Thus Unto Tyrants
AN: Before I begin, I'd like to say that I personally have nothing against gays, bisexuals, lesbians, etc. However, I believe Umbridge would react poorly as she is depicted in the books as being very much in the Pure Blood 'Old Guard', very traditionalist ergo, very closed minded.
Students-1 : Umbridge-nil
The Gryffindors and Slytherins trooped into the classroom, the normally rival (though this particular Year's rivalry was definitely of the friendly sort after, Orion Lupin, out fought, out manoeuvred and out foxed Malfoy publicly in First Year in true Slytherin style, to a very shocked and impressed audience) were united in their enthusiasm, or rather lack of, for what had once been their favourite class and settled down unhappily, except for the select few students flirting with their eyes, including the afore-mentioned part werewolf.
"God, Orion! Stop flirting with Greengrass, men are talking here and we need your input," I turned away from the love of my life, short as it is, my golden eyes narrowed at his long haired friend, then started glancing around.
"Oi, pay attention, we are talking," James Black said, frowning at the resident class clown.
"Oh, you mean you?" I asked in mock-wonder, making sure the whole class heard, "When you said men, I thought you meant someone mature."
The Heir of House Black schooled his features, ignoring the giggling and chuckles around him, "I wonder how Greengrass can stand you?"
"She's never complained," I replied, sending said witch a mischievous grin that left the Slytherin Ice Queen blushing.
"Anyway," Black continued in his upper class voice, then immediately started speaking normally, "we were running over some ideas to get rid of Umbridge, but we've hit a snag."
"They're not exactly legal," Harry explained from the row in front.
At that moment, the door opened, "leave the First Act to me," I replied, glancing back to check if it was actually Her Repulsively Pinkiness.
The Toa… I mean, Teacher waddle… stepped in and didn't stop until she… er, it reached the black board, tapping it with her, frankly short and inoffensive, wand.
"Students," the wo…thing addressed the class in her stupidly girlish voice, "You will turn to page 194 of your textbooks and begin reading and taking notes, you may put away your wands as there will be no need for them."
The class grumbled but complied, when the class had settled into tedious reading, I looked over to Daphne and caught her eye, once she looked up, I winked conspiratorially and turned back to my friends, jerked my head subtly at Umbridge, who was about to sit down, then winked at James.
James grinned evilly as he got the hint, "Hey," he said to Harry in a loud whisper the whole class heard, "Don't Frogs normally sit on Lily-pads?"
There was a snigger from Ron and Seamus, but Harry whispered back over his shoulder not so quietly, "Toad, mate, Toad. And yes, they do."
Umbridge pretended not to hear and sat down, pulling a pile of papers to her and started marking them.
"I glanced over at Daphne, then added my own brand of fire whiskey to the fire, "You know what? I think I've worked out why she doesn't like us having our wands out!"
The whole class were watching me now, except Her Imperial Amphibiousness, "Well, what is it?" Ron asked, knowing the actual answer but wanting to hear what I'd come up with, I didn't plan to disappoint.
"Wand Envy," I whispered seriously, it was a struggle to keep my face straight as my classmates went from confusion to understanding.
"Wand… oooooohhhhhhh!" James replied, as comprehension dawned, then grimaced in horror as his already twisted and perverted mind took that thought to its logical conclusion.
"Indeed," I continued, "although, it isn't hard to be envious of the competition's wands are fourteen inches by two and a half, and you've got… that." Because I was watching for Her Toadiness' reaction, I missed the reactions on the other side of the room.
Most of the Slytherins blushed, blushing harder as I continued. Daphne's violet eyes went wide, then unfocused and slightly cross-eyed as she put her hands in her lap and squeezed her thighs together, her mouth forming a silent 'O' as what I'd said processed.
Both Pansy and Tracey snapped out of their own trances and shot jealous looks at the still day dreaming blonde.
"Wait," Harry whispered, "Not that shoving Jim's inadequacies in his face is not entertaining…"
"Hey!" James whisper shouted.
"Nor is his poor performance with girls," Harry continued, his eyes flicking to Umbridge who was swelling up in anger.
"Now hang on," James protested, not entirely in jest, "But what 'inadequacies' could I have compared to you? I mean, it's not like Wolfy's third leg is a secret…"
"Ask Lavender what his tongue feels like," I suggested, grinning wolfishly as the voluptuous blonde squeaked and went bright red just like her boyfriend, and Parvati gasped.
"Oh. My. Gods. Why didn't you say anything? I am your Best Friend?" Parvati asked in shock.
"Because… well… I didn't want the whole School, or Schools during the First Time, to know the details of my sex life," Lavender whispered, "and… well, I just wanted to keep it as my special little something with My Boyfriend!"
"Anyway," Harry coughed, "But what does Wand Envy have to do with our situation?"
"Well," I began, settling into the Lecturer's tone I used to annoy Hermione, who seemed caught between disgust, intrigue, arousal, horror and humour, "In nature, bugs and amphibians often develop bright colours to either warn off predators or attract mates,"
The eavesdropping students suddenly went green as Umbridge swelled further.
"So, in absence of anyone, even lucky here, being cursed and the clear case of Wand Envy, then she must be trying to attract a mate," Lavender concluded, surprising everyone.
"Errr… in that case, Lav," Seamus started nervously, "then I'd be very worried, if I were you."
"Why?" Parvati asked.
"Well, in a normal relationship, who wields the Wand and who receives it?" I asked.
