How to Deal

Warnings: Self Harm

Rated M just to be safe

Summary: Logan is in love with James, and he doesn't know any other way to get the pain to go away…So, he resorts to the only way he thought would work; cutting. But he gets interrupted.

Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush

The first time that Logan ever laid eyes on his was the last time he vowed to never let himself fall in love. Well, it didn't really work out as he planned; because the next day he learned that his best friends were friends with the gorgeous man. It wasn't that he wanted to avoid the guy; he just didn't think that he'd be able to have any – even the tiniest bit – of self control. Logan thought that if he was going to be this close to the guy every day, then he was going to have to find something to occupy his mind.

At first, he thought that he could bury his mind in books. He had started reading everything that he could get his hands on. He started reading about the subjects that he was taking at the moment. Then he started reading about advanced subjects. Even that wasn't working, so he thought about trying something else.

It took him a little while to figure out something to help him keep his mind off the still mysteriously gorgeous guy that had slowly started to take his place as his best friend's best friend. Maybe that's what got him to change, no one really knows for sure. But one day he was focusing on his studies and the next he was right where he belonged – being close to his best friends.

He thought that if he started getting to know the pretty boy, that he would eventually stop thinking about him. His hopefulness didn't help the thought. In fact, getting to know him made things worse. It had gotten so bad, that the pretty boy had started to show up in his dreams more and more.

It didn't take long to get to know the pretty boy. In fact, Logan had learned a lot about the pretty boy. The first thing that he learned was that his name was James. James was on the same hockey team as Kendall and Carlos (Logan's best friends). Logan had been dragged to many before, but never noticed James until after Logan's crush began. James' mother was Brooke Diamond, the CEO of Diamond Cosmetics; Logan quickly learned that she never took no for an answer. The thing that intrigued Logan the most, though, was that James wanted to be famous; a singer, to be exact.

Not long after Logan had started to get to know James, James had the opportunity to live his dream. The only problem about it though, was he had to give up his own dream for James to live his. But it wasn't a hard decision to make, one look at James' puppy dog eyes and he was toast. He would do anything for James, as long as James didn't know about his little crush.

As soon as they had gotten to California, however, he was thrust into sharing a room with the pretty boy; which, in fact, made things even worse for Logan. Logan's crush just escalated into something even worse than he ever imagined it to be. The dreams that he had about James only got more frequent, and only got a lot more…dirty. And it didn't help that James had found him in his vulnerable state more than once.

When Logan couldn't get any time to himself, he had started taking matters into his own hands. At first, he had started dating. But when he realized that Camille was interested in him more than he wanted, and wanted more than he could give, he had ended in as soon as he figured out. When that didn't work out, he took it further than just changing his schedule and lifestyle.

He wasn't going to ruin any chances with James' dreams; so he didn't run away from the band, like he wanted so desperately to do. He wasn't going to force James to stay away from him, because that would only rise questions; and he didn't want people to ask questions about why he didn't want to be around the pretty boy.

He had thought of only one way that would take away the pain; because if he wasn't able to stop the pain from his crush on James, then he was going to change how the pain was being inflicted. It wasn't the first time that he had thought about this plan, but it was the first time that he had ever thought it was the only way out. So, when he got home from a long day of harmonies and dance moves that he wasn't good at, he walked straight to the bedroom that he shared with James and found the box knife that he saved from the move.

When he walked into the room, he thought nothing about locking the door. Or, that maybe James wasn't as stupid as he made everyone think; not that Logan really thought he was stupid, just not as smart as himself.

As soon as he found the box knife, he ran into the adjoining bathroom to their room. Again, he forgot about the lock to the door. He made his way to the bath tub; so if he got any blood anywhere, he could just wash it down the drain.

Logan quickly lifted the knife up to his wrist shakily, and put pressure to the knife. For a second he didn't think he could do it, but when he heard the door in the other room open and slam shut, the knife sort of just slide across his wrist. A quickly growing line of blood showed up, and when he heard a knock on the bathroom door, he quickly tried to cover up his wrist.

"Logan? Are you in there?" Logan heard James ask from the other side of the door. When Logan didn't answer as quickly as James would have liked, James called his name again. "Logan?"

