Howdy doody world of fanfictioners... I think. Anywho this fanfiction is probably going to make some writers mad. Just know that I love Dragon Age fanfiction as much as the guy next to me (well maybe not there's no one next to me), but is it just me or is every Cousland or other female Warden the exact same character? (Ten percent margin for error!) Every female is a rogue with twin daggers. Good GOD, it's good enough in it's own right but sheesh people some originality wouldn't kill ya! So anywho I did poke a bit of fun with this (my stick of pokiness once known as a broom). So that's it. MOVING ON...
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age or make money blah blah blah. We get the picture.
This Happened Seven Times Already...
"Darkspawn," shouted Elissa Cousland before running head first into the horde with both daggers drawn. Alistair had made to follow closely but stopped dead in his tracks at the sight before him.
Elissa Cousland had no trouble killing darkspawn after darkspawn. None could land a single scratch on her delicate skin -which Alistair wondered how she could be so skilled but have delicate skin- as she moved with such grace. Her auburn hair thrashing this way and that, her midnight blue eyes could have stopped the enemy dead in their tracks (which it did on a few occasions), her intense body language gave a simple message "I am the strongest person in the world!"
"Alistair you fool," barked Morrigan as she tried to focus on a spell to cast. "Why are you not in the fight with your love?"
Alistair pondered this for a minute, then shrugged. "Well let's be honest Morrigan," explained Alistair. "We all know how this is going to end. For every one I'll kill she'll slay ten more. And then once we, or she, is victorious she'll make a comment that makes me look like an idiot." The more he thought about it the more it was true. If he really wanted to he could have made lunch, relieved his bladder, and laid down for a nap without missing anything. "Then you'll agree with her, I'll probably make some high pitched 'Hey!', she'll say something witty (probably a stolen line that the writers originally gave me) and wink. I'll fall in love with her, she'll make me king, then we'll play it out from there."
"My my," Morrigan folded her arms. "But I'm impressed. How clever of you to come up with a sound logic."
"It's not logic," he held out a large stack of papers. Morrigan took half and started skimming through the many pages. "It's all right here. Look, she's an elegant fighter with twin blades at her back, and I'm an idiot who can't fight to save my own life. Despite how often I've fought to save my own life. You're a snide bitch (no argument from me), and she just... Well there's nothing she can't do short of flying."
"Ahh," she pointed to a page. "There is no playing out from there, she slays Howe and Loghain not to mention the archdemon after she convinces you to mate with me and make me pregnant."
"Convinces me to WHAT," he snatched the page out of her hand. "Ew... Oh Ew I think I'm going to be sick... Yes I'm going to throw up now. Watch the fight, tell me how it's looking!" As Alistair ran off to relieve the contents of his stomach. Morrigan search through more of the fictions.
Seven times did she find Elissa the graceful darkspawn slayer with two daggers, a witty attitude stealing all of Alistair's best lines (if Morrigan wanted to call them that which she didn't), angry over her parents death and only lashes out at Alistair who just sits there with a confused look on his face. She'll feel sad, Alistair will say something stupid and she'll feel so much better though she doesn't know why. Then they would fight, then fall in love, then fight, then fall in love, then Alistair would look stupid some more, and they would fall in love, then at least three more fights a lot of tears from Elissa. Zeveran would try to get some with the heartbroken Warden, she'd confide in him, and (even though it's never stopped him before) decide that Elissa belongs with Alistair. The fighting mostly consisted of Alistair killing three at the best, and one at the worst while Elissa killed a billion in one fell swoop.
"Okay," panted Alistair as he wiped any remaining vomit from his face. "I'm back did I miss anything?"
"She just took down an ogre," shrugged Morrigan. "Didn't even flinch."
"Really," asked Alistair with a raised eyebrow. "That just seems... Highly unlikely that she could kill one all by herself. I mean I've seen the gameplay and I know it's possible but this is just unlikely."
"Well Alistair," Morrigan returned her staff to it's place at her back. "I for one will no longer just sit around here while our fearless leader fights an entire darkspawn horde by herself."
"You want to head back to camp and grab some lunch?"
"For once Alistair you have a very good idea."
"I know," he says confidently. "What do we do about her?"
"Her," Morrigan waved her off. "She'll be fine. The writers have that magic wand that she wins every fight anyways. I've looked through here and I've seen it seven times already."
FIN!
(A/N: Not one of my best works. Wasn't meant to be, it was just some fast poking of fun...ness. So you all know the drill. Read, review, and remember... I love you!)