Summary: After a decision to finally end the unrelenting diagnoses of his many psychiatrists, Ludwig settles on one final physician to help clear the unsolved mysteries of his own subconscious. One about a particular memory. However, doubt always seems to want to crawl back and pick apart his own logic.
A/N: Hey guys! So...another story again. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to really finish all the other stories that I already started with. But regardless of that, I finally just said "What the hell." and just split this story into two parts just as a way to introduce this.
The content of this story is very dark in terms of the interpretations of religion and such, alongside a LOT of gore.
So please, this is not meant for those who are uncomfortable with those topics in general. And also, this is not a reflection of my views of religion. I myself am a religious person, and I honestly just wanted to write something horrific about another perspective of looking at religion.
As a side note to my friend Jess:
I wasn't able to put your original idea for the title for this because I didn't think it would completely fit the story like I'd like. But I'm happy for the suggestion and might use it for future use :P
Also (to you and to anyone else who needs this):
YOU CAN DO IT
FINISH YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES
KICK IT BETWEEN THE LEGS
EAT ICE CREAM
The office building wasn't quite as daunting as he had initially imagined. Its entrance was rather inconspicuous by itself; a single door among the many that he had just passed by in the south district. The city had a knack for hiding away different places in plain sight, yet the clinic itself stood out very obnoxiously with the cheerful "OPEN" sign on one of its windows. The glass door identified itself in plain black letters. It confirmed Ludwig's point of location.
Dr. Kiku Honda MD
Board-Certified Mental Health Therapist
He was ten minutes early into his scheduled appointment, so there wasn't any rush. But despite the familiarity of the sessions with previous physicians, he was always unsure of himself. Would another one be of any help at all?
He took a moment adjust his tie and collect his thoughts before he went inside.
Ludwig found the waiting room area small, but packed with varying ages of patients. Most seemed to be young adults, but a few kids were seen reading books to pass the time. Taking a seat in a welcoming open chair, he sat down and waited.
His fingers seemed to instinctively link with each other as he leaned back and closed his eyes.
Dr. Honda is the fifth doctor that he's had since his mental relapse. He wanted the memory of happened to him all those months ago to come away and go like any other, and perhaps if he was lucky, to be also completely erased from his head forever. He didn't mind new prescriptions and more medication. Anything to get rid of it.
His efforts for suppression were in vain, of course. Nothing could get rid of a memory as vivid as he recalled. He had once tried to assume that perhaps he was only dreaming. And that it was all just a nightmare that was bound to be dismissed from the mind after a while passed.
However, a dream can't be a dream if everything wasn't the same as before. After all, his brother and Antonio were still missing.
"Ah, Ludwig Beilschmidt?"
Ludwig looked up. The Japanese man was short in stature, but professional with the way he carried himself. He had a white coat atop his shoulders and a clipboard in hand. Ludwig stood, approaching him. It was a first for him to see a doctor call the patients without a nurse to guide him. Dr. Honda smiled.
"You must be…?"
"Yes," he replied, extending a hand. "We've spoken over the phone. It's nice to meet you, Doctor."
"Likewise." The man gave a polite nod, leading him inside. Past the hallway on his left, they entered into a well lit room with two brown, leather chairs open for him to take. Dr. Honda took a moment to sit down in his own place behind the desk. He reviewed the chart on his clipboard one more time as he made himself comfortable.
"Well, Mr. Beilschmidt," Dr. Honda began. "To be frank, your medical history with your other physicians has been quite…confusing. And truthfully, I am not quite sure what to make of it."
Ludwig sighed, taking a moment to lean back. "…it is what it says. I haven't been able to find much help with the medication I've been receiving. All my therapists had given me different diagnoses, and different medications with it."
Dr. Honda kept his eyes on the chart, making his own deductions. His eyes flicked around the paper as he read the report again.
After a moment, Ludwig felt uneasy once more. The seed of doubt had resurfaced. It would mean another few rounds of tests per test before he could get another answer.
