Author's Notes: I'm actually exceedingly happy with the way this story turned out. I didn't have to go through and edit, edit, edit like I usually do, so it is really just one huge relief. Fairly recently, I read a Neji/Naruto story and pretty much fell in love with the pairing. And I can actually see it happening, unlike some. But anyhow.
Re-submitted due to the author's gasps when she saw just how many errors there were. Summery: "It was you're eyes in the moonlight." Neji learns that sometimes a long burning torch pays off. Neji/Naruto
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Naruto and Co.
Luminescent
--
It was meant to be a one night stand. A simple wham, bam, thank you ma'am (err, sir), where he was to be gone before the glaring sun even woke me up. No strings attached, no feelings, no nothing. I know, for me anyhow, it was just supposed to be a way to forget, if just for a little while. A way to ease the sting of Sasuke's betrayal, of Sakura's final rejection, a way to prove to myself that I was still human.
But I should have known that I was incapable of something as seedy as a one night stand. I should have known I would get attached. It was just in my nature. When you grew up in a world where you've been alone since birth and that same world hates your guts for reasons unknown, you tend to cling desperately to every little connection you have with another member of the human race. By the time Neji and I first had sex, I had made many connections. With Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei, with my now broken team seven of Sasuke and Sakura, with Tsunade and Jiraiya and my fellow genin.
And I cherished those connections something fierce, pocketed them away into a secret place of my heart that I thought would never get any use. I wore these connections proudly on my chest like some kind of mislead badge of achievement. I counted the blessings of my friends and teachers and, for the first time in my miserable little life, felt like I meant something, felt like I had importance and had taken that first, crucial step toward achieving my dream.
And then, through my tragically accidental rose-tinted glasses, I saw for the first time the fissures appear at the foundation to all my relationships. In all truth, my relationship with Sasuke had begun as an enormous crack, a canyon even that, with time, with each passing day, began to fill in, to cement the foundation strongly into the ground. It was after Itachi's reappearance that the nearly closed hairline fracture in the foundation exploded, sending the little bits in all directions to be picked up by the wind.
Sakura had pleaded with me to bring Sasuke back to her, saying I was the only one whom could. I promised her that I would, promised her that the three of us would be laughing at this before too long. Of course, that is also when it really began to sink in. Sakura didn't love me, probably never would because she loved Sasuke with everything she was. And damn it, it broke my heart but I still wanted to see her happy. So I made that inescapable promise to her.
We all know how that turned out. An epic battle between two same-time rivals and best friends. The truth laid out for each of us to finally see. Two young lives almost lost and, irregardless, Sasuke gone forever.
After that, I was to leave the rest of my seemingly cracking relationships behind to train with one of the legendary Sannin, which would irrevocably bring me a leap closer to my dream.
A lot of it was in my imagination, the cracks in my relationships, things my mind had made up after my dismal failure. No one blamed me for failing to bring Sasuke back, not even Sakura whom it meant the most to. Never once did she say any foul word against my efforts. She actually commended my efforts, praised me for my trials, and even tried to move on after a time. Move on, that is, until we were both strong enough to drag Sasuke back by his ears if necessary.
--
If I had to pinpoint an exact place in time that it started, I'd have to say that it was on the home-trip after rescuing Gaara from the Akatsuki. We had stopped for the night, resting in a wonderful little nook of a cave stashed away in a seemingly much overlooked rock formation. Everyone—that is, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei, Gai-sensei, Lee, TenTen (whom, admittedly, I'd never paid much attention to)—was sleeping soundly while I was on watch. Everyone except Neji.
I could feel him watching me as I slowly scanned the eerie expanse of sand in front of me. For some reason, without even looking, I knew it was him. Without turning, I ushered him over with my hand.
It was surprising enough to find him watching me as I had, more surprising yet when he actually rose from his make-shift bed to sit next to me.
