I Never Meant To

by brokenmoonlight

He can't take it anymore. It has to end.

A/N: This little one-shot came to me yesterday and demanded to be written. It's set straight after the last episode of series three, 'The Chokes'.

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Although, I now have the particularly nice image of Julian dancing to 'Super Freak' embedded in my brain.

xxxx

I did that.

Me.

I made him look like that. Like I'd just ripped his soul out and flung it in with the rubbish. Like I'd removed his heart and stamped on it, and then replaced it, all torn and tattered. Like I'd ended his whole world.

Like I'd killed him.

I've had looks from him similar to that before, but this one was... And I did that. The moment I saw it, my heart, hidden under the many layers of my mask, broke. It tore itself in two and plunged down into the bottom of my stomach and made me feel like I was going to throw up.

I still feel like that now. I know I always will.

How could I do that to him? How did I let it get this bad? How could I, even after all that, still pretend that I didn't care? How could I just laugh and turn away?

I've ruined him.

It's all my fault.

I missed him so much when he was away. To think that he might not come back was pain like I'd never known. But he did. He'd been let down and he came back. Back to me, watching his advert and laughing in his face.

When will I learn?

Tears are dripping down my perfectly made up face, bitter salt water trickling into my mouth and getting caught on my tongue. I'm sobbing and shaking and gasping for breath, my fingers turning white as they clutch at the edge of the bed. He'll come up soon, so I'll have to pull myself together. I can't let him see me like this.

But the tears keep pouring.

They won't stop.

It's no less than I deserve. And what I deserve is far, far worse. I don't deserve Howard, that's for sure. I never told him because I was frightened of him walking away, and I couldn't have coped with that. Better to have your friend and live with an unrequited love, than not have him at all, right? Howard's not like that, you see. He likes women, not that he ever has any luck with them. Thing is, I started to resent it so much that I began to push him away. I never meant too, but I couldn't live with it anymore. I started punishing him for something he didn't even realise, for something that wasn't even his fault. For a very brief moment, after I kissed him on the roof and he went all gaga, I honestly thought that maybe I'd been wrong about him after all, but it was all so sudden, and I was so panicked, that all I could do was deny I felt anything back, and by the time I realised, it was too late. But then, that just showed what I always knew – he could never love me in the same way I love him.

But now I'm pretty sure I've made him hate me, so I suppose, in order to save me from myself, I should tell him. I've lost him anyway, so does it really matter anymore? I'd rather lose him with him knowing that I'm in love with him, than thinking I'm just a heartless bitch. At least then he'll know that I never meant to do all those things; that I never meant to hurt him.

I wonder, constantly, would it would be like to have him in my arms; to feel his warm breath across my cheek and his strong hands caressing my back as he holds me. To hear him tell me he loves me, that I'm his everything. To be able to curl up next to him and watch him sleep, to...

I can't do this anymore. I have to end it.

Now.

There's a noise outside the door, and it makes me jump. The thing is, I usually listen out for him, so he never hears me crying, so I can shout out that I'm getting changed or something and he doesn't come in. But, I've been sobbing so loudly this time that I missed it, and I know he's heard me. I'm usually so careful, but now I just don't care. A gentle knock against the wood, and I feel like I'm about to pass out.

"Vince?"

I sob even harder. How can he still care? How can he sound so worried? After all I've done, why does he even bother? I know he's waiting for an answer, too nervous to just walk in in case he gets yelled at. That makes me sob even louder, and, to my surprise, the door opens, and then he's there, standing awkwardly in the doorway, his face full of concern. The urge to be sick gets even worse.

Why can't he just shout at me?

I can't look at him anymore, so I bury my face in my hands, sniffing and trembling and choking on my own breath. Then the bed dips, and he's sitting next to me. I nearly jump up and hit the ceiling when I feel his hands on mine, pulling them away from my face. I try to resist, but I'm just too tired. He holds them together in one hand, and places his free arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him. I bury my face against his chest, practically howling as I breathe him in. This isn't fair, he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't care.

