Disclaimer: I DarthSylar do not own the main characters of the story or any elements I have used. No one or property is being harmed by this story because all of it is the name of comedy. I own only my OC's and story ideas. Please be not offended as like I said its all in good fun!. Please enjoy and Review.
E. Cullen Patrick Eden is… I guess… some what involved in
Bear War: Cullen's Conflict!
Guest Starring: Bears and Bear affiliated Jokes and subtle guest jokes
Prologue:
Nineteen Eight-four, 1984, Oceania, Which was once England, the Ministry of Truth, A building with the purpose distributing lies, the Department of the Redundancy Department, Tuesday, the day following Monday
"Gentlemen, I have had intercourse of the sexual relations with this machine the inanimate object I point out before at which is the location I am indicating with my index finger." He says pointing at lawn mower with blood on its blades. "Now many of you would question as to why I did this, and by this I am referring to fornicating with the aforementioned machine, the lawnmower that I'm pointing too. I did this, the sexing of an innocent lawnmower for reasons two fold. Firstly…for Science! And secondly I desired to create a son who was the most epic thing since 300 Dark Knights 2: The King of the Return. And as you all know that I have chainsaw for a pienus. Long story…short my human pienus was possessed by demon and I had cut off with rocket launcher before it killed Big Brother. And then I chainsaw to replace it. But now I present to my Son of a bitch."
From out cradle his polt out a baby warped colth and held him up like Simba from the Lion King only with fire all around and Hannah Montana musak only Matrix-fied in background playing. "You will Joshua Romero Rasputin Raphael Leonardo Michelangelo Donetello Shredder Splinter Culver. You will be the biggest bad asses of all and live the by the code of Viking Samurai and descend in to Ashgard where will continuously fight and feed. But to accomplish you must die in glorious battle. To do this you must join forces with the Chosen one defeats the evil and then in the sequel you will find eternal food and fight when you die. Your epic quest…starts now." Josh's father said as he threw him in to the ground below to group of angry giraffe wolves with teeth made of daggers and wielding knives made of danger.
"Are you certain your son can do this Master Kaleb." Said Alfred butler of Batman
"Of course he can. Because as you know I am no normal man…I Am Sparta!" said future K.J Roke.
Part One: On the Twilight of Carnage!
The Following Takes Place Between Rick Rolling Revenge with K.J Roke and Daniel Grant Christen Staring Rick Rolling Revengence with K.J Roke
E. Cullen Patrick Eden did not listen to his cellular phone as he strode across the ocean called Lake Ontario. He had dynasty to fulfill. Though he phailed to be the Chosen One's BFF Forever. But had a jobe to do. He had to destroy the soviet Reunion and restore the Tsar's to Muther Russia. For this jobe he needed an army. An army that could fight. An army of Bears.
Collin first gathered to the Chicago Bears football team flesh from defeating the Seattle Seahawks in fierce gladiatorial combat. Then he went to Yellowston international space station and recruited Yogi Bear and Smokey the Bear. He traveled to Ice land to recruit the Volcano bears, To Malasia to gather together the ninja panabears and the Austria for the terminator Koalla Bears. Grizzlys, Polar, black and Mexican bears answered the call of cullen and met at the place where all great battles are planned and motivational speeches are given…The Ent Moot.
"City Bears, Country Bears, football teams, cartoon characters and mascots for fire prevention lend me your ears. I come too you with the promise that has been past through my family for generations. Ever since the beginning of time/space the bear has lived in mother Russia and the Tsar ruled Russia as peasant filled feudal government years behind western culture but dammit it was the greatest feudal government evar. Then the people said it was time for change and they had us kicked out. Years after we waited for our former enemies and now greatest allies, The United States of America, too topple the communist threat. But in its wake rose our greatest foes. The Soviet Reunion was not run by communist but by Werewolves. Tomorrow will be the day of the Longest night in da history of the globe. It will last 24 hours. The oceans will rise over Africa and France. Hurricanes will topple England. Fish and birds will fuck and give birth Nicholas Cage films. And of course the Werewolves will be at their strongest. This is the perfect time for us to make a last ditch effort to take back our country and restore the Status Quo to the world."
"But sire we cannot hope to win with out the help of the chosen one. Can you not call one of your friends to help us."
"I am fraid I cant becus they are helping K.J Roke in his glorious mission of Revengence. But fear not we can overcome them my great sientist tells me after tomorrow there will be a powerful cosmic event that will give us the advantage we need. SO who is with me!"
