Affliction
by: skyz
Disclaimer: I don't own HSM or these characters.
A/N: This is the sequel to Adagio my only other Kelpay fic. You don't really have to read that to understand this fic, but I suggest you read it just to get a feel for my Kelsi. Enjoy
2.
She couldn't say she understood it. There was really no need for it and damned if it didn't infuriate her to no end. It wasn't like she'd been looking for it or anything schmaltzy like that.
She had a set path. Her career was at stake here and this?
Fucking complicated everything.
Sharpay Evans blew out an aggravated breath and shook her head sharply as she jerked away from the reaching arm of her brother as he expertly applied her makeup. She stood abruptly from her chair and cleared her throat, turning away from her reflection.
She didn't want to see how fabulous she looked or how amazing her hair was styled or how beautiful her dress was.
Another new thing. Her mind for once was not consumed with herself, but on something else entirely. Someone else entirely.
"Bad day?" Ryan asked dryly. He had settled into his smugness and slight independence over the years and even though she'd never admit it, it suited him. It added to his allure, he actually had allure now, which amazed her sometimes. He was still on the smallish side, his blond hair the same length as high school, but he had a new confidence and could now be quite self-absorbed.
She'd taught him well.
"Do I look like I--?" Sharpay choked on the words, inhaling sharply. It was impossible she tried to tell herself. She'd been trying to tell herself this for what felt like years, but it had really only been months, long months at that.
"Shar?" Ryan asked looking concerned as she glanced at him.
Sharpay waved him away and turned her back to him with a swift muttered curse.
"I am-- This is awful. Awful. Do I look like a--"
"Are you having a panic attack?" Ryan asked nervously as he watched her, the look on his face fearful.
"No!" She told him sharply and then laughed long and loud. This went beyond panic or anxiety.
"Oh my God," Ryan exclaimed in horror. "I knew you'd lose your mind one day! I just didn't expect for it to be now, and with me in the room, remember Shar. I am your favorite brother and that you love me beyond any and everything."
Sharpay's near hysterical laughter cut off sharply as she whirled around to stare at Ryan desperately.
"Love? Love is ridiculous," Sharpay spat breathlessly. "It's inconvenient and messy, and so fucking painful that it shouldn't even be allowed to be called love. That lures you into a false sense of security and you think that things might be okay. That you could be happy with this person down the road. But they don't tell you the agony of it, the slow painful descent, because it's pure misery. They ought to call it in suffering with each other. You could be like, hey, look I really want you to suffer with me, what do say about that? That would warn people! It would warn them! People have to be warned about this, Ryan!"
She was babbling uncontrollably and she knew she must sound crazy and by the way Ryan was staring mouth gaping and eyes wide, she knew she'd scared him shitless. It didn't help that somehow she'd taken him by the shoulders and had been shaking him as she spoke.
Ryan slapped her.
It didn't hurt but the fact that he had the audacity to do it calmed her somewhat. For a smack it had been rather weak and she'd had better slaps, honestly.
"Stop it!" Ryan told her forcefully. "You've scared me, okay? Game over."
"This is no game. This is my life," Sharpay groaned resting her forehead against his shoulder. "I'll buy you a new shirt," she added, as she knew he was cringing inside about her getting makeup on his shirt.
Ryan murmured something low enough she couldn't understand and rubbed her back.
"What was that?"
"Nothing. What's this about your life? What is going on, Sharpay? You can tell me anything."
"Anything?" Sharpay glanced up her heart beginning to pound.
"Yes--"
There was a sudden and loud knock that startled them both. Sharpay stepped away from Ryan and turned her back to the door taking a deep breath.
"What?" Ryan called out.
"Are we ever leaving?" Ryan's boyfriend Jake called out. "You'll be late for your own wedding, Sharpay."
She could feel Ryan's eyes on her but she couldn't look at him yet.
"Give us a minute, sweetie. I'm sorry I slapped you, Shar."
Sharpay managed a small smile as she turned to face him.
"Don't pretend you haven't been waiting years to do that," Sharpay told him coolly.
"I won't answer that. Are you okay? This has been an overwhelming last few months, what with the musical, and finally planning the big day," Ryan said softly.
"I'm fine. That was-- It was a momentary lapse. I'm okay. I'm fabulous. Let's do this!"
Ryan was staring at her as if he'd never seen her before.
She couldn't blame him because she wasn't acting like herself at all. She was all nerves right now and he must have noticed the slight trembling of her body because he reached out and grasped both of her hands tightly.
