Addicted

by black-rose-among-the-white

I knew, like I always knew, that I would never let him go. I would go back day after day to have him reject me again and again. Just to hear him say my name. Why you ask? Because I’m addicted.

I know a lot of you wanted me to continue with my other one shots, and I really did try but that's not what I do. I just can't seem to keep it going to a point that satisfies me. Maybe if I find a song that inspires me to write more chapters I will but I think I'm just going to try and come up with no ones. So this is my new one! It's a little darker and kind of emotional. The characters are totally changed around. There is no way anyone in this story would act the way that they did but that's why its fiction. So enjoy!

Here goes another day. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just scared. I get pulled out of my thoughts by a knock at the door. Swiftly I get out of bed and walk to the mirror, making sure all of the bruises are covered. They are. Cautiously I open the door. After seeing who it is, I breathe a sigh of relief and open the door all the way, letting Mandy walk into my apartment. She sits down on my couch and waits for me to come over and sit down. I sit down silently and wait for her to speak.

"Miley," she starts, "this needs to stop. You can't keep letting him do this to you."

I really didn't want to talk about this now, or ever. "Mandy, I have this under control!" I say stiffly with my eyes shut. Wringing my hands in my lap.

This isn't the first time Mandy has confronted me about this. So, she quickly becomes angry.

"Miley you don't have this under control! Just look at yourself in the mirror! You need help, he needs to stop! You need to walk away, find help, scream, SOMETHING!" She quickly breathes out and slumps over, defeated. She knows, nothing is going to change.

As she walks over to the door to leave, with tears in her eyes I whisper something so maybe she will finally understand, "I'm addicted Mandy. I can't stop." She shakes her head and opens the door leaving me alone once again.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time



As soon as Mandy leaves I get up and start pacing. I know that I need to stop, but like I said, I'm addicted. I need to have him in my life, even if he acts the way he does. I love him, and that's all that matters.

"That's all that matters," I whisper to myself. Suddenly I am a little happier. My mind see's my love as what he used to be, the caring, loving boy that I have grown up with. I need to see him, now. So I grab my brown coat and throw it on over my grey sweats and pink long sleeve shirt. I love him! I just wanted to be near him. A smile on my face I run down the stairs of my apartment building and out into the streets. I head towards the corner and grab a cab. Shivering, I slide into the cab and give him the address. I'm on my way, just a little bit longer and I get to see him.

My hands are still shaking, but not from the cold. I jump in my seat as the cab pulls to a stop. Running from the cab I climb the steps two by two and knock frantically on the door. He answers and there he stood in a robe, my boyfriend of 4 years, Nick Jonas.

"Hey baby," I greet breathlessly, "I missed you!"

I reach out to hug him but he puts a hand on my shoulder to push me back. I'm confused, he has never acted like this before. I stumble backwards and wait for him to explain.

He leans against the door as if he doesn't have a care and replies, "Miley. It's been fun. But I just don't see this going anywhere. I've moved on, it was a good run. See you soon okay?" And with that he shut the door and left me there.

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

What was going on? I struggled to breathe, I couldn't get the air into my lungs. I backed up and almost fell down the stairs. Hunching over grabbing onto the railing like it was giving me life; I started to suck air into my lungs. My eyes started blacking out and for a second I thought I was dying. I clenched my eyes shut as reality set in on me. He broke up with me. I didn't know what to do, I needed to know why? Why wasn't I good enough? Maybe … maybe I didn't act right, I could change that! I could change me, for him. What did I need to do to get him to see that I want him, need him.



In the heat of the moment, I stumble up and knock on the door again. I can hear him growl from inside the door, he answers his eyes flashing angry; "What do you want Miley? It's over!"

Another piece of me died right then, stuttering I asked, "W-w-hh-yy?"

"Miley, It just wasn't working ou-" he starts.

Interrupting I say, "But, I can change. If you need me to talk less… or or dress better. I can change baby but I need you."

"Miley" He tries to say but I keep talking and blubbering on.

"Miley!" He tries again, but still I keep saying I can change, I need you, I can't live without you until he yells one thing that made me stop dead.

"THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE!!" He finally roars, and I died. Right then, I wasn't good enough but someone else was.

"who?" I whisper.

"It doesn't matter, just leave okay?" Again, he slams the door and I'm left alone, not knowing what to do.

Numbly I walk home, enjoying the pain that is overcoming my body from the mind numbing cold of December in New York. Somehow I end up in my apartment, sitting in the shower fully clothed just letting the cold come over me.

I sat there until the water turned cold. My mind churning over today's events. I tried so hard to find where I had gone wrong. I honestly didn't know what to do. Again, it seems like these days I never know what to do. Why am I such a failure? I need him to live, without him I can't even think, because he thinks for me. Everything I do I do because that's what he wants me to do, or say the things I know he wants to hear. The water splashed some sense into me as my mind went into a whirlwind of emotions. Needing it all to stop I shut off the water and get out, water pouring onto the tile floor from my soaked clothes. I hunch over the sink gripping the edge of the counter until my knuckles turned white. I look into the mirror and I swear I see Nick standing behind me. I shut my eyes and open them again realizing it was just a dream, he isn't there.

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now



Waking up the next morning, I honestly have myself convinced that it is all a dream and that I will call Nick and ask him when to come over and make him lunch. Starting my morning the way I always do I check myself in the mirror to make sure all of the bruises that permanently cover my body are hidden. It's only because he loves me, I tell myself. Over and over again until I actually believe it.

This morning I did something a little different though, because in the back of my mind as I look at my fully covered body, something makes me want to see them, all of them. So I strip down to my under ware in a mad rush. Throwing my clothes over my head, breathing heavily I stare at them. The black and blue swirls covering my entire body. A particularly nasty one on my stomach and hips. As I stare at them, his words come tumbling back to me. There is somebody else. It then hits me, I need to move on. And with a determination that I haven't had in a while, I decide I'm going to.

Three days later and I'm in my bed curled up in a ball. Three words leave my mouth again and again in a hushed whisper, "I need him, I need him, I need him."

I tried, I really did.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

I need to see him, I need him to hold me. So with all the energy I have left I run to his apartment. Out of breath I knock on the door. He answers and doesn't look happy to see me, so before he can start I do,

"I know you said it was over but I need you. I'm hooked. I can't eat, sleep, think. I just need you. Please just hold me again and tell me you love me. I'll do anything. Please." By now I'm weeping, tears rolling down my cheeks as he stares hard and cold at me. Then he did something he has never done before. He slapped me.

It was as if time stopped. I turn my head back towards him, he never hit me where it would show.

"Look at yourself. You're disgusting. Get the hell out of here and never come back, okay? Got that or do I need to show you again?" he says as he raises his fist again.

I cower away from him. His words playing in my mind. I'm disgusting. I'm disgusting. He doesn't want me. It's over. …. It's over….. It's really over.

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I knew, like I always knew, that I would never let him go. I would go back day after day to have him reject me again and again. Just to hear him say my name. Why you ask? Because I'm addicted.