A/N: Lucy's dead. Toby doesn't exist. Please Review.
Disclaimer: Nothing but the plot belongs to me.
Borrowed Quotes
"Are you alright, love?" She'd always ask. Her voice breaking my chain of thoughts…always. Bleeding Christ, she wouldn't shut up. She didn't ask again, but embraced me. Her petite body squeezing mine. I do nothing, I say nothing.
'When I don't say anything, people always assume the worst.'
When he's done ranting on about whatever the hell she has to rant about, a customer comes in. He removes his hate and scarf casually without a word, obviously expecting a normal shave. Unfortunately, for him, this is the most abnormal shave he will ever receive. Fortunately, it will also be the last. I didn't' feel guilty after the killing. Inside, like the rest of us, he was never really living anyway.
'Every man dies, but no man really lives.'
She's been around my razors recently. She just has left hastily when she saw me coming down the street, because the blood on my razor is still warm. I finger it, letting the red drip into a small pool on the floor. I conclude that the only thing she could have done was cut herself. Why would she cut herself, I wonder. I look at the razor before placing it to my own wrist. I suppose for the same reason I cut myself. I wince at the sharp moment of pain, before watching the blood drip out of the cut creating a pool of blood next to hers.
'You bleed just to know you're alive.'
Night falls before I know it. The foggy mist has taken over the London air, preventing the moon from shining brightly like it would in most stories. My eyelids feel heavy, and my eyes just hurt. I close them, but as soon as I do, crazy visions flood my mind, and I open them again, welcoming the darkness of the barbershop. I can never sleep. Maybe I'm insomniac.
'I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.'
She sits in the barber chair, playing with one of my razors. I turn to face her, my eyes glaring at her. I know what she wants to do. I walk over there, and snatch he razor from her hand. She looks up at me, a mixed look of annoyed and angry, but she does not attempt to get the razor back. I don't remember why I care. "Mr. Todd, you brood up here all day…you're basically as dead as your customers, don't you want to…help clean my shop or something?" I glare some more at her. Clean her shop? Oh, please.
'I have lost the will to live.'
It's quiet. I stand at the window overlooking the dawn of London. It's been forever since Lucy. Lucy. She never had anything more to say. Eleanor always had something to say. Whether it was something about life or about something else. I wonder where she thought she'd end up. I knew that as optimistic as she seemed, inside she was just as dead as I was. Benjamin never thought that this was where he'd end up, but it's not as if he really had a choice. Between women he did. Between getting shipped off he didn't. This is the destination; this is where I ended up…where am I?
'It seems I found the road to nowhere.'
I'm still standing at that window. Three weeks later. Nothing much as changed. Her words come back to me. Why did she like to talk so much? She always thought of life as a game. What a strange theory. A game you couldn't win and couldn't lose. A game where you could cheat and if you were good at it, you could get away with it. Life could be a game…but who wins?
'Life: It's the ultimate sin, a game with no rules that you're expected to win'
Damn her. I walk in as she holds a razor to her wrist. Upon hearing the door open she hastily turns around, cutting her wrist along the way. I can't help but to roll my eyes. Naïve woman. She doesn't seem like she minds the pain at all. I storm over to her and snatch the razor out of her hands, and toss it onto the ground. I look around and spot a clean cloth in the corner of the room. I rip some off and tie it around her wrist, mumbling curses under my breath. She doesn't say anything.
'I don't know why I care so much, when I shouldn't care at all.'
"I hate you." She says, as soon as the judge is dead. I stand there, speechless. What is there to hate about me? I hate myself, but for my own reasons, what reason does she have to hate me? I really don't' understand at all why I am the least bit surprised, however. Should I have seen it coming? She leaves the room; I hear quiet sobs, but nothing more, leaving me standing in the crisp December air. For once since I've met her, I'm lost and confused.
'The world's a rollercoaster and I'm not strapped in.'
Its cold and I couldn't care less. I sit outside on the stairs staring at the ground. I would do anything to have Lucy and Johanna back, but what would I do to have my Eleanor back? This was a question that even god wouldn't be able to answer. I realized that it wasn't just the people I wanted back, but the past itself. I went through thoughts in the back of mind, just to see how much things have really changed.
'I need to rewind myself.'
It's the judge's fault that my life is messed up. Yet, the judge is dead, and nothing's resolved. Did I expect everything to be fucking resolved once he was dead? If I did, I have idiot written all over me. He's caused so many people anger and sadness. Johanna. My daughter. Yet, she's sad because she was under his control…because I wasn't there. Lucy was sad because I wasn't there to help with her kid. What about Eleanor? Is she sad because of me? Was she sad because of me?
