It was after midnight when Jane tried to sneak out of bed. She silent and slow, clearly trying not to wake him, but he was already awake. Had in fact decided not to sleep, always decides not to sleep on the nights she joined him, so that he would know the exact moment when she left.
Perhaps he had cultivated a false sense of security in her. She thought herself able to sneak away from him without being detected because he never stopped her, never called out to her. He knew his place, knew her place, knew the place that they had carved out for themselves was one of shadows and half nights. On a normal night, he wouldn't have called out to her. He would have watched her closely, obsessive, studying her every detail as he watched her sneak out of his bed and out of her room.
Apparently this was not a normal night. He found himself reaching out to grab her wrist before she could get out of bed. Jane turned in surprise, eyes wide, his name falling from her lips. "Loki..."
"Don't go!" he pleaded softly.
She jerked back in surprise, but he only held tighter to her wrist. "What?"
"Stay with me," Loki said. He looked into her eyes, letting his desperation be laid bare before her. "Please, don't go back to him. Stay with me."
She pressed her lips together in a tight frown, her eyes avoided his, her body withdrew slightly despite her not pulling away. It was a rejection as clear as words and she hadn't even spoke yet. It hurt. It hurt to know her answer, to see it written so plainly across her skin. To read it in her every action when she didn't even seem pleased about making the decision, only pained.
"I can't, Loki," she told him softly.
Won't. She meant that she won't. There was not reason that she could not decide to stay, it was only that she was choosing not to.
He should have known better. He hadn't asked her to do something stupid like staying with him since the third time they'd had one of these tryst. Long enough that it was no longer a fluke, long enough that he knew that it would keep happening. She had told him no then and he'd resolved then and there never to ask her again. Yet here he was, stupidly trying to convince her to stay when no one else ever had.
"You don't have to go back to him," Loki said, because he was a fool who was in too deep and when there was a shovel in his hand all he knew how to do was dig himself deeper. A sensible person would have tried to fill in the hole by now. Not Loki.
"Loki, please," she said soft, trying to tug her arm out of his grip softly. Not wanting to go, but still trying to leave. Still clearly choosing him over Loki. "Don't do this."
"I can give you everything he can," Loki told her.
"I know." She was shrinking into herself a little, the guilt eating away at her as it sometimes did. It no longer tore at him. He was't sure why she continued this when she seemed to regret it so much sometimes. But when they were together she always kissed him like a woman drowning and he was her only lifeline, and he could never question her then. Could never doubt her in the face of such desperate passion.
He had never questioned her, in fact. But he didn't have to. They lived in the same palace, walked the same circles. Loki knew why she came to him. It was the same reason that Loki let her. Thor left people lonely, whether it was intentional or not.
"Please, Jane. Don't go back to him."
Ridiculous how they avoided speaking Thor's name as if it would invite a curse upon them. As if they would not full and well deserve it if that was the outcome.
Jane shook her head. "You know why I can't," she told him. "Magni needs us. If I did this... they'd question him, they'd question me. They would think him illegitimate."
Loki almost didn't care about that. Almost wanted to let Thor's spawn burn in the fires of public opinion if it meant that Loki could have what made him happy. But he wouldn't, couldn't when he knew how hot and long those fires would burn. When he had personally stood in their heat so long he'd feared that Mulspulheim had swallowed him from the inside.
He let her go and she pulled her arms close to her body, closed her eyes tightly as if she was pained. Perhaps she was. He wouldn't ask her and she wouldn't tell. Loki had been rejected twice now and he wouldn't risk a third time with more words.
They were silent as she dressed. He watched her and she knew that he did, even if she refused to look at him again When she went to the door she whispered, "I'm sorry," before slipping away from him.
Thor was a heavy sleeper. She could probably slip into his bed with him none the wiser as always. But some part of Loki, a small desperate part, wanted her to get caught. Wanted Thor to know and for her to have no choice but to make a decision one way or the other. To either stop coming to Loki or stop going back to Thor.
He knew that wouldn't happen though. Even if Thor knew, he imagined that he would be just like Loki. Pretending to sleep, staying awake to listen to the stillness of the night and hoping that she would come back. Even if she left again, wanting her to come back so badly that it was surely worth it to loose a little sleep, to watch her so often walking away.
Loki lay back down in his bed with a heavy heart. Perhaps after this stunt she would not cone again, but Loki knew that he would feel empty until she did.