Author's Note: I wrote this for a friend, and it is RIDICULOUS. Please don't take it seriously and leave me flames and death threats. Its a JOKE. Maybe not a good one, but it is what it is :)

It was a blustery December day at Hogwarts. The blistering wind blew snow and small first-years everywhere. Students scurried around to their destinations, not lingering outside for fear of catching a bad case of spattergroit. The Giant Squid was cheerily making itself a cozy nest out of trees at the bottom of the Black Lake. To most, this might seem like a normal, lazy Sunday afternoon. Most students at that moment had no idea of the danger that they were in.

A small group of students, however, knew exactly what was happening. Hogwarts was about to change forever, and they were going to do all they could to stop this monstrosity from occurring. These students were currently huddled over a single book in the Room of Requirement. This book was titled Wizarding Gangsters and Hoodlums Through the Ages, and the students were Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Pansy Parkinson and Neville Longbottom, Hannah and Stella "Buffy" Fillmore-Patrick (transfer students from America) and Dobby the house elf. They were all trying to better understand what they were standing up against (well Ron still couldn't read, but the rest of them were). This, my friends, was Potter's Army; the few, the brave, the proud (or maybe that's the Marines…).

"When d'you think they'll make their move?" Neville asked fearfully.

"Soon, hopefully!" Harry said with a heroic glint in his eye.

"Let's go back outside and train some more," Ron ordered.

The rest of the group turned on him as soon as the words left his mouth.

"Just who do you think you are, Ronald? Honestly, ordering us all around like we even respect you! We don't even like you!" Hermione fumed, kicking Ron in the shins with unnecessary force. Ron yowled and collapsed on the floor dramatically.

"You might as well be one of the B.F-"

"-DON'T SAY THE NAME, HERMIONE!"

"Fear of the name only increases the fear of the thing itself! And STOP – BOSSING – ME – AROUND!" Hermione screamed, emphasizing every word with an aggressive kick in Ron's stomach.

"She's right, you know," Luna chimed in. "You're getting very uppity for a small and insignificant peasant, and it's getting old."

Hannah prodded Ron violently with her wand. "He's still alive," she announced.

Ron whimpered in an appropriately pathetic manner.

"Let's kill him," Buffy snarled, pulling a ping-pong paddle out of her robes and pointing it at him threateningly.

"Uhm… Buffy? That's not your wand…" her sister said gently.

Buffy coughed embarrassedly, quickly pulling out her real wand and stowing away her ping-pong paddle in the mysterious depths of her black cloak.

"Ping-pong? I mean really… you Americans…" Luna said disdainfully.

While this exchange was going on, Ron had gotten up off the ground, and was looking around dodgily, and edging closer to the Great Hall, where dinner would be served shortly. Seeing this, Hermione pointed her wand at him, and immediately, as if being forced by an invisible hand, Ron was dragged back into the group.

"Let's go outside and train some more!" Harry commanded, in a tone that left no room for conversation.

Everyone besides Luna, Hannah, and the ever-cynical Buffy gazed adoringly up at Harry. "Of course, Harry," Pansy breathed. "That's a wonderful idea!"

"Yeah, it's a wonder no one else has thought of it yet…" Neville muttered under his breath bitterly.

I really don't mind wild winter days. In fact, I am partial to them, because my white feathers help me to blend in, and the wind keeps the little humans too preoccupied to notice me. So, here I am today, perched outside on a Cornificus tree – warm despite the cold, and perfectly content to watch my human and its friends unobserved.

I want nothing else, of course, than the company of Pigwidgeon, my owl-friend of two years. He is currently on a journey to his human's house. His human is much, much weirder than mine. Its feathers are the color of red winterberries, but taste nothing like them! It is big for a human, and has strange, sickly-looking dots all over it! I just don't know why Pigwidgeon stays with it…

Anyways, here they come… HA! The Red Winterberry is whining, limping, and holding its middle. Perhaps some violence has been inflicted upon it. The very thought of violence excites me… humans tend to think of us owls as being gentle and wise. While we are indeed very wise (we are superior to all other beings), we enjoy needless violence above all else.

My human is looking pleased with itself. Its attitude can get bothersome at times, but it is really a dear! I personally find its oddly shaped battle-wound on its head to be very attractive….

Ah! And here comes its bushy friend! I want to nest in its hair and have offspring every time I see it! But Pig will have none of that. And now the strange one with sunlight hair and the awkward one… the crow-colored hair human… and the elf… and the humans from across the sea. What are they doing?

They're… sparring?! Ahh, violence. Fortune is smiling down on me today – it looks as though they're all ganging up on the red one!

Oh, I am so glad to see their young friends from across the sea partaking in this wonderful recreational exercise!

Oh, no! My human just went down, too! The younger one from across the sea just shoved it down to the ground and is putting its oddly-shaped feet on its face! Oh! Hahahaha. That's actually quite enjoyable to watch!

Ah! And here comes Pig! He's just so cute! I can't help but be attracted to him although he is 68 owl-years younger than I am, and several hundred times smaller!

"Hi, Hedwig!"

"Hello, dear Pig."

"My trip was successful… my, oh my, your feathers smell wonderful today!" Pig squeaked suggestively, fluttering his little wings charmingly.

"And your beak is looking especially sharp today Pig," I returned seductively, holding up my strong wings so Pig could see my under-feathers (scandalous!).

This probably goes without saying, but this exchange was followed by… never mind. Anyways, I did not end up watching the humans again for the duration of the afternoon.