"You have our swords shouted the Ninja panda!"
"And You have our knives said the Austrian Terminator Kooalas."
"And my Ox" said the cow farmer as this was his grazing area…he then malled by the bears.
"It looks like the bears are going to war." Said the Chicago bears reading their machine rocket launcher guns
"You carry fate of us all little one. You better have a plan." Said Yogi bear loading a picnic basket full of plastic explosives.
"Better, I have cunning battle strategy that with out phail." Said E. Cullen Patrick Eden in a tone of irreverence.
Part Two: Blood Reign for New Moon!
"Atack them and fight them til they are dead." Thusly E. Cullen Patrick Eden's cunning plan of running all his forces into the Mother Russia. They penetrated deep into Mother Russia, and she liked it.
They met fears Werewolf resistance and many utter unspeakable forces of damnation. They face zombie cowboys riding other zombie cowboys in way that is as gay as it sounds. And army of Easter Bunnies with exploding eggs made of kryptonite the only weakness bears have. The Panda Ninjas used their bamboo swords to cut face in two and fly high in the sky and rain diamonds on their enemies.
The Chicago bears did a touchdown dance rite round where they Touchdowned downed a suitcase nuke up a werewolf's ass. Suffering many innocent Orphan children who sought refuge after the Orphan-Cancer patient wars of 1987.
Cullen was ledin the charge with bear claws he clove the way and barked necks with grows. He ripped arms off people and bet other people with them and then kicked them in the nuts with their own legs that he cut off with laser sword make bacon and the souls of Greek Gods.
Smokey the bear used a twenty bear flamethrower burned his enemies and gave lectures on how they should be preventing forest fires. Yogi bear blu up in boom of terrorisms that shoked da continent and lunched in the sky where the battle was joined by giant space slugs and some bird clams who used the mother country as the mating grounds.
The Carebears used their powers of love and happiness to cause the werewolves to kill them selves only for them to come back to life as rocks because Karma. While the Austrian Koola Bears were havin difficult time fighting Werewolf John Conner who used batarangs and shiny gold axe while flying on dragon to devest the bear armies.
The Polar bears used their maching guns that shot cokecola bottles to impale their targets while getting the other ones high off the concaine used in it. Dis made the bears rage and they turned into incredible hulk bears and began crutching skulls and using rib bones as chopsticks.
And the Black bears commited drive by shootings and then ate fried chicken while jumping really high in da air in Basketball and watching Tyler Perry movies…and enjoying them.
Then the werewolves were using magic and flying on dinosaurs with science guns. They cut swath of blood and entrails that they painted your house with and made it smell like shit just like you.
"I have to end this now." At that moment E. Cullen Patrick Eden unleashed his full powers gifted to him via the native Africans to become the thousand foot mech super bear. He had fur made of samurai swords, eyes filled with lightsabers and for claws he had nuklyar missiles coated diamonds and arms were Chain guns that fired not bullets, not rockets, not Jamaicans, not even Jesus (plural), it fired… Neo and Agent Smith (Plural times infinity plus one) The thousand foot mech super bear stormed over the cock us mountains and destroyed every fenceless village in his wake.
But little did he know that all his power was about to taken from when the cosmos event occurs, but you do show act surprised.
Part 3: Surprise Brain Eclipse!
At noon time the world became engulfed in an epic eclipse and with that all the bears returned to their normal humen forms. The Werewolves however evolved to have wings and could now fly under the sea and began to ran heil fire on the once bear army. E. Cullen Patrick Eden looked over to his best scientist Mohinderrance Suresh, "What cause us lose power." Axed Cullen "We needs it teh braked in to the fortross,"
"Life is an endless river. Eroding even the strongest stone to much dust. Said dust that cloaks the sun preventing the plants to grow. Generations become restless. Seeking Redemption for the failed Genesis. A vain struggle between valiant fugitives and vile villains. But all that is certain that there are those who answer the call of the wind and paint with its many colors and become Heroes."
"What fuck da mean." Said Cullen and then he shot his best scientist in the head for adding nothing to the plot and wasting his time with pseudo philosophical ramblings. He had a wars to fight. "I have to kill now but chainsaw is too slow." SO grabed a 5 story tall metal pole and attached two flaming machine guns and attacked them two each end and began fighting with his Gun Staff which he swung like dual bladed lightsaber on it was Gun Staff.
