Author's Note: Well...you asked for it! Here's the sequel to "Sweet For Certain" that I just had to write because the idea wouldn't stop bugging me. If you haven't read the first one, don't worry about it because you can pretty much figure out what's going on. If you all like this, I just might write a third part. Of course, you've got to tell me if you like it, so leave a message, okay? Oh yeah, I forgot...the song "Iris" belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls, not me. Now, on with the fic!
Wufei: Don't you ever get tired of this?
Kismet: How could I get tired of torturing you, Wuffie? It's just so easy! *bounces off the walls*
Wufei: How many Shock Tarts have you had today?
Kismet: Um...a lot?
Wufei: You ate the whole package, didn't you?
Kismet: I didn't mean to! And Duo helped.
Wufei: What am I going to do with you, baka onna?
Kismet: *sweatdrops* Hopefully nothing! ^_^
by Kismet
kismetchan@hotmail.com
**********
"The heart sometimes has reasons that reason can't understand."
~anonymous
Beep...beep...beep...beep...
My Hilde is surrounded by machines. Machines that the nurses say are helping to keep her alive. Machines measuring her heart rate, feeding her medicine that is making her even sicker. Beeping, useless piles of noisy machinery that are driving me insane. All I want to do is rip them out of the wall, toss them out the window, jump in bed beside my Hilde and kiss her until she wakes up.
I tried that already, though. She won't wake up no matter what I do, and I'm afraid I'll hurt her, so I've settled for holding her hand. Yesterday morning she fell asleep in my arms and hasn't opened her eyes since. Apparently she fell into a medicine-induced coma while she slept. The docs say it was because they adjusted her dosages or something...but I still feel guilty. I let her slip away, like sand through my fingers.
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now. //
I squeeze her hand for the millionth time in a row. There's nothing more I can do than just be here for her. Her body has become as light as a feather in recent weeks. I've watched her skin slowly turn a lifeless gray color. I've watched her hair fall out from the chemo, watched her expression when she thinks I'm not looking. She thinks she's ugly, but she's not. She doesn't know what she does to me when she looks at me. A guy can get lost in her eyes. Even now, as she lies motionless in bed, she's still gorgeous.
All the same...I wish I could see her eyes again.
"Please wake up soon, Hilde-chan," I whisper. "We were supposed to go home today, remember?"
I had it all planned out. We were finally going to go back home, just me and her, like it was meant to be. I was going to take care of her. I thought everything would be okay. I thought that together, we could make it go away. Forever.
I never thought it would come to this.
And all I can breathe is your life.
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight. //
I hate this place just as much as Hilde does. It's too white, too clean, too lifeless. The rooms are lined with the essence of death. I've heard the nurses whispering too many times about other patients, how their lives were tragically cut short by this silent killer. Being a nurse must be one of the hardest jobs in the world. How can they do this for a living?
The rest of the hospital may be gloomy, but Hilde's room, it's as bright as day. Hilde's friends and relatives are constantly sending her more and more presents to cheer her up. Because of all the flowers she's received, even that nasty hospital smell is not as noticeable.
Beep...beep...beep...beep...
I scoot my chair closer to her bed and wonder how we've even gotten this far. Hilde is so much stronger than me. She must have nerves of steel to put up with me half the time anyway. Every time I look back on the day she calmly told me she had leukemia...I shudder. I became a total basket case. The fact that I could lose her scared the hell out of me. All that night, I went from shock to denial to sadness to anger and back again. I finally realized that I was supposed to be comforting her, not the other way around.
Ever since I realized she couldn't wake up, I've been sitting here, thinking. I've lost a lot of people I've loved in my lifetime. Hell, I'm not even that old. It makes me think I'm cursed sometimes. When Hilde got sick, my faith really went downhill. I went as far as to think that there was no God. If there was one, He wouldn't have done this to Hilde.
So far I've been trying to keep up hope. She's not that sick yet. Death is a long way off, but I know she thinks about it a lot. I try to distract her in order to keep her from going to pieces...but it's hard when I'm about to do just that myself.
And then I think, God, if I'm this crazy now...what am I going to be like when and if she finally slips away from me?
I ask myself questions like that a lot. Why not me? I wonder. Why didn't this happen to me? She doesn't deserve this. She deserves to be happy. And every day I try to make her happy, the way she makes me happy. I want to give her everything I have and more. And then there are times when I fear it's not enough. I saw the look on her eyes when she saw pictures of Heero's kid, and I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking that she might not live long enough.
"We'll have to get us one of those sometime," I told her, making her laugh and blush with embarrassment. Relena and Heero just grinned at us.