"What is it?" Ryan demanded this time, face intense and so very concerned.
"Love," Sharpay muttered grimly and squeezed his hands hoping he'd leave it there.
She couldn't say anything else, didn't want to think anything else, but dammit this had been a burden rather than a blessing and it had been weighing her down for too long. He'd understand this more than anyone else but the words refused to form.
"The limo is downstairs," Ryan said not venturing further with his questions. "I will meet you with Jake. Is that okay?"
She couldn't help her surprise at that because all three of them were supposed to ride to the church together.
"Thank you," she told him more sincere than she'd been in a long time.
Ryan grinned his face lighting up.
"I'll tell you this once, because I know it'll go to your head, but I love you Sharpay. I'll do what I have to. And you do what you have to, okay?"
"Okay," she hugged him quickly and tightly before she turned for the door.
"Be happy," Ryan called after her and she knew then that he knew.
Be happy, she mused. That would be a novelty.
She reached the street having ignored Jake's curious stare as she'd rushed out. Her doorman opened the door for her as he congratulated her on her pending marriage, and she thanked him automatically before she dodged a path through the crowded sidewalk to her idling limo.
"Good afternoon, Sharpay," Frank her driver greeted her with a wide smile. "Exciting day isn't it?"
Sharpay nodded as she slipped in and Frank shut the door behind her.
Exciting day.
Sharpay rolled her eyes upset at herself and everyone else at the moment.
Frank pulled out into traffic and the soft strains of classical music floated from the speakers.
She listened the various instruments flowing together to create a beautiful score. She listened closely to it for a moment with her mind drifting as it had done for months. It seemed that whenever she had a free moment her mind wandered and not to the obvious subject of her wedding.
"Go to Tribeca," Sharpay found herself saying suddenly.
Frank's eyes flickered up to meet her's in the rear view mirror. He nodded once, smiled a little, and closed the partition between them. He'd been with her for years and he knew her moods and most importantly knew all her haunts so that she only had to tell him the neighborhood. He probably thought she'd forgotten something at her bachelorette party at Culture Club. Or that's what she hoped he thought, she only knew one person who lived there, a person he'd driven her to visit quite a few times. He knew exactly where she wanted to go.
Too bad this had nothing to do with a bachelorette party and everything to do with love.
Love.
It rankled.
Rattled her so deeply and thoroughly she'd been running from it since she'd been seventeen years old. Of course at the time she hadn't realized it was love, merely lust wrapped in affection.
She was well aware of what people considered her flaws, to her they were badges of honor, and she wore them proudly. Why should she change? She was perfect the way she was and to hell with anyone who thought differently.
She was inherently selfish and liked it that way. The world belonged to her and it revolved rightfully around her. She was achieving the success she had always wanted, the fame, the money had never been that important but it was nice, and she finally got a guy who fit her quite nicely. Her world was perfect.
Until she landed the lead in a new musical by an up and coming writer and directed by the wonderful Jason Moore. She was intrigued and thrilled when she was cast, because it was a challenging role. Made even more challenging when she turned up. As a producer and composer of the music for the play. A play she helped to write, Sharpay later found out.
Kelsi Nielsen.
And just like that her happy little world tilted on its axis and she had yet to right it. She had the stomach churning and dreaded feeling that she never would.
That was the problem with being in love with someone.
She hadn't seen Kelsi in a personal setting since they'd graduated from East High. It had been on amicable terms and it had also been more Kelsi's decision when she'd told Sharpay she'd been accepted to Berklee College of Music. Sharpay hadn't seen the problem, she liked what they had, and New York was not too far from Boston.
Kelsi had spoken excitedly and blithely. Already planning her life beyond Sharpay and that was when she realized Kelsi didn't want this--whatever it was--to continue into college.
Realized she'd been too late.
Too late in starting this thing between them in senior year instead of junior or sophomore year. Not that back then the thought would have occurred to her beyond a manipulative standpoint. She'd been too obsessed with Troy Bolton.
She felt something then as Kelsi had gone obliviously on and on. An odd painful something had shot through her, something that had immediately made her start talking about NYU and all of the fun and exciting things she was going to do. How she was going to rule Broadway and kick its ass.
They hadn't said it or even talked about it but on graduation they'd hugged, signed each other's yearbooks, and parted ways.
Kelsi had been her only lover.
It wasn't until years later that she realized that fact.
