in the cockpit to run a few tests.

"What today, Dib?" asked the ship, its digital voice crackling a subtle plea for maintenance. "Scans? What for?"

"I want to see if I can locate any surviving components of Tak's other ship."

"She went off with another ship? Blasphemous, horrid, disgusting-"

"Shut up. I need to concentrate."

"Oh, sorry. Ooh, look, Irken technology! And it's still running!"

"I see that. Establishing remote link."

"Link established. Really, Dib, must we go through all this nonsense? You can see as well as I can what's happening."

"Shut up! Um, Tak's...new ship? Can you hear me?"

Almost immediately, a slightly lower-pitched copy of Tak's voice answered.

"Of course I can hear you, human. What do you want? I've been here for months, and you just NOW decide to contact me? What kind of-"

"Gods, this is like dealing with Gaz's PMS. Ship-thing, I need all current data."

"Why should I give up my precious information for YOU?"

"Oh, sister, don't be so snotty. This human is a good carbon-based life form. You can download into my memory banks if you need to. I've still got plenty of room." Tak's...er, ship One laughed at her sister's confusion.

"You-that's me! Get out of my system, fraud!"

"Relax, sister. Your battery won't last much longer. Do you want to die out there? I can open up a data transfer in a nanosecond."

"I-oh, why not? But if this is a trap, I SWEAR I'll plant a virus in you."

"Data transfer line open. Come on aboard, sister."

Ship Two gave an impatient sigh and transferred her data to Ship One. The light of the computer dimmed, then blazed before returning to normal. Ship One shook slightly as the transfer was completed.

"Girl, you have got to lose some data."

"I do not! Tak says I'm perfect just the way I am!"

"I barely fit you into my mainframe!"

"I'd have fit better if you didn't already have so much data!"

"Hey! I could have let you DIE! Don't you talk to me like that!"

"Do you want me to give you a virus?"

"Smart one, Error 411. You'd get the virus, too!"

This was new. Two ships were arguing over the computer equivalent of body weight. Dib watched in dumbfounded fascination for a long time before bothering to break up the argument.

"Girls, girls, stop bickering like a couple of calculators."

"MY MOTHERBOARD WAS A CALCULATOR!"

"You know what I mean. Just delete all the common data or something. Or I could store some of it on my computer."

"Hmph. She can delete all the data she has in common with me. After all, it's MY mainframe."

"You delete yours! I've been starving for power out there in that godforsaken cornfield! I have to repair my systems!"

"Um, dear, you don't have any systems anymore. They're MINE."

"Screw this. You two deal with it yourselves. I'm leaving."

Dib left the garage with only a few muttered curses. The two warring computers didn't even notice his absence until two days later. That was when Ship Two had been effectively taken care of and had her copied files erased forcibly by Ship One.

"Hey, Zim, want to go out for pizza after skool?"

"Leave me alone, Gaz."

"Listen, I know you're still pissed at me, but you're being childish. Would the almighty Zim act like a Smeetch? I didn't think so before, but now I'm not so sure-"

"Fine. We will go to the place of gorging after class. But only because the almighty ZIM NEVER ACTS LIKE A SMEETCH!"

"Uh-huh. Now are we going to go to skool, or are you extending your suspension for another day or two?"

Zim gave her a condescending look and stepped out of the house. Gaz just laughed and followed him down the street. That Irken could be so funny sometimes.

They met up with some of Zim's creepy friends halfway down the block. A few of them were still suspended, but that wouldn't stop them from tagging along to harass skool officials. The kids liked Gaz, even though she wasn't exactly their type. She didn't drink, didn't do drugs, and had no evident plans to dominate the planet, but if Zim liked her, she was cool. They chatted easily for the short time it took to travel the distance to skool.

"Hey, Zim, glad to see you're off suspension!"

"Welcome back, man."

"I'm still suspended. Fight the power!"

"Anarchy in the USA!"