I was sad after that. I wanted to kill Relena Peacecraft Dorlian Yuy or whatever the hell she calls herself for reminding Hilde of things she can't have. I know Relena was only trying to cheer her up, but it hurt all the same. I was trying to think of ways to accidentally trip her or something without Heero noticing when Relena pulled me out of the room.
"How are you holding up?" she asked quietly.
"As best as can be expected," I said with a shrug.
Relena narrowed her eyes at my careless reply, doing a pretty good imitation of Heero's patented Death Glare. "Stop that, Duo. I know this is hard --"
Unfortunately for her, I have a pretty nasty glare of my own. I crossed my arms. "How would you know?"
"Because it's hard for me, too," she said. "Hilde's one of my best friends. It breaks my heart to see this happening to the two people who deserve it the least."
I silently agreed with her. It was breaking mine, too.
People are always calling us with questions for me, sometimes talking about Hilde as if she were already gone. Why is this happening? they ask. Is there anything we can do? They look at me expectantly, and I can't do anything more than shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know," because I really don't know. I don't know what to do about anything anymore.
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am. //
Relena warned me that the end could be in sight, along with a bunch of other unwanted advice that I didn't want to hear. I hate when people feel the need to tell me what's right in front of my face. Do they think I don't know what's going to happen in the end? Do they think I don't realize that there's an excellent chance of my Hilde slipping away for good?
I knew what might happen when Hilde started out with the chemo. The doctors were always talking to me outside her hospital room, telling me what the chances were, how she could even achieve remission if everything went according to plan. The problem is that life never goes according to plan.
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
And you bleed just to know you're alive. //
That's exactly what I told them when they pulled me away from Hilde to discuss treatment options or whatever. Sally was with him, and she just gave me a you're not helping look. The other guy, though, blinked at me and set his mouth into a firm line, and I knew what was coming because I had seen it before. He had that tired, almost numb look on his face that suggested he had consoled a thousand previous worried husbands and that I was just one more on the list. He was going to deliver yet another stupid speech about how Hilde's health was what was important now and yadda yadda and so on and so forth. But he didn't.
"It's normal to feel that way," was all he said.
"There's nothing normal about this!" I burst out. I was close to losing all self-control.
Sally smiled tightly. "Would you please excuse us?"
She took me aside and looked right in my eyes. I looked away, blinking back tears. God, this was hard. "Sorry," I said.
Sally sighed. "I know, and it's okay. No one expects you to be calm about it."
"I just -- I don't know what to do anymore." That much was true. I didn't know what to say to Hilde. I couldn't live each day, pretending everything was completely normal. I was almost afraid to talk to her. I was afraid she'd see right through me, that she'd know I was falling apart. That was the last thing I wanted, to lose hope before she did. "I feel helpless."
She looked at me closely. "Duo, if you could do anything for her, would you do it?"
"In a heartbeat," I whispered.
"I'm sure she knows that," Sally replied.
I stuffed my shaking hands in my pockets. "I can't keep on telling her everything's going to be okay. She knows when I'm lying to her." Damn. I wished she had never picked up that skill.
Sally glanced back into the room. "I guess the most important thing is to spend as much time with her as possible."
Before she dies, she meant to say. Luckily she didn't have to voice this thought aloud for the message to get across.
I know that in time things might get worse before they get better. Sally hasn't given me an estimate of how much time Hilde has left, though. She says I shouldn't worry about such things, that I should just concentrate on the here and now and keep up my little charade. It seems to be helping, anyway. I'm not the one who's dying, here. I have to be strong for her. And I've resolved to not let this drive me crazy...
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am. //
Beep...beep...beep...beep...
...because the goddamn beeping will do that for me.
I squeeze Hilde's cold hand again, and to my surprise, she squeezes back. Her eyelashes flutter slightly as she struggles to open her eyes, the eyes that I long to see. She's still weak.
"Shh..." I say, kissing her hand. "Relax. I'm still here. Everything's okay."
And she closes her eyes, allowing herself to believe me. And right now, everything is okay. I love her too much to let her get away from me. I'm planning to sit here next to her for forever and a day if I have to, holding onto her hand for dear life.
Because there's nothing I wouldn't do for her in a heartbeat.
**********
Kismet: *buries her face in her hands* I am so mean! Poor Hilde!
Wufei: *sigh*
Kismet: I couldn't help it! I was under the influence of Shock Tarts!
Wufei: I think that straitjacket Duo got you for Christmas will come in handy.
Kismet: I am never eating Shock Tarts again. They do strange things to my mind.
Wufei: Onna, your mind is already strange.
Kismet: Funny, that's what everyone says. Anyways, what did you think, minna-san? Should I stop, or should I write a sappy third part? *rubs hands together* You decide! ^_~