"I – uh – I'm in here James!" Logan stuttered out, trying to calm James down. "Just give me a second!"

The door handle started to turn, and without any warning James walked into the bathroom. As quick as Logan could, he hid the knife behind his back along with his wrist. But Logan didn't see the blood that had started to drip into the tub. And for a second, neither did James.

"Logan? What are you -?" James stopped mid sentence, when he noticed the blood that was making its way down towards the drain.

After James froze for a few seconds, he quickly ran towards Logan. He wasn't sure what to do, so once he found out where the blood came from he called out, "Kendall!"

To James, it seemed like eternity from Kendall to make his way into the bathroom that adjoined his and Logan's bedroom. Before Kendall made his way into Logan and James' bathroom, James had already pulled Logan out of the bathtub.

"James, don't; I'm fine!"

"How can you say that you're fine, when you're in here hurting yourself, Logie?" the use of his nickname made Logan's tears start to fall down his face. "Don't cry, Logie, please?"

James was pretty desperate. He had never seen Logan this weak and vulnerable. It wasn't like the way Kendall refused to let anyone see him that way, it was just the way that Logan was. He didn't like crying; it seemed like a girly thing to do.

Kendall came running in, as soon as James had finished his sentence. "What happened?" The first thing that he noticed was how James was holding Logan to his chest as tight as he possibly could, without hurting the smart brunette. The next thing that he noticed was the blood that was in the bathtub; which made him think the worst. The last thing that he noticed was that James' clothes were getting stained with something red. "James, what happened?"

"I-I-I don't know. I came in here, and-and saw Logan in the bathtub. I wasn't sure what he was doing in-in there, but then I saw blood…" James trailed off. "Kendall, I-I'm scared. Why would Logie do this?"

"I-I don't know."

They both were trying their hardest not to cry about the situation that no one thought any of them would be in; let alone Logan, the doctor. It was hard for them to even believe that this was real. But when they heard the small sobs that were coming from Logan, they snapped out of it.

"James, carry him out into the kitchen, so we can wrap up his wrist. I'll try to get Carlos out of there." Kendall ran out of the bathroom, not bothering to help James up; thinking that the more time it took James to get out into the living room, the longer he got to convince Carlos to leave.

When James made his way, with Logan in his arms, Carlos was still in the living room trying to convince Kendall to let him stay. But it was too late, because Carlos had already spotted Logan. The second that Carlos laid eyes on Logan, he sprinted away from Kendall and made his way to Logan.

"What ha-happened?"

"Carlos, I told you to leave! Come on, you don't need to see this." Carlos didn't even pay attention to Kendall. "Please?"

"No! Logan's hurt!" Carlos looked away from Logan for a second, only to glare at Kendall; then he looked back at Logan. "What happened to him?"

"I found him like this, Carlos. I don't know what happened." James set Logan down onto the counter, so he could start cleaning the wound. "Logan, can you tell us why you did this?"

Logan shook his head. He didn't want anyone to know. And if he told them way, he knew that he was going to lose his three best friends. He didn't want to lose them, even James. He wasn't ready to choose between loving James and getting over him; honestly, he wanted both. But he knew that, eventually, he'd have to chose; just not today.

"Please, Logie?" again, like every other time James used his nickname, the sobs just got worse. "Logan, you have to tell us."

"I-I-I ca-can't. I-I-I don't wa-want you to ha-hate me."

"How could we hate you, Logan?" He wasn't sure why, but when James used his full name only made the sobs worse.

"Be-because I know you will."

"How about you try? And if I do hate you, then you can say you told me so?" James really hoped that that would work, but it was highly unlikely.

"I-I don't think – I don't know, James." Logan looked down at his wrist. Kendall was using a rag to clean all the blood out of the wound. And looking at the rag, Logan realized that he had to have cut his wrist pretty deep.

"Please?" Logan looked up into James' eyes. They were full of desperation and worry. "For me?"

"I-I-I" Logan wasn't sure if he really wanted to tell him, but the look on James' face made Logan feel bad. So, he felt like he had no choice. "I-I may have a – uh – a crush on someone…"

"You did this because of a crush, Logan?"

