Habits die hard

[Sesshoumaru]

My life, as it appears to many, is a mess. But I don't regret how things turned out for me. "Mess" is just something people have decided to call it. I chose to do these. It's how I want my life to go. For the time being. This she strangely understood well. However irrational I sounded. And how much sloppy the alcohol has turned my speech .

After that, my memory was a haze. I had way pass my limit. I do recall her looking inappropriately decent for the place, in her shorts and jacket. She said something about 'leaving' and she, driving my car. Last thing I knew was getting in the car. I woke up next day in my living room with my clothes changed, and on the center table, a glass of water, my keys and phone. She really is . . . dependable.

...

We were fifteen.

I met her in class. That was it. She was not pretty but she was okay and better than many to be honest. But, not my type. She has outstanding grades yet that wouldn't interest me either. She was quiet and seems always in good mood. Can't remember how it started but we became friends. Next thing is she was falling for me. That was quick so I played along.

Then she found out I was hooking up with another girl in class. She found out quite brutally though. It was in a class party. That game called "truth or dare"? So I have to kiss the girl I like in front of everyone. She played it cool that night impressively. Or, just held it well. Because after that night, she was avoiding me. Ahh, she was heartbroken.

Well, things aren't going well with me and Kikyou too either. Things just went too irritating and I grew tired. So I just went back to fixing things with her.

She knew how far down she was on the list. But I just lied and told her the things she 'wants' to hear. And she would tell me she lost all the trust she used to have in me. I thought she was smart to catch me there but then I saw a part of her that still 'hoped' in me.

See, I'm an asshole. But being one does make me happy. She was too innocent to give her trust to someone she thought she knew. That makes her easy to toy with. Like a kid, I tell you. Even her voice sounded like a kid's. She still has so many things to learn in life and relationships.

After much avoiding from her and still no answer from that last talk we had, I got tired. She was trying to move on from me. Maybe she realizes she can't take it. So then, I stopped the chase. We went back becoming normal classmates. Then I don't know, after almost a year, on a field trip in spring, we had a chance to talk one night.

This time, she is aware I had nothing for her. She knows how much I have been fooling around. But with all this given, she said she misses me. And still loves me in the end. It was so unfair but she is choosing to stay with me anyway. Till she gets tired, till she unlearns to love me.

There really is something in fooling with her.

She cried that time she confessed this to me. It was annoying. So I asked her, "If you can't take it, tell me to stay away." But she understands the situation - That she can be with me but I'll never be serious with her, and so with the others. She was sorry for crying after. And promised she'll be fine. She smiled, cried and laughed.

If there's one thing I wouldn't do is to say sorry for the things I've done in the past. Once she said sorry for all her childishness before. I just said she should stop being sorry. I'm an ass, I'm a liar. That, I always tell her. But I would never be sorry for being that and that to her.

We were sixteen.

First time I saw her, I never thought she's the type who'd let her boyfriend touch her, let alone a man who's not exclusively with her but she'd let me. There are things we do that I know she had never tried. This was her wild side, I guess.

For two years, this thing with us kept going. For two years she kept up with this love game. For two years she turned down guys who'd court her because she knows I wouldn't like that. As for my part, for the other girls, she has no complains. She knows the drill. For two years, so many things happened.

Sometimes, we'd go out on dates. The first time, she was actually the one who asked. She'd also bring me to her friend's party at times. The first, to my surprise, the people there actually know me, by my name. So then I realized she'd talk about me to her friends. And I know, however nice she'd tell our story, to them I would always be the lucky bastard she's in love with. I can't blame her. Or anyone.

She has friends in class too, but she doesn't talk about us. I don't know why but that's just good for the both of us.

She seems happy with everything. I am happy, happier that her I'm sure.

We we're seventeen. She got pregnant.

We talked about it. She was determined to have it aborted. Unless I have an objection and a solution, she said. I don't. So she just asked for my help in covering the hospital bills.

