I feel like I'm in a room screaming and no one hears me. No one. I keep hearing the same things said over and over:
"We are so sorry for your loss."
"Steve was a wonderful person."
"I can't believe he is gone."
"Mr. Morrison was the best teacher."
The worst day of my life came today. I buried my best friend today: my husband of 25 years. I'm still in shock. My husband, Steve, who was a Middle School Band Director here in Oklahoma, was killed in a bus accident on his way home from a concert band contest last weekend. Ever since he was in junior high, Steve always wanted to teach music. He wanted to share his love of music with children and teach them how to play band instruments. Music was his passion, his life. It was my life and passion as well. Now, he is gone. We knew each other forever. We went to the same elementary school, different junior highs and met again in high school. He was my life: my soul mate. We dated for 6 years before getting married after he graduated college. He was the love of my life. After the funeral, I came home and isolated myself.
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME?!" I scream. I curl up in a ball in the corner of the living room. I must have drifted off to sleep for a while. It is now dark outside.
I keep asking the same question to myself over and over: How do I go on without him? I'm now in our guest room bed. I haven't stepped foot or slept in our bedroom since he died. I can't go back in there. I'm just staring at the ceiling listening to the song, "Just a Dream" that I have on repeat on my Ipod. I listen to the words and I start crying again. This has to be a dream. A horrible nightmare even, but when I wake up, I realize this is real life slapping me in the face. I….MISS….HIM….SO….MUCH. This last week has been the worst in my life, the pain is almost indescribable. I'm numb and cold: so cold. I just want to run away and be left alone.
It's been two weeks since the funeral and I have not left the house or talked to anyone. I have not gone back to work doing what I love: teaching four year olds and I have hardly eaten. I don't even want to get dressed and I definitely don't want to talk to anybody. My best friend, Susan, who lives across the street, has called me every day and has left messages on the answering machine, but I don't even want to talk to her right now. I just wake, cry, and sleep. Well, try to sleep. I am scared to close my eyes and sleep. All I see around me is my husband. I turn on all of the lights in the house because I'm scared of being alone in the dark and I just sit on the couch with my knees drawn up to my chest all night long. I can't wait for the sun to rise each day.
I also feel like my love of music has died along with him. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I can't bear to listen to any music right now. The hollow, empty feeling in my chest will not go away. I feel so alone. I am alone.
Four weeks have now gone by and if anyone asked me how I was doing, I would say, "If I told you I was fine, I'd be lying." I've decided that Steve would haunt me for the rest of my life if I didn't get off my ass, stop feeling sorry for myself, and try to go on with my life. I've decided that I need a change: a drastic change. I wake, shower, pack a suitcase, and head out of the house and drive to the airport. I stand in the concourse of the airport and am looking at all of the outgoing flights trying to decide where to go. I find one of the places I have always wanted to visit:
Seattle.
SONG
Carrie Underwood – Just a Dream