Hey everybody!
Before you can start to read I just want to let you know that this is my first story I translated into English. I know my grammar and propably spelling too is far away from perfect but I try to improve it so I can take a few months abroad during university. So I thought translating my stories into English could be a great way to start improving. When there are faults please let me know!
For those who want to read it in the original language (German) you find the story on a German side called FanFiktion de . It has the same name.
And now - have fun reading, I hope you enjoy it. And don't let the faults distract you too much (I'm so sorry though!)
Oh, I've forgotten to say that I already uploded this story a few months ago but have had to change it because of the songtext in it. I removed the text passages and I hope the story still makes sense.
End of text here - it's showtime!
I Will Follow You Into The Dark
I knew that this day would come.
Inexorably. Threateningly. Destroying.
I knew that we might spend only one restricted time with each other.
I knew that this time would be never sufficient.
I knew that this time would be too little to experience everything with you.
I knew that destiny would tear us apart.
I knew that this awful illness would rob me one day the thing what was the most important to me.
My life.
The love of my life.
You.
And for that reason I enjoyed every single day I could spend this precious, few time of my life with you.
Twenty years.
Only this time was given to us.
Too little. Way too little.
However, I tried to make the best out of this situation.
With every day I thought more often about you.
With every day I wanted to be closer to you than on the day before.
With every day I loved you more.
And, therefore, you will no longer be lonely.
I will no longer be lonely...
I know what you would say now.
That I would be a selfish person. That I wouldn't pay attention to what harm I do to others.
You would curse way too much, the wonderful British curse bloody would leave as every second word your wonderful mouth.
You have always cursed too much, but that was another part of you which I've loved with every day more since I know you.
Likewise your love to tea, which was always inexplicable to me.
Your confidence in existence of magical creatures.
Your habit to often drink way too much.
Even your eyebrows.
These eyebrows above those incredibly green, shining eyes, which have caught me since the very first moment.
In those I could lose myself.
In those I could drown and don't need to reappear for hours because I knew - as long as these eyes caught me, you were still with me.
Your eyes, which had the color of emeralds.
The reason why I can't see green as near as the color of your beautiful, beautiful eyes since you were gone.
The fact that I can no longer see emeralds without drowning in pain, I probably don't have to mention...
I miss you!
And I love you. With all my heart.
And, therefore, you don't have to take your way on your own.
I will be at your side.
I will support you, I will help you.
Finally, we'll meet again.
That's all I want.
You.
On this way, there will not be those stereotyped, uncertain signs of death.
No light, no white, no long way into a beaming, lonesome future.
Only we both.
Only we both.
Finally, I can hold your hand again.
Hear your voice again.
Smell your irresistible scent again.
Feel your breath against my skin.
Finally - finally - I can feel your infinitely soft lips on mine again.
Dear God.
I miss you so much that everything hurts inside of me.
Everything hurts, nothing is as it was before.
Everything feels broken, lifelessly and stunted.
And in the moments when nothing hurts - everything is empty instead.
Nothing has a meaning anymore.
Not laughing.
Not crying.
Not living.
My life has no meaning anymore…
And, therefore, I will come to you.
And then, when I finally see you again, everything will have a sense again.
Finally, I may hold you in my arms again.
Finally, I may drive you mad only by my laughter and my kind.
And maybe I may spill your tea in the bathtub again only to annoy you.
Finally, I may can enjoy life again.
And if it's only the life after death, it's still a life with you.
And this is everything what I wish for right now.
Everything else doesn't matter to me.
Life. Dead.
Both don't matter right now, still -
Who do you think will rather take us?
Heaven or hell?
I don't know what they are thinking about us up there in heaven.
Maybe it makes no difference for the angels that I love you.
Maybe it doesn't matter that I am a man, too.
Maybe God is so gentle and lets Adam and Eve to be Adam and Eve and allows that there can be an Adam and Evan, too.
Adam and Evan.
A and E.
America and England.
The countries of our origin.
That's a sign! Believe me.
And if it's not a sign … then maybe it's different in hell.
Maybe down there two sinners are more likely to be welcome.
It wouldn't surprise me, with your humor.
I've always loved your humor. Cynically and pitch-black. British.
I've loved so much of you - no. Everything!
And, therefore, it doesn't matter to me whether we will land in heaven or in hell.
Also, it doesn't matter to me that we might break some rules.
Because, if both sides would have been against us, no one could have taken you away from me.
They should have known, that I would come to you and, for God's sake, that I wouldn't stop loving you more than my own life.
Because you are my life.
You were … my life.
And exactly for that reason, I will come to you.
I need my life back, because what makes life worth living, if not life itself?
