Further
By: ZekksGoddess
Disclaimer: In no way do I own Star Wars, that's George's job. And I'm not making money off of this or anything, so please…don't sue.
Timeframe: The Joiner King
Summary: Time is running short. The change is almost complete: Jaina Solo and Zekk are almost Joiners. In the last moments he has in a mind of his own, Zekk muses on lost love.
Characters: Zekk, Jaina Solo, Jagged Fel
Keywords: never, closer, further
Genre: angst, vignette
Pairings: J/J/Z
A/N: Yes, this vig contains spoilers for The Joiner King. If you're trying to stay spoiler-free until you read the book…you've been warned.
"I've lost although you're near me,
And your body's still this kind,
I've lost you on a journey,
But I can't remember where or when." -Elvis Presley
There's not much time left. Soon, this miniscule part of my mind that is still my own will be gone. Soon, I will fully become a Joiner, and so will Jaina.
But for now, I cling to my refuge, this small haven within the most secret depths my mind. The only part of me left, ironically, that is still me.
My eyes flick over to the bed next to mine for a moment. Jaina lays there, her chest rising and falling slowly, in a rhythmic motion. The room is silent but for her breathing. My gaze flutters to her face, beautiful even in sleep.
Briefly, I wonder what she dreams of.
I know I could easily use the Force, or even the hive mind to find out…for the dream would become my own as well. But if I were to do so, I would need to leave my little haven. I would need to open myself to the hive mind, and this last remnant of Zekk's mind would be easily swept away before I could return. I want to enjoy the last vestiges of myself before I am fully a Joiner.
Besides, I'm not all that sure I want to know what she dreams of. Aside from being extremely disturbing, it could ruin these last moments I have as myself. As Zekk.
In truth, I dread becoming a Joiner. That's one secret I hold here, in this small part of me that's left. I dread it…because of Jaina.
We share every thought, every feeling, and every last memory. It's like torture. I've felt her feelings for Jag, and at one point, even shared them, an experience I'd rather not repeat.
I had hopes, once, at the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war that she had told Fel goodbye because she didn't love him. I'd even fantasized that maybe, just maybe, she would come back to me, and realize that I had been there and loved her all along. That maybe, she would realize she loved me too.
But now I know. She still loves him. And it's tearing this last part of me to pieces.
I have every memory of the two. Jaina and Fel pulled together in an empty closet on a military base, sneaking a kiss in her quarters before parting…there are more, but I can't let myself think about them. It's like thrusting a lightsaber through my own heart.
I know every emotion Jaina has felt for him. Every emotion she still feels for him. And I know that all my hopes and fantasies from the past years of my life have been for nothing.
She knows that I love her, that I've always loved her, and probably that I always will…how could she not know with our minds so completely blended? She can easily touch on everything I've ever felt for her, every dream I've ever had of her, every time I've ever thought of her.
But she loves Jagged Fel. Still.
I'm closer to Jaina than ever, closer than anyone- even Jacen- could ever dream of being to her. And yet, ironically, I still stand on the sidelines. I'm still the one who watches from the outside as she loves someone else.
After everything we've been through together, she still prefers him.
I guess I'll never know what happened. I do know that once upon a time in the jungles of Yavin IV she loved me back. And I'll never forget how good it felt. Even after she pushed me away, even after her love was slowly torn away from me in a long, aching process, I never once stopped loving her. No matter the pain she caused me, I never once stopped loving her. Even as the war changed her from a girl to a young woman, I never once stopped loving her. I never once forgot.
And now, now I will never understand.
I'll never understand why she distanced herself from me. I'll never understand why she suddenly refused to let me in. Why she blocked herself from me within the Force. I'll never understand why she turned to Jagged Fel. Or why she loves him…
Even when the change is complete, and we are Joiners, I won't understand. Because I don't think she does, either.
She just loves Fel, simple as that.
I can feel the mental walls slowly start to close in on me. I can feel the last, slim portion that is still Zekk slowly diminishing. But I cling to it as tightly as I can, holding desperately to the final shreds of myself.
I don't want this closeness with Jaina. I don't want to feel what she feels for Fel. I don't want to remember her memories of Fel. I don't think I can do it. Surely, it will destroy me.
It strikes me now, the irony of it. Oh, the damned irony!
It's only a matter of time before Jaina and I are Joiners. Soon, we will be closer than anyone has ever been before. We will be so joined, so connected that there will be no distinguishing our thoughts and feelings from one another's. And I feel, that if there is ever a way to reverse this Joiner process, to return Jaina and I to who we once were, this absolute closeness will be the final knife driven into Jaina and mine's already shaky relationship. That it will really be over.
It really is ironic. We're about to share a closeness that even our Force bond could never give us. And yet, we could never have been further apart.