End of the world;
James/Sirius (Sirius pov)
PG
Angst.
No beta. Apologies.
Awful grammar, but it came out like this and I kind of like it.
"Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye." - "End of the World" Skeeter Davis
Thursday you said, Its not personal Sirius, I'm not doing this to hurt you, I think I love Lily more; and I knew that if I wanted to be with you; if I wanted to see you, I would need to agree.
Friday you said, I'd like to make an announcement, and the whole of Gryffindor turned to face the head boy, Lily glowing by your side. I'd like to make this announcement now, you said, with a hesitant note in your voice, your eyes searching out mine, I'd like to announce this to you all because I could not be prouder.
And the hesitant note was gone; satisfaction was now evident in your voice. And your eyes pleaded with mine to forgive you, forgive you, forgive you, forgive you.
Lily has agreed to be my wife, you said, your eyes flitting off my face, and I wasn't surprised, I could only imagine the pain I was betraying, and Remus, sweet, caring, gentle, Remus, grasped my shoulder and squeezed.
A party, I announced, shaking off Remus like the dog I am. A party for the happy couple, and my voice didn't waiver and I didn't flinch when you looked at me with happy, content, eyes. A party, you repeated.
A party! It was echoed over all the room. A party for Lily and James Potter!
I shall return, I said, with more Butterbeer than ever seen before, and the room laughed and Lily, beautiful, pure, Lily, ran to me and hugged me, whispering to me that I was more than a friend need be.
As I slipped through the door, quiet, unseen, you grasped my arm and pulled me close, warm breath on the side of my face as you murmured a quiet thank you before releasing me, returning to your bride to be, leaving me in the cold doorway alone.
Sirius! A shout but I didn't stop to look back, knew that I could outrun most, running through corridors long forgotten, taking twists and turns with abandonment not caring about remembering where I was headed. Sirius! And I was stopped, as I knew I would be, I could outrun most but not James, never James.
Sirius you say, softly now as if I may break with a harsh word. Sirius, I'm sorry, and I'm ashamed to find myself trembling, and you lift your hand, softly softly, and brush the tears from my cheek that I was unaware I had shed.
James, I whisper, James, you loved me first. And you did, from the day on the train when it was you shedding tears, when it was you trembling, when I offered you comfort, all the comfort I could offer, and you accepted.
I love Lily more, and you pull me into your arms, arms tightening around me, shushing me, softly softly, and I know that I am lost.
--
... Man and Wife! Pronounced the Wizard. Cheers went up, confetti thrown and the Bride was laughing and hugging you and you were glowing, glowing with joy and happiness. I grasped Remus next to me, tightly holding his hand, embarrassed that I needed him this much but grateful he was there for me.
The music began, an enchanted tune floating through the air, filling the small muggle hall charmed for the day... Unforgettable, that's what you are. Unforgettable, though near or far, Like a song of love that clings to me, how the thought of you does things to me. Never before has someone been more....
People come over and pat me on the back sharply, Sirius old man, they say, time for you to settle down next, ay? And I smile, smile till I feel like breaking and the day passes like a nightmare, watching you swing Lily around a dance floor, love radiating from every element and I excuse myself when you finish and take myself to the garden.
Alone, I sit and stare and I know that you will follow. Slipping onto the bench beside me, features flushed and hair mussed. You slip your hand into mine, fingers bending around mine, thumb rubbing the top of my hand.
I peer at you, through a layer of thick, black, hair. I stare and you stare back, and you're other hand is reaching for me, I'm leaning closer to you, so close I can smell the aftershave that you received from Lily's parents, my fingers tighten on yours the moment our lips touch. Your bottom lip sweeping across mine, softly softly, before you push your fingers through my hair, pulling me closer, lips opening over mine; tongue pushing and slipping against mine.
I moan and you stop, fingers tightening in my hair to the point of pain, making me whimper and draw back. No, you say, trying to sound sure and failing, No. I love Lily more, and I know that I am lost.
--
This is Harry, Lily announces, cradling a small child with a mop of black hair, so like James, but with eyes that shine a deep green, Lily's eyes. You stand behind Lily, hand on her shoulder, picture perfect family, and I smile and coo and do what is expected. And as I hold the baby, hold him close to my chest so he can hear my heart beating, rocking him in his sleep, I'm aware that you're watching.
--
This is serious, you say, voice filled with sorrow. 'You know who' – Voldermort, I interrupt, say his name James, say it. And you hesitate and start again. Voldermort, you say, he has become more powerful than expected, and you hold my eyes. I want you to be my secret keeper, you say, I want it to be you Sirius.
--
'Peter would be better' the words echo in my mind, 'Peter would be better, Peter would be better' and I stare at the ruin that was once a place you lived, breathed, existed in. 'Peter would be better'
--
Hagrid takes Harry from me, confusion in his face, take him to Dumbledore I urge, voice strong and sure, take him some place safe. I watch as he flees into the night, watch as he takes the only living link I have with James away from me, and I know that this is probably the last time I will see either. I know that I am lost.
--
12 years I wasted in a place of death, 12 years I mourned my life as it could have been, for 12 years I went stir crazy, thinking of James, thinking of the world passing me by.
--
I glance at the full moon and hope that Remus is surviving the night, Sirius, he says, Sirius, let me come with you, and I turn and for a moment I'm confronted with James but the eyes, Lily's eyes stare back at me.
No, I say, no Harry, but the temptation is there, for Harry looks so much like James, so much like the boy that I loved and lost. Maybe, I think, maybe I could make this right and I know its wrong. For Harry is not James, but maybe he could be loved the way James would never let himself be loved.
Harry, I say.
Could I? Should I?
Yes, Harry, I whisper, and the rest of my words are muffled by the 13-year-old boy I hold in my arms, clutching him tight to my chest, I stare into the night sky as Harry buries his face into my neck, pitiful sobs racking his small body.
Forgive me James; I whisper into the black night sky, I know I'm lost no longer.