"Alright," Dr. Honda finally took his gaze back to Ludwig's. "Perhaps it is best we get started. For the present moment, let us just do a basic evaluation, ignoring your previous results." He clicked his pen, getting his paper ready. "Starting from square one."
Friday evenings were best partied with friends, and Francis was the master of ceremonies. It was a time of celebration; an event for Antonio and his birthday. Gilbert had insisted that his brother come along for the ride, and Ludwig had relented only this once since he wasn't working in the auto-shop this weekend. Antonio was a good man and deserved every bit of happiness for the night. His break-up with Bella had been a leech on him.
"A toast!" Gilbert practically roared, holding his foaming glass of beer in hand. "To the best amigo in the whole fucking world!"
Francis chuckled, holding his own glass of wine between his fingers. He had more class than his Gilbert did. But he lifted it with him.
"Oui! There is nothing better than a good evening among good friends!"
Antonio himself looked genuinely glad, which was a lot more appealing than his recent depressed demeanor. Ludwig smiled too, raising his own glass with them as Antonio laughed.
"Si! And many thanks to you three! Thank you so much for everything tonight! Y-You don't know how much this means to me…"
Antonio had cried, and despite the teases, they all had a grand time.
The party lasted until late evening, and Gilbert was completely off his rocker. Ludwig had kept tabs on how much his brother had been drinking. It was enough to make him tipsy, really. Not that this surprised him, but he was covertly grateful. Drunkenness would have meant long hours of off-key singing and a grumpy man by morning.
Francis had waved them off, smiling to them as they made their way to the car. Antonio had hitched a ride, and Ludwig was the one now driving.
Gilbert was in the front with him, humming ditties and tunes.
"What are you singing about, Gil?"
"The Prussian national anthem! What else?!" He declared, humming the lyrics to himself. Ludwig looked back at Antonio in the rear view mirror as he started the car and turned on the headlights.
"Sorry, Antonio. He has a tendency to sing a lot like this."
"Ich bin ein Prusse, kennt ihr meine Farben~?" trilled Gilbert, leaning against his seat as he swung his fingers around. It was as if he were conducting a concert of his own. Antonio laughed.
"Ah, no worries. I've seen him many times like this too. Tipsy, but not drunk. He's a bit of a character."
"Not one you'd like to have in the morning," Ludwig warned. The wheels of their old Mercedes scrunched against the gravel of the driveway as they backed out. After opening the windows to wave goodbye to Francis, they were off to the country road.
Francis lived very far away from the residential homes, preferring the feel of forests and nature surrounding him. During the nighttime, it was honestly eerie. Gone were the greens of the leaves, which now held shadows that Ludwig had to look through to see ahead with his high beam. Ludwig wasn't particularly afraid of anything, but rather, he didn't like the claustrophobia the trees were making him feel. Even with this light, the road was just as dark. Gilbert had even stopped his song upon looking outside.
"Oi, Toni," Gilbert said suddenly. "Why does Francis like living out here, anyway? It's pretty isolated." Ludwig took note of his brother's tone.
Antonio shrugged. "He mentioned something about nature. Like how he has the place to plant a garden."
"Who would want to start a garden in a creepy-ass place like this?"
"Well, it doesn't look like this in the morning anyway. I bet it looks nice."
The chatter had begun, and Ludwig glanced at the digital clock in his car. It was two hours until midnight.
The sound of the car sputtering got Ludwig's attention to the dashboard. Gilbert cursed.
"What the hell happened?"
"Oh mein Gott, not now," Ludwig groaned, pulling his car to a stop at the side of the road. Antonio peeked over, looking at the fuel gauge. It had been previously shown to have been at the midpoint. But perhaps a bump in the road finally unclogged the dial to empty, marking its true amount of gas at that instant.
"I told you to fill it up before we left," Ludwig grumbled to his brother. Gilbert rose an eyebrow.
"Me? Why was it supposed to be me? You were the one who drove it last!"