Lavender let out a frightened and horrified squeak as Parvati fainted.
"You don't think…" a very green Hermione began.
"I certainly believe she keeps for the Harpies!" I didn't bother to keep my voice down as Umbit… Umbridge turned red.
"MR LUPIN, COME HERE THIS INSTANT!" we all fought not to laugh at how her voice sounded exactly like Draco screaming after he fell off his brown over an oak tree on the grounds and landed with one leg on either side of a very solid branch.
I stood up and strolled up as though I had not a care in the World, and if the next part of my Plan worked I wouldn't for at least a week, "Your Imperious Toadliness," I said in a mock-respectful tone, sloppily stood to attention and gave the now shaking Toad... Woman... Thing a mock salute similar to the British one with the palm facing her but with my fingers held vertically along the side of my face instead of horizontally in line with my eyebrows.
The Toad was writing one of her pink notes when I added in my normal tone, "Look, I know I'm quite a catch, despite my dad being a werewolf, but if you want Daphne 'Aphrodite Incarnate' Greengrass, she's straight as an arrow and you'll have to get through me first."
The Toad spluttered indignantly for several seconds, then composed herself, "Mr Lupin, you will take this to your Head of House and receive your punishment for disrupting my Class."
"By Your Command, Imperious Toad," I responded, mock-saluting once more and turning around to leave, I smirked at Hermione who was now lying across James' lap having fallen over trying to giggle silently.
"MR LUPIN, Leave!"
"Whoah," James said, "someone needs to get laid."
"Not anywhere near My Daphne," I shouted, not noticing the Slytherin girls shot questioning looks at said witch as the boys glared at me, heading off the Toad's scream.
"But where'd she go?" Harry asked, "There's few Knockturners who'd do a Toad."
"Probably the Hog's Head," I suggested, once more redirecting the Toad's Wrath, I'd probably feel this tomorrow, "Not only is there a steady Half-breed clientele but the booze is lethally potent, they'd never live long enough to regret it."
"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW AND GET TO YOUR HEAD OF HOUSE!"
I hastened my pace, stopping quickly and Daphne's seat, I quickly cast a packing spell on her books and stationary before shrinking her bag and levitating it into her pocket, I then held out my hand as if asking for a dance, "Daphne?"
Daphne took my hand and stood up, the moment she did, I slid her hand into mine and the other around her waist and pulled her in to me.
The move took her by surprise but reflex from years of social ball dancing made her slid her other hand around me, I then took her on a quick dance around the classroom. We both got lost in each other's eyes as our classmates laughed and the Toad spluttered angrily, but soon Daphne had closed her eyes and was leaning her head on my chest, her hair nestled under my chin, it still amazed me how much she trusted me, and assuming I didn't screw up in the future probably always will.
I stopped our dance in front of the classroom door, I angled my hips and arched my back, thrusting my hips forward, something I'd never done before despite some Pureblood dances employing the move, then pulled Daphne hard to me and bringing our crotches into contact.
The initial movement surprised her, but her eyes widened to the size of Galleons when our crotches met and her jaw dropped, she glanced down, stared for a second then looked at me, the shock in her eyes replaced by playfulness and what I believed to be Lust.
Still holding her against me, I leant her into a dip and captured her lips with my own, Daphne reciprocated with restrained passion. I don't know if it was the audience, that we were brassing off Umbitch or the fact we were publicly announcing our relationship but that was the best kiss of my life.
We broke apart for air and I pulled her upright, barely registering the wolf whistles as I gazed into Daphne's beautiful eyes, watching her emotions flit through them, with love, lust and playfulness being the most common.
"OUT!" I wrenched the door open and pulled Daphne through, slamming the door behind us we didn't stop running until we reached a broom cupboard in the next corridor.
"You… You crazy… Insane… Suicidal… Horny… Brilliant… Horny... Bastard," Daphne panted, between great gasps for breath.
"Just made it up as I went along," I admitted sheepishly, "I'm sorry I dragged you into it…"
I gulped audibly as she fixed a predatory lustful look on me, "I think you can make up for…" I flinched as her slender fingers closed around my wolfhood, or tried to, then spent a good few seconds exploring that really felt quite nice.
There was definitely Lust in her eyes now, "Inside Wolfy."
I let out a yelp as she pushed me into the broom cupboard, I'm silenced as the door closes and a locking curse hits it by Daphne's lips on mine.
The class had gone downhill fast after everyone recovered, but remarkably it had been nearly twenty minutes before the Toad snapped.
Harry, James, Hermione, Lavender and Ron were standing in front of a fuming Toad's desk as said Toad wrote out several pink slips.
Just as she handed them the slips, a throaty lupine howl pierced the silence, entrancing everyone for the several seconds it reverberated through the ancient halls.
"Think they used the charm?" James asked as silence fell, Harry punched his arm lightly as Lavender and Hermione clapped their hands to their mouths in realisation.
Apparently Her Toadiness got it too, "GET OUT, REPORT TO YOUR HEAD OF HOUSE NOW!"
They heard her muttering as they scarpered, "Filthy, diseased Half-breed! How Dare It Defile an Honest, Pure Daughter of such a Pure, Noble Wizard Lineage! I'll have his hide for a rug for this… yes, yes, I'll have it expelled and dealt with by Yule…"
They hurried to McGonagall's Office, if they'd known this was all it'd take to get cause to remove their amphibian problem they'd have stuffed the two lovebirds in a cupboard weeks ago.