Certainly, you're rolling your eyes again. Say that I am to pathetic.
And you know what? Perhaps this is even correct.
Perhaps I am pathetic.
And this can only be put down when I accompany you on your way.
And you accompany me on mine.
I will be by your side, hold your hand and get through everything with you.
Because as of now I will live forever.
We will live forever. Together. United.
Until eternity.
I remember, the first time I saw you I knew that one day you would be the most important person in my whole life.
And I knew that life wouldn't be too kind with us.
I don't know if I told you this story yet.
For certain.
And if not I'll tell you now, even if you can't hear me no longer.
But I don't mind telling you this story once more when we see each other again.
Again and again as long as you want to hear it.
You know I was fifteen when I came to this goddamn school.
Ha, what an irony where it was a church school.
But surely God couldn't be found in this hell.
I have found someone other for this.
You.
I've heard you talking with your lovely, lovely accent.
I wanted to be the only one who would ever hear a confession of love out of that mouth with this breathtaking accent.
I saw you.
Your messy blond hair.
Your really impressive eyebrows.
And your eyes as beautiful as nothing else in the world. So beautiful even the fireworks of July 4th couldn't keep pace - and you know how much I love the national holiday of my country.
Since that moment as I lay eyes upon you I knew that there is something from then on that I love more than fireworks - perhaps God had hidden in some corner of this horrible place.
You were and you are the love of my life.
The first and the only love.
But as I soon found out the nuns don't tolerated my feelings.
After all, we already were at a pure boys' school through what the adolescent skirmish should be prevented between boys and girls and love should be excluded from the very beginning.
Well, I would say, that hasn't worked…
Nevertheless, I loved you more with every single second.
And even if you haven't realized it at first - the head nun realized it quite quickly.
And she wasn't pleased.
Not at all.
But all of this torture I've had to go through - the beating, the attempts to exorcise these 'abnormalities', these 'sins' out of me - couldn't have changed anything of my feelings for you.
They grew further with every single day.
And then, one day - I don't know how long I've had these feelings for you, months, years … an eternity - you started to return these feelings.
Holy! I was the happiest man on earth! I was allowed to call the most handsome, the best, the most irresistible man of the world to be my boyfriend - mine, only mine.
I think you don't even know how happy I was back then. How happy I am now. How unbelievably happy and in love.
Although I've tried every day to show you how much I love you … I doubt I ever showed it you properly.
And now you're gone and I don't have any more chances to show it properly.
I remember, beside my incredibly happiness I also felt something different.
In the dark, subconsciously.
It was there, lying in wait. I never managed this feeling to vanish entirely.
I was in fear.
Fear of losing you.
Fear of you be taken away from me.
I feared that the nuns would tear us apart.
The fear was present all the time, but it was never as big, never as all-around as my love for you.
She was more greatly, more beautifully and better than everything I've ever possessed and what I've ever been able to imagine.
And one day I've actually managed to forget the fear.
We moved in together, we've got married
We were even close before to adopt a kid.
My life couldn't have been more fulfilling.
Because you were in my life … as my life.
And that was everything I've ever wanted. What I've ever dreamed of.
You were there by my side and I was happy.
But then, with one little push the fear returned.
The diagnosis two years ago has changed my life suddenly.
I would lose you.
Would never be able to hear your laughter again.
Would never be able to kiss you.
Would never be able to fall asleep at your side when our time had passed once.
Why?
God, Satan. Why?!
What have I done that one snatched the most important person in my life from me?
Have I been too egoistic?
Too selfish?
Too determined to keep the one thing that was the most important to me?
That one thing for what I would have given my life without hesitation.
Only for you.
Perhaps God and Satan are pleased to see me suffering from pain.
Perhaps I've too often showed my atheism.
Perhaps I've too often laughed about heaven and hell, both taken down like a fairy tale which is told to children to make sure they behave.
Perhaps I deserved it.
Perhaps I was too bad in the eyes of the big rulers to deserve something better.
Perhaps both are happy now…
I hope you guys got what you wanted!
Because as of now it will be no longer so easy for you.
I'm coming to you.
I want, I have to see you again.
I will show them what I'm willing to do just to hold you in my arms once more.
I will come to you, I will hold your hand.
We will take the walk into the unknown together.
I don't mind what the unknown will look like.
Because the only thing important to me is that you are by my side.
And, therefore, I will follow you. It's only a matter of time.
I am with you soon.
Do you remember our wedding?
I've sworn you that I'll never leave you alone.
That I will follow you everywhere no matter where the journey will go.
I think I've kept my word, didn't I?
I've loved to travel the world with you.
We've seen so much, experienced so much.
We've got acquainted with so many people, new friends.