We sat silently like that for an incalculable period, perhaps only a few minutes, equally as likely an hour, before Neji turned to me, eyes luminescent in the night sky, and said, "You've changed, Naruto, you've changed a lot." His voice had always been mature, but it was now tenfold, as if he was someone who had seen it all before, but was again experiencing life with fresh, renewed eyes. His eyes looked that same to me as they had before. It was strange.
"I suppose," I agreed noncommittally, eyeing him curiously. He looked like he wanted to say more, but was having trouble putting it to words.
Almost somberly, he shifted his gaze back to the sand. The moon was impossibly bright, casting shadow upon every object displaced on the brilliant sand. With the sun had gone the heat of the day, leaving only the biting air. For as chilly as it had gotten, hardly any of that pure, unfiltered dry had gone, at least not enough to be deemed noticeable. I could feel my lips and skin chapping as I sat.
Choosing his words carefully, Neji went on after a time. "Naruto, I've changed too."
Knitting my eyebrows in confusion, I let out a quiet, yet hearty chuckle. "Yes, Neji, I can see that."
"Can you?" he asked quickly, resolutely, as if my answer would determine the fate of the world. In a way, it would, but I just couldn't see it yet and neither could he.
"Of course I can."
Another quick, clipped response. "How so?"
"Neji, you're the one who said you've changed and now you're asking me—"
One simple utterance fell from his mouth, cutting me off. "Please," was all.
I was quiet for a moment, trying to pin down exactly how many ways he had changed over the two and a half years I was absent. There were the obvious, physical ones. He had gotten taller, filled out some. His face was longer, less round, eyes containing more wisdom than they had before, which surprisingly suited someone so young. There were the definite personality changes as well. He was no longer blithering about fate and a predetermined and inescapable life. He seemed calmer, but a true calm that was a far cry from his previous faux calm that always seemed to be simmering with rage, just barely under the surface. No, there was something else. Something more, but I didn't quite know what it was.
I told him this.
He laughed in a way I thought to be lighthearted. "I suppose that's a pretty fair assessment, but don't you think the word 'blithering' is a little harsh?"
I thought for a moment, then replying honestly, "No, I really don't." I didn't want to offend him, but it seemed almost as if he was testing me.
"I don't either," he agreed, obviously receiving whatever information he had been seeking that I was completely oblivious to, and stood. Looking down at me, eyes blazing with an unflinchable concentration that captivated me and yet made me want to cower at the same time, he added, "I don't think you're a loser, Naruto. You never were. In some ways, you're one of the wisest of the Leaf shinobi." Appearing satisfied, he vanished back inside the cave, leaving me to dwell upon tonight's conversation and one that took place nearly three years ago
--
I didn't get the chance to talk to Neji again until about a month after we returned to the village. We were immediately sent out by Tsunade on new missions with our respective teams. Team seven had been given a very peculiar replacement for Sasuke, called Sai. The two of us didn't exactly hit it off to say the least.
The mission was enough to preoccupy me during the daylight, but once night rolled around, I dwelled on Neji's words. The mission suffered as I was getting less and less sleep, leaving me in a permanent state of an exhausted wired.
I don't thing you're a loser, Naruto, he'd said to me. You never were.
In all honesty, I really didn't know what to make of it. I tried to brush it off with the simplicity such a statement should have had. He didn't think I was a loser, so what? But for some reason, it really meant something coming from someone like Neji. No, I surmised, it meant something coming from Neji. I couldn't fathom why, especially since during my near three year absence, I hadn't really given Neji or any of my friends much real thought, instead immersing myself in my training. But they had all been in my heart as I trained, fuel for the reason I got up every morning, wanting to be the best I could be. I did it all for them.
And now, after returning to the village and saying so few words to him, I couldn't get his simple utterance from my head, nor the seemingly profoundness of which he said it; with ease, with meaning.
I'd heard from Lee only a month or so before that Neji had moved out of his home with surprising permission from his uncle, something about broadening horizons and whatnot. I suppose this is why I found myself knocking on his door at two o'clock in the morning, only minutes after arriving in the village from my mission.
