"Selfish"
by: Ruemaja Takahisa
First entry: July 5, 2003 (9:48 am)
Last entry: July 5, 2003 (1:31 pm)
"You're here again?"
It was Harry who saw me, sitting in front of the archway where the veil could be seen. The veil did not flutter. The veil was still and I watched it with sad eyes. I always came to this place to sit here and watch the veil even in its stillness and the death that hung around the chamber, it looks beautiful and enticing in its own way.
I did not answer his question because he knew the answer to that in the first place. Everyone knew where I went whenever I disappeared. It would usually be in the evening a few days before the full moon.
Harry stood behind me, watching my back as I breathed. I did not turn to him, because I knew what would mirror in those eyes. He worried of course but I did not find anything to worry about. The war was over and Harry was old enough to have his own place. He would come visit me in the Black's Mansion which was left to me and he would try to cheer me up. He reminded me of James a little bit, back then while he stood there. When he was still alive and laughing with us.
But I knew that he was not James. I knew that a long time ago.
"You shouldn't be here…" I said, not turning to him, not letting my eyes wander away from the veil, as if waiting for it to flutter.
"Neither should you, Professor…" Harry said, mildly chiding me.
I laughed. I was usually the one to chide but this time, there was no getting away from it. Everyone had tried to persuade me to leave the veil. And I did, for a moment, during the war whilst we fought. Whilst we had to protect Harry. Whilst Harry needed me.
But he doesn't need me anymore.
And I had no one left. Everyone would eventually leave. I would always be alone but while I am here, near the veil I would be alright. I wouldn't be alone. Because Sirius is behind the veil. The veil fluttered for a moment and I could not tear away from it. Maybe the reason why I find it so beautiful is because Sirius is behind it.
Sirius could always make something look beautiful, even as he fell through the veil, he made it almost as if everything was profound. How I cried tears then. But I would never allow them to fall. Vaguely I could hear his chiding in my heart.
Silly, you shouldn't cry… He would've told me then. Don't you cry…
"Professor Lupin, you should come with me…" Harry said, behind me. "Come on, let's go home…"
"Where is 'home'?" I whispered to myself.
Harry seemed to be taken back by what I had said. I have done everything for him. Everything I did was for him. I wish I could have what I wished for. But such things were never meant to be…
Perhaps…
I slowly stood up, smiling. Harry was old enough. He could take care of himself. He's got people who would take care of him and everyone else. I am the last of those remnants from a past that will always be remembered and It was also time for me to choose my own path now. A path I knew to be right.
"So here you both are!" Tonks exclaimed, happily as she walked into the chamber. "We've been looking all over for you…"
But she stopped.
"Lupin, what are you doing…?" She asked.
I slowly turned and the veil behind fluttered once again. The veil was calling me. Inviting me to stay.
"Harry, you're old enough to take care of yourself and you have no need for me to stay here…" I began.
He took a step closer alarm written all over his face. Tonks looked shocked and was about to run and perhaps force me to leave the room but something stopped them.
I knew what stopped them. I knew it from the start.
A pair of strong, welcoming arms circled around me, slowly from the veil, holding me firmly as if it would never let me go. Warm breath tickled my neck as I tilted it sideways, exposing my flesh. Ghostly lips hovering.
"Sirius!!" Tonks exclaimed.
I saw my reflection in Harry's emerald eyes—so much like Lily's—and smiled. Sirius Black was standing behind me, embracing me tightly to him. I didn't want him to let go. I didn't want him to suddenly disappear again. A tear trickled down my eye and I turned my head, slightly, to see a pair of storm gray eyes.
I smiled and turned back to look at Harry. My own hands slowly reaching up to feel the flesh in the arms of the man I loved.
"Harry, I have to go with Sirius now…" I said, calmly.
"B-but—!"
"Remus, do you even know what you're doing?!!" Tonks exclaimed.
"I'm not going to commit suicide, Tonks…" I said, laughing for a moment.
