~30 Kisses~

~13: Excessive Chain~

Saying something like 'stop' was, generally, supposed to end things.

There had been no real beginning, not that Carrot could specifically remember. What did it mean when he couldn't even remember!?... That thought in itself rather frightened him, sometimes. He was sure that, if he were to really want to know then he could easily have asked Marron and he would have known all of the details perfectly... the night they began, the thoughts running through their minds and off their lips... memory and thought and sensation, he seemed to record it all. Carrot didn't like to dedicate himself so fiercely - indeed, when the situation wasn't taking place, he liked to rather pretend it wasn't happening at all.

When it was sunny and bright and there were no missions from Big Mama and the scent of summer flowers drifted across the gentle breeze, life was wonderful. A free day was a day that could be spent chasing girls, going to places like the beach or the hot springs... if there was a mission then it would be undertaken, an evil would be vanquished and their lives would continue. Life as it was lived was simple and uncomplicated. That was how Carrot liked it.

Complications worried him. The thought of Sacher Torte worried him. The knowledge of Hakaishin worried him. On a far more personal level, Marron worried him. He worried himself.

They wouldn't acknowledge it. Carrot didn't like to. Marron knew that keeping up appearances was important. Nobody suspected them.

Each night seemed similar. Perhaps every few nights. Sometimes maybe only once a week. It wasn't planned. It would be night time and they would be in bed or getting changed for it; Carrot would be in bed first, staring up at the ceiling decorated by the moonlight, hands behind his head. He'd hear the sounds of Marron getting changed, the soft sound of discarded fabric and the momentarily piercing noise of the rusty bedsprings. Perhaps Marron would be trying to sleep, but... Carrot couldn't and knew that he couldn't until he'd tried to get his point across.

"... Hey, Marron."

"... Yes, niisan?"

"Tonight..."

They would look across at each other, each gaze perfectly matched. What was the promise in that word? All trace of lethargy would vanish from Marron's eyes, only gazing upon his brother with that certain kind of look. Tonight would be... what?

Carrot's thoughts were quite different. To him, tonight was... could be... perhaps... an ending? They should never have started in the first place. For something that came about so haphazardly, no longer could he hope or wish that if he ignored it, perhaps it would go away; ignoring a problem never solved it and in this case, it seemed to only make it worse... and yet, for all of his reasoning, the words never quite seemed to rise to his lips. The promise of "tonight" would remain broken in the air and Carrot would find himself swayed by Marron's teeth at his neck and hand between his legs and holding him against the headboard and fucking him with a desperation that only seemed to increase with each repeated encounter.

As much as anybody else, Carrot knew that Marron wasn't stupid. Perhaps he had his own kind of feeling, some sense from Carrot that things weren't right somehow... and perhaps his reasoning was Carrot's opposite. Any other situation and of course Marron would have wished to talk it over, work sense from the situation, find a rational line of thought and work it through to a conclusion... but this was nothing that could be solved in such a way. It wasn't something that Marron wanted solved in the first place. Carrot learnt this.

One time, he did manage to make his point. It was somewhat in retrospect, as they lay panting and exhausted against the bedsheets. Marron's hands were still clenched over Carrot's own, fingers entwined in an outward display of fervent unity... as they lay resting, Marron would press short kisses against his neck and each one would make him tremble. It was too easy to be seduced by such things, by heavy kisses and touches tailor-made for his own pleasure... and indeed with Marron, that seemed to be his entire life philosophy. If it was for Carrot, then it was alright. Nothing seemed wrong or forbidden in that mind that ran over such a singular track and as much as Marron seemed unconcerned, so much further did it worry Carrot. Could they really keep on like that? Nobody suspected and nobody spoke against them, but was it really alright...? Was something such as that only wrong in the eyes of other people...? Nothing in Marron's eyes seemed to register any kind of displeasure or complaint at all. Carrot knew his own expression would mirror this when face-to-face with his brother. It could be such a delirious thing - that they would so completely indulge in what was 'wrong'... wasn't that exciting? A lust fuelled by petrification, by questionable reasoning and a sense of need that simply couldn't be vocalised. And yet, for once, he was able to speak the words that had been caught in his heart for what felt like far too long.

"... Marron..."

There would be no reply. Only those kisses continued, mind swimming somewhere between bliss and fatigue.

"... We should stop this."

Those words stopped his immediate action, at least.

"... Niisan... what?"

"It's--... I don't think it's a good idea if we carry on like this... doing this kinda thing... it's--... I just don't think we should, that's all..."

Marron had left him alone that night, and those following. However, as much as Carrot wondered if his request had succeeded, so too was he painfully aware of an uncomfortable distance placed between he and his brother. Had those few words been enough to trigger that? There would be no suspicion during the day, but a smile meant nothing without emotion behind it. When they were alone, Marron would stand with his back to Carrot and slip into bed without a word spoken. Was he angry? Upset? Did he perhaps feel betrayed, maybe guilty...? Carrot didn't know how to react.

He approached Marron, some time after that. Saw that he lay in bed but with eyes open and an expression of defiance. He placed his hand on Marron's shoulder, saw a flinch.

"... Don't be angry with me, Marron--..."

Marron's voice was flat and blunt through the silence in the bedroom, "... I can't stop, niisan. I'm sorry."

The next night, through a failed attempt at quiet diplomacy, Carrot found himself held in Marron's lap as he clasped his hands desperately to Marron's shoulders, those undulating movements undoubtedly triggered by his brother but only continued by he himself; Marron would whisper things like 'I love you' and 'I need you' and 'I can't let you go' and in that moment, they seemed like the most desirable things in the world. It brought such an adrenaline rush to know he was thought of in such a possessive manner, that Marron was so determined that he was unafraid to break taboo and social barrier for his desires... and Carrot felt only helpless at those, amazed at Marron's perfect memory of what he liked and what could take him further, the things that made him shudder and the things he couldn't resist.

If they didn't stop, they would only carry on.

What, really, was wrong with that...?

~fin~