"Yes, but even so, I still asked-"
"Well it's not like it's my damn responsibility all the time!"
Antonio slammed his hands down onto the backs of their chairs, startling both of them.
"Please," he sighed. "Not now. Not when we just had a good time."
The two brothers looked at each other. Gilbert just crossed his arms while Ludwig sighed.
"Well…there's no point in trying to argue about it, I suppose. There aren't any extra gas tanks in our car."
Gilbert looked unhappily outside.
"Yep. We'll totally find a gas station in this place." He murmured. "It's not like we're in the middle of the goddamn woods or something."
"Ha ha," Antonio rolled his eyes and pat Gilbert's shoulder. "Stop being so overdramatic. If Francis lives out here, then there should be someone at least nearby, right?"
"He has a point." Ludwig remarked. Gilbert just opened the car door.
"Come on, then. I just fucking hate the idea of going out here. Do we even have flashlights?"
"Yeah. Let me get them."
Ludwig got out and strode over to the back of the car, popping open the trunk to retrieve two flashlights. Antonio climbed out of the car just after, managing to grab his coat on the way out. Once the door had been slammed, Ludwig took out his key to lock it. The sound of the beep echoed through the area, and Gilbert went over to them to take one of the flashlights.
"We're splitting up," he concluded, snatching the light from Ludwig's hand. Both Antonio and Ludwig were wide-eyed.
"W-We can't do that! That'll just make it harder for us in the long run!"
"Si…I have to agree with Ludwig on this one, amigo. Besides, there's no reception here. We can't contact each other."
Gilbert groaned.
"Fine. If you sissies want to really stay together, you do that. I'm not wanting to waste time. I'll head over this way and you guys can go that way. Come back within two hours, okay?"
Ludwig bit his lip. Perhaps he shouldn't have pushed so hard on him about the empty tank.
"How long has it been?" Ludwig asked, yawning.
"…about an hour and a half. I think we should head back. Maybe we can just sleep in the car until morning and catch someone off the road."
Both men were tired. They had diverged off into wooded area in hopes of finding at least a bright light to indicate a house somewhere. But sadly, even as their wet and muddied shoes kept moving, they didn't find anything of the sort. Ludwig yawned again, handing the flashlight to Antonio before rubbing his eyes.
"Well…at least we tried. I wonder if Gilbert has found any luck?"
"If he has, it's a miracle." Ludwig smiled at the thought. "He'll probably boast about it."
The two laughed together as they began to trudge their way back to the road.
Ludwig had barely gotten a few steps before he heard something. Antonio also stopped.
"Excuuuuuse me!" the voice called out. It sounded very high pitched, and quite cheerful. Ludwig turned his head. A happy-go-lucky looking man seemed to bound over to them. Antonio flashed the light to him, and he yelped as he put his hands up to protect his eyes.
"Too bright! I can't see!"
"Ah! Sorry!" Antonio pointed it downward. The bouncy man just recovered quickly and went over to them.
"It is no problem, ve~! Hello!" he greeted, extending a hand. "My name is Feliciano! Are you lost like me?"
Ludwig looked at Antonio, who looked back at him.
"Well…not really. We're just trying to find our way back. You're lost?" Antonio asked.
"…I am. I was only going out for a moment! I swear to you! My brother must really be mad…" Feliciano looked at the ground, looking quite honestly sorry for what he had just done. Before Ludwig could issue a reply, Antonio turned to him. "We should help him!" Antonio insisted. "We still have a little more over thirty minutes! We have time!"
"Ve? You will?"
Ludwig hesitated. "What if it takes too long? What if Gilbert comes back before we do? He can't even get into the car! I have the keys!"
"Ludwig, really. It's not going to be long. It can't be." Antonio looked sweetly to Feliciano. Ludwig swallowed.
Antonio tended to have a sweet spot for 'adorable' boys.
"How far do you think your house is from here?"
Feliciano looked up in thought.
