Raccoon City Church: A Mess

REfreak: This is just a oneshot that I thought would be funny to read. It takes place in the Raccoon City church in the RE movie, Apocalypse, but its got two of out RE2 game characters, Leon Scott Kennedy, Claire Redfield, Ada Wong, RE:OUTBREAK Alyssa Ashcroft and our S.T.A.R.S. wannabe, Kevin Ryman.

Kevin: HEY! WHAT DID YOU SAY!

REfreak: Erm…N-nothing!

Kevin: Oh.

REfreak: snickers

Kevin:glares at authoress just as she stops snickering

REfreak: On with the fic!

Just after a word from our sponsors.

Apocalypse Alice, Jill, Terri, Barry, Resident Evil 2 Leon, Claire, Resident Evil Outbreak Alyssa, and an annoyed Kevin all walk into an empty room. This would be a good time to mention that they are all in Resident Evil: Outbreak game form. Leon and Claire just stare at each other, confused, Kevin has a mad look on his face, Alyssa is figuring out how to calm him down, and Terri thinks she's supposed to be doing the news right now, but is cut off by Alice.

"Hi, I'm Milla- umm I mean Alice, and this is Jill, Terri, and, Barry," says Alice as she points to Jill, Terri, and Barry. "Umm, that's Kenny, Cat, Ryan, and Ashley," Alice says as she points to Leon, Claire, Kevin, and Alyssa obviously having not remembered their names. It even says their names on the script.

Leon gets mad and yells, "That's Leon, Claire, Kevin, and Alyssa!" Kevin, Claire, and Alyssa look at her, equally offended. Just then, RE2 Ada Wong comes out carrying some bottle of random pills. Come to think of it, they sort of look like the pills that Luis makes in Resident Evil 4.

"Why am I doing this again?" she asked some one offstage.

"Because, I told you to. Remember when I first gave you your assignment?" the man from backstage said.

"It was to steal the G-Virus."

"Yes, and to do this."

"Fine, Albert."

"Shh! Don't use my first name because a.) Always call me by my last name and b.) Someone might recognize me!"

((In Jill's head))

Weird, wasn't captain's first name Albert? Talk about coincidences. But this couldn't possibly be captain, he's dead.

((Back in third- person pov))

Ada suddenly puts on a happy face as she tries to be optimistic, but Leon knew Ada too well and could tell that she was faking it. "Do you get constant headaches?" she asks in a fake perky voice. All of the others stare at each other with a 'what the heck?' expression.

"Are your headaches so bad that you can't focus on your work?" she continues, "Well then, you need 'Eniargim' ((migraine spelt backwards)), the new head pain killer by Umbrella." All of the others back away at the mentioning of the evil company name.

"Oh one more thing," says Ada. "REfreak does not own Resident Evil, it belongs to someone else."

The screen turns black as she finishes these words, and everyone there scrambles off the set as crew members set up the Raccoon City church for the next scene. After a minute or two of placing various props up, and dropping one or two props making the loudest noise they could possibly make, a white sign on two pieces of loose string drops down. In red letters it says:

RaccoonRaccoon City Church

After a few seconds, the strings finally give in and the sign drops down, landing in dust. Jill, Terri, and Barry are there, waiting for the licker to come so they could cower in fear. Well, Terri and Barry would, but Jill would never. Jill was in a fighting stance, knowing that in her script was that some blonde chick was supposed to come any minute and steal her spotlight. Just then, yep you guessed it, the licker came.

Just as it was going to whip its long tongue out at Jill, the blonde chick comes crashing through the church window and kills the licker. Just before anyone could speak, the doors at the front of the church open and in comes everyone favorite naïve rookie cop, Leon Scott Kennedy.

"Alice, you are under arrest for-"Leon is cut off as another policeman pushes Leon to the ground and takes his spotlight. Yes, it is Kevin Ryman.

"Alice, you are under arrest for motor bicycle theft. The one you have stolen is owned by Claire Redfield."

Barry, Terri, and Jill all look towards Alice, who has a nervous smile on her face. Jill rises an eyebrow, and Alice stutters, "Uh, well…You see I, I…Umm"

Alice is then saved by our stupid cute Leon, who was crawling his way toward Kevin saying, "Must save… Innocent civilians from… Helpless drunk S.T.A.R.S. wannabe."

Kevin hears this, gets extremely angry and yells, "I am not a helpless drunk S.T.A.R.S. wannabe!"

"Oh yeah?" says Leon, now on his feet.

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yea!"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yea!"

"YEAH!"

Finally, the two knock each other out by hitting each other with the handles of their guns.

"So," started Alice, "Anyone up for a drink at J's Bar?"

In response was a "sure," from Barry, an "okay," from Terri, and a "whatever," from Jill. And with that, the four conscious people headed for J's Bar, leaving the Harley there and the unconscious cops with it. Not long after, Claire Redfield comes in asking, "Hey, Leon, did you kind out who stole my Harley?" Once she notices the two on the floor, like anyone would do. But, instead she looked at the ECG monitor on the top-right hand corner of the screen. Funny how it said fine; it was actually monitoring her health, not Leon's and Kevin's.

"Hey, guys, it looks like you're going to be fine. So you can get up now." Leon and Kevin did not move, for obvious reasons. "Guys? I said you were going to be fine. Guys?

Feeling aggravated, the must-be-blonde, who colored her hair to escape the dumb blonde jokes, she called for help. "Hey Ada and Alyssa, over here!" she yelled, and Ada and Alyssa came. Once they saw Leon and Kevin unconscious, an evil option came on the screen.

Feed them to the zombies? Yes No

But, unfortunately, before the girls could press the 'X' button on the PS2 controller (the 'A' button on the Gamecube controller) the two idiot cops woke up.

"Huh, what happened?" asked Leon.

"Where are we?" asked Kevin.

They both then noticed the evil grins on Ada and Alyssa's faces. "OH MY GOD!" both of them screamed, right before scrambling to their feet and running away, screaming like little girls, attracting zombies. Then they had to outrun the zombies.

THE END

REfreak: Well, hoped you liked this! Please review. Yes, flames are accepted. Later!