Author comment: Hey everyone! This is NytRngrFan. Just wanted to say thanks for reading.
Disclaimer: All characters, storylines, etc… belong to Mr. Lucas. The song "The Reason" belongs to Hoobastank. And the word "maverick" belongs, first to Merriam-Webster, and then to any writer who has ever written anything involving Qui-Gon Jinn, because we all know that you've described him as such at least once. (PS: I wish Obi-Wan Kenobi belonged to me.)
Perfect. The Perfect Jedi. It's what I hear as I slowly stride through the temples. They may not say it, but their thoughts reverberate in my head. I am Qui-Gon Jinn, the tall, venerable Jedi, the best fighter in all the Order, the diplomat, the maverick, the one that never makes mistakes. The Perfect Jedi. They are all blind. Everyone makes mistakes, even the powerful, infamous Master Jinn. And I have made the biggest mistake of all.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Obi-Wan. He is the most important person to me and I hurt him. I have put him through emotional hell for months, forcing him to suffer rejection after rejection from me. I have never let him know how much he means to me, how much I love to watch him accomplish difficult feats and learn and grow. How much his smile can warm my heart. He is my reason to live, to keep surviving, even when my heart begs me to just give up.
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I have been cold and uncaring and distant. I have been a bad master. I have denied him even the minimum care and praise, greeting every accomplishment with cold criticism, every mistake with great rejection. And all because I am afraid. Yes, the infamous Master Jinn is afraid. I am afraid to be hurt again, to be betrayed. So terrified that I have distanced myself from the one person I know in my heart would never do it. And it has torn him apart. I saw it and denied it, refused to care. He used to be a lively, energetic boy, bright blue eyes shining with hope and curiosity. And now, all I see in his eyes is pain and hurt and a terrible uncertainty in himself and all that he does. More than anything, I wish to erase the past few months, to go back and do it all over again. I want to be the master I should have been, the one to take away his pain, not cause it.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
We can't go on like this. I cannot keep doing this to him. I need to tell him, need to show him how much I care, how much he means to me, how much I… love him. I hope that it is not too late. Tonight… it was the first time that he ever voiced his feelings. He yelled at me, told me how poorly I've been treating him, how I've caused him to become uncertain and severely lacking in confidence. He told me how much I have hurt him with everything I have said, every icy word and dismissal and lack of any praise. He screamed, with tears rolling down his cheeks, how I should never have taken him as my apprentice if he was such a disappointment. And then he left. I just want one more chance to see him, to speak to him, to tell him that he has put the light back in my life, that he has never been a disappointment.
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You
I want to start over. I want to show him what a master should truly be like. I want to tell him all of these things. And suddenly, I feel his presence as he approaches our quarters. He enters, shoulders hunched sadly, his eyes cast downward. This is my fault; I have done this to you. He makes for his quarters without a word.
"Obi-Wan!" I call. He stops and turns slowly, his eyes meeting mine reluctantly. I sigh, wondering where to begin. But then, the words come to me, and I say what is in my heart…
"I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you…
I've found out a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you".
Finally, I have said the right thing. The Perfect Jedi? Not really. But it is a start.