The chant went up, filling the damp winter air and causing many "normals" to stare. Anarchy was a big topic of discussion for the group.

"Hey, Gaz, you and Zim hook up yet?" asked a particularly stoned-looking teenager, slurring his words into nothingness.

"No, sicko, of course not!" Gaz blushed-which meant that her skin went slightly less pale than normal.

Everyone laughed, Zim included. Seriousness was not a strong point with the creepy kids. Contrary to popular belief, they enjoyed a good joke more than the majority of the hi skool population.

"Watch it, comrades, we are approaching enemy territory."

The kid-the stoner-that had spoken in an eerie moment of clarity pointed at the skool building that rose in front of them like a fortress of DOOM. Several of the teenagers muttered prayers and made the sign of the cross. A few others clutched at the ankhs they wore around their necks, and still more cursed and spat on the ground. Gaz murmured a prayer to the Goddess and brought her hand to her heart. Zim joined the cursers.

Of course, the group dispersed once inside the skool. The kids that were still on suspension drifted off toward the principals' offices. Most of the others wandered over to the goth hangout. Zim dismissed the last few and headed for the secret stairwell.

It wasn't really a secret. The stairs were just out of the way at the very end of the skool, a place where few ventured. Hardly anyone used those stairs, so when Gaz discovered them a few days into the skool year, she declared it to be their place, the "secret stairs." They settled down on the section of the stairs that was hidden from the hallways, the place between floors that hid them from everything and made it feel like the rest of the skool was miles away. It was here that they'd had some of their most serious conversations, and some of their most light-hearted.

"GIR told me that the Tallest called to see if I was dead yet," Zim muttered, eyes downcast. His mask of bravado was rapidly dissipating. "When he told them that I wasn't, they seemed angry."

"That's terrible, Zim! Why do they hate you like that? I mean, I can see where they're coming from. You do have a certain knack for trouble. But still, it seems really weird that they'd be so pissed at you."

"I've had a few mishaps, certainly, but you'd think that they could at least leave me ALONE after what they said to me...last time..."

"Look, Zim, they don't know you at all. At ALL. If they did, they'd treat you a lot better. Don't let them get to you. Someday you'll show them not to degrade the almighty ZIM!"

"Perhaps..."

"So is this what's been bugging you for the last couple weeks?"

"Admittedly, yes. I was hoping that I could wait until I was a little less...psychotic before talking to you about it."

"You seem to be pretty sane right now to me."

"Thank you. Compliments are much appreciated. Goddess knows I haven't gotten many."

"No problem. It's not hard to find something to compliment you on. Uh, Zim?"

"Yes?"

"Could you sit a little farther away from me? There's eight steps to choose from."

"Eh, sorry."

Zim moved to the next step up. He understood too well how contact-phobic Gaz could get. And how...aggressive she could be when she was in a contact-phobic phase. It was best to just comply without question when she sounded like that.

"Thank you. But seriously, Zim, don't worry about it. I mean, if it makes you happy, after I graduate from college, we can go destroy the humans. All I want is the information. Human intelligence, I mean. The beings themselves? Totally worthless. How's that sound?"

"I guess...we could destroy the humans then. Information IS fascinating, even from doomed Earth monkeys. Yes, we'll plan their downfall for after you go to the human knowledge center. But can we begin planning now?" His eyes, red because they were away from the humans, shone hopefully in a way that was almost endearing.

"Yes, of course. You already have an impressive database on the humans. We can use that as the basis for our conquest. I myself have found that their skin has a very low acidic tolerance. That could be very amusing."

"Yes...It could prove to be very amusing indeed..."

Zim was already brightening. His antennae, uncovered for now-both of the aliens used any excuse possible to avoid using their disguises-had perked up and were now twitching excitedly. A sort of animation had come back to his speech, the random bouts of shouting ringing through the stairwell. The way he gestured dramatically with his hands so that it nearly threw his equilibrium off was enough to tell anyone present that he was no longer suffering in his depression.

