Chapter One
Past Pain
14 years…since he's been gone. It's been 14 years since I lost him. But it wasn't just him, it's everything: my family, childhood, name… my parent's name.
'Well not my parents anymore,' he said bitterly, shifting to lie on his side.
It feels like a lifetime ago since he lost everything. To go from having everything he could ever want, his friends, his family, his sweet little nephew and his brother, his protector. To having nothing, to having his life torn apart, ripped away from him with no hope of it ever returning no matter how much he wished otherwise. It could be enough to ruin a man his age now but then when he was just a child, no matter how mature or responsible he seemed or he wanted to be, he was still a child and well it was enough to ruin him, for him to want nothing to do with this world, muggle or magic…just as those familiar feelings of hopelessness and depression resurfaced, he felt an arm come across his waist and a warm body settle behind him. He allowed himself to be pulled into his lover's embrace and for it to warm him up again as it all those years ago. It would do him no good to think about James' death and the years that followed again.
'It must be because I have to move into Grimmauld Place, it's like stepping back into the past, a past that I want to leave in the past. God how must Siri be feeling, he always said that place was evil, and he was happy to escape it but now he has to go back. Well I guess we will have each other, I'll protect him, and he will me, just like he always has.'
Instead of thinking of the past and dredging up old unwanted feelings, he should be enjoying his final night at home with his family; though Siri really is part his family and he should be happy about seeing Harry again after two years. He was always filled with bittersweet happiness when he thought of Harry, while Harry reminded him so much of his brother, of James. He loved the boy, he was his nephew, and his cub and seeing him alive and happy brought him such joy. If he has his way 14 years ago, he and Harry would have stayed together, he may have been underage, but he could have taken care of his one-year-old nephew, he would have. But the time for that has long since pasted, that's not to say he wouldn't love to have Harry and Sirius here, for the lazy Sundays, afternoons out in the garden and the family dinners but that can't happen. 'At least not yet.'
He hoped those days could come soon and without the pain and panic that last war had brought but he couldn't help feeling that something was going to happen, something bigger that last year. Though he doubted anything could beat Voldemort's return, but he worried about what was to come, about what Voldemort's resurrection could mean to wizarding world and those he loved. As the arm tightened its hold on him, he pushed all those thoughts to the back of his mind and smiled as he remembered just how lucky he was because despite everything, Jay's death, the centre, and the lies. Despite all of the bad, Remus James Lupin was, no… is, happy.