It had been a year and she had missed him, more than she had thought she would, more than she could believe really. She had realized when he was away how much she needed him in her life, how much she never wanted him to leave her side again. And then after months of tears and aching loneliness, he was back, with his smiles, his warmth, and his joy.
But he was different. There was a strain in his smile, a manic tone to his laugh, and twisted sense to his joy. He wasn't right but she brushed it off, created excuses. He watched his father, who he had been searching for his life, die in front of his eyes. He and Happy had went their separate ways on his journey. He had been just as alone as she had been. So of course he would be different. He was trying to get stronger to fight a greater evil.
But when he put his hand on her shoulder or waist, she flinched back. Something was wrong. It was clear in how he would snap at her instead of tease her when she would complain or when she brought up bringing the guild back together. That should have been her first clue but she reasoned her way through the question and thought that of course he was probably ashamed of being weak during the Tartaros battle that he couldn't face them. So she did nothing, choosing to wait while he dealt with everything that had happened while she let him know she was there.
He started touching her more, at first innocent touches but as they traveled and camped and fought together their dynamic changed. She knew it would, she had been anticipating it, craving it, but when it happened with them laying in front the dying embers of the campfire, the lazy sun slowly rising over the horizon, with him holding her close to keep her warm, it was wrong. It was wrong when he trailed his fingers down her arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake before entangling their fingers together, and it was wrong when he nuzzled his nose into her neck before brushing his lips across the sensitive skin of her neck. It made her shiver, not in delight or pleasure but in fear and anxiety. She pulled away instantly, flushing, her heart beating. She stood, taking a few steps away from him before turing back to look at his face. She had been expecting disappointment and sadness in his eyes but what she say instead made her take another step back. It was there for only an instant, but she saw it, a burning anger seething inside him through his eyes and taut muscles. But then it was gone and replaced with a tight smile and a string of apologizes. She didn't know what to think of it, or him, but he became a question to her.
After that incident he was better, more careful. His lazy smiles were back as well as his teasing and she started to relax again around him. Her sense of uneasy lessened until it was simply a memory. They started sharing secrets under the starlight, growing closer until one night when he looked at her with a fierceness she assumed was love and with a smug smirk, which made her frown, he leaned up and kissed her leaving her no room to pull back. It was weird, different, and dredged up the sense of wrongness from before but his kiss was making her thoughts fuzzy and when she leaned into it and kissed him back with just as much passion, she felt him smile and it was that gesture that eased her and made the kiss feel right.
And it continued to feel right, being with him, something was different, yes, something felt off, but he was back by her side with his teasing and his joy and that had been all she wanted for so long when he was gone that she could over look everything else.
Which was why she could never forgive herself. She knew something had been wrong, and it had been wrong for the whole time she was with him, but she did nothing. Nothing while he gathered dark forces and plotted his own brother's death. Nothing while he kissed her and touched her in the most intimate of ways. She knew her best friend more than anyone in the whole world but she didn't even know it wasn't him. It wasn't his kisses who woke her up in the morning or made her heart race. It wasn't his touch that ignited a fire in her veins.
It wasn't END she was in love with.
When END disappeared with cry of pain ripped from his throat and flash of black light, she ran up and caught him before he collapsed. Her tears rained down on him as her whole body shook. Erza had to pry him out of her arms because she wanted to hold him for as long as she could because she knew it would probably be the last time he'd let her.
When he did eventually wake up after a week in the hospital, she burst into his room, just having to see him awake and okay before he never wanted to see her again.
Lazily, his eyes wandered over to where she stood by the door, her eyes raking over his body trying to see if he was fully healed.
"Lucy?" He croaked.
She sobbed, running to his side. "Yes. Yes. Natsu I'm here. You're okay. You're going to be alright."
He scrunched his brow, confused. She reached out and squeezed his calloused hand. At her contact he flinched and ripped his hand away. His eyes widened and his breathing sped up.
"Lucy?" He asked. And with that he was asking her everything. How she didn't know it was him, why she didn't do anything, how could she.
Retreating, a new wave of tears hit her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Natsu." And she ran.
It was a month before she saw him again. She tried to ignore him as she walked to the bar though she felt his eyes on her, she felt the whole guild's eyes on her. She could feel the weight of their pity slowly crush her causing her to quicken her pace. She had been avoiding him, everyone really, because she didn't want to cause him anymore pain (and to protect her own heart). The guild was his home first so she had stopped coming, didn't let them into her home when they came knocking, only keeping in contract with Mirajane so she could keep working till she figured something out. She didn't want to leave the guild but she couldn't face any of them, not after what she did, or more accurately what she failed to see. But she had to go to the guild to talk to Mirajane about a job since it was pressing issue and Mirajane couldn't meet at her house till the next day. So she kept her eyes trained forward hoping he would just ignore her, her heart pounding in her chest when he shuffled up to her with shifting, nervous eyes, and twitching limbs instead.