So we went to this clinic one late afternoon. We sat waiting in the corridor. I could hear her breathing deep and stiffening. She's so nervous and dead quiet. She was like that since the whole drive. Then the "doctor" called. She went in. And I was left to wait.

We were both not ready. I know she has this dream becoming a lawyer. And she knows how it is in my family.

By the evening, we were driving our way back. She looks really tired and sleepy. So I asked her to just stay at my place for the night. She just nodded. So there, we had our first child aborted.

She was the girl with the longest time I've been with. We've set thing before, she said it herself that she'd always be the third party. But ironically, she's like the permanent one and all the other girls I've been with were the opposite.

One time, she got into a road accident. She was with her friends. That was the only time I didn't know she went out. She has this habit of texting me whenever she'd be out for the night. I only found out three days later, in class when her friend, who was also in the accident, went to our class and informed the teacher Kagome has been confined in the hospital. After class, and a few sticks of cigs, I went to that hospital. And there, her leg was broken, and she had a couple of wounds on her face up to her arms. But she would smile. Happy to see me. I think she was almost crying.

For the next days, after class, I'd go straight to the hospital. And before that week ended, I realized she has only her friends to visit her. I asked her about her parents and she, between laughs, said she has long been disowned.

I don't know how long this has been. I remember her tell me way back how much her parents would be disappointed if she didn't' get to the top of the class. Well, she has not failed a subject yet but she has greatly fallen in the class standing. How much more if they found out she had an abortion, that she's long been with someone like me, and this accident too.

She came from an average family. Conservative and traditional. She was brought up really well. But I guess she being with me, makes her life a mess too.

Graduation. We we're eighteen.

She had been telling me before, things will certainly change when this day comes. And she's scared she'd really be alone after we part ways. Yes, we'd certainly go different ways. I have the family company ready after I get a college degree and she has her own career to pursue. So she asked that I'd let her stay close with me for the last week, for the last time.

She got things right again. I have nothing more to do with her.

Graduation day. From a far, she waved at me, smiled. She was almost waving good bye. And that was the last time I saw her.

Supposedly.

[Kagome]

Of all the guys in the world, why him?

Between laughs, cries or loathing, I used to ask myself this question. That was before I've lost count. He's the one person who could make me happy and sad at the same time. How could it be possible to love someone this way? Maybe, I'm just as screwed as he is.

My life has always been a blank book. There was, so far, nothing to write about. But after meeting him, things have started moving. And I've been able to write to these empty pages. It makes me think it really was fate that I meet him. For my good, in its final end. Because I did learn a lot.

Amazing how an encounter with someone could change your life and how every choice we make leads us to another path.

When I was younger, I've always wanted to have a love story different from those I see in teen romance movies and shoujo mangas. God, I hated those kinds of plot because it's just too . . . happy and shallow. Because in reality, love does not come that easy. And now I got what I wish for. The gods must be laughing at me now.

It takes time to know someone. But for his case, it takes a long time and a couple mistakes. I realized that I don't really know him well, the hard way. He's not someone easy to read. So I have to start all over.

He really was strange. But that was what made me notice him the first time. He was a mess in class but behind the walls of our school, he really is a well bred, independent, and smart, as it should coming from a prominent family. We really were so different. From music, to hobbies and interests.

I know in their minds, my friends would think I'm stupid for falling so hard. But what would really make me feel stupid was having these feelings and avoiding it forever.

See, he's not as cold as he appears to be. When we just sit together and talk, he is most honest of his thoughts. He would tell me random episodes in his past but aren't really that random in truth. Because the fact that he remembered and spoke of it to someone, it means he values it, subconsciously or not.

But times like these rarely come. The time I have with him was always limited. To me. Maybe I'm just greedy. That's why I've swore never to waste a moment. And all the issues I would keep in the back of my mind so I can just listen. Surprisingly, it was not that hard. Because it makes me genuinely happy just being around him.

Yet, there are times I doubt if this really is love. When it's just too difficult.