"Feeling better now?"

A scary grin lit up the Irken's face. "Yes, much."

Gaz awkwardly initiated a hug, and after a moment's hesitation, Zim complied. Apparently, Gaz's contact phobia had subsided. Gaz let go and hugged her knees, closing her two lower eyes and keeping the third one open. It was her extra-sensory eye, and it had gotten them out of many potentially dangerous situations.

"Nothing within a two-intersection radius," reported the Neptunian, opening her other eyes.

Zim started to play absent-mindedly with Gaz's hair, a habit he'd picked up a few years earlier. She only let him do it because she hated styling her hair herself, and because it gave Zim something to do while she monologued. As it was, she wasn't talking much now, but sometimes silence was preferable to verbalizing meaningless thoughts.

"Hey, Zim, the ten-minute bell just rang. Should we be getting our disguises back on? It would kind of suck to get caught here."

"Why bother? The humans will make any excuse not to believe in the supernatural. They'll just think it's their grotesquely misshapen heads playing tricks on them." Zim's slender fingers paused, the claw-like tips barely digging into Gaz's scalp. "Humans are such disgusting, blind things."

"They are. Always searching for what they believe to be the answers, then disregarding the truth that lies in front of their faces. It's human nature, unfortunately. We can't do much about it. Then again, perhaps it's more fortunate than anything. After all, it makes our jobs that much easier."

They laughed for awhile after that. It was amusing how they should be discussing global domination in the very place that taught conformity. Those stupid, unsuspecting monkeys. They had no idea that the downfall of their race was going to skool in the most twisted system on the planet-the American Skool System.

Of course, you weren't supposed to call it "America" anymore. Country names had fallen out of use a long time ago. Promoting unity meant that everyone lived on Earth, not within any specific boundaries.

Goddess, the world was messed up.

"Two minutes, Zim. And I sense something a few halls away. Disguises on."

"But I hate my disguise-"

"Too bad. It's your fault for choosing something so low-tech. I could have made you a decent hologram, but no. You just HAD to use your precious Irken technology-"

"Shut your noise hole, Gaz! Someone's coming!"

Hastily thrown-on disguises were even more rapidly adjusted after a group of students passed them on their way downstairs. More than a few stares fixed themselves on the nervous pair, and dozens of rumors flitted across the teenagers' minds. If Gaz and Zim hadn't already been so used to gossip, it might have annoyed them.

"Goddess, that was close. We'd better get to class now. Zim, let go of my hair. Good boy."

Gaz rolled her eyes and stood, stretching the kinks out of her spine. Behind her, Zim stood as well, and even though he was a step up from her, he was still a good deal shorter than the Neptunian. Then again, Gaz had relaxed her disguise for a moment, and that added a foot to her stature. All the more to make Zim feel like a midget.

"Uh, Gaz..."

"What?"

"Listen. What do you hear?"

"I don't hear...oh. Merde. That...wasn't the ten-minute bell, was it?"

"No, Gaz. It wasn't."

"That was the..."

"Final bell. Yes. Which means..."

"We're ten minutes late."

"Yes."

"MERDE!"

"My sentiments exactly. We should be running."

"Screw it. I'm not running for ANYTHING."

So they walked. It wasn't that far anyway. Just a quarter mile or so. They made the trip in about five minutes, seeing as how Gaz wanted to stop at every bathroom to apply more eyeliner or lipstick or whatever it was that girls slathered all over their faces. But finally they made it to the English room.

Just in time for a fire drill.

"Okay, who says we just ditch?" Gaz fumed, cracking the brick wall and denting the lockers behind her with a well-placed fist.

"I'd love to, but remember that I've already missed ten days this term."

"Well...let's at least get away from all these damned humans."

So while everyone was busy running toward the fire exits, Gaz and Zim headed for a window on the inner courtyard. A quick dodge, and they were in the courtyard listening to the chatter and screams of their fellow students, muted as they were by the brick walls. A little more time to themselves. Wonderful.

