Remus Feelings
by Nyym

I knew what it was. I really knew but I didn't care. I accepted my destiny just like I accept it now. Closing in me my precious secrets. I felt my heart beat fast, so fast. Now I cannot feel it. I close my eyes but the hell overlap calm darkness.

I kissed my best friend in school and this made me more secure. Now he is dead. I saw him falling, with his wide eyes and smiling face. Was it the end? Yes, it was.

My mind didn't believe and I went back to the Ministry of Magic. I looked for any clue. Nothing. I did not find anything. I gave up suddenly. He didn't live, he wasn't hiding... He didn't leave a hint!

Bloody hell...

I have the desire to scream... but I cannot. I need to take care Harry and Nymphadora. I don't know why, but I need to. Maybe it's because they are younger than me. Or maybe it's just because I need to do something – anything... if I don't, I will go crazy!

By the way – the word "crazy" always reminds me – the full moon will be out next week. Nobody will be there to help me.

Double bloody hell...

I will have to confront it alone, just my wolf side and me. Months ago there was a dog guarding me, telling me how much he loved me. Oh, my! I can remember every kiss. How our tongues touched... I can remember everything... everything about him.

I cannot forgive myself! Why didn't I stop him? Why did I let him go with us? I am culpable. I am completely culpable! I just said: "Come on, Padfoot, this is dangerous. Stay here!"

"No, Moony. Sorry but I won't. I can't!"

I took his face and I kissed his lips. "Sirius..."

He kissed me back. "Let's go, Remus. Harry needs us."

I was moved. Anybody would be.

I killed him. Not with my hands but with my impotency.

Triple bloody hell...

I won't ever forgive myself. I will always remember how much of an idiot I was; a man in love with his best friend; a stupid man. Just this, nothing more.

I don't have soul because it was Sirius... and he left me all alone. I am just a body without a soul. It is who I am now. I need to go on until death. I need to believe it!

Everyday I am dying. Each beat of my heart goes slower without him.

I'm nothing without him...

And I killed him. I am culpable.

Harry cries every night. This is my fault too.

In the end I cannot guard anybody.

I am useless.

Sirius, let's stay close... forever and ever.