Harry suddenly fell to the ground, clutching his forehead and wincing frightfully.

"AHH! My scar! It's telling me something! Wait… OH! THE B.F.-"

"DON'T SAY IT HARRY!"

"OH BUGGER OFF, RONALD!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY MUM, HERMIONE!"

Luna boxed Ron's ears viciously, as Hermione could not reach him.

"OW!"

"…THEY'RE MOVING!" Harry continued, as if he had not been interrupted. "They'll be at the entrance of the Great Hall in 10 minutes! They've got Dumbledore and they're waiting for us to make negotiations with them!" Harry bit out meaningfully, subtly watching the expressions of his companions for signs that they were impressed by his dramatic hyperbole.

"Oh, Harry!" Pansy gushed, dropping to her knees on the ground next to his crumpled form, "You're so brave!"

Buffy snickered, craftily elbowing Hannah. "Brave!" She echoed quietly, her tone dripping with sarcasm and ill-concealed malice. "That daft tramp has gone barmy…"

Pansy turned to glare at Buffy, standing up swiftly. "What did you just say?!"

Buffy smirked, and Hannah pushed Buffy in front of her hurriedly, cowering behind her younger sister fearfully.

"Oh, Harry, you're sooooooooo wonderful!" Buffy mocked. "Could you be anymore obvious?"

"You BINT!" Pansy screeched before advancing on Buffy.

"NOT MY SISTER, YOU BITCH!" Hannah screamed, suddenly jumping out in front of Buffy and expertly kicking Pansy in the stomach. Pansy dropped to the ground immediately, holding her midsection. Hannah then seized Pansy's right ear and dragged her up off the ground, before lifting the Slytherin above her head and flinging her 48 feet away. Buffy inclined her head to Hannah in silent thanks while the rest of the group continued to stare at Hannah incredulously.

"So is that what they teach you in America?" Luna asked dreamily.

The six of them stood in the doorway, the last rays of fading sunlight casting them all dramatically in the shadows of twilight. This was the group, Harry was sure. Nigel Creevey, Zacharias Smith, Millicent Bullstrode, Seamus Feider-Sullivan, Lavender Brown, and Vincent Crabbe; the Boggarts For Life (B.F.L.s) in the flesh. All six gazed back at Potter's Army with equal animosity, but no one on either side so much as flinched (with the significant exceptions of Neville and Ron, of course). Wands were raised, and none as faltered the two assemblies sized each other up.

The two groups just stood there for a moment, each basking in their own self-righteousness and perhaps, (in Neville's case) fear. Seamus broke the tense silence by stepping forward pompously.

"Drop your wands, Potty. We're holding Dumbledore captive in his office, and he's agreed to acquiesce to our requests. The school is already ours."

At this announcement, Ron let out a loud guffaw. "Oh yeah? Well we don't even care! Dumbledore was a bossy old prat anyways, so why don't you go stuff it, you speckled imbecile!"

Seamus blushed faintly, "Speckled?! You're one to talk! You long-haired pillock!"

"Lousy, phlegm-eating scumbag!"

"Well at least I don't have a tattoo on my left buttock the reads 'cupcake'!"

The entirety of Potter's Army turned on Ron at once. "You WHAT?!" Hermione screeched. Lavender blushed severely as Ron began to sputter his denial of this "outrageous" accusation.

"I do NOT!"

"Yes you do!"

"Wait – how would you know?" Luna eyed Seamus suspiciously.

"Erm…" both the BFLs and PA turned to stare awkwardly at Seamus. "Well, you see, um, Ron here…"

Hannah chose this moment to quickly pull Ron's trousers down, revealing a large, motorcycle-gangey, heart-shaped tattoo on Ron's behind that bore the legend Cupcake in large, elaborate black letters.

Dobby burst out giggling uncontrollably at the sight of Ron's tattoo. Ron yelped and hurriedly pulled his pants up. Lavender burst into tears and ran off in the general direction of the Slytherin dungeons, with Buffy trailing after her (she was not one to miss an opportunity where she could point and laugh at the sight of Lavender's tears).

An extremely awkward silence ensued.

"Well…. Erm… I see no need to continue this charade. We'll release Dumbledore immediately," Nigel said cordially.

"Yes," Zacharias agreed, "Good day to you all."

Millicent followed him out quietly, as the remaining students continued to shuffle their feet and look up at the dark sky uncomfortably.

"Can we just… can we just pretend that never happened?" Ron finally asked in a small voice.

Hermione turned to glare at him fiercely.

Ron pointed at Seamus accusingly, "This never would have happened if that lousy Mexican sewer rat had kept his sodding mouth shut!"

Seamus glowered back at Ron, "It's not my fault you let Lavender talk you into letting my grandmother give you that tattoo, Weasley! If you had just kept your bloody pants on, none of this ever would have happened! Good kids don't get tacky love-tattoos on their arses!"

"Good kids don't join ghetto gangs called the BFL! Harry Potter hates those smarmy, dirty children, and Dobby does, too!" The house elf scolded, flipping Seamus his middle finger smartly.

"So how'd an abysmal and uncoordinated nerd like you get to be the respected leader of a well-organized and malicious gang, anyways?" Hermione asked rudely.

Instead of looking affronted, Nigel looked pleased. "Well, that's a long story…"

Indeed, it was. And that is a story for another day.

Happy birthday to Hannah, my best friend of many, many years.