A little bit of rationality overcame my brain. Who in their right mind would pay a visit to someone at two o'clock in the fucking morning just to figure out what they meant when they said you weren't a loser? Who in their right mind, indeed. I was tired and curious and a little lonely, but what was Neji supposed to do about that that couldn't wait until morning? Which is why I fled, taking a back alley until I reached the safety of my apartment with a reassured sigh.
I was in my apartment perhaps two minutes when a knock came from my own door. Without opening it, I knew it was Neji.
"I saw your light on," he said quickly, face flushed from having been sleeping. We both knew he was lying. His breath was a little uneven, as if he had been running. I let him in.
"Ramen?" I asked him, making my way into my minuscule kitchen. "I haven't eaten in ages."
"Okay," he said, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall, watching me as I made quite the show of pulling a pot from the cupboard, filling it with water, washing two bowls and spoons. I was suddenly very nervous with Neji there. The question 'what did you mean?' boiled just under the surface, threatening to break skin, but I didn't seem able to bring it to words.
A few minutes later, when the ramen was done, we sat quietly on my couch. Only half-finished with my soup, I set the bowl down next to me (which in itself, is very unusual for me). I had finally worked up the courage, asking, "Neji, what did you mean that night when you said I wasn't a loser?"
I had expected him to laugh at my question, giggle at the very least. Not that Neji would ever giggle. In my mind, it just seemed beneath him.
But he didn't. He didn't even crack a smile, his face just as thoughtfully serious as it always was. "I meant exactly what I said, Naruto. There was no hidden meaning."
"Oh," I said simply, proceeding to count the cracks in my wall that I, for some reason, hoped he didn't see.
After a moment of carefully planning his words, Neji asked, "Did you think there was?"
No, I wanted to say, I was just curious. But I couldn't bring myself to lie outright to him. "I don't know," I said instead, rather lamely in fact.
"Naruto, you can always tell me the truth, even if you think it hurts. I value truth a lot than I do my well-being. You can tell me."
"I'm not sure, I just thought I don't really know." Which was the truth. I just didn't know anymore, much of anything.
"Fair enough," he said somewhat cordially. He paused, unsure, before continuing. "Is that why you stopped by my apartment? Or was there another reason?"
"Another reason?" I asked. "Like what?" At the time, I couldn't think of any. It didn't take me long before I did.
"I don't know," he replied, his voice not nearly as composed as it had been a minute ago. I couldn't understand the reason behind the difference. "I was just curious, that's all."
Both bowls of ramen lay forgotten as we sat in silence, both wondering just what the fuck was going on. Finally, I asked, "You done with your soup?" grabbing it when he nodded, dumping the contents in the trash.
Rinsing them out, I felt two arms snake around my stomach and pull me away from the sink until I was flush with the body behind me, making me stumble in the process. I hadn't even heard him get up, let alone cross the room.
"I can't take this any more, I really can't," Neji hissed into my ear, composure shot to the wind. "I really can't. Either throw me out now or fuck me."
I was thrown completely off guard. It was sexual tension that had filled the room with all its awkward little pauses. I had never in my life felt any sort of longing toward anyone of the same sex, but when Neji said my name with so much pure need, I wanted him like I'd never wanted anyone in my short life.
I was fifteen, in my prime as far as hormonal teenage years came, and a few months shy of sixteen, but I had never been with anyone intimately. So I was understandably nervous about the situation, but especially how quickly a desire for Neji had developed. I thought about the body that was pressed fully and unashamedly to my back, about the lithe, but strong frame, the all-knowing eyes that had glowed (fucking glowed) that night in the desert sky, the long, dark hair just the thought of running my fingers through that hair nearly made my knees buckle.
He caught me, his arms around me tight. "It's just sex, Naruto," he said, and I didn't know who he was trying to convince—me or himself.