Maybe I just don't know how to let go of him. Maybe I just don't want to admit it's impossible. Maybe it's just lust and greed. Maybe I'm still confused. And maybe, I'm just a masochist.

One time, I woke up in the night and I couldn't sleep back. He was sound asleep so I just sat beside him on the bed and held his hand. It always makes me wonder how many had he made out with, slept with, cuddled. How many had he fooled and how many had he loved. This is one of the chances that I could stare at him with all the hate in the world. And I could freely cry doing so, without having to concern myself of what he might think.

There are many things I want to change in my life. I had so many regrets. But he was not one of them. Neither would have been having Yuki.

Three years. And it will end right after we leave this school. Graduation does commemorate the ending.

By the time I graduated, I had my own unit, a gift from my parents, but a parting one, I know. Few weeks after, I already moved in. So then it would mark another start in my life. A real start. Because I'm sure I'm keeping it – my shot at happiness and love.

But one day, the gods decided I don't deserve it. So, they took it away.

[Sesshoumaru]

"Hello, this is Tokyo Medical Center. Are you a friend of Ms. Kagome? You were on her speed dial."

"Y. . .yes."

"Could you please come over? It would be best that we have someone to I.D. her here while she is unconscious."

". . ."

Moving around has been without ease the next minutes after the call. And the drive to the hospital seems to have become lengthy.

After graduation, I didn't see her for the next three months. No calls or messages. Till last night, when I called her to pick me up because I'm too drunk the bartender won't give back my keys. I wasn't actually able to look at her well with my state. Now, I get to see her again but I never wished it in this situation.

"What happened?"

"Her cab got hit by a raging SUV. Apparently, the driver's drunk. "

"Will she be okay?"

"We'll know when she wakes up."

This is her second car accident now. But it's far worse than the first. And it should have been me. Why did I call her?

All I could do for her the last three years was, at the least, keep her safe, for all the things she has done for me. But this one thoughtless request. . .

Maybe I'm so used of her being able to take care of herself, and alone. But the fact remains that she's still a young girl who just tries to be tough in this world.

...

"Transfer her to your better rooms. I'll sign."

...

Room 4012

Sitting on the couch beside, the longer I stare at her, the more it gets painful. So I search through her phone for contacts instead. She only has one on speed dials. Zero inbox. Zero sent messages. Last call, Sesshoumaru.

How has she lived these last months?

...

"Kagome?"

Her eyes shoot open and I knew she recognized me.

"You're in the hospital now. You'll be okay."

Her hand that was not plastered slowly crept to rest on her stomach.

"He. . hey. " her voice cracked. She was almost tearing up but her lips still curved up to greet me.

"Sir, you seem to be a good friend of her, so you should know she was pregnant."

...

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I'm sorry"

"It was an accident."

"Sorry. For everything."

Two days in the hospital and that was all it needed to crack me into crying. He leaned his head on his arms already on the bed side rails, bowed so I couldn't see his face. After a while, when I cried quite enough, I calmed down. These are the times that he could instantly dissolve the resolve I've when around him. I take three steps forward and he could pull me back to the start again and again.

And in my mind, I want to hug him and never let go. But now, I could only place my hand over his head.

"These words coming from you, it's nice to hear them."

And he looked at me a bit in wonder.

"It's okay, Sesshoumaru."

"How is it always 'okay' with you?" He said in a low voice.

". . . 'cause I could only deal with it."

...

Seeing him again, makes me happy even in this state. And I hate it. Because this is the happiness I can never grab and keep in my hand. For months, I've been trying to forget about it, keeping it out of my system, but with just one call, I came for him.

It's a shame I've gone down to this. Everyone seems to be moving forward but I have been on a standstill ever since.

I know his guilt. I know the shame. But I know it's never love. Why do I so much wanted to be loved by this man? Why him. Unrequited love is always tragic. Rejection is always painful. And denial, pitiful.

"Maybe I'll never really be over with you."

author's note:

I'm having trouble with the format. :( Reviews are highly appreciated. I really want to know what you think about this. :)