"Ve…perhaps ten minutes? That's how long I think I've walked…"
Antonio grinned at Ludwig. "See? Plenty of time."
Feliciano clapped his hands. "Oh thank you, signori!" he cheered. "If you need a place to spend the night, we have just the location! Oh thank God above for finding me help!"
Feliciano seemed to have his eyes fixated upward, looking as if he were speaking to God directly. Antonio chuckled. Ludwig felt a little bit off with it. He wasn't entirely religious like his brother and Antonio. Sometimes addressing the supernatural wasn't exactly comfortable.
So they went, going together under the trees. They had to go over a few logs and rocks, and with Antonio's flashlight, they were able to avoid skeptical pathways.
Eventually, Ludwig noticed a light shining right in the darkness. He blinked a moment, squinting as he looked.
"Is that…?"
"Huh? Oh!" Feliciano saw the light and rejoiced. "There it is! There is my home! Oh come, come, strangers! I insist!"
With no other choice, Ludwig and Antonio went just after him, right into the path of the house light. Its shine was rather strong, Ludwig noted. He wondered why he hadn't noticed it before. Surely something so bright would be seen far away?
"Your house is quite beautiful, Feliciano!"
"Oh thank you~" he said with a blush. "This place used to be our Nonno's house. We lived with him a long time, so now it has become mine and my brother's house!"
Ludwig took the chance to look at it. The house indeed looked old, with a few brown splotches of some mold here and there. But it looked stable enough, and well kept. The ivy growing on the side of the home was a little bit bothersome, but at least it looked aesthetically pleasing to the eye.
"Tell me, signori," Feliciano asked. "I believe I have forgotten to ask you for your names!"
Antonio brightened up immediately. "Oh my name is Antonio! But please call me Toni! It is a lot more convenient, no?"
Feliciano smiled. "Toni. And yours?"
"…Ludwig."
"So Toni and Luddy?"
They nodded. Ludwig exhaled a little slowly, trying to get used to the odd nickname he was given.
"Well, welcome! Please come in! We had another guest come in earlier. I hope you don't mind him."
Another guest?
When they got into the home, Ludwig again took a glance round. The place was warm and cozy; completely more preferable than the outside weather. Antonio had removed his jacket, holding it as they looked around. The furniture and chairs was well spaced, though a little bit dusted over time. On the walls, however, there were no pictures of any kind.
There were crucifixes, all with diverse sizes and designs. And they stretched all the way across the wall. There was hardly even a wall to be seen. He felt his heart clench a little. He knew crosses were also common in religious families, but never had he seen so many in one area.
"Very beautiful decorations, right?" Feliciano didn't appear to be disturbed by this. Perhaps it was just Ludwig.
"They're…rather interesting."
"This way! My brother Lovino is cooking!" he ushered them right into the kitchen. The decorations hadn't exactly changed. There were still crosses littering the walls and the refrigerator. But what made it a little more relaxing as the sight of his brother at the table smiling as he looked up. He looked as if he had been there for some time.
"Hey!" Gilbert greeted. He was sitting right at a table, which was decorated with a red and white checkered tablecloth. "You guys made it!"
A new voice came into the room and a man who looked astonishingly similar to Feliciano came out with a scowl on his face. He was wearing an apron and leaning against the frame of the doorway, looking unhappily.
"Where the hell have you been?"
He looked directly to Feliciano first before looking at the other two guests.
"Shit. Now I have to make more fucking food. Thanks a lot."
"Ve~ It's not that bad, Lovi! I-I got lost, but these men helped me home! We have to feed them something!"
The man named Lovi beat Feliciano's head with a wooden spoon. Feliciano yelped as he held his head.
"Oww…"
"That's for running off without a flashlight, stupid. What if these guys were murderers, eh? What if they began to hurt you just because you were lost?"
"I-It's not like that! They are nice gentlemen! Please stop hitting meeee!"
Ludwig blinked. Well they certainly are an odd couple. Antonio took a seat right next to Gilbert, smiling to him.