She didn't do love, she had sex, but she had never felt romantic love, for anyone.
She took to Manhattan like a native and didn't look back, or tried very hard not too. She found herself missing Kelsi and her odd quirky ways. The look Kelsi sometimes threw her of exasperation and affection, her smile, even her stupid glasses.
She missed her but would not lower her pride to contact Kelsi or surprise her with a visit. She wanted to do something like extend an olive branch or a present of rare sheet music from some obscure composer Sharpay had never heard of but had cost her an arm and a leg. She had these thoughts and made up wild and inventive plans in her mind. But that's where it all stayed, in her mind. The timing was never right, she was too busy, Ryan finally transferred from UCLA, and she told herself she never looked back, never. Not even for Kelsi.
But that had been then and when she saw Kelsi again after years of merely catching glimpses at parties as Kelsi ran in different circles than her, she was dismayed at her reaction. Complete and utter elation, of course she didn't know what to call it then. She didn't do elation and she didn't wait in anticipation for anyone but herself. She wasn't an emotional twit. She wasn't that person. She couldn't be that person.
Those months in high school had been pleasant but not enough to cause the reaction she had at the sight of Kelsi. Not that Kelsi had even changed that much, older, but still small and slight, different glasses, a little more sophisticated clothing, still that cute-pretty combo, yet still essentially the same.
Except for the almost smirk Kelsi gave her as Sharpay stood there gaping.
Things changed that day.
Kelsi worked closely with her in both her roles as producer and composer. They fell easily back into their old patterns, Sharpay sometimes reticent but more often overbearing, Kelsi leading her by the horns, it worked. They worked and it had shocked her oddly enough.
Sharpay was content enough relationship wise. She'd been dating Eric Montgomery for seven months and it was going smoothly, he was everything she could want in a man. He had his own money, his own career, and he gave her space, and he was fine with living on his own.
Work with Kelsi was professional and they both behaved like mere acquaintances because even if it wasn't technically true it had been years since they'd spoken.
Kelsi asked her out for a drink and Sharpay made the mistake of saying yes.
She had been fond of Kelsi after all.
A drink led to lunch and then brunch, and dinner into a nightcap, and so on and so forth. It was almost as if they were dating. Except that Sharpay had a boyfriend, now fiancé, and Kelsi had whomever she had.
Eric didn't mind who she spent time with, just as long as she gave him the same space he gave her, and when all three of them went out to dinner he was kind enough to ignore what was going on. He was perfect for her and she knew it and Kelsi...she was a distraction.
Her mind was a jumble of thoughts and instead of worrying about herself she seemed to constantly think about Kelsi. She considered that maybe she was using Kelsi; she liked that idea and tried to believe it. But looking into Kelsi's eyes, seeing her happy smile, she couldn't do it.
She tried very hard to put up her usual boundaries and it might have worked, as it had with Eric, except that Kelsi knew her, and wouldn't let her be as cold and mean as she wanted. And Kelsi didn't even have to try too hard for Sharpay to be pleasant and almost kind to her.
She couldn't ignore the stirring of her emotions while she was near Kelsi, hell even when she thought about Kelsi her emotions were always somehow engaged. She was always interested in what Kelsi had to say and Sharpay never cared what anyone had to say unless it was to praise her.
The musical opened to rave reviews--of course.
Sharpay was miserable.
Planning the wedding of her dreams and falling in love with someone else while doing so.
She felt conflicted and desperate and if anyone ever found out they'd know just how fucked up she really was. It was like high school all over again except she wasn't sure if Kelsi was doing it on purpose or if this was just her normal reaction to Kelsi now. She was nervous where she used to be calm, taut with tension where she'd once been more relaxed than she'd been in years. Everything about her had been brought to life, clichéd yes, but that's what it felt like. Like she'd just emerged from years of hibernation and was now finally outside living in a world full of life.
And in the back of her mind she could acknowledge that they were dating.
None of it made any sense.
It wasn't until her body was pressed against Kelsi's, her fingers on Kelsi's skin, the taste of Kelsi on her tongue, and the need to touch and taste overriding all her senses that she figured out that maybe she was in love. Had maybe always been in love with Kelsi since they'd had their thing back in senior year.
Kelsi never pressured her and never asked anything of her. Sharpay didn't understand it or Kelsi for the most part; only that she needed her, fiercely and endlessly. She didn't think she'd ever get used to the need that seemed to gnaw away at her for Kelsi. It was a weakness she didn't want or need but it remained.