"Then what?!" She exclaimed, exasperated. "You should stop talking such nonsense!" Tonks shouted. "Come here, Remus Lupin! Don't make me come there and get you!!"
I closed my eyes. "Please let me be selfish…" I whispered, pleading. "Just this once, I wish to be selfish…" a slight pause. "I'm so tired… So very tired…"
I have always admired Professor Lupin for his intellect and kind heart. My godfather, Sirius, when he was still with us often spoke his name with some great pride in it. I knew then that they were something more than just friends.
When Sirius died, Professor Lupin looked so lost but he tried to hide it at best he could because he had always told me that Sirius would never want us to mourn. I have stopped mourning all together for his sake and for my godfather. I have learned the world through other people's eyes and feelings as well as that of my own.
After the war, I stayed at the Black Mansion with him. He always looked after me. It almost like having a father for he acted as one now that my father and godfather are no longer here.
But after that year, I was old enough and had my own house nearby so I could drop by to make sure that he'd be fine. People often came to visit him and he would always smile as if nothing was wrong. I knew better. Behind that smiling façade, I knew there was something wrong with him.
After a while he started to disappear a few days before the full moon.
I would go out to look for him until I found him in front of the veil, sitting there and staring as if his life depended on it. And I would ask him, what was wrong? As if there was really nothing the matter with him.
He would smile though. That sad little half smile and eyes dimming with tears that he would never let go. After all these years, he couldn't simply let my godfather's death go. He was just hiding it someplace no one would ever see. Just so he could be strong for everyone.
I would watch him sometimes then he would rise to leave the room with me, not even looking back at the veil. When we leave he would talk about other things. Simple things that perhaps mattered and not matter at the same time. He would talk, sometimes I would do the talking and he would listen.
We could talk about other things and such whatnot he never talked about my godfather.
Never about Sirius.
After that I always knew where to find him if he left without a word. He would come here in this deathly chamber to think. Other people thought he was mad to want to come back . I knew better.
Professor Remus Lupin was never mad.
I wasn't therefore surprised at what he had said then that he wanted to be selfish. He never asked for anything at all. But this.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
Tonks turned to me as if my head had flown off my head.
I was watching the Professor. But now he was not professor anymore. He was 'Moony' to 'Padfoot'. He was 'Remus' to 'Sirius'. He was 'lover' and 'friend'. That mattered to him more than everything else in the whole world.
"I am old, Harry…" he said. "I never told you, did I? That I was dying?"
It took while before that registered. But I have heard of it perhaps. Everyone whispered some things to each other. Something about the professor. But I didn't quite catch it. Now I know what that was.
The Professor looked up at the ceiling. Placing his hands on the hands that held him.
"I'll die today…" He said, plainly smiling as is if the prospect didn't put him off at all. "I've always known I'd die today…"
Then he turned to me his eyes shinning. "You've grown up…" He remarked. "Everyone's very proud of you…" He continued. "Everyone is very happy to see you all grown up…" Then he smiled. "I have fulfilled everything else I needed to do…"
He staggered back but the arms that held him didn't falter. In fact it was the only thing that kept him from falling. And the arms did not pull him to the veil. I knew Sirius would never do that.
"So please, let me be selfish…" He finished.
"We can get you to St. Mungus!" Tonks protested. "Oh, please, Remus!"
He shook his head. "They've told me that I would die soon…" Then he smiled. "That's why if I am to die, I wish to die here…"
The truth was, when I said those words, I really didn't quite believe them myself.
I have always known the complications of Remus Lupin's condition. He was ailing in more ways than just one. But he had always been strong. Even as he saw everyone die before him, he was strong. Because he had a reason to be strong. But even though his soul is strong, his fragile body cannot take anymore of the pressures he had been left to endure since childhood.
His body must yield someday.
He and I had talked about such things then when we were alone or when people aren't listening. Molly knows of these things too of course. He had spoken to her about that as well. But his body can no longer be strong.
He must yield too.