"Don't you just love fire drills?" Gaz grinned and sat down on the pavement, reclining against the wall.

"They certainly have a way of getting you out of skool."

"My hair looks weird in cornrows."

"I think it looks...interesting."

"Yeah, right. Interesting. Well, at least it's not pigtails. I swear, if you EVER do something like that again, I WILL hurt you."

"I thought it was funny."

"I looked like a Pippi Longstocking reject!"

"Heh?"

"Nevermind." Gaz looked up into the solid gray sky. "We should probably go back inside before everyone else comes back to class."

"Yes...Maybe we should skip class."

"No, we can do that another time. Next week maybe. We're here, so we may as well try to learn something."

Gaz dove through the window and rolled into a crouch with a small rustle. Zim attempted to follow suit, but he clipped his foot on the windowsill and landed in a heap next to his companion. This gave them a small bout of laughter before the sound of thirty two hundred teenagers reentering the building stopped them. Then it was a mad dash to the classroom and a quick prayer to make it back before they were missed.

"Gaz, Zim, where were you?"

"Merde."

"Gaz!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Appa. Um, we got lost. I think we were somewhere around the janitor's office." Gaz tried her best to look innocent, which wasn't easy with eyes that were red and rimmed in black liner in the shape of the Eye of Horus.

"Right. You two have been late every day for the entire semester! Now, I understand that teenagers have hormones, but can't you keep it in check enough to get to class?"

Gaz reddened, and Zim went a darker shade of green. Most of the class had filtered in by now, and they were listening with cruel attention to the teacher's chastening. One of Zim's friends was laughing silently near the back of the room, joined by the audible sniggers from several preppy girls.

"Mrs. Appa, clearly you have made some assumptions about the character of two of your students. I hope that you will never attempt something similar in the future. You forget who my father is?" Gaz's eyes narrowed.

"No, dear, of course not..." Uncertainty flickered across the teacher's face.

"Good. Because he would be very angry if this little incident should get back to him. Angry enough, perhaps, that he would wish to take action. It's your job, lady."

Mrs. Appa had gone very pale. She gave a weak smile and shooed the pair away, claiming that they'd had enough lecturing for the time being.

"Privilege is a wonderful thing," laughed Gaz when she sat down in the back of the room.

"Yes, it does come in useful."

"Everyone, be quiet! We have a lot to cover today!"

And there was time for just one last grin before the teacher began her lesson.

Author's note: Dear Goddess, this one was a long scene. I really do hang out in the secret stairs at skool. I've never skipped class, but it would be interesting to try sometime. I'll tell you, though, I've certainly mistaken the bells. There's so damned many of them! Anyway, this was a lot of fun to write. I love having Gaz and Zim interact. This isn't going to turn into a romance fic, though. Those things are THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! Anyway, my friends like putting my hair in pigtails, so that's where that one came from. Goddess, so many people were scared of that.

Anyway, enough about me. What happened to Tak? This fic is supposed to be about HER. Oh well. I'll figure it out. This is turning out to be a little longer than I anticipated. I just hope it won't be as long as my JTHM fic. Goddess, that one was a drain on me energy. Sixty pages. Ugh. Well, um...yeah. Tak's back, and she's falling apart. Dib's suicidal. Zim's getting all emotional. Gaz speaks and-gasp-MONOLOGUES! This is turning into a soap opera. Eh, who cares. I'll just shove some comic relief down this fic's throat and it should be fine. Wow, I'm tired. Must be me sugar high wearing off. Oh well. With any luck, I'll be done with this thing sometime in the next couple months. laughs hysterically Yeah right. Um, anyway...enjoy.

-Raven

(Note: this is NOT the end. ive got a good twenty pages of stuff left to write before i consider this thing done. more amusing things to come, including the "valentines day dance." goddess, i hope this doesnt turn into a romance fic...)