I breathed out slowly, knowing I had to make a decision and quickly. His eyes appeared before me in my mind again and I gave in, threading my fingers through his. After all, it would just be a one night stand. He would be gone by morning, I told myself.
He breathed a sigh of relief, burying his face in my neck. I could feel his lips, his tongue, his teeth on my skin, nipping gently, kissing possessively. When he paused, just long enough to turn me around to face him, I almost cried at the loss of touch. Mere milliseconds later, his lips were crashing into mine, forcing my head up to make up the difference in our heights. I had grown taller, but so had Neji.
On their own will, my were quickly entwined with that luscious hair of his, marveling at the unexpected softness of it, the silky feel as I dragged my fingers through, wondering exactly what it would feel like draped over my naked body.
--
That night I dreamed of many things. I'm not the type who usually remembers their dreams unless they are extra weird, extra meaningful, or extra erotic. I don't know, that's just the way I've always been. I could remember two separate dreams from that night. The first was of me walking and walking, trying my damnedest to get to a location that was always out of reach no matter how close I got. In the second, I was me in deep combat with another, whose face eluded me because of the ANBU-type mask he wore. His fists were quick and his attacks were precise, leaving me bloody on the battle field, until I was staring up at him from the flat of my back. He walked up to me, took off his mask and said in a half-arrogant, half-melancholy voice, "You'll never learn, Naruto, you'll never learn." That's when I saw that my opponent was me.
I'd never seen too much use in analyzing the death out of dreams. I mean, what's the point? It's just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo your subconscious spews into your mind to confuse you. A real load of crap. I didn't pay much attention to the dreams until later on in life when I was a similar cross-roads, although the circumstances were drastically different.
I winced as the sun hit my face in a scorching stream, burning the backs of my sleep-ridden eyelids. Rolling over onto my stomach and away from the window, I encountered a roadblock in the form of another sleeping body. Who ever it was grunted in a dignified sort of way, laying a hand on my side to still me, ushering me back asleep.
Another body? my brain processed in its slow state. Why the hell would there be another body? My eyes snapped open, taking in the sleeping form of Hyuuga Neji, a long strand of dark hair falling across his headband, almost caressing it.
"I didn't think you'd be here when I woke up," I said groggily, remembering everything that had transpired with a small blush.
He grunted again, swatting at me, obviously trying to shut me up. I was beginning to think Neji wasn't a morning person.
"It's true," I said, letting my head fall back onto the mattress (he was hogging my only pillow).
Wearily, he opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling until things came into focus before shifting those eyes to me. "What made you think I would just leave?" he asked.
"I don't know," I began. "I thought last night was just a a satisfying of the needs." I'd gotten that line from the latest Make-out Paradise book, the one I'd given Kakashi upon returning to the village.
"Well, it was," he said, slapping a hand over his forehead. "That's what sex is. But last night I oh, I don't know, Naruto. Were you really under the impression that I would just make love to you and then leave?" He said this sitting up, his eyes gazing down at me, seeking the truth.
My brain reeled. He considered it 'making love.' He could have just as easily said 'had sex' or 'fucked' or 'screwed' or something of the sort, but he didn't, he said that we 'made love.' I didn't know what to make of it. Instead of answering, I sat up too, letting the sheet slide down my bare chest to pool at my waist.
Knowing that he was waiting for an answer, I replied, "I don't really know what I thought. I don't really know what we're doing. I've never done anything like this before."
His brow furrowed in a mild frustration. "I like you, Naruto, I thought I made that quite obvious to you."
"You what?!" I said quickly. Taking a deep breath, I looked at him and said, "You like me? Like-like me?"
He nodded patiently. Man, he really had changed. I didn't remember him having much patience before, not before we fought each other at the Chuunin exams. "I-I'm sorry, I really didn't get the hint."
He let out a sharp burst of air, chuckling. "I practically beg you to sleep with me and you didn't get the hint?"