She held her breath while he looked at her. Suddenly, he started rambling about hating how she had been isolating herself from the guild when it wasn't her fault, and how they should try to put it behind them because he missed her, and how he knew it would be tough but he would rather fight through then stop seeing her.
Tears were raining down her cheeks and her body shook uncontrollably which made him stutter to a stop. Because really she didn't deserve him, not his kind nature or his forgiving heart.
With burst of love, she threw her arms around him. He froze then pushed her away a moment later, causing her to stumble. His eyes widened before he threw his arms in front of him in placating manner and apologized saying he was still recovering and she had surprised him. She nodded mutely not quite believing him before he stuck out his hand and said "friends?" with a hopefulness that started a new wave of tears. She shook his hand, flinching slightly as unbidden memories came to the surface but still hoping, praying, that their bond was strong enough that it wouldn't break under the weight of the events of the last few months.
And they survived, for awhile, with awkward conversations and wide berths, making sure to never be alone with one another and making sure to never bring up any of the events in the past year, and Lucy hated it. They were barely friends, barely acquaintances, saying hi when they saw each other before going about their own separate businesses. But she didn't do anything because every now and then she would catch him watching her with agony in his eyes that she knew she was the cause of. She wanted him to move on with his life and forget all the terrible events and she knew every interaction with her would only add to his misery.
So even though they weren't avoiding each other anymore, they were still avoiding each other.
Even so she couldn't evade him when Erza and Gray had tricked them both into going on a mission with them. She and Erza were sitting on a train waiting for it to start when Gray and Natsu walked up. They stared at each other in shock until the train lurched forward and Natsu fell backward clutching his stomach. The others threw him on the seat opposite of her. The whole train ride she wanted to reach out and pet his hair and make him feel better but she couldn't. She had no right to anymore.
They side stepped each other through the mission but would cautiously eye each other as if waiting for the other say something, to fix the irreparable.
They didn't speak to each other until they were setting up for camp and Erza and Gray declared that they were going to find food. They eyed each other, knowing what they are trying to do and Lucy looked away first because his gaze is too heavy. He watched her as she tried to argue with them.
"Shouldn't Erza stay? She's much better at setting up the camp and Natsu likes to hunt so-"
Erza shook her head. "No. We will be back soon." And with that they marched off.
Neither Natsu or Lucy moved till the sound of crunching leaves disappeared.
Finally, Lucy turned and without looking at him, started to head to her tent.
"I'm just going to go bed, real tired from that mission and hiking and-"
"Lucy, wait." His warm grabbed her wrist and she instantly turned to face him.
He instantly let go and looked at his feet, shuffling from side to side. She watched him while steeling her heart for what he was about to say. He probably figured out that he should hate her, that she is not worth his time. He probably regrets the day he ran into her at Hargeon and she can't blame him. She can't blame him for hating her and while she is not ready to give him up, she is ready for him to finally release all his sorrow at her. The guilt had been building with each passing day and with each brave smile he gave her way when their eyes meet. She just wants it to be over, she wants him to stop pretending and finally be done with her. It's what she deserves. So she squeezed her eyes shut and prepared for the blow.
"I miss you." He blurted out.
Her eyes snap open, and bores into his eyes searching for truth in his words.
"I miss you so much Lucy. I miss hanging out with you and going on missions with you. I miss making you laugh and annoying you so much your face gets red."
He stops and takes a shaky breath. "I go to your house sometimes at night. I can hear you crying and it hurts me so bad because I want to come in and hold you and make everything better but I can't. And -"
"You should hate me." They lock eyes. "You should hate me. I- I-"
But he shakes his head. "I could never hate you Lucy. I just- I just don't understand-" And with a deep pain in his eyes he looks at her and her heart instantly shatters when she see the tears pooling in them.
"How could you not know it wasn't me?" His voice cracks. "We've been friends -best friends- for years and you didn't know. The person who knows me the most in whole world couldn't see that it wasn't me. How could you not see it?" He pleads his dark eyes shining in hurt. "How could you not know? Didn't you notice or wonder -something?"