"What's wrong, little man?"

I don't deserve this. He shouldn't be wasting his kindness on me.

I try to stand, by my legs have turned to jelly and I end up just sort of falling sideways on the bed. Howard pulls me upright and holds me tighter, looking at me expectantly, but he also looks a little afraid. I don't blame him.

I can't talk. My throat feels constricted and my mouth tastes bitter. All the remaining strength I have is used to force me away from him. I clutch onto the edge of the dresser as I stand, wobbling away from him until I come to a stop in front of the full-length mirror.

He doesn't know what to do. I can see, from his reflection in the mirror, that he's torn. He's looking at me warily, with no clue what to do. There was a time when he wouldn't hesitate to pull me back, when he'd hug me and soothe me and not let me go until I'd told him what was wrong. I miss the past so much. I miss the zoo and everything that came before it. I miss the way we were. Studying my reflection, I even miss the way I used to look. When did my dirty blond hair turn as black as death? When did my blue eyes turn to ice? When did I become so thin?

I reach over to the dresser and grab a face wipe. Howard is now alternating between staring at his hands and looking at the door. He doesn't know what to do. He looks sad and confused.

I did that to him.

I drag the wipe over my face, scrubbing at it until every last trace of make-up has gone, and I'm bare and exposed, the real me shining through. Well, not shining. The real me just looks tired. Younger, but tired, with wet, red eyes and blotchy cheeks. I've managed to calm myself slightly now, and I turn back to Howard, who looks back at me, something in his eyes which I can't quite read.

"There you are," he says, softly, and I let out the breath I didn't even realise I was holding.

"Howard..." my voice sounds strangled and hoarse, not like me at all. I feel so exposed now, but I need him to see it. I need him to see me. "I..."

Oh, God. This is it.

"I..."

The end of everything.

Howard's frowning at me, but not in a horrible way. Worry mixed with exhaustion.

I try to give him a weak smile, but I crack again and press my face into my hands, trying to stop my breath from catching in my throat.

"Vince?"

I try again. I wipe my eyes and let out a shaky breath. Then I take a deep one to steady myself.

"I..."

I sigh in frustration. Why can't I do this? I haven't got anything to lose, not now. Oh, God. Howard's standing. I step back.

"I'm in love with you!" I blurt out. I hold my breath, and the air is thick and heavy, weighing me down. I can't look at Howard, can't bear to see the look of disgust on his face. I lean back against the wall before my legs give out, sniffing harshly. I don't bother wiping my face now. What's the point? I close my eyes, and don't open them again until the touch of a hand to my cheek startles me. Howard's right in front of me, and, to my amazement, he doesn't look mad, just shocked and... and like he's going to cry.

What?

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I never meant to hurt you. I just... It started ages ago, and I knew you'd never... So, I became this complete twat, and then it was too late, and... and..."

Howard's hand falls from my cheek as I slide to the floor, sobbing. I still can't quite believe how I single handily managed to ruin both our lives. As far as I can remember, my parents weren't very nice people, so maybe my nastiness is inherited. It's in my blood. I'm so ashamed.

I still don't understand why Howard isn't shouting at me; or maybe he is, and I'm crying too loudly to hear it. I must look pathetic, but I don't care. Nothing matters anymore.

The floor creaks, and I look up and focus just enough to see Howard kneeling down opposite me, so many emotions on his face that he looks like he's about to explode. He's struggling with something, and every minute longer he is in this room with me it twists the knife in my gut further.

"Did you really mean that?" Howard asks, softly, and the tone of his voice gives me the courage to meet his gaze.

"Yes."

"You're in love with me?" His voice is shaky, and slightly breathless.

I nod. "Yes," I repeat, my voice cracked and strained.

I don't understand what's going on. Why's he still here?

He leans forward, his hand extending out towards me, and I close my eyes, preparing myself for the pain. But it doesn't come. Instead, it's resting against my cheek again.

"Vince."

