END TRANSMISSION
Like most of the Roci's crew, Bobbie had a stuttered moment of surprise at how naturally Avasarala handled the group of children now on board. She had just looked at them all like they were fucking idiots, which considering the fact she was a mother and a grandmother, Bobbie supposed they were. Still, no matter how sincere or at ease she was in interacting with them, Bobbie could still see her nearly biting her tongue in half whenever she spoke around them. Likely to keep the word fuck from reaching their ears. It was why rather than engage in the normal communal ship board meal, she had grabbed a tray and headed for Avasarala's quarters. She needed a break from all the inane chatter, and she was sure Avasarala's tongue could use a respite from her teeth.
She rapped her knuckles against the hatch and took the noise from the other side as permission to enter. The Roci's normal crew had taken the officers quarters, leaving Avasarala one of the general quarter bunk rooms. She was seated at the end of the table staring at the monitor on the wall. Bobbie froze halfway through the hatch when she saw what she was watching.
When Alex had told her Avasarala knew the man who had rigged the Agatha King to blow, she had thought of Souther, of Nguyen. It reminded her of all the nameless faces she had known aboard the Donnager. Because the King had been UNN, of course Avasarala had known people aboard it. Of course it made more sense for her to know the generals, and not the grunts. Of course she hadn't come to Bobbie and let her know Cotyar had been on that ship. She hadn't known him like she had, didn't have their history.
Avasarala's lips were parted like she was on the verge of interrupting him, yet in every pause they closed, as if she was afraid of talking over him once he started again. He was dead and his scattered remains nothing more than radioactive atoms, but Bobbie still felt her heart clench at the alien blue sheen to his skin. He had been infected when he died. Even if they had gotten to him, there would have been no saving him.
She set the tray down and closed the hatch, by the time she turned around, Avasarala was standing at the monitor. She turned the volume down but didn't stop the transmission from replaying. How long had she been watching it? How many days since their leaving Io had she returned to it? Probably all of them.
Bobbie settled into parade rest near her end of the table and the tray of food she had brought.
"Was there something you needed, sergeant?"
Even with the volume low she could still catch the cadence, the tone of his speech, though not his words. He didn't sound desperate or scared. He sounded at peace, and for a man like him, that was probably the most unexpected thing to find at death. A balanced ledger. She wondered how Avasarala would have to die in order to find such an end.
"You told me killing that hybrid wouldn't bring my squad back."
He was already dead, there was no talking him out of what he had done, no matter how many arguments she constructed.
She narrowed her eyes at Bobbie. "You went after it anyway."
"They're still dead." She could say that now and not want to punch something. The pain was still there, but her reflex for violence had waned.
"Your point?"
"Maybe we were both right." Nothing could have ever brought them back, but at least now they didn't haunt her. Not like they used to. Killing that thing hadn't really been for their benefit anyway. Revenge and catharsis just got muddled sometimes.
She turned back to the monitor and blocked Bobbie's view of her face. She was quiet, not that Bobbie had really expected her to start screaming, no matter the good it could have done her. Her shoulders shook and she wiped at her eyes. Tears clung to her fingertips when she reached out to touch Cotyar's face. Light from the monitor turned them into bright jewels before they vanished into dirty streaks as she caressed the side of his cheek. She waited for the loop to end, turned the monitor off, and sat down at the table to eat.