"When did you get here?" He inquired.
"Like a while ago. They didn't want me to go out alone to find you guys, so this kiddo here agreed to go out to help."
Feliciano beamed, taking his sweet time as he went to the kitchen to help Lovino cook. He made a brief glance at Ludwig and winked.
Ludwig swallowed.
"Hey West! C'mon and sit down! All that walking around has made me hungry!"
Ludwig did so, only just to rest his legs. Indeed, he was tired. But not very hungry, as he had eaten his fill at Francis's; unlike his brother who seemed to have a bottomless stomach regardless of how much he ate.
Antonio then began a lively conversation that Ludwig took no mind too. The aroma of food began to drift into the air, filling into the small room with a strong smell of tomatoes and cheeses. Probably pasta.
Ludwig took a moment, looking around again. The wooden floor underneath them was spotless and well maintained, along with clean windows surrounding them. He still felt unsettled with the mountains of crosses on the walls. Heavily religious, perhaps. But even Gilbert and Antonio hadn't overdone the décor like this.
"Brother?" Ludwig said to him, interrupting the albino's gracious tale. "…do Catholics always have so many crosses in their homes?"
Gilbert blinked, honestly confused by the question. "…what do you mean?"
"What do you mean 'what do you mean'? I'm talking about all of the ones throughout this house!"
Antonio furrowed his eyebrows, also not understanding. "Crosses? What crosses?"
Ludwig felt his heartbeat rise. Did they not see them…?
What was going on?
Feliciano returned into the room with a few plates of pasta for them. He set them down, smiling warmly at them as he began to take his own seat.
"I hope you guys like it~ It's our specialty!"
Lovino came in just after, sleeves still pulled back as he carried his own plate. He stood, as there were no more seats to sit down on.
"And if you don't like it, suck it up. Because I'm not going to make you a new dish."
Gilbert grinned, turning his gaze to the one standing. "Thanks."
"Let's fucking eat already. But we need to give thanks first."
Almost immediately, both Italians began to make the sign of the cross, with Gilbert and Antonio following suit. Ludwig just bowed his head, trying his best not to look like he stood out.
"We thank you, lord, for the food that has been given to us and to the guests that have decided to come and stay the night. We pray for the wellness of our health and for continued blessings throughout our life."
The prayer began, and Ludwig lifted his head briefly. Lovino and Feliciano had their eyes closed, serious with they way they spoke. It was almost spooky that the two could say it in unction. But the prayer lasted almost a full on five minutes before the conclusion.
"Amen."
The four of them lifted their heads, already beginning to dig in. Ludwig ate modestly, but left a good portion of his plate uneaten. Francis had already forced him to eat a whole plate of his own style of paella and his stomach was still trying to digest the rest of the seafood.
The current dish did taste very good, however.
After everyone had ate their fill, Feli stood.
"There are some spare rooms for you all to stay the night!"
"Aww…you don't have to do that, you know."
"But we insist!"
"Hmph. More like you insist."
"Ahh? Lovi, that's so mean…At least tell them you enjoyed their company!"
The bouncy Italian turned to them. "You don't have to stay another night if you don't want to! I mean…"
Ludwig straightened. Gilbert smiled before he could answer. "Hey. C'mon now. You guys have been real hospitable. Honest. We're real sorry about having to interrupt everything. Once morning comes, we'll pay you back for everything!"
"Si!" Antonio chimed in, further trying to avoid Ludwig from interrupting at the wrong moment. "We'll be in your debt!"
The twins looked at each other, seeming to agree on the option that Gilbert had suggested. Lovino sighed as Feli squealed in delight.
"Yay~! Alright! Let me show you to the bedrooms! Follow me!"
The auburn Italian began to lead the way to the backrooms, past the living room. Ludwig still saw the crosses, and he didn't like the isolated feeling he had in his heart upon being the only one who knew these were here.
He felt the eyes of Lovino staring right on him in particular, but when he turned to look, he seemed to still be cleaning the table.