What happened was an affair or so she told herself. She was getting married and Kelsi happened to be good in bed and she enjoyed being around her. Except her run on the musical had come to an end and so should have her association with Kelsi who didn't even live in New York, but nothing ended.
"I'm thinking of getting an apartment," Kelsi mentioned one day as they lounged in bed.
Sharpay glanced around the hotel room Kelsi had been occupying for months and could see that Kelsi had accumulated many things. Most of it Sharpay had given to her in misguided spurts of affection.
"Use my realtor," Sharpay suggested, going back to reading her script.
"Thanks," was all Kelsi said as she bent back over her sheet music.
Kelsi got the apartment and they kept on keeping on.
And here she was today in the back of a limo on her wedding day.
In love with someone other than her groom-to-be.
She didn't ask herself how she could love Kelsi, she knew how, but she did wonder why. Why now, why with someone who was her equal, why had it taken so long? Kelsi would not toe her lines and would push as she saw fit and Sharpay welcomed that. Sharpay shuddered even as she thought that.
Kelsi had the ability to see right through her.
The limo came to a slow stop and Sharpay glanced out the window her body suddenly feeling like lead, her head swam and she felt nauseous. She was trembling again and with a ragged breath she willed herself to calm down.
"I'm Sharpay Evans," she muttered, forcing a smile. "I am Sharpay Evans. I am simply fabulous."
Frank opened the door and she struggled out with Frank lending a hand.
"I'll go round the block a time or two," Frank told her kindly.
She nodded too focused to speak. She knew if she spoke then it would break the spell and she'd lose her nerve.
Luckily a couple was coming out of the apartment building so she didn't have to ring the buzzer. They stared at her but she ignored them and trudged up the stairs. Muttering curses and wondering how a building with so many stairs didn't have a working elevator.
She reached the floor she wanted and paused catching her breath at the door she needed. She lifted a hand glaring at how it shook ever so slightly. She curled it into a fist and banged on the door. Loud enough that the neighbors would probably start peeking through their peep holes or sticking their heads out doors. They probably thought it was the police. Kelsi had done a horrible job picking an apartment and would not listen to Sharpay about moving to a better place. Kelsi had actually told her to shut up about it and Sharpay had stopped coming over, they compromised by meeting at a near by hotel or at Sharpay's condo.
There was a clatter of noise as locks were disengaged and then the door swung open.
Kelsi stared at her with a mouth thinned to a grim line, eyes red, and her hair in disarray.
Sharpay felt her body thrum with pleasure at the sight of her. She knew it must be love because Kelsi looked awful and Sharpay was still very glad to see her, and not even the slightest bit appalled.
"Stop staring," Sharpay ordered and stepped forward.
Kelsi stepped back and back and then left the doorway all together.
Sharpay stepped into the apartment and shut the door.
"This place is a dump," she muttered keeping her eyes on Kelsi who after staring at her like an idiot was now avoiding her eyes as she wandered back to her couch.
"What do you want?"
"Now you ask me?" Sharpay asked, mildly irritated. "I don't want anything, Kels. I have many, many, many things, enough that I want for nothing. Ask me something else."
"I'm not going to play this game," Kelsi muttered with a glare Sharpay's way.
There she was, Sharpay thought grudgingly happy, her Kelsi.
"Good. Because it might have started as a game, but that phase passed years ago. We never broke up in high school. You know that right?"
"It was implied."
"You just assumed I wasn't interested," Sharpay dismissed that quickly. She wasn't sure what the hell she was doing or even what she was going to say.
"Don't bring that up. Not when you're standing here wearing your wedding dress on your wedding day! I don't even understand what you're doing here."
"I'd think it was obvious. You're the smart one," Sharpay told her huffily.
"I'm not smart. If I were I wouldn't have-- Well. Look at me! Does this look smart? Has anything I've been doing been smart? I'm not so smart, in fact I feel pretty dumb right now."
"Well your eyes are red and puffy. Your hair's a mess and you're wearing...I don't even know what. Like your heart's broken or something," Sharpay tried for lightness but her voice caught on the last word.
This was it.
Kelsi peered at her and Sharpay rolled her eyes.
"I'm so like suffering right now," she started, "in a way that's not on the pleasant side. Not at all. My fucking fiancé, this fucking dress, this fucking wedding! Why didn't you tell me I was in love with you? I mean it was obvious to me that you were in love with me, because I'm me, but why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you like to figure things out for yourself. And you wouldn't have believed me," Kelsi told her hoarsely as she sniffled a little and rubbed a weary hand across her eyes. Sharpay knew she was wiping away tears.