'And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.'
Downstairs, I look at her. I won't ever be able to love again, no matter how much she thinks she can bring me back. Her face is peaceful when sleeping. The soft complexion relaxed, giving in to whatever dreams or nightmares sleep may bring. I sit down to look at her. We could have been together…once. Life's a bitch; you really have to eventually understand that. Life has no sympathy. I look down at her again. Maybe she thinks we've been given a second chance. I moved on once in my life, a long time ago, and look where it brought me? There is no point in moving on again.
'Maybe this world is another planet's hell.'
Johanna. She's here. She's looking for that sailor boy who's just as obnoxious as my landlady. Her blonde hair swishing. She catches me spacing, and coughs softly. I look at her. I can't really say she looks like her mother. I've forgotten what her mother looks like. She talks on and on. She reminds me more of Eleanor more than anybody. Lively and talkative. I thought about all the people I've killed for her and Lucy. I don't really care anymore. I wondered how it could have been if Lucy had kept herself alive…
'A single death is tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.'
She stopped cutting herself. I don't ask her why. I don't care. At least she fucking stopped. I look at her, sleeping in the parlor. For some obscure reason I think of Lucy. Those thoughts, however, quickly vanished, and were replaced by Eleanor, yet again. When she'd smile she'd brighten up the room. That smile…that was much too big for her replace was now replaced with a frown, and glitter in her eyes, replaced by tears.
'Everything beautiful. Eventually dies.'
She's somebody I will never forget, I finally realize. Not the way she looked, the way she laughed, the things she said. I know I will never move on from the little bubble we had created around ourselves, and I know that she won't either. I don't understand why we're still here. I bet she doesn't get it either. I almost want to move on, but from Lucy, not her. I never moved on from Eleanor.
'How am I supposed to move on and forget about you when you've taught me all I know about me?'
Sitting in the midsummer air, I think to myself about tomorrow. I never liked to think about tomorrow. It was such a dull subject. Why tomorrow and not today? Things would have been different with Eleanor that's for sure. First off, I wouldn't be obsessed with yellow hair. Maybe she's finally moved on. I hope she didn't. I thought that tomorrow we might do something out of the ordinary.
'She will chase you around for awhile, but there's going to be a day when she's going to stop running in circles around you. One day, she's going to get over you. And at that very moment, you're going to wish you had let her catch you.'
I remember the last time she felt alive she danced in circles around me, singing a song, out in the middle nowhere, in the middle of the day, in the middle of nothing to do. I look at her. I remember her face laughing, and me smiling, trying to catch her and sit your hyper-self down next to me. I remember failing. When I look at her, I remember the July nights out on your Aunt's porch. We looked out into the ocean, and said that one day, we'd own that ocean and it'd be ours, and I remember her calling the bigger half. Just goes to show how much things have changed. Where are the pictures of those times?
'We take pictures because we are scared we'll forget the memories...'
I catch her sitting in the parlor reading. I cough slightly, like Johanna did to get my attention. She turned around, bored with me. "What?" She simply asks. I don't say anything for a moment. It's been awhile since we've last spoken. I still don't say anything. My situation is bad, so I kiss her. Goodbye, Lucy. At first she doesn't kiss back. From shock, anger or surprise I do not know, but then she does. Her arms find her way around my neck my around her waist. How spontaneous this kiss was, no reason behind it…or perhaps there was.
'Here's to the night we felt alive. Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry. Here's to goodbye tomorrow's going to come too soon.'
I don't really have much a reason to live right now. Maybe it's only Eleanor that's really keeping me alive. The real question is why I still want to be alive. Even I can't figure that one out. Maybe it's something that fate's put out for us. All I know is that the search for that destination she used to talk about begins today. The destination will be my reason to live. Yet, I don't believe we will find it in London.
'I'm tired of living just to die. We're getting out of here, destination anywhere.'
-The End-
End note: Thank you for reading. I'd like to add the following quotes come from (in order): Fight Club, Braveheart, Goo Goo Dolls (Iris), Sarah McLaughlin, Metallica (Fade to Black), Creed (One Last Breath), The Ataris, Incubus, Kid Rock, Linkin Park (Somewhere I belong), Eve6 (Here's to The Night), and Bon Jovi (Destination Anywhere)
Quotes not listed are unknown or anonyms.
Again thank you for reading. And Please REVIEW!