"Well," I said somewhat defensively, "no one has ever really liked me before. How was I supposed to know?"
"You've been liked before. You were just a little too dense to notice then too," he said, smiling at me.
"Really?" I asked, quite surprised. "By who?"
Neji shook his head. "It really isn't my place to say."
"But you like me? Like, you want to be my boyfriend?" I asked, seeking confirmation.
I hoped that I wasn't wearing his patience thin, because I tended to do that, especially when I didn't understand something. His voice was calm, though, solemn and serious. "Yes, I do like you. And only if you'll have me."
Before I had a chance to answer, my bedroom door flew open then, revealing two very startled teammates of mine. Sakura's face instantly flamed, her eyes shooting to the floor. Sai's face broke out into a huge grin. "Well that explains why you didn't hear us knocking."
"Knocking?" I said faintly, turning to Neji. He shook his head, indicating that he hadn't heard it either.
"It also explains why you turned me down when I propositioned you during our mission," Sai went on.
Now I was really confused. "You propositioned me?"
Sakura let out a nervous sort of giggle. "You probably didn't understand him," she said, her eyes skittering up to survey the, um, situation.
Sai's eyes widened. "I knew it! Sakura's a yaoi fan girl!"
If possible, her face flushed more, slapping a hand over her eyes. "We came to investigate when you didn't show up for training," she said, trying hard to keep her voice even. "You should probably hurry up or Kakashi might actually show up before you do." With that, she grabbed Sai by the sleeve and hauled the both of them out the door.
"That was unexpected," I said nervously, therapeutically massaging my forehead.
"Indeed," Neji replied. He seemed on edge now, swinging his legs out of the bed to get dressed. "You should probably hurry up," he said with his back to me.
I got out of bed, grabbing my clothes and quickly dressing in them. "Neji?" I said as he practically ran to my door.
He stopped, hand on the door knob. "Yes Naruto?"
"A-are you coming over later?" I asked somewhat timidly.
"No, Naruto, I'm not. If you wish to see me, then you must come to my home. Only come if you really want to, though."
—
Yet again, I was having trouble thinking of anything but Neji's words. I was having trouble fathoming what he meant when he'd said to come only if I really wanted to. Of course I wanted to come, wasn't that much obvious? I could have easily stopped his advances last night, but I hadn't. I could have easily kicked him out at first light as if it truly was a one night stand like I'd thought it would be. I just couldn't picture myself sleeping with someone and tossing them out the door, whether I was madly in love with them or hated their fucking guts. Then again, I couldn't imagine sleeping with someone I hated either.
I decided to ask Sakura to translate Neji's words this time. She frowned slightly at my question, her pink hair bobbing slightly as she looked up at me and my utter confusion. "He actually said that?" she asked.
I nodded.
She let out a short laugh. "Heh, well it's really about time."
I raised an eyebrow. "Time for what?" I asked, more confused than ever.
"Naruto," my teammate sighed discouragingly. "Naruto, I probably shouldn't be the one to tell you this, but Neji has been in love with you for years. Practically since you kicked his ass in the Chuunin exams."
"Wait...what?!" I asked, my jaw dropping. Neji was in love with me. I hadn't thought that it would be anything more than a physical relationship between us, a friendship with a few benefits. He'd told me earlier that he liked me. Like I could deal with, like I could comprehend. But...love? Love was something entirely different. I didn't know the first thing about love.
"He told you that?"
"Oh, Naruto, you really are always the last one to figure things out. No, Neji didn't tell me, or anyone else as far as I know, but it's so obvious. The way he looks at you, it's heartbreaking."
My brain was rattling at the information. Neji was in love with me. And had been for a few years. It was almost too much to process.
"What are you going to do now?" she asked quietly.
"I don't know," I replied honestly. And I didn't.
Sighing again, Sakura said, "I really hope you make the right decision. The decision that's right for you. You can't save everyone, and definitely can't placate them all."