"Of course I did!" She yells but she can't stop because these thoughts have been on the tip of her tongue for months now and they desperately need to escape, desperately need to heard. "But I made excuses because of everything that had happened before you left, what you had to witness with your father-" He visibly flinches. "- and that kind of stuff… it can change a person so I thought that that is what happened."
She loses any composure in the midst of bearing of her heart and starts shaking. " And I missed you, Natsu! I missed you so much. You just left me alone with only a note and I-I needed you. While you were gone I realized how much- how much I need you in my life. And then you were back and you were different but it didn't matter because you were by my side again."
Her lips were quivering and tears were spilling over cheeks.
"You were back and-and I missed you so badly."
They stood in silence for a few moments, the only sound in the forest being their unsteady breaths.
"I saw everything." He whispered and Lucy's heart dropped. She had suspected he knew but hearing him confirm it hurt more than she thought possible.
"I saw him-" He took a shaky breath."I saw him make you laugh and hold you hand and I saw him…. I saw him kiss you and hold you close and- I wanted that for us so badly, Lucy. I wanted to love you for so long now and-"
Her heart stopped beating at his confession. How long, she wanted to know. How long had he loved her? She watched as he struggled with himself before he started speaking again.
" -and he took it away. He took that away from us and there was nothing I could do to stop it" He pulled at his hair. "I'm so weak. So, so weak. I would scream and try to claw my back into control every time he touched you but I couldn't beat him and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Lucy." He collapsed to his knees, shaking, and covered his face with his hands but Lucy could see the tears pouring from his eyes.
She took hesitant steps forward but right as she was stretching out her hand, he looks up at her, straight into her eyes, with tears glistening on his cheeks.
"Do love him? Did you fall for him because you noticed the changes and-" He looked away."- did him being different from me, is that why you let him kiss you. Because you thought I was changed and you liked that about me. I just need to know because I've cared about you so long and I have to know-I have to know-" His shaking becomes uncontrollable, stifling his voice.
He had to know if it was him she loved, she realized with a sharp stab to the heart.
"I fell for you." She whispered.
Not being able to look him in the eye, she continued. "When you were gone, I realized how much I cared about you and how much I never wanted to leave your side. And when you came back, it felt wrong, he felt wrong, and all I could think when he touched me was that your touch didn't feel right, when before, before you had left, it did. And I think he realized that and he changed to become more like you. But I fell for you. I thought it was you."
She was crying now and through her sniffling and tears she continues, she had to continue to get this weight off her chest so she could breathe freely again.
"I thought it was you wrapping your arms around me to hold me close. And I thought it was you who was kissing me and making my head and heart feel funny. I thought it was you, it was suppose to be you."
She tried to force air into her aching lungs but it was a fruitless effort. "I miss you so much Natsu."
They stayed quiet. Both staring at the ground a few feet away from each other, him on his knees and her standing a few feet away, though she didn't know how that was possible her knees felt so weak.
"I can't look at you without seeing him touch you." He said, breaking the silence. "I can't touch you without hearing him gloating and taunting me. I can't get him out of my head. And I can't stop feeling- feeling betrayed."
Her heart clenched.
"He took our beginning away." He whispered.
Their beginning, which had seemed so full of promise before- it was ruined now, tainted with betrayal and pain and heart ache and she didn't know if they could ever recover from this. It was always suppose to be her and Natsu since the very beginning but now-now he could barely look at her and any small hope she had of them recovering flew away, leaving her heart cold and empty.
She couldn't handle this talk or weight or heartbreak anymore so when she heard the sound of leaves crunching, signaling the return of Gray and Erza, she took off running into the woods letting her sobs escape her lips.
She collapsed only when she couldn't breathe anymore, only when the screaming pain in her legs became unbearable.
She stayed, screaming, letting her tears ducts flow until they ran dry, her heart lying in tatters in her chest, till the moon was directly overhead illuminating the dark silhouettes of the tree branches above her.
Minutes or hours later, she froze when she heard leaves rustling and crunching and waited for Erza or Gray to emerge from the tree line behind her. She jumped when a warm hand touched her shoulder and she looked up to see Natsu standing over her with sad smile. She watch him with red rimmed eyes, not daring to twitch lest he run away. Instead of pulling her up to take her back to camp, he hunkered down next her and wrapped his strong, warm arms around her small, shaking frame. New tears sprang up from God knows where and ran down her cheeks as she clutched his shirt with all her might. He nestled his face into her shoulder and she could feel his tension slowly leave his body as his muscles unwound.
They held each other with all of their strength that night not moving til the sun shone from above, each clinging to the hope that they could make a new beginning.