I knew it was futile to tell him that we can help. But in truth I cannot do anything about his ailment.
"That's why, if I am to die, I wish to die here…" Lupin had said.
Lupin was a very good friend. I watched him the whole time. I've always thought he would never break. But finally, he has. I walked closer to him but not to pull him away, I gave him a small kiss on his cheek.
I hadn't realized I was crying.
"Take care then…" I said. "I'll take care of your things for you…"
Harry took a few steps closer and gave him a small nod. Then Lupin smiled, gently at him. A real smile. The veil continued to waver and I saw Remus younger now. All the wrinkles on his face gone, his amber eyes glinting with joy, his honey hair unmarred by any gray hairs. Sirius was smiling behind him.
"Remus…" Harry began. He was trying not to cry but then it finally came. "Please take care…"
Lupin nodded and closed his eyes. It would be the last I would see that smile on his lips…
The arms that had wrapped around Professor Lupin faded and he fell forward. Tonks and I did not run to catch him. I knew that someone else's able, welcoming arms were there to catch him. He did not even make a sound.
I knelt down beside Remus and rolled him over as if to see him for the last time, holding him closely. He was smiling even as he died. He looked young again. As young as he did when I saw him through Snape's thoughts. Free of any pain.
Tonks was crying silent tears. Vaguely, I could hear steps outside. I cradled the man in my arms. He was my friend. He was the last of the Marauders. The last of the memories of my parents. The last to fall. The last to yield.
"What happened?!" A voice, Ron's, spoke from behind me.
"Is Professor Lupin alright?" Hermoine's voice was full of concern as she spoke.
They must've come in while I was here. I nodded, smiling as I looked at them. Both knelt beside me.
"Yes…" I replied, quietly. "He's better now…" I closed my eyes and the tears fell. "Better than he ever has in his life…"
In a forest of some far away fairyland of dreams, I knew a wolf was chasing a dog in the moonlight. They would bark at each other as if in laughter. And they would run together, happily ever after…
by: Ruemaja Takahisa
First entry: July 5, 2003 (9:48 am)
Last entry: July 5, 2003 (1:31 pm)
"You're here again?"
It was Harry who saw me, sitting in front of the archway where the veil could be seen. The veil did not flutter. The veil was still and I watched it with sad eyes. I always came to this place to sit here and watch the veil even in its stillness and the death that hung around the chamber, it looks beautiful and enticing in its own way.
I did not answer his question because he knew the answer to that in the first place. Everyone knew where I went whenever I disappeared. It would usually be in the evening a few days before the full moon.
Harry stood behind me, watching my back as I breathed. I did not turn to him, because I knew what would mirror in those eyes. He worried of course but I did not find anything to worry about. The war was over and Harry was old enough to have his own place. He would come visit me in the Black's Mansion which was left to me and he would try to cheer me up. He reminded me of James a little bit, back then while he stood there. When he was still alive and laughing with us.
But I knew that he was not James. I knew that a long time ago.
"You shouldn't be here…" I said, not turning to him, not letting my eyes wander away from the veil, as if waiting for it to flutter.
"Neither should you, Professor…" Harry said, mildly chiding me.
I laughed. I was usually the one to chide but this time, there was no getting away from it. Everyone had tried to persuade me to leave the veil. And I did, for a moment, during the war whilst we fought. Whilst we had to protect Harry. Whilst Harry needed me.
But he doesn't need me anymore.
And I had no one left. Everyone would eventually leave. I would always be alone but while I am here, near the veil I would be alright. I wouldn't be alone. Because Sirius is behind the veil. The veil fluttered for a moment and I could not tear away from it. Maybe the reason why I find it so beautiful is because Sirius is behind it.
Sirius could always make something look beautiful, even as he fell through the veil, he made it almost as if everything was profound. How I cried tears then. But I would never allow them to fall. Vaguely I could hear his chiding in my heart.