We've seen so many beautiful places.
We didn't care where we've found accommodation, how our clothes have looked like or in which weather we've traveled the whole world.
The most important thing is that we were together the whole time. We've experienced everything together. We've kept unbelievably beautiful memories.
But I'm certain that my memories and my experiences would have never been so beautiful if you hadn't been on my side.
If you hadn't stood next to me, hadn't held my hand every day, hadn't given me this breathtaking smile of yours which still robs my mind even in my memories -
If you hadn't done these things, if you hadn't been by my side … I think I would have been a very lonely, very sad man.
If our relation had never taken place, if I've chased after the dream, the hope of a life with you forever … I think my life hadn't had any sense.
No, I'm certain it would've been senseless.
I'm experiencing it now and I cannot bear it at all.
I cannot make further.
Without you.
I don't have any strength to go out of bed in the mornings.
Cannot go to work.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I cannot see our friends any more. The most wonderful, craziest, best friends whom one can imagine.
Because all of them still have somebody for whom it is worth living for.
Somebody who they can see everyday, can touch everyday and who they can desire everyday.
I'm so sorry that I neglect them, that I can do nothing more with them because everything we do together reminds me of you.
I've tried it, honestly, but it simply didn't work.
Without you, I cannot go on like nothing's ever happened.
I need this certainty again that I fall asleep next to you in the evening and wake up next to you in the morning.
I need this certainty that you still are there.
That I'm not alone with all these thoughts.
These feelings.
This mourning.
The infinite, deep, all-embracing pain which haven't let off of me since you're gone.
I can't bear it any longer.
I only want to fall asleep.
In my hands I hold the last barrier, the last obstacle which is separating us.
I want to overcome them, want to leave the pain behind me and only want to drift into a peaceful never-ending sleep.
I want to see you again.
I don't know if you can hear me.
If you can feel my pain.
If you know how much I miss you.
If you notice it and are now completely furious because I'm shortly about to do something very, very stupid -
I promise you it's not stupid at all.
I've thought about it since you were gone.
No, in reality I've had the thought since we've known of your disease.
After all I've sworn that I will never leave you alone, haven't I?
And I don't intend to break only one single promise opposite you.
Because for this you are too important to me.
Way too important.
And, therefore, don't be sad.
You will no longer be alone.
Soon, very soon we will see each other again.
I can't wait to see in your eyes again and tell you how much I love you.
How much I desire you.
How much I've missed you.
It doesn't need much more time.
I'm with you soon.
Hold on still a bit longer.
Love of my Life.
Heaven? Hell?
Perhaps you guys are happy that you have taken away the most important from me in my life.
Perhaps you are happy that you have managed to fetch me to you.
At last, who can resist somebody like me?
After all – I'm the hero...
I'm not a hero.
At my plan there's nothing heroic.
It's selfish.
It's irresponsible.
It's cowardly.
I know that I let down our friends.
That I let them in uncertainty, that I disappoint them and that I haven't said goodbye to them properly.
I've written a letter but this is nothing in comparison with a personal farewell.
Oh god. All of them will be devastated.
Two friends gone. Dead.
In the time of two months.
I'm already sorry.
But I have to think of myself.
And most importantly -
Of you.
Would I have said goodbye personally, I don't know whether I would have been able to keep my promise.
Whether I wouldn't have left you alone anyway.
And I couldn't allow this.
I know it's cowardly.
But I don't mind.
I just want to be with you.
These pills taste like nothing.
Stupidly. One should think that one may at least enjoy a good taste within his last minutes, right?
But then ... I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve anything.
No meaning in life since you're gone.
No joy.
Not a single beautiful day.
Everything is gray. Sad. Unimportant.
I don't deserve you either.
You're way too good for me!
If you notice what I'm doing here right now…
You probably hate me now.
Are cursing me because I'm so stupid to throw everything away.
But I cannot make further.
I don't want to make further.
I would deserve it if you would hate me now.
No!
No, please don't hate me!
Please Arthur, I'm begging you. Please don't hate me!
Please!
Please.
I love you.
Too late.
Everything's blurring. Nothing's clear anymore. My eyes are closing.
My breath gets even.
My heart beats more quiet.
Soon it won't beat anymore at all.
Only then I'm happy.
Then I'm at your side.
You're at mine.
I can't wait for it.
Slowly I'm drifting into darkness.
And I'm happy.
I probably die with a smile on my lips.
Perfect.
I want our friends to see that I wanted it that way.
I wanted to leave at least this to them.
I feel nothing anymore.
Only one single thought has place in my head now.
The last thought I will ever have before I'm with you again.
I love you.
And I'll follow you into the dark