There was only one room, and it was rather small to fit three people. It wasn't unfamiliar territory to any of them, anyway. Ludwig was relieved to find the room contained only one cross visible right on top of the door. Inside was a bed big enough to fit two of them with a couch that could hold the third. Gilbert eagerly took the spot on the bed, humming.
"West~ Come sleep with your big bro!"
Ludwig took willing seat on the couch, looking rather unimpressed by his brother's display of affection.
"Aww come on! Why do you have to be so stingy…?"
Antonio and Feliciano seemed to laugh at their show, with Antonio instead taking the offer to sit on the bed while Feliciano seemed content to sit next to Ludwig.
"You all are a really lively bunch!" he commented cheerfully. Ludwig shrugged.
"If you call Gilbert's childishness entertaining…then yes."
"Shut up. You love me on the inside. I know you do."
Feliciano giggled at that.
"Well…I guess it's kind of the same with my brother too. We haven't gotten along for a while about a lot of things. But we stick together all the time through a lot. He puts up a lot with me, so…"
"But you're so sweet!" Antonio protested. "And your brother must be just as kind, if not the type to express it differently!"
Feliciano smiled. "Ve, I'm glad you said that! Fratello hasn't ever gotten much praise, you know. He's a bit stiff, but he's very nice to be around!"
Ludwig heard the flex in his tone. He seemed a little bit excited about their sudden interest in Lovino.
He looked at his watch, noticing that it was already midnight.
"We need to sleep," Ludwig interrupted their conversation. "I don't want to impose on you both any longer than we already are."
Feliciano tilted his head. "Imposing? Oh no, you're doing the opposite of that! As I said, we don't have many visitors."
"You don't?" Gilbert already situated himself sideways with the blankets pulled up. He looked comfy. "We have a friend just a little farther up the main road from here. You should call him down! I can give you his phone number!"
"Oh really?" The Italian beamed. "That would be fantastic! I'd love to make some new friends!"
"Yup!" Antonio was sitting up and resting his back on the headrest. "Or we can visit you time to time if you'd like! We're friends now too!"
"Oh grazie!" Feliciano looked ecstatic. "Thank you thank you! I'll be sure to think of good recipes next time you do!"
Ludwig cleared his throat.
"Well…let's talk about this next meeting some other time. We need to be up early so we can get to our car."
"Yeah, yeah. Sheesh." Gilbert waved a hand. "Sorry about this guy. He's a total dictator sometimes."
"I am not."
Feliciano giggled. "Well…despite that, I would be looking forward to seeing you as well, Luddy."
"Pff! "Luddy"? What the hell kind of cute nickname is that?"
"Si! You're almost like little lovers!"
Ludwig turned scarlet. "H-He's not…!"
Feliciano laughed again. This time, he kissed the back of Ludwig's hand.
"Goodnight, Luddy."
He then took the chance to retreat to the door and close it.
Gilbert let out a long whistle.
"Damn. You took a cute one. I wanted to be the one to score first dibs."
"S-Shut up."
Antonio chimed in. "Yes. I agree. Except I really like his brother. A little bit tougher to get but just my type!"
"That asshole? Are you serious?"
Ludwig just took the blanket that was available on the couch and pulled it over his shoulders. Love wasn't something he ever really thought about since grade school. He remembered an old encounter with a young girl his age. Her personality was a lot similar to Feli's in a way. Was that the type he liked?
Ludwig just shut his eyes and let sleep kick in. Best not dwell on it any longer. Overthinking only gets so far.
Posted February 18, 2016
The title of the entire work is based upon the old eBay image that circulated around in 2000. I know there's a story associated with it, but I just took it off of the artist's original depiction of that picture :)
Also to other readers who also look at my AO3 account:
I'm uncertain about posting the second chapter to this story online to fanfiction. I'll decide if I'll want to put it on, but check out my AO3 account instead since it will be updated there first. In the event that this might not go on, continue reading there. Thanks! :D