I open my eyes again and look at him. I'm trembling violently against his hand, trying to work out what's going on.

Howard licks his lips self-consciously. "Stand up," he whispers.

I do so, with his help, sliding back up the wall, his hands wrapped round the tops of my arms. When I'm upright, he moves right in close to me, face centimetres from mine. My chest heaves, and Howard cups my face, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. Then, before I even know what's happening, his mouth is on mine, a gentle kiss being pressed to my lips, and it's like an explosion. My head's spinning. Surely he can't feel the same way? Surely this isn't really happening?

My eyes close again, and I manage to kiss back for just a second before I sob painfully into his mouth and completely break down again. I can't keep control of the kiss and it breaks.

It's a dream. I must be dreaming. I must be.

Howard pulls me into a fierce hug, his arms wrapping tightly around me.

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay. It's okay."

I can't breathe. I lay my hands flat against his chest and gasp and cough, my head buried under his chin. His hands are rubbing circles over my back, soothing me and calming me.

"I-I don't understand."

Howard kisses the top of my head, strokes my hair, and then moves to look down at me. "Oh, Vince. You honestly thought I'd leave, didn't you? That if you told me, I'd..." he trails off, his voice getting caught in his throat. He shakes his head. "Never. I-I've loved you for the longest time. I could never leave you. Even if you'd been acting the way you were because you really meant it, I still wouldn't go."

That admission hits me in the chest like a bullet.

"W-why?" I stutter, genuinely shocked as to why he would willingly put up with that for the rest of his life.

He looks down at his feet, embarrassed. "It makes me weak, loving you. Unless you left me first, I'd never be able to let go. I don't have anyone else. I'd rather put up with that than spend the rest of my life alone."

God, what have I done to him?

"I'm so sorry, Howard. I'm so sorry for making you feel that way. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you. I'm... I'm..."

Howard holds me close again. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"It does!"

"No, it doesn't. Vince, look at me."

He tucks his fingers under my chin and tilts my head up.

"This all stops, now, okay? Every awful thing that's happened, everything we've said and done to each other, it all ends here. We'll start again, yeah?"

"Really?"

Howard smiles gently at me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Really."

I give him a wobbly smile back, the weight that's been dragging me down for so long, lifting. I feel delirious.

"Are you real?"

Howard laughs, softly. I put a hand up to his face and brush my thumb against the corner of his eye. It knocks a precariously placed tear over the rim, and it runs down his cheek and drips onto my shirt. Then he bends his head and his lips are on mine again. I kiss him back eagerly, finally getting what I've wanted my entire life, cos really, my life only started when I met Howard. His mouth is soft and inviting, and when his tongue slides against mine, it makes me shiver with pleasure. He tastes warm and sweet, and faintly of peppermint.

Howard pushes me against the wall, not hard or anything, just passionately, one arm round my waist and the other cupping my face

I tangle my hands in his hair and moan softly into his mouth. It's just like I imagined, only better. I knew he'd be good. He was startled, that time on the roof, but he seems to remember what I did, because he's doing it right now, only it's deeper this time, but that's hardly surprising since there's two of us doing the kissing now.

Then, Howard slowly pulls away.

"You're trembling."

"I'm dreaming."

He smiles, and it lights up his eyes. "You're not."

Howard takes my hand and leads me over to the bed, pulling me down with him as he sits. He lifts his legs onto the mattress and pushes himself back against the headboard, then opens his arms for me.

I snuggle into them, my arm resting over his broad chest, and look up, hoping that he'll kiss me again. He does, willingly, and it makes me feel weak, so much so that I'm glad I'm not standing anymore.

We lie there for ages cuddled up together, talking quietly and stealing sweet kisses.

"I love you," I say, after we've been silent for a little while, just enjoying being with each other.

Howard shifts down the bed so that we're eye to eye and runs his fingers through my hair. "I love you, too, little man."

I lean into his touch. "Always?"

"Forever."

I smile. That's all I ever wanted.