She felt a little bad that she'd made Kelsi cry.
"Well," Sharpay didn't know what to say to that. It was true and even if this was the worst possible time to figure things out at least she'd figured it out. She certainly hadn't planned on giving Kelsi up and it was only while she'd been thinking about when she'd be seeing Kelsi next that she had the thought that Kelsi wouldn't appreciate being her actual mistress. And that had led to more thinking. Concluding with her awful realization and almost break down with Ryan earlier.
"Well," Kelsi repeated dully as she paced a circle around the couch. Kelsi didn't look enthused and if she were a lesser person Sharpay would have been worried.
Okay, she was perhaps a tiny bit worried. She hadn't expected jubilation but she'd expected something better than this...almost defeated air surrounding Kelsi. Didn't this mean anything? That she'd shown up dressed up like she was and was willing to share this horrible suffering with Kelsi?
"First things first. You'll have to move in with me. I can't abide this place. It's horrid. And then I'll have to take you shopping and introduce you to all my friends, and my parents, and of course there's Ryan. You know him, but still. We'll get movers as soon as possible and have your mail forwarded, then we'll have to tell your parents and you can introduce me to all your friends. And of course you'll have to write me another musical, just for me, and we'll be the toast of the town. Not that we wouldn't be otherwise because I'm--"
It must have been her day for babbling because she couldn't shut up.
Kelsi kissed her.
Sharpay wrapped her arms around Kelsi and held her tight as she sank into the kiss. Let herself finally relax so the tension she'd been carrying for days eased away. The warm press of Kelsi against her was familiar, the softness of her lips, the slight hint of that vanilla perfume Kelsi favored, it was all so perfect that it should have made her teeth ache and her eyes roll in disgust.
But this was love and she was in love.
Sharpay blinked feeling almost dreamy as the kiss ended.
"I almost made a mistake," Sharpay whispered her forehead pressed against Kelsi's. "You were going to let me."
"I...I didn't think it would matter."
"You didn't think you mattered," Sharpay translated. "And I can see why. But you do matter. You matter to me and I...I need you and I've never needed anyone in my life."
The words she wanted to say seemed to be stuck in her throat.
Kelsi looked overwhelmed, her eyes tearful, and her lips were parted and looked so inviting Sharpay had to kiss her again and again until her hands were underneath Kelsi's t-shirt roaming across her smooth back and they'd tumbled onto the couch.
"I love you. I really do. I didn't think that--who knew it would feel like this?" Sharpay muttered between kisses against Kelsi's neck.
"If you say I complete you..." Kelsi said laughingly.
"Tom Cruise is so passé. Help me get out of this dress. God it's restricting."
"Let me get some scissors." Kelsi paused waiting for Sharpay to say something and when Sharpay merely stared back at her with an arched brow Kelsi's grin was beautiful. "Now I know it's love. That's a Vera Wang and it cost more than my college tuition." Kelsi got up still grinning down at Sharpay.
"I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you," Sharpay told her quietly.
Sharpay watched Kelsi swallow hard and nod, still looking stunned.
"I am a very lovable person," Sharpay said, her mind returning back to their high school years, to a conversation she'd thought about occasionally over the years. "To know me is to love me."
She smirked at Kelsi.
"I can't believe you remember that. I..."
Sharpay realized that maybe she wasn't the only one to have a problem saying those three words and really she didn't need to hear them right now, because she could see it clearly written all over Kelsi's face and in her eyes.
She could wait for it.
She spoke calmly and reassuringly.
"I remember a lot of things."
It wasn't until much later when day had fallen into night and Kelsi was sprawled sleeping beside her that she realized she hadn't called Frank or Ryan and that by the morning there would be a huge scandal, the papers had already been hinting at their affair for months. Eric would be upset, her parents would be disappointed and Eric's parents and on and on the list would go.
But looking over at Kelsi and thinking of what could have been she could care less about the scandal that would arise or the disappointment or the pain she might have caused Eric. Maybe she'd had to go through all that almost get to the altar, just so she could be right here.
And she was just selfish enough to believe that because she deserved Kelsi then none of the other stuff really mattered.
And maybe as Kelsi had once said she'd finally managed to settle into herself and if that was the case Sharpay couldn't think of a better person to have at her side as they conquered the world.