Silly, you shouldn't cry… He would've told me then. Don't you cry…
"Professor Lupin, you should come with me…" Harry said, behind me. "Come on, let's go home…"
"Where is 'home'?" I whispered to myself.
Harry seemed to be taken back by what I had said. I have done everything for him. Everything I did was for him. I wish I could have what I wished for. But such things were never meant to be…
Perhaps…
I slowly stood up, smiling. Harry was old enough. He could take care of himself. He's got people who would take care of him and everyone else. I am the last of those remnants from a past that will always be remembered and It was also time for me to choose my own path now. A path I knew to be right.
"So here you both are!" Tonks exclaimed, happily as she walked into the chamber. "We've been looking all over for you…"
But she stopped.
"Lupin, what are you doing…?" She asked.
I slowly turned and the veil behind fluttered once again. The veil was calling me. Inviting me to stay.
"Harry, you're old enough to take care of yourself and you have no need for me to stay here…" I began.
He took a step closer alarm written all over his face. Tonks looked shocked and was about to run and perhaps force me to leave the room but something stopped them.
I knew what stopped them. I knew it from the start.
A pair of strong, welcoming arms circled around me, slowly from the veil, holding me firmly as if it would never let me go. Warm breath tickled my neck as I tilted it sideways, exposing my flesh. Ghostly lips hovering.
"Sirius!!" Tonks exclaimed.
I saw my reflection in Harry's emerald eyes—so much like Lily's—and smiled. Sirius Black was standing behind me, embracing me tightly to him. I didn't want him to let go. I didn't want him to suddenly disappear again. A tear trickled down my eye and I turned my head, slightly, to see a pair of storm gray eyes.
I smiled and turned back to look at Harry. My own hands slowly reaching up to feel the flesh in the arms of the man I loved.
"Harry, I have to go with Sirius now…" I said, calmly.
"B-but—!"
"Remus, do you even know what you're doing?!!" Tonks exclaimed.
"I'm not going to commit suicide, Tonks…" I said, laughing for a moment.
"Then what?!" She exclaimed, exasperated. "You should stop talking such nonsense!" Tonks shouted. "Come here, Remus Lupin! Don't make me come there and get you!!"
I closed my eyes. "Please let me be selfish…" I whispered, pleading. "Just this once, I wish to be selfish…" a slight pause. "I'm so tired… So very tired…"
I have always admired Professor Lupin for his intellect and kind heart. My godfather, Sirius, when he was still with us often spoke his name with some great pride in it. I knew then that they were something more than just friends.
When Sirius died, Professor Lupin looked so lost but he tried to hide it at best he could because he had always told me that Sirius would never want us to mourn. I have stopped mourning all together for his sake and for my godfather. I have learned the world through other people's eyes and feelings as well as that of my own.
After the war, I stayed at the Black Mansion with him. He always looked after me. It almost like having a father for he acted as one now that my father and godfather are no longer here.
But after that year, I was old enough and had my own house nearby so I could drop by to make sure that he'd be fine. People often came to visit him and he would always smile as if nothing was wrong. I knew better. Behind that smiling façade, I knew there was something wrong with him.
After a while he started to disappear a few days before the full moon.
I would go out to look for him until I found him in front of the veil, sitting there and staring as if his life depended on it. And I would ask him, what was wrong? As if there was really nothing the matter with him.
He would smile though. That sad little half smile and eyes dimming with tears that he would never let go. After all these years, he couldn't simply let my godfather's death go. He was just hiding it someplace no one would ever see. Just so he could be strong for everyone.
I would watch him sometimes then he would rise to leave the room with me, not even looking back at the veil. When we leave he would talk about other things. Simple things that perhaps mattered and not matter at the same time. He would talk, sometimes I would do the talking and he would listen.
We could talk about other things and such whatnot he never talked about my godfather.
Never about Sirius.
After that I always knew where to find him if he left without a word. He would come here in this deathly chamber to think. Other people thought he was mad to want to come back . I knew better.
Professor Remus Lupin was never mad.
