Behind the Bathroom Doors
You watch her run up the stairs and you hear the door shut behind her and you're not really sure what you're supposed to make of all of it. Of course, being your 'let's turn everything into a joke' self, when you follow her upstairs and talk to her through the bathroom door, you try to lighten up the mood a little bit.
"Page, you're alright? Don't make me be nice." You tell her with a little laugh, but she doesn't respond, so you decide to continue. "OK, you made me." You say and make a little pause, as if giving her one more chance to tell you what's wrong. "Paige Michalchuk, you are the prettiest, smartest, bestest…" You already have a whole speech prepared in your mind, but she doesn't let you finish.
"Why are you putting more pressure on me, Alex? Why?" You hear her scream and that's when you realize that things are a little more serious than you initially thought.
"Pressure?" You ask a little confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Forget it, OK? Leave me alone! Go!" She shouts back and you can tell that she's now crying.
"Forget what? What's wrong?" This time you're really worried, because you've never seen her like this. Sure you've seen her mad or angry at the world, hurt and damaged, but something tells you that this time it's a lot more complicated.
"You don't get it, Alex. And you never will!" She snaps at you in a tearful voice. "So just go back to your stupid pathetic little straight A high school life with your pathetic imaginary girlfriend, OK? Just go away!" You hear the words come out of her mouth and they cut your heart like a knife. They make you feel like everything the two of you ever had was one big lie and that this is what she always thought of you. A pathetic loser with no future. And a part of you wants to just listen to her and go and never come back and just stop caring what the hell happens to Paige Michalchuk. But the other part of you knows that behind those hurtful words uttered in a moment of sheer panic there is a broken girl. The same girl you fell in love with. The one who made you believe that you can actually be somebody if you tried. The girl who was the reason you are kicking butt at school and thinking of your future. The girl who once was able to make you forget about all the shit in the world just by smiling at you. And you simply cannot walk away from that girl, no matter how hard you try. Because she's hurting and you cannot stand that. You never could. So you choose to believe that the only reason Paige is saying what she's saying is to get rid of you. But you decide that it won't be that easy. Because for whatever reason, you feel that she needs you, but is just too afraid to ask for your help.
"Not a chance!" You say firmly and give her one more chance to let you into the bathroom willingly. But after a few more silent moments you just can't take it anymore and you burst inside.
"I told you to leave me the hell alone!" She screams at you, tears streaming down her face and for a second you think that she might hit you. That's how angry she is. And it really scares you.
"You of all people should know that I don't take too kindly to orders." You tell her, but your desperate attempt at a joke is somewhat lost on her.
"Just leave me alone please!" She repeats her plea, trying to appear angry and firm, but you know better. You've known her long enough to be able to tell the difference between her actually being angry and only trying to appear to be. Which is exactly what she is trying to do now, and it drives you nuts that you have no idea why.
"Not until you tell me what's wrong." You insist as you take one step closer to her and try to take her hand into yours, but she pushes you away. It takes you by surprise how desperately she's trying to keep her distance. She's so scared of letting you find out what's going on with her.
"Don't touch me!" She screams at you angrily and this time you comply and take one step back. But there is no way you are leaving her.
"Hey, I'm just trying to help." You tell her calmly, not wanting to make her any more angry than she already is. "Just please let me help you." You almost beg, but at the same time you're terrified that you're not gonna know what to do anyway.
"Well you can't help me!" She cries. "Nobody can help me! I'm a failure and there is nothing that anyone can do about it! So just go back to your life and stop hanging out with a loser like me!" She begs you one last time as she almost collapses onto the floor, but at the last moment she finds the strength to simply sit on the floor and lean against the wall, her face buried in her hands. She is trying to sound mad, but you can tell how devastated she is. You have no idea what is happening to her, but you have decided that you're not leaving this bathroom until she tells you.
"You are not a loser." You tell her firmly, because no matter what is wrong, this much you know. You kneel next to her and you take her face into yours, trying to force her to stop avoiding eye contact. Her eyes are half-closed, but you know that she's fighting the urge to look you in the eye. "Now look at me." You almost order her, but when nothing in her expression changes, you tell her again. "Damn it, Paige Michalchuk, look at me and tell me what the hell is wrong!" This time she lifts her head a little and opens her eyes. For a moment she just looks at you and you know she's desperately trying to be strong enough to tell you to leave, but you also know that eventually she will give in.
"I'm failing, Alex." She finally starts, but that doesn't really tell you much. It's a start, though, and you're happy she's finally stopped pushing you away. "I'm failing so miserably that I can't stand it."
"What do you mean you're failing? Failing at what?" You ask her, although you think that you might have a pretty good idea. But you need to hear it from her. She needs to tell you, because you know that she needs to tell somebody.