—
Sakura had never been more right: I really did have a decision to make. Did I love Neji? Did I even like him that way? It was true that I discovered myself to be physically attracted to him, but it was almost impossible not to be. He was walking perfection. But was it more than just lust?
I wandered the village, deep in thought, for hours before I found myself unconsciously knocking on Neji's door. He opened the door a moment later, wearing only a pair of sweat pants a look of slight surprise. He didn't think I was going to show up. But his eyes looked hopeful, more hopeful than I'd ever seen them. He was usually so stuck in the past, dwelling in places that he no longer belonged. Inwardly, I was pleased.
"Come in, Naruto," he said quietly, putting a slight emphasis on my name as he spoke. He moved aside, allowing me to walk inside.
Before I could even stop myself, the words I was bursting to scream slipped out of my mouth. "Neji, why do you love me?"
He blanched, face turning several shades paler than his naturally pale coloring. "What makes you say..." He trailed off before letting out a frustrated sigh. Massaging his temples, he began again. "Who told you?"
"It doesn't really matter who told me, Neji. I just want to know why."
He looked stricken. "Naruto, if you're here to make fun of me, then please–"
"I'd never make fun of you," I butted in, my voice nary louder than a whisper.
He was silent for an eternity of a moment before going on, "You're right. You wouldn't."
The two of us made our way to his small living room, taking opposite sides of the small couch. "Please, Neji," I began. "I have to know."
Turning to look at me, his eyes so pure, Neji said simply, "Naruto, you give me hope. I think that's why I love you."
"I give you hope?" I asked, dumbfounded.
Neji nodded, a shiver running through his long hair. "You're such a strong person and, even though we haven't known each other but a few years, you've taught me more about life than anyone else. You see the world differently than others do. Most think the world is made up of things they can and can't do, while you believe you can do anything. And when you put you're mind to it, you can do anything."
"I couldn't save Sasuke," I said quietly, staring down at my hands.
He put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You can't save someone if they don't want to be saved. It would be infringing upon their free will."
I nodded, knowing he was right but not really wanting to admit it.
He went on. "It's like at the Chuunin exams. Everyone thought that our fight together would be over within in seconds. No one really believed you could win. But you did believe, and because of that, you won. You beat me, and I've never been more happy about losing in my life."
"Why?"
"Because I won something so much more. I won the capability of believing in others, of forming friendships. I realized that life wasn't controlled by fate, that my own decision would determine the outcome of my life, not some predetermined mumbo jumbo. I gained your friendship. I learned how to love."
I looked up sharply, so sharply that I nearly gave myself whiplash. I realized it, I realized it right then. I had been in love with Neji too and hadn't even known it. Maybe not as long as he had been with me, but long enough to know that he was exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I needed.
"I think I fell in love with you that night in the desert," I said breathlessly, my eyes wide.
"Wha-what?" he sputtered. "You...you love me too?"
I nodded, grabbing his hand in mine and laying a chaste kiss upon it. "It was you're eyes in the moonlight," I admitted sheepishly. "I love you Neji Hyuuga. I really do."
Neji's shoulders sank in a sigh of utmost relief. "You have know idea how happy I am to hear that. No idea."
"I think I do," I said; leaning forward to meet his waiting lips.
—
"Naruto," a very familiar voice called to me. My eyes groggily opened, slowly focusing on the beautiful man sitting next to me. "It's almost nighttime, Naruto." His smile was as soft as his voice.
Sudden awareness slipped into my consciousness as I sprang up. "We have to go Neji! Come on, I don't want to miss a minute of it."
Taking his hand, I lead him out of the small cave that had started it all only a few short years ago. The two of us sat down on the small ledge, holding hands in the glow of the quickly sinking sun. We didn't have to wait long before it was pitch black, millions of tiny diamonds twinkling down at us.
I looked over at him, his eyes glowing opal in the dark. And I fell in love with him all over again.
End.
Author's Notes: Come on now, push that review button and let me know what you think! I'll give you cookies!