Cullen ran foot first into the fighting owning noobs and pwning lol cats. He did blackflips in air and slammed nukes up asses and rode Rode on dragons made of cystal meth which he smoked and gave him even mores power.
The sky turned green with envy at the great battle below and tried to attack Cullen with litning clouds and rained arrows of deadliness on to Cullen. But Cullen Cared not when it rained arrows of Deadliness he was singing and dancing in this rain. And he thusly thrillered across the star wars battlefront to the gates of Kazedum the dark fortross of Soviet Reunion.
"May lord of Disney land come fourth. And have grave injustice dune upon im." Shooted Cullen's shotgun grenaded.
When suddenly from out of the blackness came fourth the lord of the Disney land, zombie mecha Lenin. Zombie Mecha Lenin had lazer scythe and the hammer of Thor witch he used to caused earthquakes that killed all the rainforests started global warming.
Ain't dat an Inconvenient Truth!
"Now you die, Cullen."
"You will try…old man." And thusly Cullen used all of his mountain training to fight. He stabed the Zombie Mecha Lennin with his swish army potatoe and caused him to explod. But it was not over because now they had to take the battle into space. Where they had gun fu battle on the rings Saturn and a samurai fighting on the planet the sun.
When suddenly Cullen was kicked in the nuts with bees and sent flying back to earth with bees in his nuts.
"Oh God! The bees! They are in my nuts! They are in MY Nuts! They Are nuts! AHHHHHHHHHH!" Shouted E. Cullen Patrick Eden.
Zombie Mecha Lennin teleportaled on top of E. Cullen Patrick Eden and was aboot to shoots him the face-
When suddenly the force ghost of E. Cullen Patrick Eden's father Davy Crocket the most manly mountain man of Montana came from the blackness and blocked da bullets with his skull.
"Cullen! Sun you must defeats the evils."
"But Father! The bees! They Are what killed you and raped mother."
"NO sun! The Bees are your father."
"No! That not possible!"
"Searching your feelings and you will it to be true." And then the force ghost of Davy Crocket the most manly mountain man of Montana disappeared into the netherworld.
E. Cullen Patrick Eden knew what he had to now. He stode up big and tall strong. And with the help of the bees and the force created a bear body made of the bees and held together by force litning.
Cullen used his new powered to ripe off Zombie Mecha Lenin's Hammer of Thor and sodomized him into the blackness of the vril dimension where the evils of the nazi torment his soul forever.
But it ain't…Yet!
Part Four: Barbarians at Breaking Dawn!
E. Cullen Patrick Eden entered the fortross of Kazedume and found there to be a big curtain and behind this curatain was the man behind this great evil.
"Its you! I should have known that after this time it was."
"Yes Cullen! It is I Jacob Lenin brother of John Lenin, leader of the Werewolf Soviet Reunion." He said as he turning into a huge albino homosexual werewolf. "I am going to eat you and then kill you." And then lounged at E. Cullen Patrick Eden.
But E. Cullen Patrick Eden was too fast and delivered a kick that could crack elephant skulls in to the penus of Jacob Lenin the gay albino werewolf of the Soviet Reunion.
"That's not possible. Your impossibly fast. Ridiculously strong. Your skin is incredibly pale and cold to the touch."
"Say it! Say what I am!" Then Jacob Lenin whispered in harsh voice
"VAMPIRE!"
"Yes! Yes! I! AM!" and then Edward Cullen Patrick Eden shot his vampire sparkles into Jacob Lenin the gay Albino werewolf of the Soviet Reunion into the sky and then he fell down deep in the forests of Mirkwood.
"Sir, are you going after him. Or should I just let the forest fire deal with him." Axed Smokey the bear.
"No! I can't out there. Vampires can no do the sunlight. Or else we become much dust. Much dust…in the wind!"
When suddenly Edward Cullen Patrick Eden fell to his knees for he felt a great disturbance in the force. Like one powerful and awesome person screamed out and was suddenly silenced. That is when he knew….
The Chosen One had died!
The End
OR Is It?
Epilogue: Midnight Sun!
Is he alive?" Asked the Dark Wizard Jenny Jordan.
"Barely!" said a mysterious voice
"A pity! Can you rebuild him."
"We have the technology! Take with us. I see great future ahead of this boy." And so the Dark Wizard Jenny Jordan and Jacob Lenin the Gay Albino Werewolf of the Soviet Reunion leave the average planet of lava and muslims with the mangled body of K.J Roke. To deliver him to their Dark Masters!
TO Be Continued…