"At Banting, at life… At everything." She sobs and your heart breaks a little with every tear that you see streaming down her face. "I thought I was gonna be this hot shot, you know? Go to Banting, have a fabulous time in college, get my dagree, get a great job… I had this all figured out and nothing is going the way I have planned it. I am failing most classes, I have not made a single friend since I've been there and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know whether I'm not smart enough, or cool enough, or if I'm just a loser all around. Maybe I'm just destined to be a failure and that's all I'm ever gonna be." She wonders as her sobs are becoming more and more erratic and you wanna say something to stop her from hurting, but after a moment you realize that for the time being, you don't need to say anything. You just need to be there for her. So you wrap your hands around her and you let her sob into your chest. You can feel your neck and your shirt getting moist, but you don't care, because you know that she needs this. All you want is for her to let it all out, because even though you know there is not much that you can do to ease her pain, letting it all out is going to help her.
As her sobs subside, you finally let her slip away from your embrace and you look deep into her eyes.
"Paige, I need you to listen to me." You tell her as you look at her with a serious expression on your face. "You are one of the most amazing people I know. You are pretty, no, you're beautiful, you're freakishly' smart, you're funny, you're caring… And you, Paige Michalchuk, are destined for greatness." You pause for a moment and have to laugh inside, because if three years ago someone had told you that you would be saying things like that to Paige, you would have told them they were crazy. But everything you're saying is true and you need to make her see that. "Now I know you've always thought that Banting was your future, but maybe it's not. Maybe it's something else. But whatever it is, you're gonna find it and you're gonna kick ass! And the world should be scared." You finish and you notice a small smile on her face, which makes you believe you're doing a good job.
"Don't say that, Alex." She protests. "I'm not this great person and you of all people should know that. I've been hurting you ever since I got here. Just now I called you pathetic. So how can you be here and look at me and say all those wonderful things?"
"Because I know you didn't mean what you said." You simply tell her and this time you really believe that.
"Of course I didn't." She cries and squeezes your hand gently. "You have to know how proud I am of you, Alex. I really am. And I'm so happy that you're doing so great at school and planning great things for your future." She tells you looking at you intently and you just know that she's telling you the truth. You can't help but reply with a small smile as she continues. "It's just that every time you would call me to tell me about yet one more of your A's, I would be sitting there trying to start an essay that everybody in my class has already submitted or I would be about to beg one of my professors for an extension. And I was just so jealous. I know it's stupid and all, but I couldn't help the way I felt."
"It's not stupid." You smile at her. "It hurt what you said, I won't lie, but I know where all of it was coming from." Right now you don't need her to know how hurtful her words really were. Maybe it indeed is pathetic, but you don't want her to feel any shittier than she already does.
"I just… I was just so proud of you and I wanted you to be proud of me too. Because I was the one who always thought that college was the most important thing in the world and now that I was failing at it, I just didn't know how to deal with it. I'm so sorry, Alex." She says in between small sobs and looks at you apologetically. She knows well that you will forgive her, because let's face it, you just can't help it, but you feel better knowing that she at least acknowledges the fact that she has hurt you without you pointing that out to her. Sometimes you hate her for being the kind of person that always says the first thing that comes to her mind and then feels repentant about it. But at the same time you realize that this is who she is and maybe that's part of the reason you fell in love with her in the first place.
"Don't worry about it." You stroke her cheek and you really do want to let her know that you're OK.
"I don't deserve a friend like you." She whispers and maybe she's right. You don't really know. But you're not about to overanalyze your friendship or relationship now. Because you know that whatever conclusions you might arrive at, it won't change the fact that you're so helplessly in love with her and you can't help but always do anything to make her happy. Sometimes you feel like she's taken advantage of that one too many times, but at the same time you know that you haven't been perfect either. You have put her through shit too, but deep down you know that if you needed her, she would be there for you, no questions asked. Regardless of your history and all the drama between the two of you, you know that you can count on her.
"Don't say that." You ask her with a small smile, as you once again take her hand into yours. "We are what we are, Paige. And no matter what happens, we'll always be friends who can turn to each other, right?"
"Right." She sighs and for a moment you feel like she's disappointed at the prospect of the two of you being just friends. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on your part. But you don't want to think about that right now, it's not what right now is about.
"How about you stop whining and I will make us some coffee?" You offer, knowing that good coffee always puts her in a better mood. Of course usually she's not this upset, but you hope that coffee will still help.
"That actually sounds good." She agrees as you help her get up and wipe off the rest of her tears.
"We can discuss the many career paths that you can take if you decide that you're through with Banting. Or we can try and come up with a way for you to still kick some Banting ass. Whatever you want, Paige".
"You know what?" She looks at you still breathing a little heavily, but a lot calmer than five minutes ago. "I think that right now the only thing I wanna discuss is how glad I am to have you in my life. You have no idea how much I've missed you." She grins as she puts her arm around you and the two of you make your way out of the bathroom.
"Oh I think I do." You tell her as you kiss her gently on the forehead. And you can't help but remember how much you really did miss her. You missed her blond hair, her smile, the way she could ramble on and on about stuff that you did not care one bit for. But you missed being the one she would ramble to. Of course when she was at Banting she would call you now and then, but it was never the same as watching her sip a latte and being able to the expression on her face when she would get excited or upset about something. And as you make your way down the stars, your bodies still connected, you feel that maybe you can get some of that back. And you don't know what the future holds for the two of you, but you're just glad to be back in her life again. And you know that she is too. And for now that's enough.