I wasn't therefore surprised at what he had said then that he wanted to be selfish. He never asked for anything at all. But this.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
Tonks turned to me as if my head had flown off my head.
I was watching the Professor. But now he was not professor anymore. He was 'Moony' to 'Padfoot'. He was 'Remus' to 'Sirius'. He was 'lover' and 'friend'. That mattered to him more than everything else in the whole world.
"I am old, Harry…" he said. "I never told you, did I? That I was dying?"
It took while before that registered. But I have heard of it perhaps. Everyone whispered some things to each other. Something about the professor. But I didn't quite catch it. Now I know what that was.
The Professor looked up at the ceiling. Placing his hands on the hands that held him.
"I'll die today…" He said, plainly smiling as is if the prospect didn't put him off at all. "I've always known I'd die today…"
Then he turned to me his eyes shinning. "You've grown up…" He remarked. "Everyone's very proud of you…" He continued. "Everyone is very happy to see you all grown up…" Then he smiled. "I have fulfilled everything else I needed to do…"
He staggered back but the arms that held him didn't falter. In fact it was the only thing that kept him from falling. And the arms did not pull him to the veil. I knew Sirius would never do that.
"So please, let me be selfish…" He finished.
"We can get you to St. Mungus!" Tonks protested. "Oh, please, Remus!"
He shook his head. "They've told me that I would die soon…" Then he smiled. "That's why if I am to die, I wish to die here…"
The truth was, when I said those words, I really didn't quite believe them myself.
I have always known the complications of Remus Lupin's condition. He was ailing in more ways than just one. But he had always been strong. Even as he saw everyone die before him, he was strong. Because he had a reason to be strong. But even though his soul is strong, his fragile body cannot take anymore of the pressures he had been left to endure since childhood.
His body must yield someday.
He and I had talked about such things then when we were alone or when people aren't listening. Molly knows of these things too of course. He had spoken to her about that as well. But his body can no longer be strong.
He must yield too.
I knew it was futile to tell him that we can help. But in truth I cannot do anything about his ailment.
"That's why, if I am to die, I wish to die here…" Lupin had said.
Lupin was a very good friend. I watched him the whole time. I've always thought he would never break. But finally, he has. I walked closer to him but not to pull him away, I gave him a small kiss on his cheek.
I hadn't realized I was crying.
"Take care then…" I said. "I'll take care of your things for you…"
Harry took a few steps closer and gave him a small nod. Then Lupin smiled, gently at him. A real smile. The veil continued to waver and I saw Remus younger now. All the wrinkles on his face gone, his amber eyes glinting with joy, his honey hair unmarred by any gray hairs. Sirius was smiling behind him.
"Remus…" Harry began. He was trying not to cry but then it finally came. "Please take care…"
Lupin nodded and closed his eyes. It would be the last I would see that smile on his lips…
The arms that had wrapped around Professor Lupin faded and he fell forward. Tonks and I did not run to catch him. I knew that someone else's able, welcoming arms were there to catch him. He did not even make a sound.
I knelt down beside Remus and rolled him over as if to see him for the last time, holding him closely. He was smiling even as he died. He looked young again. As young as he did when I saw him through Snape's thoughts. Free of any pain.
Tonks was crying silent tears. Vaguely, I could hear steps outside. I cradled the man in my arms. He was my friend. He was the last of the Marauders. The last of the memories of my parents. The last to fall. The last to yield.
"What happened?!" A voice, Ron's, spoke from behind me.
"Is Professor Lupin alright?" Hermoine's voice was full of concern as she spoke.
They must've come in while I was here. I nodded, smiling as I looked at them. Both knelt beside me.
"Yes…" I replied, quietly. "He's better now…" I closed my eyes and the tears fell. "Better than he ever has in his life…"
In a forest of some far away fairyland of dreams, I knew a wolf was chasing a dog in the moonlight. They would bark at each other as if in laughter. And they would run together, happily ever after…