Title: Monster In The Closet
Author: Shannon
Email: angels_soul_1@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Pairing: Willow
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, UPN.
Distribution: my site http://www.shadesofgrey.us/home.html,
http://fanfiction.net, anyone that already has my fics; anyone else just
let me know.
Spoilers: Anything through Grave.
Summary: Willow thinks back on the events of the past few months.
Improv: Stephen King Song Title.
She lay in the bed alone, listening to the sounds coming through the window. She was living back at her parents house, it didn't seem right to stay at Buffy's after trying to kill her. That and the memories there were too much to handle. Everything reminded her of Tara there. Giles had wanted to take her to England, but she couldn't do that either, not after what she did to him. So now here she was listening to the sounds that had always frightened her as a child.
Back then, when she was little, she had told her parents the noises were a monster in her closet. Her mother had explained over and over that monsters weren't real. Then she had believed her mom, because mother's knew everything right, if she said there were no monsters then there weren't any.
She wished she could go back to being that little girl again, the one whose mother knew everything, the girl who cried over the broken crayon, like Xander had said. That little girl knew she would always be safe, nothing could hurt her, because the scary things could be chased away by turning on the light.
But she wasn't that girl anymore, she had grown up. Now she knew her mother was wrong. Maybe the monster wasn't in her closet, but it certainly did exist. Everywhere. Even inside her. That she hadn't seen coming. She'd known for a long time her mom was wrong about the monsters. She'd been dealing with that reality since she met Buffy, and Jesse had died. But never had she thought that she could become a monster too.
Everyone had tried to warn her. First Giles, he had told her she was using forces she didn't understand, and what did she do? She threatened him. Giles, the man who had always been like a father to her, she threatened him, when he wanted to protect her. Then Tara, the woman she loved. Didn't listen to her either. She just convinced herself that Tara didn't understand, or maybe she was jealous of the power she had gained. But never actually considered that Tara saw something she didn't.
Then she had hurt Dawn. She hadn't meant too, but she couldn't help what she was doing. She just wanted the feeling to last. After that Buffy, and Xander had tried to warn her to be careful. Didn't listen to them either, they just couldn't understand.
When Warren shot Tara she couldn't control it anymore, didn't want to really. He had abused his power, so why couldn't she? What gave him the right to take Tara from her. She had let the magic control her. Her need for revenge ruled her every thought. And she had killed Warren, made him suffer like he had made Tara suffer. But by then she couldn't stop, she wanted them all to pay. Part of her had known Jonathan, and Andrew hadn't been involved. Jonathan didn't have the guts to be involved in a murder, but it didn't matter. Not then.
Rather than listen to reason when her friends tried to stop her, she tried to kill them too. She had become the monster in the closet that she had been afraid of. The monster was real and it was in her. Problem with this new monster was that this was something Buffy couldn't protect her from, either could her mother, or turning on a light. How was she supposed to live with that, live knowing that this thing inside her could control her and she couldn't prevent it. This time Xander had been able to stop it, had been able to help her, but what if he couldn't next time? What if he wasn't around? Or if his love wasn't strong enough? Would she be strong enough to stop the monster, all she knew was that she didn't want to find out. Not ever.
Turning the light next to her bed back on, she decided to try what worked as a child, maybe the light could protect her this time. Maybe it could hold the monster back once again.
She lay in the bed alone, listening to the sounds coming through the window. She was living back at her parents house, it didn't seem right to stay at Buffy's after trying to kill her. That and the memories there were too much to handle. Everything reminded her of Tara there. Giles had wanted to take her to England, but she couldn't do that either, not after what she did to him. So now here she was listening to the sounds that had always frightened her as a child.
Back then, when she was little, she had told her parents the noises were a monster in her closet. Her mother had explained over and over that monsters weren't real. Then she had believed her mom, because mother's knew everything right, if she said there were no monsters then there weren't any.
She wished she could go back to being that little girl again, the one whose mother knew everything, the girl who cried over the broken crayon, like Xander had said. That little girl knew she would always be safe, nothing could hurt her, because the scary things could be chased away by turning on the light.
But she wasn't that girl anymore, she had grown up. Now she knew her mother was wrong. Maybe the monster wasn't in her closet, but it certainly did exist. Everywhere. Even inside her. That she hadn't seen coming. She'd known for a long time her mom was wrong about the monsters. She'd been dealing with that reality since she met Buffy, and Jesse had died. But never had she thought that she could become a monster too.
Everyone had tried to warn her. First Giles, he had told her she was using forces she didn't understand, and what did she do? She threatened him. Giles, the man who had always been like a father to her, she threatened him, when he wanted to protect her. Then Tara, the woman she loved. Didn't listen to her either. She just convinced herself that Tara didn't understand, or maybe she was jealous of the power she had gained. But never actually considered that Tara saw something she didn't.
Then she had hurt Dawn. She hadn't meant too, but she couldn't help what she was doing. She just wanted the feeling to last. After that Buffy, and Xander had tried to warn her to be careful. Didn't listen to them either, they just couldn't understand.
When Warren shot Tara she couldn't control it anymore, didn't want to really. He had abused his power, so why couldn't she? What gave him the right to take Tara from her. She had let the magic control her. Her need for revenge ruled her every thought. And she had killed Warren, made him suffer like he had made Tara suffer. But by then she couldn't stop, she wanted them all to pay. Part of her had known Jonathan, and Andrew hadn't been involved. Jonathan didn't have the guts to be involved in a murder, but it didn't matter. Not then.
Rather than listen to reason when her friends tried to stop her, she tried to kill them too. She had become the monster in the closet that she had been afraid of. The monster was real and it was in her. Problem with this new monster was that this was something Buffy couldn't protect her from, either could her mother, or turning on a light. How was she supposed to live with that, live knowing that this thing inside her could control her and she couldn't prevent it. This time Xander had been able to stop it, had been able to help her, but what if he couldn't next time? What if he wasn't around? Or if his love wasn't strong enough? Would she be strong enough to stop the monster, all she knew was that she didn't want to find out. Not ever.
Turning the light next to her bed back on, she decided to try what worked as a child, maybe the light could protect her this time. Maybe it could hold the monster back once again.