"Okay, so…maybe it's – uh – a little more than a crush." Logan suggested. He didn't want to say who it was. But he felt like James wouldn't understand unless he did. And then, Logan could get the closure that he needed to get over James.

"What do you mean, more than a crush? Logie, do you love some body?" Logan had completely forgotten about Carlos and Kendall being in the room. And that made this a lot harder than it was before; he didn't want everyone to hate him because of how he fell in love with.

"I-I – uh – maybe?"

"Maybe? Who?" Carlos always was one who thought that everything was amazing, which had always ended in the overly enthusiastic enthusiasm he always had.

"Carlos! This has nothing to do with who Logan loves! This is about the fact that he thought someone was worth the price of his life!" James said, a little defeated. Kendall and Carlos had always known about his crush on Logan.

"Sorry…"

"Logan, no one is worth killing yourself over."

Logan wasn't really sure what to say. He wasn't even thinking about killing himself at the time. He just thought that the pain that the knife would bring, would be more bearable than the pain of James not being his.

"I-I didn't want to kill myself…"

"You didn't?"

"No, I just didn't want to feel the pain of loving someone that doesn't love me back."

"Did this person say they didn't love you?" Instead of speaking, Logan shook his head. "Then how do you know?"

"They can't love me! He-he-he can't love me!"

"He? You're in love with a guy?"

"See! I told you that you would hate me!"

"Logan, I don't hate you for being in love with a guy. Why would that change anything between us?" Logan mumbled something that none of the people in the room understood, "What?"

"It's not which gender I'm in love with that will make you hate me, it's who." Logan looked back down towards his wrist, that has just been wrapped.

"Who is it?"

"I-I-I don't wanna say…"

"What? You can't just dangle something like that in front of our faces, and then not tell us! Logan!" Carlos said. "Come on, tell us!"

"N-no! I can't! I can't lose you guys."

"Logan, is the person one of us?" Kendall had always been really smart, but this just proved to Logan exactly how smart Kendall really was.

"M-maybe…"

"Ooh, so that's why you didn't wanna tell us. I thought it was just because you wanted to be a jerk.."

"Carlos, calling Logan a jerk at the moment isn't gonna help things."

"Sorry, Logan."

Logan didn't say anything. He just sat there, thinking about whether or not he should tell. Because James was right, you never know until you actually tell that person. But he didn't want to lose James over this. James might wanna stay friends, because they were both friends with Kendall and Carlos; but Logan wasn't sure if that would work out well. There was only one way to find out…

"Guys!" He just realized that the three of them had been arguing. "It's – uh – it's Jam-" Before he could even finish the sentence, he was being interrupted by someone…rather something. Lips. He was being interrupted by lips; James' lips.

"Wh-what was tha-that?" Logan was confused, he was sure that James wasn't into him. He had thought that James was interested in guys, but never thought that he was anything that James would like.

"A kiss." James said it so naturally, that the others laughed.

"Well, I know. But why did you kiss me?"

"Uh, well…I may love you too?" it came out as a question, but it was good enough for Logan.

A wide grin spread across Logan's face; and without any warning, Logan flung his arms around James' neck. Wrapping his arms around Logan's waist, James buried his face in Logan's neck.

A couple minutes later, Mama Knight and Katie walked into the room. James and Logan were still in the kitchen, hugging; and Carlos and Kendall were in the living room playing video games.

"Uh, what happened you Logan?" the worry in Mama Knight's voice was prominent. And it got the new couple to spring away from each other.

"Uh, I – uh – was shaving?"

"You were shaving and happened to cut your wrist?"

"Well, I – uh-"

"Yeah, he was shaving and I slammed the bathroom door opened. I didn't think that Logan would be shaving. And I think it scared Logan. So, the razor fell out of his hand and cut his wrist."

"Oh, well…you're okay, now. Right?"

"Yeah, I had great doctors to help me out." Logan smiled, looking into James' eyes. And then towards the couch, to look at Kendall and Carlos.

James leaned over to whisper into Logan's ear, "I love you, Logie."

Logan's face broke into a smile. He leaned over, and whispered into James' ear, "I love you too, James."

A/N: So, I hope you liked it! :)