CATEGORY: MSR/Friendship/?Possible Angst?
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: There are a few spoilers in here, mostly toward the end. Some are subtle, some not so much. Probably circa s1-s5.
DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter - I'm just stealing them for a while.
FEEDBACK: Constructive criticism is welcomed :)
AUTHORS NOTES:I just want to start by saying that this is the first non-parody fanfic I have ever published. I tend to put a lot of myself into what I write and my writing is currently a fair bit rusty so I get insecure about sharing it with people sometimes. The idea for this came over me and I wrote it with the intention of sharing with people. It's been done to death but oh well. It isn't up to my personal standards and is just drabble, but I hope you like it. I hope it's not OOC.
Every time we breathe out
We let out a little bit of ourselves
It'd be alright if we could exchange
But you don't want to
And I don't blame you
Out and In - Kate Miller-Heidke
-Part One-
She was unbelievably happy. Happier than she'd ever felt - but with the happiness was an underlying feeling of anxiety. She'd felt this way before - a couple of times - but never to the extent she was recently experiencing.
She recognised what she felt. She knew the cause.
The feeling came over her gradually. She wasn't paying attention - before she had time to gather herself, her thoughts were consumed.
She didn't dare over think about it, or make it publicly known. That would cause her to panic, and the feeling was too good to risk giving up.
The combined anxiety wasn't a bad anxiety. It reminded her of med school when she'd perform surgeries and the whole class would watch. It was scary as hell - but the rush was worth it.
She was brighter at work and didn't get worked up so easily. At home she would pace back and forth, lost in her thoughts, smiling like an idiot and giggling.
This was her secret.
This was theonesacred thing she had - her unhealthy indulgence.
Growing up she had secretly hoped for the life that most girls dream of - marriage, children, a family of her own.
At times she felt cut off from her family. She loved them with all her heart but her parents and brothers didn't always understand why she chose to live her life the way she did, and she often had trouble understanding her sister.
As she got older life got in the way and she gained a ton of insecurities about things that she didn't even understand, no matter how hard she tried. Sure she'd had crushes before, and even a few serious relationships. But this was different and she knew it.
It was one thing to lust after the guy who sat in front of her in biology; it was another to feel like this about her friend.
As a scientist she knew that love was a number of chemical reactions. Hormones and pheromones, biological clocks ticking away, all adding to your libido. The most unexplained question of all: was love real or was it a disease?
Sometimes it felt like everybody else was allowed to be happy but her. Everyone was "in love" but her. Everyone was wasting their time with fruitless relationships - which she didn't mind so much - but her. And now everyone was married with kids. But her.
For a good part of her life she really didthink love was a disease and she had an immunity. She was glad. Seeing other people act so smitten was sickening.
Now she didn't care - she was happy and nobody could take that away from her by trying to explain it away.
Her father and sister had died, she'd battled cancer and been told she was barren. She'd been abducted, she'd lost a lot. Her life was full of tragedy. She deserved to feel this and if she just left it alone nothing had to change. She could stay happy, lost in a daydream.